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Original poster

My DH just tried to order cocaine to our house!

227 replies

Imarriedanaddict · 14/05/2021 23:56

Regular on here, name changed as don’t want this linked to my other posts in case I get outed.

The back story is that I got with my DH 9 years ago and found out he took cocaine. It’s not something I wanted in my life so ended things with us but he said he refused to let drugs ruin our relationship. I had made it clear that I didn’t like it and wouldn’t have it in my life and that it was a deal breaker. He stopped using and we stayed together and got more serious.

I gradually learnt that his cocaine use had actually been a pretty big issue but he was clean now so I wasn’t going to hold his past against him. (Yes I am aware I was probably very naive here)

A few years later I was pregnant with our first child and he slipped up and used one night. I was devastated, I made him sweat about us but in the end gave him another chance on the condition he knew it would be the end of us and our life together as a family if he ever touched it again. He agreed and also decided to change his phone number so he had no access to any contact numbers. We had our baby and have gone on to get married and have another baby.

About 2 months ago DH was getting really stressed out with work and juggling home life. It was really affecting his mental health. He went to the pub with some mates and he ended up going back to a mates house and taking some cocaine. He tried to deny it the next morning but he was so distraught he ended up confessing.

I was devastated that he’d done it but I was genuinely concerned for his mental well being that I didn’t push too hard. I had my concerns that he now had access to a number and it was only a matter of time before he did it again.

Significant changes were made to his work to reduce his stress and I’ve taken on as much as I can at home.

So to tonight, we’re all at home and DH has been drinking for a few hours, both children were in bed and I was just going to bed. Our eldest woke up crying in pain. We dealt with it together and then DH shut our bedroom door right up and went downstairs. He never does this as I need to listen out for the youngest who still wakes during the night. I then hear the front door open. Thinking DH had ordered more beer, I went down stairs to remind him he had to get up early with the kids. Nope turns out he was leaving money in the porch and had text a dealer. I didn’t catch him in the act or anything, he could have easily lied to me and said it was more beers but he confessed. I looked through his phone and he had sent one text asking if they were about and they replied saying yes. So he hadn’t actually ordered it yet but I know him leaving the money out means he was just about to.

I’ve asked why, I’ve asked what he was thinking, I’ve asked him to explain but I got nothing. He has then decided he is going to leave tonight as it’s best for everyone. But I won’t let him leave as it pretty much guarantees he will end up taking something and I’ll just be worried about him all night.

We’re currently going in a loop of him saying he is going to leave and me emotionally blackmailing him to stay as it’s the only thing he’ll listen to. He finally sits back down then it all starts again 20mins later. I won’t go to sleep until he gives in falls asleep so I know he isn’t going anywhere.

I don’t know what to do. I want to support him but all he ever says to me is there is no reason he does it, you’ll never understand. I don’t want this in my children’s lives or mine but I also love him and don’t want my children to lose out on their dad. I don’t want our marriage to be over.

Does anyone have any words of advice?

OP posts:
LuckyMcDucky · 15/05/2021 08:37

Go one way*

queenMab99 · 15/05/2021 08:37

I think this does need to be talked about, in sensible terms. It breaks my heart when I hear people refered to as 'scum of the earth' and 'smackheads' they are people like my son and Op's partner, with families who are trying to help, with pared down services which are overwhelmed, by the numbers of people, often with underlying mental health problems, who are trying to access help.

LuckyMcDucky · 15/05/2021 08:37

Addiction*

Sweet Jesus!

Persipan · 15/05/2021 08:38

This is a side note to the bigger problem, but using cocaine and alcohol together is a really really bad combination. It can have catastrophic (eg fatal) health effects.

SunflowersAndLavender · 15/05/2021 08:38

I’ve asked why, I’ve asked what he was thinking, I’ve asked him to explain but I got nothing. He has then decided he is going to leave tonight as it’s best for everyone. But I won’t let him leave as it pretty much guarantees he will end up taking something and I’ll just be worried about him all night.

He wasn't going to leave because it was best for everyone. He wouldn't have 'ended up' taking something. He was going to leave so that he COULD take something without you breathing down his neck.

At that point, his desire for a bump was stronger than his fear of losing his wife and family.

At home, sitting indoors with his children in bed, not only does he want to get leathered, he wants to get high as well.

Think about that.

SoupDragon · 15/05/2021 08:38

People can absolutely bounce back from addiction. I’ve seen it.

He needs external help - non which have been accessed before.

I thought this. Has he had any professional help?

tonimitchell · 15/05/2021 08:38

@queenMab99

I think this does need to be talked about, in sensible terms. It breaks my heart when I hear people refered to as 'scum of the earth' and 'smackheads' they are people like my son and Op's partner, with families who are trying to help, with pared down services which are overwhelmed, by the numbers of people, often with underlying mental health problems, who are trying to access help.
I hear you. It’s just not as simple as some posters like to believe. Flowers
theSunday · 15/05/2021 08:39

So sorry this is happening, but you sound like a strong mother and you can protect yourself and your children 💐

So it used to be ‘normal’ for him to order coke and consume it by himself at home (during the week?). He might have been addicted to this stuff from before you met.

You’ve got a situation here. And I think the best outcome for you both could be this

However he really pulled himself together because of the amount of work he put in to helping himself. He could not of done it with outside help. She helped him access that support and it was her final chance she gave him. He did fantastic because he wanted to

Your husband needs to WANT to do this and often people only want this once they have hit rock bottom and are facing harsh consequences, I think that’s why most posters on here agree throwing him out is step 1 to him wanting to change.

I’m very sorry and hope you can keep your head screwed on.

RedcurrantPuff · 15/05/2021 08:40

Does alcohol addiction cause criminals to come round to your house?

He does need help but it’s his problem not the OPs. I would 100% end the marriage and leave him to sort it himself. He has given out the address where his children live to a drug dealer ffs.

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/05/2021 08:44

He needs to attend drugs counselling or rehab and leave the family while he does. I think that’s the reality here. But talking in absolutes: marriage is over, chose drugs over the kids etc is inaccurate and unhelpful. But don’t be soothed into minimising this: it won’t help him.

I absolutely agree with this. Your relationship can be saved, but you need to tell him to leave and sort himself out and then he can come back.

If the shock of you actually kicking him out doesn't make him reassess what he is doing, then you will have your answer, that he loves drugs more than his family, and you will have done the right thing.

It's heartbreaking for you op, and I really feel for you, but it's best to do this now, while the kids are too young to understand what's going on.

Crunchymum · 15/05/2021 08:48

So not only was he going to order it to the house, but he also manipulated the situation so you were begging him to stay?

Do you realise how fucked up that is?

I get that it's very unfair for women to have thier lives and relationships compromised due to the actions of their partner, but your choices really are kick him out (and hopefully he will make a deep and honest long term commitment to getting clean) or you suck it up. You spend the rest of you leaving life wondering "is tonight the night he'll take coke again?" and this will consume you.

Peachee · 15/05/2021 08:49

I thought I would add my exp here.. I was in a relationship with someone who took cocaine on and off.. often having binges and buggering off on a whim and leaving on the quiet. It took many cycles of me believing things would be ok and I could somehow be strong for us and that somehow things finally would be ok for me to realise I needed to stop the bullshit.. all I can say is that finally it destroyed my life and my self esteem. Years later it still has an affect on the way I construe situations.
I really hope for the sake of dragging your children through this unhappy situation you see things sooner than I do.
Sadly, the only strength you need to be channelling is to get yourselves out of this. You need to advocate for your children.
You will think your situation is different somehow, that it’s not as bad as it seems or you are making out. I can promise you in the long run the damage it will do has already started. Don’t subject yourself or your children to it.
Ask yourself the question.. no matter ho you felt would you sneak out the house and leave your partner with your children to do something you already potentially know could ruin your family.. ?
Massive hand hold from me here.. the only way is through the pain though.. sought as much support as you can and stay strong xxxx

Morgan12 · 15/05/2021 08:50

Okay firstly if alcohol and cocaine were 'fatal' then half of Britan would die every weekend. Stop scaremongering.

He does sound like an addict. Cocaine is usually taken in groups socially. It's strange to take it alone and I don't think this is his first time in a long time. He will have found a way to do it.

But he will come back home today tail between his legs and say sorry and you will forgive him. Because that's the pattern. And he knows it. And he will do it again.

Peachee · 15/05/2021 08:50

*do=did

Besom · 15/05/2021 08:55

He does need professional help but he also needs to be open to engaging with support. It does not particularly sound as if he is in that place at the moment and problem for OP is she can't predict when or if he ever will be. I agree OP needs to speak to someone professional/helpline etc to get information advice.

hunneylove · 15/05/2021 08:56

@RedcurrantPuff Does alcohol addiction cause criminals to come round to your house?

Absolutely yes - it can lead people to desperation, prostitution and criminal behaviour. It wrecks families and can cause years of hardship potential homelessness and make those addicted wretched. I know someone who seemingly had everything - alcohol made her lose her job - she turned to prostitution and petty theft to get cash for alcohol and in turn criminals did turn up at her door.

She eventually lost the property, her family, her friends and ultimately her life.

Oblomov21 · 15/05/2021 08:57

Agree with op, this thread probably needs deleting.

Of course OP has some serious problems. But some of these comments are ridiculous.

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/05/2021 08:57

I think this does need to be talked about, in sensible terms. It breaks my heart when I hear people refered to as 'scum of the earth' and 'smackheads' they are people like my son and Op's partner, with families who are trying to help, with pared down services which are overwhelmed, by the numbers of people, often with underlying mental health problems, who are trying to access help.

I agree with this too. Instead of calling addicts names, maybe try thinking about why they may be addicts? Some of them (I'm not saying all) have actually endured the worst stuff you could possibly imagine as children... and more. Their stories are truly the stuff of nightmares.

Teapotsandtablecloths · 15/05/2021 08:59

I hope you are doing ok this morning OP x

TatianaBis · 15/05/2021 09:01

It’s fairly standard in the age of Deliveroo to have drugs delivered to the house. It’s not the dealer themselves who deliver.

Not saying it’s not a terrible idea with kids but I think some of the posters here are a bit naive.

He may still be an addict, he may be an occasional user, it’s not clear from the context.

It doesn’t mean your relationship is over, it depends on his response and his current usage.

Ultimatum > no more coke or it’s over > 12 step program (NA)

If he doesn’t stick to it, he’s gone.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 15/05/2021 09:02

@Strugglingtodomybest

I think this does need to be talked about, in sensible terms. It breaks my heart when I hear people refered to as 'scum of the earth' and 'smackheads' they are people like my son and Op's partner, with families who are trying to help, with pared down services which are overwhelmed, by the numbers of people, often with underlying mental health problems, who are trying to access help.

I agree with this too. Instead of calling addicts names, maybe try thinking about why they may be addicts? Some of them (I'm not saying all) have actually endured the worst stuff you could possibly imagine as children... and more. Their stories are truly the stuff of nightmares.

Yes but he has to want to get help himself. And he's shown no signs of that.

Meanwhile there are children in the mix.

I'm an adult child of an addict. My childhood was marred by it. Op can't help her husband, she can help her children though.

Xenia · 15/05/2021 09:03

There does not seem to be much sympathy for those who are ill (addicts) on here. If you don't want him to leave (he offered) then he needs to ensure nothing can ever harm the children and to seek proper professional help if he cannot kick the addiction on his own.

Also start putting your legal things in order - pay for an hour's advice from a solicitor about the financial position if you divorce, look at which of you earns the most money, could you both earn enough to pay for two households?, who would pay who maintenance and that kind of thing. If he might want the children to live with him you might want his drug use documented in some official format IF divorce is on the cards. Make sure you have copies of his P60s, pay slips, tax return, pension details, credit cards etc

TatianaBis · 15/05/2021 09:05

There does not seem to be much sympathy for those who are ill (addicts) on here.

There’s generally sympathy for alcohol or food addictions. But that’s because some posters here have the same problems.

Drugs not so much.

waitingforthenextseason · 15/05/2021 09:07

Pack his things up and put them outside. Text him they're there.

Your children deserve better in their lives. He cannot safely look after them and he is texting drug dealers to come to your home! Get him out!

RedcurrantPuff · 15/05/2021 09:09

I agree the guy needs help. But if this was my husband he’d be needing to do it alone. I find people who use and deal in cocaine scum. I have no respect for them and couldn’t even talk to them far less be in a marriage with them. So he’s maybe addicted. He wasn’t always addicted. At some point he made an active choice to disregard the misery and devastation the cocaine industry causes for the sake of his own high. Pathetic.