My DH just tried to order cocaine to our house!

[Imarriedanaddict]

Regular on here, name changed as don’t want this linked to my other posts in case I get outed.

The back story is that I got with my DH 9 years ago and found out he took cocaine. It’s not something I wanted in my life so ended things with us but he said he refused to let drugs ruin our relationship. I had made it clear that I didn’t like it and wouldn’t have it in my life and that it was a deal breaker. He stopped using and we stayed together and got more serious.

I gradually learnt that his cocaine use had actually been a pretty big issue but he was clean now so I wasn’t going to hold his past against him. (Yes I am aware I was probably very naive here)

A few years later I was pregnant with our first child and he slipped up and used one night. I was devastated, I made him sweat about us but in the end gave him another chance on the condition he knew it would be the end of us and our life together as a family if he ever touched it again. He agreed and also decided to change his phone number so he had no access to any contact numbers. We had our baby and have gone on to get married and have another baby.

About 2 months ago DH was getting really stressed out with work and juggling home life. It was really affecting his mental health. He went to the pub with some mates and he ended up going back to a mates house and taking some cocaine. He tried to deny it the next morning but he was so distraught he ended up confessing.

I was devastated that he’d done it but I was genuinely concerned for his mental well being that I didn’t push too hard. I had my concerns that he now had access to a number and it was only a matter of time before he did it again.

Significant changes were made to his work to reduce his stress and I’ve taken on as much as I can at home.

So to tonight, we’re all at home and DH has been drinking for a few hours, both children were in bed and I was just going to bed. Our eldest woke up crying in pain. We dealt with it together and then DH shut our bedroom door right up and went downstairs. He never does this as I need to listen out for the youngest who still wakes during the night. I then hear the front door open. Thinking DH had ordered more beer, I went down stairs to remind him he had to get up early with the kids. Nope turns out he was leaving money in the porch and had text a dealer. I didn’t catch him in the act or anything, he could have easily lied to me and said it was more beers but he confessed. I looked through his phone and he had sent one text asking if they were about and they replied saying yes. So he hadn’t actually ordered it yet but I know him leaving the money out means he was just about to.

I’ve asked why, I’ve asked what he was thinking, I’ve asked him to explain but I got nothing. He has then decided he is going to leave tonight as it’s best for everyone. But I won’t let him leave as it pretty much guarantees he will end up taking something and I’ll just be worried about him all night.

We’re currently going in a loop of him saying he is going to leave and me emotionally blackmailing him to stay as it’s the only thing he’ll listen to. He finally sits back down then it all starts again 20mins later. I won’t go to sleep until he gives in falls asleep so I know he isn’t going anywhere.

I don’t know what to do. I want to support him but all he ever says to me is there is no reason he does it, you’ll never understand. I don’t want this in my children’s lives or mine but I also love him and don’t want my children to lose out on their dad. I don’t want our marriage to be over.

Does anyone have any words of advice?

You could end up losing your DC's over this.
He needs to want to change then go to his GP and refer to addiction services.

I'm so sorry he chose drugs over you & your family. Be strong. You will get through this

As others have said. He is an addict. He is choosing his addiction over his marriage and the safety of his kids. This will not likely end well.
I speak from experience - your kids will be fine - IF you take steps to protect them from the addict.

He can want to stop, you can want him to stop but at the end of the day he has an addiction. If the thought of losing his family isn't enough to stop him then it sounds like he is really struggling with addiction, past the point where you can just ask him to stop and he can. I think he may have been using frequently and you are only aware of the one instance. I'm sorry but I would struggle to believe what he says, I think you need to be more realistic. Ordering drugs while 2 young children are in the house sounds like he is in this deeper than he is making out.

OP I think you should consider getting in contact with your local substance misuse service (your local council website should give details). Many of them have support services for family members of people who are using. By your own admission you know little about drugs and this will give you an objective source of information and support.

Your DP clearly is choosing to continue to use, despite the knowledge that this is impacting you and your family. He needs to get some support to find other ways to manage stress. He can reduce stress at work or you can at home all you like but life is full of stressful situations and he will continue to use coke and use stress as an excuse. However, be mindful that he has to want to access support- you can't force him to do this

I think you need to decide if it is actually a deal breaker for you. It hasn't been so far despite what you have said, so I suspect he felt OK in continuing to take cocaine.

You can either live with his occasional usage or not. Only you can decide what is acceptable to you.

[quote Imarriedanaddict]@PacifyLulu no offence taken as you are 100% right. I am so naive about drugs, it’s just not something that was ever in my life before.

Having said that, whilst there could always be the odd occasion I don’t know about I am pretty confident he hasn’t been using regularly.

I don’t know if the options have now changed. I won’t tolerate him using but I also don’t want to separate from my husband.[/quote]
You’ve got to make a choice. If you choose your drug taking DH, you could end up losing your children. Harsh, but true. Don’t be That wife, tell him it’s over.

So sorry to read this OP. Sadly he has time and time again chosen to break your boundaries and put drugs before his family.

Did he come home last night? I would be telling him today that he has to leave. You cannot allow a man who is willing to bring drugs into your children's home and use them only a few metres away from them to stay

His text to the dealer asked if he was around? The dealer knows your address already then and has delivered drugs there before.

Oh dear. I feel for you, I really do.

He's lied about it, snuck out to get it - he's an addict.
He needs rehab.

He clearly doesn't care about consequences because you have given him so many chances and been reasoning with him (no judgement).

You need to be strong and leave. Because you forgive he will see it as he can do it with you still
waiting for him.

How many chances should you give someone? You know what you need to do. It will be hard but it isn't fair to live with an addict who has no intention on changing their ways.

i think you need to stop beating about the bush. You have a problem. For you, Cocaine is a dealbreaker and you dont want your man to take it, not occasionally, not regularly.
Your partner on the other hand, likes cocaine, and has struggled on and off with addiction to it.

What on earth makes you think this is a compatible relationship?
You cant just tell someone not to use something theyre addicted to. You can only choose whether you stick around to watch it or be a part of it. You have made it clear to him your feelings on it. Youve given chances, and his go-to is to lie to you about it and just use behind your back.

Im not even against occasional recreational drug use, but I still wouldnt want this behaviour around my children. Cokeheads are a nightmare

Hi op sorry your in this situation.
You need support - yes contact Narcotics Anonymous for yourself and see any support for you.
He’s an addict.
You have enabled him by trying to “fix” his problems. It’s not a criticism.
It what people do.
You had your boundary and he crossed it.
He wanted the drug over his family - he’s an addict.
He needs help, that’s his choice.
Your 3 year old won’t be devastated - it’s how you handle it and he handles it.
You need your family - friends around you. - don’t keep it a secret.
You didn’t cause this problem, you cannot cure it and you have no control over it.
💐

You need to stop pretending to yourself that it's a deal-breaker and you won't tolerate it because it isn't and you have.

Empty threats are pointless.

If he’s threatening to leave why don’t you just say fine? Sounds like this has probably been quite a regular occurrence.

@SakuraEdenSwan1

I really do not know why the OP always has a NC warning in case they get outed! Ffs millions of readers across the world are on here!

There are probably countless threats about her husband being a complete twat.

@tiredanddangerous

His text to the dealer asked if he was around? The dealer knows your address already then and has delivered drugs there before.

Excellent point. He's probably just deleted all past texts. People who order drugs don't send a text saying "hello please deliver me X worth of cocaine to X address". His asking if the dealer was around was him placing an order I'm sorry to say. There would have been no further communication which is why he has already left the money outside.

Educate yourself how cocaine is produced.
It does not come out of a nice clean cocaine factory.

Your DH is OK with exploiting children, trafficking women, killing off the rain forest, subsidising organized crime to fill the emptyness within or prop up his ego.

@user1481840227

He has then decided he is going to leave tonight as it’s best for everyone.

The saddest thing about that is that he didn't mean that when he said it, his eyes were on the prize! The prize was the cocaine and that's why he wanted to leave, but he blatantly lied to your face and tried to make out he was trying to do the right thing.

He is almost certainly a regular user, he behaves like one and must be very seriously addicted if he was planning on doing it by himself. Coke is generally a social drug, and the only people I know who do it by themselves are people who are addicted to it.

No one would randomly decide to get themselves a bag of coke to sit in by themselves if they were a casual user, they just wouldn't.

The relationship would be over for me.

Absolutely this, my ex would create arguments so he could 'storm out' and go on a binge, the only thing he will have in mind is getting the coke as soon as possible. He isn't trying to do right by you and the DC. Likely once he's thought of it and got so close to having it he can't let the idea go. I think you know he's going to go and take it and that's why you try and make him stay, to avoid the inevitable. Just let it go, let him make his own choices and then decide what you want to do, but like everyone else, I think you really need to give him the boot.

Sorry OP it sounds really hard for you and also for him, obviously in a different way.

He is an addict.
Just because he isn’t using daily or evenly weekly doesn’t mean he isn’t an addict.
An addict is someone who cannot control their desire or need.
He can’t control it because he can’t stop.

There is only one way an addict gets into recovery and that is for them to decide they want to stop and they take active measures to make it happen. Then they stay committed to that path, every single time, every single temptation or slip up, they go back to sobriety with the intention and commitment to stick at it, for them.

Until your OP is willing to admit he has a serious issue then it won’t change.

He needs NA probably. I wouldn’t be letting him back into the family home until he commits to this, not just in theory, but takes the steps, attends a meeting, admits his problem.

I know you don’t wNt your marriage to be over but also you can’t allow an addict (however sporadic his usage might be) to be around your children. Ask any child of an addict, it is one of the most devastating and long lasting environments you can grow up it.
Addiction will ruin him and your kids childhood if it is not dealt with.

Be strong OP, you can support him but HE must admit the problem and seek the help to get sober

I'm so sorry OP.

How are you doing this morning? Did you get any sleep?

Why would you think bringing dealers to the family home let alone using drugs is acceptable

Get rid and do the right thing and protect your children he's a waste of space

It's hard but deep down you'll know it's the right thing to do

I left my alcoholic husband after many talks- he also did drugs - I threatened to leave-went to al anon .he is an addict like your husband and addicts will always be addicts even when they stop for a while.NOTHING you do will help him.I’m sorry but he needs to stay gone.You need to put your children first and not let him back in at all.If he gets help-and he might choose not to- that is up to him.Addicts are very selfish and I know they can’t help it but you need to try to distance yourself from it.I have gone on to a much happier and stable marriage and unfortunately first husband still drinks and it’s a miracle he’s alive still. He messed up every relationship and his parents went through hell with him.I’m talking over 30 years here! The now adult children have nothing to do with him as he let them down so many times they have to protect themselves.
Your husband has a chance he to get clean and perhaps stay clean but you need to protect them from all the mess and you need to look after yourself from now on.It won’t be easy but if you take him back you will never trust him again

So sorry for what you are going through OP. I agree, he's an addict and alcohol and stress and clearly triggers. There is a Cocaine Addicts anonymous group as well as Narcotics Anonymous. Based on Alcoholics Anonymous these are free groups that provide incredible support and I would strongly recommend getting him to contact them. The website is here cocaineanonymous.org.uk/ good luck

I hope you've managed some sleep, OP. It sounds very tough but as an addict he will find a way to do it whenever he wants. It is unforgivable bringing it into the family home where his children are. Do you have family support?

I’d be upset that family money is going on drugs & that a drug dealer knows where you live and comes to your house! Where your kids sleep. These aren’t nice people their willing to use violence.

He’s sailed through so many ultimatums from you in the past and he’s still doing it. No ones going to think less of you for leaving once you explain he’s a user.

This really isn’t your problem to fix.