My DH just tried to order cocaine to our house!

[Imarriedanaddict]

Regular on here, name changed as don’t want this linked to my other posts in case I get outed.

The back story is that I got with my DH 9 years ago and found out he took cocaine. It’s not something I wanted in my life so ended things with us but he said he refused to let drugs ruin our relationship. I had made it clear that I didn’t like it and wouldn’t have it in my life and that it was a deal breaker. He stopped using and we stayed together and got more serious.

I gradually learnt that his cocaine use had actually been a pretty big issue but he was clean now so I wasn’t going to hold his past against him. (Yes I am aware I was probably very naive here)

A few years later I was pregnant with our first child and he slipped up and used one night. I was devastated, I made him sweat about us but in the end gave him another chance on the condition he knew it would be the end of us and our life together as a family if he ever touched it again. He agreed and also decided to change his phone number so he had no access to any contact numbers. We had our baby and have gone on to get married and have another baby.

About 2 months ago DH was getting really stressed out with work and juggling home life. It was really affecting his mental health. He went to the pub with some mates and he ended up going back to a mates house and taking some cocaine. He tried to deny it the next morning but he was so distraught he ended up confessing.

I was devastated that he’d done it but I was genuinely concerned for his mental well being that I didn’t push too hard. I had my concerns that he now had access to a number and it was only a matter of time before he did it again.

Significant changes were made to his work to reduce his stress and I’ve taken on as much as I can at home.

So to tonight, we’re all at home and DH has been drinking for a few hours, both children were in bed and I was just going to bed. Our eldest woke up crying in pain. We dealt with it together and then DH shut our bedroom door right up and went downstairs. He never does this as I need to listen out for the youngest who still wakes during the night. I then hear the front door open. Thinking DH had ordered more beer, I went down stairs to remind him he had to get up early with the kids. Nope turns out he was leaving money in the porch and had text a dealer. I didn’t catch him in the act or anything, he could have easily lied to me and said it was more beers but he confessed. I looked through his phone and he had sent one text asking if they were about and they replied saying yes. So he hadn’t actually ordered it yet but I know him leaving the money out means he was just about to.

I’ve asked why, I’ve asked what he was thinking, I’ve asked him to explain but I got nothing. He has then decided he is going to leave tonight as it’s best for everyone. But I won’t let him leave as it pretty much guarantees he will end up taking something and I’ll just be worried about him all night.

We’re currently going in a loop of him saying he is going to leave and me emotionally blackmailing him to stay as it’s the only thing he’ll listen to. He finally sits back down then it all starts again 20mins later. I won’t go to sleep until he gives in falls asleep so I know he isn’t going anywhere.

I don’t know what to do. I want to support him but all he ever says to me is there is no reason he does it, you’ll never understand. I don’t want this in my children’s lives or mine but I also love him and don’t want my children to lose out on their dad. I don’t want our marriage to be over.

Does anyone have any words of advice?

@Imarriedanaddict

You really think I didn’t think of taking her myself? I must be stupid but I’m not that stupid. You have to go in the pool with her and I have no one to have the baby.

I'm sorry, OP. I didn't know your youngest was still so very young. That's incredibly tough.

put it this way OP, what happens if and when your child gets hold of that coke?

will you ever forgive yourself for not chucking that low life out sooner?

no. get rid, i mean this nicely, you are daft, drugs are more important to him and he will never change.

@Imarriedanaddict

You really think I didn’t think of taking her myself? I must be stupid but I’m not that stupid. You have to go in the pool with her and I have no one to have the baby.

have seen this - can you go with? i would not let him alone with the kids, only supervised quite honestly

It was only a few months ago I found out that before we got together he used to sit at home and do it on his own a few times a week. So doing it at home on his own isn’t actually that far a leap for him as it would be for most other people.

Doing it at home on his own isn’t that far a leap for him as it would be for most other people - because he’s an addict, and therefore a much (much) heavier user than other people.

Knowing that he used to sit at home doing is alone, several times a week makes this worse, not better.

It confirms you’ve got a much bigger problem than you thought you did.

I’m glad you’ve kicked him out. Coming home after asking him to leave - and finding him in bed with a beer, is pathetic.

However, I agree with the PP who said kicking him out when he’s defiant and frankly acting in such a repellant way is easy.

When the enormity of the situation dawns on him in sobriety, and he’s regretful and apologetic - that’s when it’s going to be much harder to insist he stays away. But that’s when it’s going to be so much more important to do just that.

Allowing him back will undo everything.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you able to call on friends/family for support? Maybe get someone over just for company tomorrow or this evening. Either that, or lock everything up and get some shut eye to catch up on the rollercoaster 24hrs you’ve had. You must be exhausted.

I don’t know your home situ, but when I separated, I informed council tax and tax credits straight away. What I wanted from XH was a clear 6-12month of him showing and working towards kicking addiction (seeing as i’d supported him for 5-6yrs). He didn’t even give me 6weeks (during which he carried on drinking and taking drugs) before announcing he was moving in with someone else.

Anyway, whatever you do, please try and call on support of good friends and family. I also informed the schools and they were very supportive (my DC were older though). I informed SS, so to give them an update of the situ and to be sure that I was doing so I could to safeguard the DC. They were very good. Rest up and try to keep a vague routine going (I found that helped me). The V saddest thing was that I also felt a kind of relief that I could actually go to sleep in peace, and not worry about what I’d wake up to. The change in the DC was swift and very apparent: change in behaviour and change in how they were doing at school.

Hopefully you can figure something with the swimming tomorrow. Just be wary of him drunk driving/drug driving. I hope he hasn’t gone that far down. Please look after yourself and remember that none of this is your fault. Xx

You've done the right thing. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Life can be very cruel.

Some day you'll look back and be able to advise others on how to cope when the wool has been pulled over their eyes due to addiction. Your children have been saved a riskier future and will be able to have a mum who isn't riddled with anxiety over what her husband is doing and how his behaviour is going to screw everything up this week.

Not ridiculous at all to think of the swimming lesson. You worry about how your kid's relationship with her dad will continue. And these little pleasant rituals mean so much. I'm really sorry this is happening, I lived with an addict once - I'm glad that's over and I hope you'll be soon, too.

I got hooked on it as a teenage girl, I don’t think it’s fair to assume everyone with this problem has made a completely informed decision to ruin their life and I know for a fact that people can change and get clean regardless of whether that fits the “lost cause” narrative you have built up in your head. You don’t know who might be reading this and becoming discouraged by your words.

However, objectively reading this the OPs husband sounds like he’s an idiot and he’s not even trying, so I’m glad she has kicked him out and I hope things improve for her and the kids now.

I would be incredibly worried that a drug dealer now has your address.

What happens when one day he can’t pay up? He gets into debt with them? They will come knocking on the address they know he is linked to- the one of your children.

You absolutely have to completely cut ties with him for the protection of your children.

If you want them to have a relationship with him I would want it to be in a contact centre supervised and I would want to move house to ensure my children were safe.

So sorry OP. Take care of yourself. Easier said than done, I know.

Have you got friends locally that could help out? If you were a friend of mine I'd want to be able to offer emotional support and offer practical help too. I'd gladly take a baby for a couple of hours so you could take your other LO to swim. Hope you can find someone IRL to reach out to.

Your dd will be devastated by this - that’s true. But you are protecting her from much worse.
You are protecting her from seeing her dps being threatened by drug dealers, or being threatened herself.
You are protecting her from poverty.
You are protecting her from being taken into care.
You are protecting her from accidentally ingesting drugs in her home.
You are protecting her from coming to harm in the care of an addict.
You are protecting her from the soul destroying life of living with an addict.

You can do this.

I just wanted to post to say what an excellent role model you are to your children. You haven't spent weeks on here saying 'but he's a good person' etc etc you've been amazingly strong and I hope other people going through difficult times take some inspiration from you.
Best of luck to you

I would be incredibly worried that a drug dealer now has your address

What happens when one day he can’t pay up? He gets into debt with them? They will come knocking on the address they know he is linked to- the one of your children.

Dealers have 1000s of addresses literally all over London. As I have said dealers don’t distribute the drugs themselves. They’re paid online before the drugs are sent out by couriers.

Well done OP. You've absolutely done the right thing. As previous posters have said prepare to stand really strong when he comes begging and promising you anything you want to hear. From previous experience I know it's so tempting to want to believe they mean their words, because they can sound so sincere. However, you're DH's actions speak volumes and he does not seem ready to give up drugs.

If he really wants to be a part of your family he'll prove it. Taking him back will only enable him. Don't waste more years on him going round in circles, it's exhausting and you and your DC deserve so much better.

I fully acknowledge that some addicts manage to overcome their addiction and that's really great. However, there are people (who people on this thread have come across) who don't really have any intention of doing so. Yet promise their partner they absolutely do, and constantly lie to them. Leading to their partner wasting years supporting/believing/helping the addict often at a detriment to themselves with nothing ever changing. Posters just want to save the OP from that soul destroying experience.

Well done for being strong and protecting your children.

There is going to be some unpleasant times ahead and you will need to keep on holding your head high and staying strong until everything is settled, finances sorted and measures put in place that your children are kept safe at all times even if it means his visits have to be supervised.

I got hooked on it as a teenage girl, I don’t think it’s fair to assume everyone with this problem has made a completely informed decision to ruin their life and I know for a fact that people can change and get clean

Of course people can change and get clean. I had an unhealthy relationship with drink and managed to stop and recently gave up smoking tobacco after 45 years of addiction. But the decision has to come from the addict.

Oh God op, I'm so very sorry for you. I completely understand your sadness at not being able to take dd swimming. It must feel like a small representation of the pain he is causing you and your dc.

You don't deserve this, you have done nothing but be a good Mum and a good wife. Unfortunately, the man who led you to believe he is trustworthy, has deceived you in the worst possible way.

I hope you have support in RL, bless you.

@SleepyKoala

I got hooked on it as a teenage girl, I don’t think it’s fair to assume everyone with this problem has made a completely informed decision to ruin their life and I know for a fact that people can change and get clean regardless of whether that fits the “lost cause” narrative you have built up in your head. You don’t know who might be reading this and becoming discouraged by your words.

However, objectively reading this the OPs husband sounds like he’s an idiot and he’s not even trying, so I’m glad she has kicked him out and I hope things improve for her and the kids now.

@Sleepykoala, I'm not going to watch what I'm saying in case an addict is reading, there is such little support out there for partners of addicts or children of addicts and what they go through. We don't really get free counselling or therapy or programmes to help or a free rehab stay or anything like that despite the actions of addicts often affecting the partners even more than it affects the addict!

Please note I am 100% supportive that those resources are there for addicts, I am just saying that the support is not there for the families. I was pushed to breaking point with worry about my ex after we split up, while he had doctors, counsellors, psychiatrists, a stay in a hospital and so on I had nothing, I had no one checking on me, when my ex was completely psychotic after it mixing his prescription drugs with street drugs and threatening my life and threatening suicide and so on who asked was I ok? No one.....of course the doctors asked him how he was feeling and the side effects etc, there was no consultation with me, the person who had to actually deal with the side effects, No one checks on us or supports us.

We have to deal with the effects years later, many of us are traumatised for many reasons, many of us don't want relationships again or for a long time because our experiences with our exes caused so much stress and trauma, many still have a lot of anxiety and worry about their exes dying and leaving their children without a father, many have physical health problems as a result of long term mental stress....

and a new thing for me my ex decided to give my teenager their first drink recently!!!!!!! Now that my kids are getting older you would think I could stop feeling anxious about what my ex is doing but now I have to deal with stuff like that, and worry that he is going to go out drinking with them in a few years, or that they'll have to see him in the awful states he gets into, or that he's going to die because he appears to have had 9 lives so far but surely his luck has to run out!! If he is alive then I have to worry about when my kids get older and have their 18th birthday parties, weddings and so on and about how my ex might ruin it for them by getting himself in a state, I have friends who are children of addicts who have those exact memories.

You have NO IDEA what some of us have gone through and continue to go through long after the relationship with an addict ends! and people don't talk about this, everything is always about the addict and supporting the addict, the impact on the family and the harsh reality of that is rarely discussed, so it is incredibly important that we discuss this honestly and openly on forums and give partners of addicts the real truth from the perspective of partners who have been in this same situation, not from the perspective of the addict!

Please know also that I get on extremely well with my ex as a friend despite everything that he has done to me and everything I have to worry about, because I do see him as a separate person to his issues, but my loyalty is to the side of the partners of the addicts...and I will always always try to advise them with the facts because the life as a partner of an addict is often filled with so much trauma and pain that can last even when the relationship is over!

So sorry that you are suddenly having to parent alone and to face all the other things that being connected to an addict has brought.

I agree with above though - you are protecting your daughter (both your children). She misses the class but you are keeping her safe from real harm even in that.

When he took her swimming, he was supposed to be the responsible adult and was there because needed for her safety... could he be relied upon for such a serious responsibility - even if he thought he could? He is not in control of his addiction.

user1481840227

Your posts hit the nail on the head, living with an addict is the worst!

I had a relationship with a cocaine user op and it never ends well.

The only way to end this is for you to leave him. I'm sorry. It will dog the rest of your life if you don't.

A previous post mentioned that there is no support for the family/friends of addicts. I have a loved one who has an addiction, he is much better now i.e. less chaotic, less drug use and leading a more ‘normal’ life. I’m very grateful that I discovered www.familiesanonymous.org.uk. It offers support to the families/friends of somebody with a suspected drug problem. Families Anonymous has a helpline, literature and regular meetings, due to covid some of these meetings are on Zoom, I have learnt not to enable, that an addict has to feel the consequences of their poor choices, my life is so much better now.
Remember you didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CONTROL it and you can’t CURE it.

Thank you for the kind words. I’ve not heard from him today so guess he is having a pity party for one somewhere.

I have a poorly 3 year old today. Temperature of 40 and tummy hurting. At least I had a reason why she couldn’t go swimming today. I should be able to sort help for next weekend.

Well, him being sorry wore off quick didn’t it? It must have been nice lolling on the sofa all day and having a drink, whilst you were caring for your 2 young children. You and the children deserve more than this

Sorry to hear your update. Naively l hoped he might have had a wake up call

@Imarriedanaddict yeah feels like a pity party doesn’t it?

I hope your daughter feels better soon