Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

@AlfonsoTheTerrible

There seems to be some confusion between "how do you do" and "how are you?"

"How do you do" is a statement, not a question as the first person is not asking how you are. The correct response is "how do you do". I know it sounds silly but that's the way it is.

"How are you?" is a question so the correct response is something along the lines of "I'm well, thank you. And you?"

Exactly

I was brought up in a culture that said if your going somewhere and offer a lift to someone also going there you don’t ask or expect to be asked for petrol money. No matter the distance. Also you’re responsible for getting the person home
I had no idea that other people would expect you to offer petrol money or you can’t always assume they’ll bring you home. Cringe

"I had no idea that other people would expect you to offer petrol money or you can’t always assume they’ll bring you home. Cringe"

People never ask me for petrol money if it's an occasional lift. That's more for long distances or regular car share commuting. I do offer or buy them a drink or something.
It DOES usually mean a lift home too though, unless you've discussed otherwise, so I think you've come across some not very nice people.

"chewing with front teeth"

What?

""How do you do" is a statement, not a question as the first person is not asking how you are. The correct response is "how do you do". I know it sounds silly but that's the way it is."

We're not in the 19th Century. I just say 'pleased to meet you'. I'm not sure anyone in the UK has actually said 'how do you do?' to me though...

"Also when I invite someone to be our guest at a restaurant meal, picking the cheapest thing on the menu and skipping the starter isn't good manners is my book. It is saying I don't think you can afford to feed me."

How is the other person supposed to know you feel like that though? You could easily complain the other way that the person cost you too much money.

@Gwenhwyfar

"chewing with front teeth"

What?

Some people chew in front of the mouth and when they speak you get a full view .

@InFiveMins

Shocked at the people who would take bottles of alcohol home with them. It's a gift for the host.

Wouldn't dream of turning up with an opened bottle either.

BYO is not necessarily a gift for the host. It can also be seen as bringing something to drink yourself so the host doesn't have to provide it and as many have mentioned, the host may not drink what you've brought with you.

"cutting nose off the cheese until I was in my 20s."

I'm in my 40s and don't know. Can you explain?

@Gwenhwyfar
By not going to a place that is out of range and saying and meaning 'be our guest, our treat'.

@IHaveBrilloHair

The knife and fork one in the wrong hands is silly, but I'll admit to inwardly cringing when people don't use cutlery properly. Dd used to tell me to shush when I'd watch CDWM, and yell, "knife like pen", at the TV.

How would you know if somone was left handed?

You'd still be judging away

"I always understood that it is incorrect to take wine to a dinner party as the hosts may feel obliged to open your bottle when they'd already planned the wine for the meal, (and your wine might be crap!)

It's super-rude in France, for exactly this reason"

I heard that the thing with France was that you would be insulting the host's own 'cave'.
In one of the first episodes of Cold Feet, David looks down on the wine Adam brings to a dinner party. That's why I don't pay too much attention to these things. You can try to do the right thing by bringing wine, but it still not be enough for some people.

@Spottybluepyjamas

I think the knife and fork thing because if you hold them in the wrong hands then you automatically take up more room to scoop with your fork (your elbows are out). If you hold them the right way then you push the food onto the top of the fork and your elbows are automatically in so you don't keep getting in someone else's space or hitting some other poor diner with your elbows while they're trying to eat

I don’t understand? Why would my elbows be further out because my knife and fork are in opposite hands? My body is (broadly ) symmetrical, and I don’t scoop my food just because cutlery is in the ‘wrong’ hands.

Such a weird notion to assume that holding knife and fork in opposite hands means the person is uncomfortable with cutlery and inconveniencing other diners!

This thread has made me smile, I'm generally good on manners but remember well the time when as a child I knew no better, ate my soup "correctly" in a restaurant - and then proceeded at the end as I would at home (and as my parents did!) to lift the bowl with both hands and drink what was left that I couldn't get at with the spoon! Mum was MORTIFIED dad just laughed

My ex ate like a Fucking convict! Arms around his plate, face close to the plate and shoved it all in as fast as possible. His defence was he was the youngest of 4 and he'd learnt to eat this way to stop his siblings talking his food "you not eating that? Cool I'll have it then" and they'd grab it off his plate! His parents generally raised them well but their table manners were APPALLING

Nrtft yet so kinda placemarking too

"@Gwenhwyfar, surely blowing on food is rude because unhygienic? You're huffing out aerosolised spittle in proximity to other people's food."

You're only blowing on your own food though.

"Ah, see, my parents would talk at dinner and did go in for 'intellectual' conversation with us children, but it was incredibly argumentative.. We did have long chats sometimes, but I had never learned to have a discussion where you politely conceded someone else's point

The first time I brought my ex-H to meet my family (and we were all of 23 and 21, I think), he was very polite but at some point just cheerfully said 'oh, I am sure I'm wrong then, Mr [SarahAndQuack'sName], but this lamb is delicious, may I ask what your recipe is?.' I am not kidding, it was a watershed moment for me you could just say 'I'm wrong' and move on to another subject.

For ages I found it really hard to understand that, in small talk, you don't have to respond scrupulously honestly and in detail to every question."

I'm the same.
I don't think we're alone because the Internet is full of people like me who see the need to point out when someone is wrong in our opinion.

People will much rather that you are relaxed and joining in

This is so true
Even the very well bred may not notice a faux pas unless it's really obvious (and they won't say anything even if they do) but they'll notice an awkward guest who won't join in and who nobody knows what to do with

If they thought you were that much of an oik they'd never have invited you in the first place, so why not just enjoy whatever it is?

"Some people chew in front of the mouth and when they speak you get a full view grin."

So, maybe I do this because I'd never heard of it as a thing before...

@AbsolutelyPatsy

My ds latest GF used the cutlery the wrong way round, and I noticed and considered, was she left handed or just bad mannered?

But why do you consider it bad mannered? I’m yet to find a reason that doesn’t boil down to ‘because in the olden days we also used to beat left handedness out of children and this is the same thing’.

I meant to mention the lovely story about the Queen (surely an expert on "etiquette" if ever there was one) hosting a guest who didn't know what a finger bowl was for and drank from it ... so rather than risk him feeling awkward she lifted her own bowl and did exactly the same

And another from the US involving Laura Bush, who received a guest who was horrified to see she was wearing the same dress. Knowing the guest could do nothing about it at that point, the First Lady arranged for a drink to be "spilled" on her own dress so she could go and change

Now, neither of those may have had much to do with "etiquette", but by heck they were good manners, and they shared the crucial point about not making others uncomfortable

[quote JackieTheFart]@Spottybluepyjamas

I think the knife and fork thing because if you hold them in the wrong hands then you automatically take up more room to scoop with your fork (your elbows are out). If you hold them the right way then you push the food onto the top of the fork and your elbows are automatically in so you don't keep getting in someone else's space or hitting some other poor diner with your elbows while they're trying to eat

I don’t understand? Why would my elbows be further out because my knife and fork are in opposite hands? My body is (broadly ) symmetrical, and I don’t scoop my food just because cutlery is in the ‘wrong’ hands.

Such a weird notion to assume that holding knife and fork in opposite hands means the person is uncomfortable with cutlery and inconveniencing other diners![/quote]
I imagine it's that you might push and pull with knife in your right hand and if the person on your right is doing it with their left hand you'd be bashing elbows? So ideally everyone's sawing away in time with each other like a violin quartet but on one side only!
But really it doesn't actually make a difference, surely?!

It irks me when waiting staff start clearing the table when someone is still eating, or when a host does this.

Fil expects his plate to be removed instantly in a restaurant.

In their home when he finishes, even though others are still eating he gathers up all the serving bowls and starts putting all the veg etc into one bowl using his hands. 🤢

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I meant to mention the lovely story about the Queen (surely an expert on "etiquette" if ever there was one) hosting a guest who didn't know what a finger bowl was for and drank from it ... so rather than risk him feeling awkward she lifted her own bowl and did exactly the same

And another from the US involving Laura Bush, who received a guest who was horrified to see she was wearing the same dress. Knowing the guest could do nothing about it at that point, the First Lady arranged for a drink to be "spilled" on her own dress so she could go and change

Now, neither of those may have had much to do with "etiquette", but by heck they were good manners, and they shared the crucial point about not making others uncomfortable

I heard Queen Elizabeth did similar with peas when a guest stabbed them with the fork instead of squashing them on the back, she did the same so as not to embarrass them.

memberofthewedding I'm with you.

@starfishmummy

It irks me when waiting staff start clearing the table when someone is still eating, or when a host does this.

Fil expects his plate to be removed instantly in a restaurant.

In their home when he finishes, even though others are still eating he gathers up all the serving bowls and starts putting all the veg etc into one bowl using his hands. 🤢

Ha ha, classy fil . I would 'fork' him so hard 'trying' to get to the vegetables, he wouldn't be able to repeat that behavior... ever 🤣.

Manners or not.