Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

The one that drives me crazy is the telephone:
Don't call up like you're phishing: 'Is that TarheelBaby?'

If you are calling a business, you should simply ask to speak to whomever you are calling. It's more polite to give your name:
Hello, (this is TarheelBaby,) please may I speak to NN

If you are legitimately calling (not phishing) from a business you should say so:
'This is TarheelBaby, calling from the shop, to say that your order is ready.'
or Hello, I'm calling from the shop for X.

I was brought up in a teetotal household so had no idea when I went to university about the etiquette of rounds. The first time I went into a pub was when I was 18 and when I was offered a drink asked for the only one I had ever heard of. It was a whisky based concoction and pretty expensive. I didn’t realise that I should have returned the offer and didn’t buy him a drink. Cringe. I never saw him again.

@JudgeJ - had a grin at that! 🤣

I always understood that it is incorrect to take wine to a dinner party as the hosts may feel obliged to open your bottle when they'd already planned the wine for the meal, (and your wine might be crap!)

It's also the thing to take wine to a dinner party but it not be opened as the host has perfectly paired the wine with the food already. I think some people live in a different world to me though

We don’t mix in those kind of circles. We only eat with family and close friends – no formal dinner parties, so we all drink the wine that people bring because it is expected. DH and one of his friends like to test each other on wines and will wrap the wine in newspaper and ask the other to guess what the wine is. When we have people round to eat we get wine in that we know people will enjoy, but usually have a white in the fridge and a red open to breathe. Most of our friends prefer red wine regardless of what food I am serving.

Same reason why you sit up straight and bring the spoon to your mouth, not your mouth to the spoon. Otherwise it’s “shovelling”

When I was a student my best friend was Chinese. She told me off for bringing my chopsticks up to my mouth and said that it was considered rude in China. Apparently the correct way to eat was to hold your rice bowl in your hand and shovel your food in with your chopsticks.

Eating before everyone else gets their food at a restaurant. My family are obsessed with hot food so just start eating. I did too until I went out for a meal with my ex and his family and everyone looked at me in horror as I gobbled down a pizza while they were still waiting 🤷‍♀️

"pardon" does really make me cringe

I never knew it was rude to ask someone how they voted until I asked a schoolfriend's father and he really told me off about how rude it was. I was mortified and never asked anyone ever again.

I always understood that it is incorrect to take wine to a dinner party as the hosts may feel obliged to open your bottle when they'd already planned the wine for the meal, (and your wine might be crap!)

It's super-rude in France, for exactly this reason - it would be like turning up with your own food (unless for a good reason like allergies). In the UK, though, it's generally fine as long as you don't expect the hosts to open it.

@LyndzB

Eating before everyone else gets their food at a restaurant. My family are obsessed with hot food so just start eating. I did too until I went out for a meal with my ex and his family and everyone looked at me in horror as I gobbled down a pizza while they were still waiting 🤷‍♀️

Really, restaurants should try to make sure all the food arrives at more or less the same time, so you are only waiting a couple of minutes at most if it comes in relays. Your food shouldn't have time to get cold while you wait - unless perhaps you are in a really large group of people.

If I'm in the unenviable position of last to be served, I don't expect others to wait for me and will encourage them to start eating if they seem to be holding back.

@Jumpalicious wasn’t too aware of the rules but also place cutlery at 5:20. Plates come in from the left, out from m the right. If needed, the person clearing could secure the cutlery as the plate is lifted

Yes. The room it’s housed in is the bathroom or restroom, depending on geography.

Yes, in a private house it's bathroom; in a public building or office, it's restroom or bathroom. I was on a thread once where a British writer was asking for guidance about language use in the US and Canada for bathrooms/restrooms/washrooms. It was much more complicated than you would think. But all the North Americans agreed that you only say "toilet" for the actual bowl and then only when absolutely necessary. This is especially true in the South where I am from. My grandmother called it a commode; I don't think I ever heard her say the word "toilet."

As for knife and fork etiquette, like many Americans who have lived in the UK, I quickly adopted the British/Continental style of eating, and I still use it for the most part. I notice that more and more Americans are doing this. It's just more efficient, even though it's considered by some Americans as a bit pretentious, as in "see, I've traveled abroad and picked up some foreign habits."

💐 @NeverDropYourMoonCup

Exactly @Arbadacarba I would make a point of asking others to start if things taking ages - rude to make them wait. On the other hand, rude to start without waiting for others/ being invited to start by those still waiting!

@mamakoukla interesting (to me, haha). Are you here in the uk? Seems 5.20 is a European thing too...

I'm literally itching from this thread .

One i haven't seen mentioned, is that if you host a dinner party, the host should be the last to finish his/her meal, so guests don't feel pushed to eat faster. If you have talkative guests, the host should be pushing his last bite round the plate to finish last.

But can you help with the 'How are you' some more? (English is not my native language).

I was taught

'Hello, how are you
I'm fine thanks, how are you
I'm fine thank you'

And then the conversation could finally begin. I've rarely used this irl, but is it really the correct way? Imo you are having half a conversation before even beginning .

[quote mamakoukla]@Jumpalicious wasn’t too aware of the rules but also place cutlery at 5:20. Plates come in from the left, out from m the right. If needed, the person clearing could secure the cutlery as the plate is lifted[/quote]
Guaranteed way to get a knife or fork sliding off to the left, there. If they're together, the waitress can quickly take hold of both and avoid the diner kicking off because they've now got sauce on their lap.

Cutlery in my part of Europe when finished is 4/20 or 5/25.

Never say 'Can I get you another drink.'

It's always 'Can I get you a drink' even if the guest is on the second bottle of Scotch.

Leo Cooper, Jilly's husband, gave me that tip.

@Giantrooster yes, sorry wasn’t doing the clock correctly - 4.20 or 5.25 to be precise! Not 6.30.

@Giantrooster

I'm literally itching from this thread .

One i haven't seen mentioned, is that if you host a dinner party, the host should be the last to finish his/her meal, so guests don't feel pushed to eat faster. If you have talkative guests, the host should be pushing his last bite round the plate to finish last.

But can you help with the 'How are you' some more? (English is not my native language).

I was taught

'Hello, how are you
I'm fine thanks, how are you
I'm fine thank you'

And then the conversation could finally begin. I've rarely used this irl, but is it really the correct way? Imo you are having half a conversation before even beginning .

That would be a perfectly acceptable way to begin a conversation for 99.9% of people in the UK.

The thing to remember, regardless of your wording, is that in a formal situation or when talking to anyone who is an acquaintance rather than a friend, 'How are you?' 'All right?' 'How do you do?' etc. is not an invitation to recount in detail exactly how you're feeling. It's shorthand for 'I'm a civilised person and I want to have a pleasant conversation with you.'

Your bounced back 'how do you do?' or 'I'm very well thank you' is shorthand for 'I'm a civilised person too and I'm delighted to accept your invitation to converse politely.'

Of course, if you are talking informally to a friend or family member, it's fine to answer the question honestly as long as you remember to reciprocate the enquiry.

Please don't apologize @Jumpalicious . But I've seen the 6.30 is the new thing. It might be old but to me it's a misunderstanding and perhaps an americanism... a misunderstood way of trying iyswim. I'm not anal about it though, not in the slightest .

@freakyfridays

French words - dessert, serviette, etc - are pretentious.

cul-de-sac, uniform, kilogram, maisonette, Premiere, menu, salad, omelette, ballet...

What's the non-pretentious way to speak about an omelette?!?

A hangover from What the Normans did for us maybe?

@Jumpalicious mixed household, travelled around, not sure quite when it got drilled into me or by whom. As the person removes the plate, the thumb can gently secure the cutlery. It’s interesting to read about the variations. Won’t judge someone for placing at 5ish, 6ish, knife in fork tines. I think it is useful to gather cutlery together to signal the I’m finished thank you.

Thank you @Arbadacarba that makes sense. It seems a lot to us heathens who just start a conversation with hello (I'm xx) .

@Jumpalicious I think it may have been thanks to the Officers Training Corps at university. I knew to put cutlery together just hadn’t been quite so particular on placement. WC both sides and parents both sticklers for manners (as they knew them) as it quietly sent a message about how you behaved, valued others and expected others to behave with similar courtesy. I guess, putting each other at ease

@Giantrooster

Thank you *@Arbadacarba* that makes sense. It seems a lot to us heathens who just start a conversation with hello (I'm xx) .

I think 'Hello, I'm Giantrooster' would be very acceptable in most situations, especially if accompanied by the offer of a handshake (in non-Covid times!) The person you were greeting might follow up with the 'how are you' routine anyway or in a situation such as a work conference, this might be replaced by a topical substitute such as 'what department do you work in?'

@Dogoodfeelgood

Can we please make smoking while walking something very impolite and frowned upon while we are at it?! That’s MUCH more offensive than eating in my opinion. So horrible getting stuck behind a smoker on the morning commute!

Fuck yes, I hate this so much.