Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

@stillcrazyafterall

My ex's family always thanked my MIL for the wonderful meal, it was total bullshit as she was a terrible cook and her meals were horrendous.

It's very much a thing in the Southern US to thank the person who cooked. It's also often included in saying grace: "bless the hands that prepared this food."

@Delatron

I don’t understand the alcohol one. So people go to parties with say a bottle of wine and then get a glass and sit and drink that wine? I haven’t done that since I was about 14. You don’t share your drink with anyone?

What I’m used to..You go to a party, hand over the bottle of wine/whatever and then the host serves drinks all night. I would have no idea if my bottle has even been opened let alone clock if there was any left.

People who are into wine make a big fuss about each bottle...so if someone brings a bottle which they've chosen carefully, the host should open it when appropriate and let people know and see what the wine is.

Guests who bring wine and never see it again will be disappointed if they don't get to taste it. Especially if they chose it carefully.

Yeah I think its just good manners to thank whoever has cook for you, even if the food isn't great.

[quote ScrollingLeaves]@Smashingorbs
“I know this is a bit "niche" but we used to go to lots of balls at university where some of the older ladies wore white gloves and I never remembered to look and see whether they took them off when they sat down to eat dinner, and then breakfast. I'm never likely to need to know this information ever again but it's a small detail that's been bugging me for 30-odd years or so!”

I think I remember my grandmother (flapper era) telling me they would undo the buttons at the wrist (?), pull the part with the fingers off the hand and then tuck that part in neatly around the wrist. There MST have been a knack to it.[/quote]
Gosh ScrollingLeaves that wasn't at all the reply I was expecting, but thank you very much for it!

Can anyone enlighten me as to why it is rude to butter an entire bread roll please?

@RampantIvy

Can anyone enlighten me as to why it is rude to butter an entire bread roll please?

I think the logic insofar as it’s ‘logic’ (which only applies to formal meals) is that buttering a whole bread roll or slice and biting into it means you’re more likely to get butter around your mouth and on your fingers.

I thought it was because you may not eat all the bread roll and so it would seem greedy to waste the butter on bread you won’t eat. But I’ve no idea if that’s right.

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

I thought I was being polite by lifting one leg to break wind when seated, and saying "Better out than in" to ensure that the other people in the train compartment knew the source. But I'm damned if I can find the topic in Debrett's now, so I may be wrong.

Hahaha

@memberofthewedding

I could never get my head around this "rounds" in a pub custom and have always bought my own. You are drinking coke and buying expensive drinks for others. How is that fair?

I also found that if you socialise alone with couples you get cheated. So if you are out with two couples it should be your turn every 5th round. Instead it comes around every third because the wives rarely put their hands in their pockets.

When I pointed out such things people used to say I was "tight" but I just preferred to go to the bar and get my own drinks. Fortunately I have never cared overmuch what other people thought of me, and in my 70s I care even less.

This is me, too!

That at a formal dinner you should alternate your conversation with the courses, so chat to the person on one side during the starter; the other side for the main; then the first person again for dessert. I can’t remember which side you start on. But I think the purpose is to avoid that awful feeling when the people on each side of you are talking to the people on the other side of them and you’re billy no mates in the middle.

Unless it’s just me that happens to.

@RampantIvy

Can anyone enlighten me as to why it is rude to butter an entire bread roll please?

Because watching someone slathering butter all over their bread and then seeing them cover their hands in grease might mean they get grease on their neighbours chair when they assist a woman to stand, or pass sauce jugs, wine or salt, if it’s communal.

White to a wedding. I never wore solid white, wouldnt dream of it, but didnt realize that a bright floral print on a white background may be seen as impolite.

I would have thought that spreading butter on torn off bits of bread roll would mske your hands just as likely to get greasy @LemonRoses.

@callingon

I think my Granny might have considered eating in the street a bit déclassé but that ship has sailed in 2021, surely?!

Agree. I was told never to eat in the street in the 70s, but I'm sure nobody gives a stuff these days......

"Because watching someone slathering butter all over their bread and then seeing them cover their hands in grease might mean they get grease on their neighbours chair when they assist a woman to stand, or pass sauce jugs, wine or salt, if it’s communal."

Don't be silly. We don't get butter all over our hands when we spread it on bread.

"I don’t really understand the alcohol one. Surely people don’t expect to drink the wine they’ve brought to supper? "

I'm not posh enough for dinner parties, but if I'm going to a drinks party or even having dinner at a friend's informally, yes, I might bring my own wine for me (and others) to drink. I don't really care about x wine going with x food.
If friends come to mine I ask them if they want to open their wine or drink my (inevitably cheap) wine.

RampantIvy Re breaking off a piece of bread - it's so you can break off an appropriately neat and bite sized piece of bread in advance, instead of trying to bite off an appropriately sized piece from the whole bun, which may not work out and is ungainly for onlookers to witness if it doesn't and the aimed-for small bite turns into half the bread roll, which you then have to deal with whilst it's hanging out of your mouth. Also risks smearing the butter on your own face in the process.

All this unpleasantness can be avoided by breaking a small piece to eat in advance, knowing for a fact the piece will fit and behave itself

@DandelionRose your teacher was incorrect.

^ (And obviously, it doesn't make sense to butter the whole bun and then try to break a bite-sized piece off as that would make your hands greasy. The first thing to do is take an appropriate sized knob of butter from the communal butter dish and put it on your side plate. You then use that as your personal butter source to last you the whole bread roll, you don't double-dip, so it's tough if you misjudge the amount to take.

You get better at judging how much butter to take - a quick scan of the numbers around the table and number of butter dishes and butter in it tells you in a flash if you can be lean or hearty with your butter amount to take. Obviously it's very rude to take a hearty amount like 1/3 of the butter dish content if it's meant to serve 6 people round the table.

Then, it's break a small dainty piece off that won't ruin your lipstick and butter it individually from your own butter knob on your side plate

I find "what" incredibly rude. Now I know that I am very common

@Gwenhwyfar

"Because watching someone slathering butter all over their bread and then seeing them cover their hands in grease might mean they get grease on their neighbours chair when they assist a woman to stand, or pass sauce jugs, wine or salt, if it’s communal."

Don't be silly. We don't get butter all over our hands when we spread it on bread.

Well, it makes about as much sense as spooning soup away from you being a failsafe way of not slobbering it down your front.

@OnASwankyMarleyPond

Thank you notes - what a minefield. I knew you sent them after receiving presents eg birthdays and Christmas. Did NOT know you were supposed to send them after events till some of my posher acquaintances sent them a) after staying with us (so a card to thank us for hosting) and b) after we visited them (so a thank you for coming to see us card). God knows how many posh in laws I’ve inadvertently offended 😁 (at least 2 that I know of).

Also taking food gifts to day time meet ups. Knew about wine / chocs for dinner parties, but wasn’t till my quite posh NCT group that I realised nobody went anywhere in the day without taking cake / chocolates / biscuits. And the trend is still there for primary aged play dates - cue lots of frantic cupboard rooting at the last minute to find edibles that are ‘special’ enough for two mums to have a chat.

I was brought up well but the things you do as a child (e.g. thank yous for staying at a friends for the weekend) don't always translate to adulthood. I take chocs and wine for dinner parties and weekend visits, but don't write or phone afterwards. Jilly Cooper books suggest I should, but I'm not that posh these days......

Luckily, I avoided NCT groups so my baby/toddler/primary school experiences were normal, state school, average people and we definitely never took fancy cakes for meet ups! Obvs if we met in the lovely cafe in the village they were already there , and we had one mum who is a fab baker, but it's not expected.

Dunairbeanat I agree, I find "What" incredibly rude too. Despite all the PP saying it's fine and actually Pardon is ruder than What due to some historical nonsense and the very poshest people in society say "What", we all know that it only washes for said poshest people. For everyone else who isn't one of the poshest people in society, it's rude to say What.

It's a bit like posters on here claiming that the poshest people drive the worst, clapped-out old cars. That doesn't make having a clapped-out old cars posh in itself. "What "is not polite in itself.

I think a text or email is fine for most thank-yous these days.

I think anything is ok as long as it’s not the dreaded “pardon”. “Sorry” or “sorry what was that” - agree barking “what” at someone in an irritable tone doesn’t seem right!