Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

Well, I’m as common as muck and I know - don’t necessarily do - all of these. I don’t know how I learned them. I learned some later than others - eg, breaking a bread roll and not cutting it I learned later, not as a child.

@Peregrina

The upper class barking "What" at me, sounds very rude. Not that I have many dealings with Upper class people!

I use would tend to use What instead of Pardon usually but it does go down differently with different people. So sometimes I go for a whole "I'm sorry I didn't hear you"

Once I was getting out of a taxi - without a meter - and the driver told me the fare but I only caught half of it because of the street noise and said "What?" and he looked shifty and lowered it by 2 pounds when he repeated it!

Drinking the milk at the end of a bowl of cereal!

How do you mean? "What" is correct - why would anyone be shocked at it?

Yes, but a pp said objecting to ‘pardon’ was snobbish so I wondered what she thought when pps have objected to ‘what’.

"Most say goodbye and shut the door on me straight away."

I just say "you know the way out don't you?".

"when you drive a friend home after a night out wait until they are in their house before you drive away."

Oh yes, but that's safety.

I only learned from my husband that you are supposed to put your knife and fork together when you are finished eating.

" I did not realise either that most people did air kisses, I thought they were real. I think they are on the Continent. "

No, social kissing on the continent is usually a press of the cheek and kissing the air. Kissing with lips right on the cheek might happen for special occasions e.g. the person is leaving. Otherwise, you'd be covered in lipstick all the time for one thing.

I come from a country where we always had a cleaner at home and my parents missed the "this is why and how you use a toilet brush" lesson.. I was 21 before I learnt that they were for you to use not there to be used for when the cleaner came. I'm still horrified I didn't know this! Definitely bad manners!

"I had no idea you couldn't just cancel plans if you didn't fancy it."

Well, it depends doesn't it. If you're one of 50 people going to a party, cancelling won't matter, but if there's 8 of you and other people weren't chosen because of you, it wouldn't be nice to cancel.

@Seainasive

I seriously had no idea you’re not supposed to wear a white dress to a wedding. I wish someone had told me. Its 20 years ago now and I still cringe about that one.

That's actually a misconception. You're not allowed to upstage the bride, but wearing white is fine (remember pippa's dress at Kates wedding?). But too many people translate that into "don't wear white".

@tinkyywinky

Drinking the milk at the end of a bowl of cereal!

Perfectly acceptable if you live alone though!

My late OH would take his empty plate into the kitchen and lick it! When I said I thought it was a foul thing to do his Mother said it was a compliment to my cooking!!!!

My ex's family always thanked my MIL for the wonderful meal, it was total bullshit as she was a terrible cook and her meals were horrendous.

@Puttingouthefirewithgasoline

Sarah and quack, small talk is a huge bug bear of mine

It's essentially how we all get along isn't it, and make each feel comfortable. Yes, some people don't like it but it's easier to move onto bigger subjects when the smaller are easing you in

It's a skill, and an important one and one that my dh family don't do.
So it's either me talking and generating conversation by, small talk or silence.
When people don't mske small talk, esp in situations like this it feels like they don't care about your comfort, they are not interested in you and that they are rude.

Exactly that!

My current DP's family do absolutely no small talk and it's a very uncomfortable experience visiting them.

Not that everyone thinks but my MIL has some very set ideas about manners, which I discovered in my later 20s at theirs (or our at restaurants with them)

Napkins must ALWAYS be used if they're there (I grew up using them only if eating something messy while wearing something delicate)
At the end of the meal, cutlery MUST be placed at 6 o'clock to make it clear you are finished!

@Smashingorbs
“I know this is a bit "niche" but we used to go to lots of balls at university where some of the older ladies wore white gloves and I never remembered to look and see whether they took them off when they sat down to eat dinner, and then breakfast. I'm never likely to need to know this information ever again but it's a small detail that's been bugging me for 30-odd years or so!”

I think I remember my grandmother (flapper era) telling me they would undo the buttons at the wrist (?), pull the part with the fingers off the hand and then tuck that part in neatly around the wrist. There MST have been a knack to it.

Social kissing, what's that?
I don't like kissing strangers, or even pretending too.
My mil did do the double kiss, but I didn't like it as I didn't 't know her well enough, when she first did it, find it creepy, she doesn't do it anymore, I think my partner, told her it creeps me out. I don't mind kissing my mum and dad maybe my sister and my son, my grandma. That's the extent of who I am comfortable kissing. A bonus of this Pandemic, it might stop this from happening.

I didn't know to pass both salt and pepper when people asked for salt at the table.
Also wasn't aware about not cutting the nose off the cheese.

@hollygoflightly

“@LemonRoses so what do you say instead of pardon? I'm trying to think of more polite alternatives- I was taught don't say what say pardon!”

It is difficult because, “What?” sounds rude to some people even though it is a perfectly simple and correct word, saying exactly what it means... short for, “What did you say?”.
To replace it with, “ pardon” is fussy and unnecessary.

But if you say “what” to people who would consider it rude, that would be bad manners in a way. I would say, in that case, “ I am sorry, I didn’t quite hear you. What was it you said?”

I haven’t noticed people blowing on food so much as licking their fingers in order to pick up every damn crumb on a wet finger. It’s ver efficient, but I hate it. I also hate excessively noisy bowl or plate scraping. We have some glass bowls that look sort of pleated. I can’t use them with guests who repeatedly and noisily scrape out each groove.
People can do what they like alone in the kitchen.

@PassGo

The answer to how do you do? is how do you do?

I'm now imagining 2 people locked in a endless cycle of 'How do you do?' 'How do you do?' 'How do you do?' 'How do you do?'...

if you think of it like Ca Va in french then it becomes less ridiculous - also Good Morning/Good Morning - it's just a greeting

On the alcohol one. It annoys me when people leave their alcohol behind. It's normally stuff I don't like 🤣

I grew up in the East end of London, hearing 'what?!' was usual, so doesn't sound upper class to me!

I don’t understand the alcohol one. So people go to parties with say a bottle of wine and then get a glass and sit and drink that wine? I haven’t done that since I was about 14. You don’t share your
drink with anyone?

What I’m used to..You go to a party, hand over the bottle of wine/whatever and then the host serves drinks all night. I would have no idea if my bottle has even been opened let alone clock if there was any left.

Whenever we host parties I always encourage guests to take their spirits back with them, they’re expensive and sometimes only 40% full. And I don’t want to be left with loads of bottles. Normally we provide beer and wine and encourage guests to bring any other drinks they might fancy, but I wouldn’t expect them to leave them

I don’t really understand the alcohol one. Surely people don’t expect to drink the wine they’ve brought to supper? How would you know what was being served usually?

Maybe for a family Sunday lunch if you knew it was definitely roast lamb and you agreed in advance to bring a half decent Rhône - but only if you brought enough for everyone.