My DH just tried to order cocaine to our house!

[Imarriedanaddict]

Regular on here, name changed as don’t want this linked to my other posts in case I get outed.

The back story is that I got with my DH 9 years ago and found out he took cocaine. It’s not something I wanted in my life so ended things with us but he said he refused to let drugs ruin our relationship. I had made it clear that I didn’t like it and wouldn’t have it in my life and that it was a deal breaker. He stopped using and we stayed together and got more serious.

I gradually learnt that his cocaine use had actually been a pretty big issue but he was clean now so I wasn’t going to hold his past against him. (Yes I am aware I was probably very naive here)

A few years later I was pregnant with our first child and he slipped up and used one night. I was devastated, I made him sweat about us but in the end gave him another chance on the condition he knew it would be the end of us and our life together as a family if he ever touched it again. He agreed and also decided to change his phone number so he had no access to any contact numbers. We had our baby and have gone on to get married and have another baby.

About 2 months ago DH was getting really stressed out with work and juggling home life. It was really affecting his mental health. He went to the pub with some mates and he ended up going back to a mates house and taking some cocaine. He tried to deny it the next morning but he was so distraught he ended up confessing.

I was devastated that he’d done it but I was genuinely concerned for his mental well being that I didn’t push too hard. I had my concerns that he now had access to a number and it was only a matter of time before he did it again.

Significant changes were made to his work to reduce his stress and I’ve taken on as much as I can at home.

So to tonight, we’re all at home and DH has been drinking for a few hours, both children were in bed and I was just going to bed. Our eldest woke up crying in pain. We dealt with it together and then DH shut our bedroom door right up and went downstairs. He never does this as I need to listen out for the youngest who still wakes during the night. I then hear the front door open. Thinking DH had ordered more beer, I went down stairs to remind him he had to get up early with the kids. Nope turns out he was leaving money in the porch and had text a dealer. I didn’t catch him in the act or anything, he could have easily lied to me and said it was more beers but he confessed. I looked through his phone and he had sent one text asking if they were about and they replied saying yes. So he hadn’t actually ordered it yet but I know him leaving the money out means he was just about to.

I’ve asked why, I’ve asked what he was thinking, I’ve asked him to explain but I got nothing. He has then decided he is going to leave tonight as it’s best for everyone. But I won’t let him leave as it pretty much guarantees he will end up taking something and I’ll just be worried about him all night.

We’re currently going in a loop of him saying he is going to leave and me emotionally blackmailing him to stay as it’s the only thing he’ll listen to. He finally sits back down then it all starts again 20mins later. I won’t go to sleep until he gives in falls asleep so I know he isn’t going anywhere.

I don’t know what to do. I want to support him but all he ever says to me is there is no reason he does it, you’ll never understand. I don’t want this in my children’s lives or mine but I also love him and don’t want my children to lose out on their dad. I don’t want our marriage to be over.

Does anyone have any words of advice?

How are you feeling this morning? Has he come home? I suspected he hasn't. My ex had a problem with coke and the reality is it was always more important to him than me and his kids.

Please listen I am the daughter of a drug user , we had deslers at our house threatening my mum , we was raided by the police , my dad sold by brothers bed to fund his habit, my mum like you supported him and supported him then more dealers came to the house then we fled , you know why because she put us first three children and off we went to our grandparents until we got our own home , my mum stood strong despite the fact she loved my dad to bits , she remarried and sadly by dad died when I was 13 , drugs destroyed his body and I got married two years ago without him walking me down the Isle, despite the fact that this all happened when I was very young lts still fucked me up because I always think I had a father that loved drugs more than me , I'm 37 now and haven't seen my died since he died when I was 13 and I still to this day wonder why he didn't love me and my siblings enough to put us first
Don't do this to your children OP he is already choosing drugs over to you and your children
They deserve so much better than a coke snorting mess

You know you HAVE to kick him out and change the locks. For your children's sake. No child should live in a house where drugs are more important than them, where dealers do home delivery. That's incredibly sad and its incredibly sad that this is even a question for you. He can not stay.

Morning OP - I just wanted to send you a big virtual hug. I hope you managed to get some sleep.

Nobody can tell you what to do - only you know whether this is what you want in your life. It sounds like your husband has an ongoing issue with drugs that is going to keep rearing it's ugly head and is going to be something that (if you decide to stay) you will have to deal with forever.

Personally I don't think I could carry on. He knows your feelings and how much it is affecting the family but unfortunately for whatever reason he needs to put himself first.

Sorry you have to go through this, OP. He isnt unique and you cannot help him. You have lost him to drugs. You need to move on with your life or else you will lose a decade or more trying to fix him, causing pain and agony and turmoil for all.

I won’t tolerate him using but I also don’t want to separate from my husband

I'm afraid you can't have both op, which is what you've been doing for years.

He's using, has always used in one way or another, you've forgiven him several times now, told him this needs to be the last time, several times. He's chosen drugs.

I'd ask for the thread to be deleted all you will get is high and mighty replies.
Speak to some of the helplines they will be able to give you constructive advice and correct information.

best of luck.

I won’t tolerate him using but I also don’t want to separate from my husband

Unfortunately I don't think you can have what you want here - you are going to either:

• tolerate him using

or -separate from your husband

Really very sorry, but you do need a reality check.

Really sorry to hear this OP. Unfortunately it does sound like addict behaviour, and there is a high chance he will be remorseful next time you see him. But he has to want to change and be willing to engage with services that can help him.

I’d recommend you contact Adfam - they will have lots of advice and support for you and the children while you work out where you go from here.

Addiction is horrible and destroys families, but people can recover if they are committed and have the right support. Just don’t rush into thinking this was a blip - it’s a long and difficult journey, even if he does decide to take it.

He knows you’re not going to leave. He’ll promise and promise and you’ll give him chance after chance.

This is your life now unless you seriously end this relationship. He’s been warned, and warned again - yet he continues to do it... why? Because he relapsed two warnings ago that it’s empty threats? He knows if he sheds a few crocodile tears and a hopeless promise you’ll run back with the tissues.

Get out, take the children. You’ll also want to consider what form of custody or visitation rights he gets. I wouldn’t want a coked up addict caring for my children on his own.

He realises two warnings ago*

OP you can get through this. Both of you.

I have a very close friend who has got through this with her DH.

He started counselling, joined AA and NA. He also went and spoke to the GP who put him on medication.

Both do 247 on line zoom groups you can get on but ( which are brilliant) but he needs a sponsor for real life support. Joining AA is important as that’s the prequel to ordering drugs (although not everybody does this) Your DH needs to go completely clean.

My friends DH was using everyday ( eye watering money spent daily on it) and was really in mental health crisis.

However he really pulled himself together because of the amount of work he put in to helping himself. He could not of done it with outside help. She helped him access that support and it was her final chance she gave him. He did fantastic because he wanted to.

I wouldn’t immediately jump to kicking him out. Talk to him. Tell him he HAS to access this help. Help him. Don’t attack him his mental health will probably be bad today but don’t pretend it hasn’t happened.

If he doesn’t do all the above then leave him.

My Dsis had the same situation with her DP and father of her DC. He is gone and still using, unfortunately, she waited until he burnt through about £50K of legacies from GPs (2 hers, 1 his) in about 2 years. It took about 6 months for him to get through his share of the house equity that she bought him out with.

Sorry you are going through this op, but it needs to be over and you need to take advice from social services and possibly the police if there is a possibility that he will be driving the children around.

Addicts lie and manipulate. I don't think you've even scratched the surface with this.

Protect yourself and your kids. Also don't keep this a secret- it's not your shame. Tell your friends and family, you need the support. Secrecy in families also keeps it going.

He has an addiction, he needs help. My son lives with me instead of with his children and expartner, because of this, he has been struggling for over 20 years, and is only living here on condition that he engages fully with Drug addiction services, and so that he has somewhere pleasant to see his children regularly. His expartner is a great mother, and stil lloves him to some extent, and we work together, in order to give the children a good life where they still have almost daily contact with their father.

"Making him sweat " only works once .the first time you cave is when that tactic stops working

He doesn't want to leave because is "best" he wants to leave so he can take drugs unhindered by you .
Sorry its harsh , and with 2 small kids I can only imagine what you are going through..but the sooner you realise drugs come first for him the sooner you can make the best decision for your children.

@picturesandpickles

I won’t tolerate him using but I also don’t want to separate from my husband

Unfortunately I don't think you can have what you want here - you are going to either:

• tolerate him using

or -separate from your husband

Really very sorry, but you do need a reality check.

People can absolutely bounce back from addiction. I’ve seen it.

He needs external help - non which have been accessed before.

OP, it's striking that you don't want to make the very hard choice that is coming and that you think you can avoid making it by dealing with him like a mother with a young teenager. His choice is made and this is not within your control. I'm afraid that other posters are right - you leave (or rather show him the door) or this is your life in perpetuity.

Drugs and alcohol are how he copes with stress, you cannot change that, only he can - and he hasn't. You have given him the ultimatum previously, more than once, that if he takes cocaine again he has to leave, then you didn't follow through - now it is just an empty theat. If even the thought of losing his family wasn't enough to stop him then what will be?
He's given you no choice but to split IMO, it sounds like you think he's honest because he has confessed when confronted - but he has no problem doing things behind your back or sneaking out on you. This is not someone you can trust unfortunately who will always put his own wants and needs before you and his children.

I can't read and run. I'm in exactly the same position with an alcoholic DH.
Like you, there were glimpses of the addiction all through the relationship, ultimatums, promises, all kinds of help to reduce stress, etc. I loved him dearly and didn't want to end the relationship.

However, I came home from work to find him too drunk to look after our DC who were in his care. At that point I realised that he was capable of causing harm to my lovely DC and unless I took steps to get him away from the DC so was I. He's been living away from us since then. It is hard, very hard. The DC are old enough to know what happened and are gutted but they are safe from harm, they are alive and we have space and time to work on the sadness.

The next thunderbolt realisation was that even though the crisis point was only a few months ago he's been an addict for way longer. There was always problems but they were 'fixable'. Witb hindsight the 'fix' was that he just got better at lying to me. There have been so many lies, so much deflection, so many times where stuff was said and done just to allow him to get back to his addiction in peace. As our seperation continues its becoming more apparent that the person I loved was just a construct to facilitate the addiction and I don't know the person he really is at all. '

Its properly devastating but that's what dealing with addicts is. I am so sorry that you are going through this too.

It’s totally understandable that you don’t want to face up to the reality of the situation, but you have to be the parent who starts putting your children first.

Your husband’s priority is cocaine. It always will be. Your empty words go in one ear and out the other.

If you take your husband back you are prioritising your desire to pretend you have a functioning marriage over your children’s safety. He’s bringing drug dealers to your home, FFS!

He’s not at skid row levels of fucking up his life, it’s just that in a moment when he could use (lockdown easing, knowing the dealer, knowing they were ‘about’) he did use.
To me the biggest danger to you guys now is that it’s still plausible that this was ‘a moment of madness’ ‘dunno what I was thinking’ ‘I’m stressed’ ‘I was pissed’ and that you, because you want to keep your family in tact will offer an ultimatum (stop drinking, delete the number) in order to go back to normal. He needs to attend drugs counselling or rehab and leave the family while he does. I think that’s the reality here. But talking in absolutes: marriage is over, chose drugs over the kids etc is inaccurate and unhelpful. But don’t be soothed into minimising this: it won’t help him.

You should throw him out and end the marriage.

He’s a loser and never going to change. He not only would have brought that muck to your home but a dealer as well.

I have no time for anyone involved with cocaine in any way. They are scum including users who can overlook the misery and destruction the industry causes for their pathetic little high.

Some of the replies on here are unhelpful.

Swop cocain for alcohol and DH for DW.

‘ My wife has had issues with her mental health due to work but we reduced her hours. She’s always like a drink but I don’t drink and she promised to cut it out. But lately she been getting so drunk she passes out or hides drink around the house or gets people to drop it off. I stopped her from drinking last night and she said it was best she leaves and left’

The replies on here would be much different. Many more would be asking what external help she has been offered for her mental health and what services she could get support from.

Mental health, alcohol addiction and cocain addiction walk hand in hand. This man needs one last chance with real external help

@rwalker

I'd ask for the thread to be deleted all you will get is high and mighty replies. Speak to some of the helplines they will be able to give you constructive advice and correct information.

best of luck.

I actually agree with this. These threads only gone way I'm afraid!

I do agree you can't have him in the house at the moment though. Possibly not ever. He is clearly using and was, even by his account, someone who did at one point have a serious problem with coke.

Speak to someone who really knows about drugs and addition problems. Mumsnet isn't that place! (I'm sure there are people on here who are very knowledgeable and are drugs counsellors etc, but as a hive mind the more vocal elements lean towards the very pearly clutchy, which probably isn't helpful just now).