Regular on here, name changed as don’t want this linked to my other posts in case I get outed.
The back story is that I got with my DH 9 years ago and found out he took cocaine. It’s not something I wanted in my life so ended things with us but he said he refused to let drugs ruin our relationship. I had made it clear that I didn’t like it and wouldn’t have it in my life and that it was a deal breaker. He stopped using and we stayed together and got more serious.
I gradually learnt that his cocaine use had actually been a pretty big issue but he was clean now so I wasn’t going to hold his past against him. (Yes I am aware I was probably very naive here)
A few years later I was pregnant with our first child and he slipped up and used one night. I was devastated, I made him sweat about us but in the end gave him another chance on the condition he knew it would be the end of us and our life together as a family if he ever touched it again. He agreed and also decided to change his phone number so he had no access to any contact numbers. We had our baby and have gone on to get married and have another baby.
About 2 months ago DH was getting really stressed out with work and juggling home life. It was really affecting his mental health. He went to the pub with some mates and he ended up going back to a mates house and taking some cocaine. He tried to deny it the next morning but he was so distraught he ended up confessing.
I was devastated that he’d done it but I was genuinely concerned for his mental well being that I didn’t push too hard. I had my concerns that he now had access to a number and it was only a matter of time before he did it again.
Significant changes were made to his work to reduce his stress and I’ve taken on as much as I can at home.
So to tonight, we’re all at home and DH has been drinking for a few hours, both children were in bed and I was just going to bed. Our eldest woke up crying in pain. We dealt with it together and then DH shut our bedroom door right up and went downstairs. He never does this as I need to listen out for the youngest who still wakes during the night. I then hear the front door open. Thinking DH had ordered more beer, I went down stairs to remind him he had to get up early with the kids. Nope turns out he was leaving money in the porch and had text a dealer. I didn’t catch him in the act or anything, he could have easily lied to me and said it was more beers but he confessed. I looked through his phone and he had sent one text asking if they were about and they replied saying yes. So he hadn’t actually ordered it yet but I know him leaving the money out means he was just about to.
I’ve asked why, I’ve asked what he was thinking, I’ve asked him to explain but I got nothing. He has then decided he is going to leave tonight as it’s best for everyone. But I won’t let him leave as it pretty much guarantees he will end up taking something and I’ll just be worried about him all night.
We’re currently going in a loop of him saying he is going to leave and me emotionally blackmailing him to stay as it’s the only thing he’ll listen to. He finally sits back down then it all starts again 20mins later. I won’t go to sleep until he gives in falls asleep so I know he isn’t going anywhere.
I don’t know what to do. I want to support him but all he ever says to me is there is no reason he does it, you’ll never understand. I don’t want this in my children’s lives or mine but I also love him and don’t want my children to lose out on their dad. I don’t want our marriage to be over.
Does anyone have any words of advice?