Manners - are there any you didn't know about until you were older?

[CheeseToastieLove]

Is there anything you didn't realise was bad manners until you were an adult. Things you weren't told when you were young? I didn't realise it was good manners to leave your alcohol at a party when you were leaving until I was in my late 20s. Always took my half full bottle home with me! Cringe. My friend was never taught it was bad manners to start eating before everyone's meals had arrived until she was in her 30s. She was always half finished before everyone had been served.

I think some of the things posted aren't seen as bad manners in the UK but in other places. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think that the average British person would see someone eating a sandwich on the street and think they had bad manners. Most of the time I'd think they were rushed for time and not begrudge them eating to spare me having to see them.

It's interesting to compare countries and what's rude and what's not. For example, Japan is usually rated highly for good manners and I understand why. However even they have things that would be considered rude here, like making slurping noises when eating things like noodles or not using tissues and instead snorting it back into your nose.

The offering the salt thing makes sense if you grew up with seven siblings who each brought a friend home for tea. We were taught to ask "can I pass you anything?"

I was taught at school to say pardon. We were told off for "What". Although "Wot" is different.

Now I say "sorry" but I doubt that's really any better. I'm not saying what to anyone though.

I've never been able to figure out rounds and I've definitely taken back unopened bottles that I brought, home with me from parties - in my early 20s! I did feel v when someone commented once and never did it again. Only studenty friends but clearly with better upbringing than me.
I also feel terrible that my parents very rarely made us send thank- you cards for Xmas presents etc when we were small so I never thought about it when I was older - we only have a small family but there is one lovely aunt who used to send presents and probably thought we were ungrateful swine - I'm trying to make up for it now!

I had no idea about the cheese point thing until this thread. Will know for next time! Sounds like a pain in the arse though!

Eating in the street is definitely a British thing, although outdated now. Most of these etiquette things do have some origin in common sense. Eating on the hoof isn't good for you and neither is it likely to be a tidy thing for others to watch.

I agree that good manners are about making your guests feel at ease. My elderly mother and I were once invited to a very posh do with a drinks/"supper" in a castle before the main event.Everyone was standing up chatting and mum was beginning to feel a bit wobbly so she sat on a low armchair which of course put her at waist height to the other guests and out of the conversation. A very handsome chap in black tie and medals appeared at her side, dropped to his knees saying" WHAT a good idea to take weight off for a while. I find standing so tiring." and he remained there chatting away until it was time to leave.By the then he could scarcely stand due to cramp!! That was manners.

@Seainasive

I seriously had no idea you’re not supposed to wear a white dress to a wedding. I wish someone had told me. Its 20 years ago now and I still cringe about that one.

You're not supposed to wear a green dress to a wedding either. Green = jealousy apparently.

Street food is a huge thing in many other countries, not whilst walking along though, at the wee stall where you bought it, often, on plastic stools.
I think the not eating on the street rule is outdated now.

my husbands just reminded me that we used to sing a song (from a nursery song cd) when the children were younger called ‘how do you do’ and the second line was ‘i’m very pleased to meet you’ so I’m guessing that’s the correct response to how do you do.

@Starling85

If you have pate and toast for a starter you don't put the pate all over the toast in one go, you add it as you eat it.

I wish more people knew it was rude to pick your teeth... I have a colleague who has a packet of Walkers crisps every day, and every day she picks her teeth, looks at it, then eats it. Really slowly and deliberately. It's absolutely vile. We hot desk and the thought of her and me sharing a keyboard makes me want to throw up 🤢

I was mortified when a relative got out dental floss at the table but even more so when she did it in a restaurant

Chewing with an open mouth is my greatest bugbear. A friend’s son does this when he comes over; I have told him that in my house the rule is that we eat with our mouths closed. I wish his dad would take the hint…

@NotImpossible

What is considered 'good manners' can vary depending on the company (otherwise people wouldn't ' not realise' until they were older. Personally, for me the height of bad manners is pointing out another adult' s 'lapse' to them. Yes, this has happened to me. It's crap and I've always thought less of the person who does it.

Totally agree!!

I didn't know about double dipping until my 20s either! But, tbf, hummus, salsa etc were not really a thing we had. I find family style serving a pain in the bum so can't see why plate in kitchen or family style would be divided by class/manners.

Agree with PPs regarding what manners are- holding cutlery (so many cultures don't use knives and forks as the British do; so as long as you eat in a non-loud, mouth-full while talking style, you're good), placing cutlery in right position, not eating on street really aren't that important anymore. Also, 'pardon' and 'what' are interchangeable, so who cares how you politely ask someone to repeat themselves as long as you don't ask, "WTF you say?"

To me, the height of bad manners is:

• distinguishing people by race/culture when talking about them in a story that has no bearing on either.
• not greeting someone when they greet you, same with goodbyes.
• using the phrases 'common' or 'working class' as a derogatory term towards people. Tbf same with any class distinction meant to demean
• spitting in Street, smoking when walking, pushing past people, talking incessantly then not listening to someone else in return
• idle gossip
• not thanking host/chef for food

Love this thread!

Another one here who never knew about the cheese thing!
One I know but some of our friends don't seem to so perhaps it's not that common, is seeing guests to the door as they leave. It was standard practice growing up that as any guests were leaving you'd go to the door with them as they were getting their coats on, say goodbyes with the door open then wait until they'd walked down the path before shutting the door. Friends of ours just let everyone let themselves out and I always feel awkward shutting their front door behind me.

if you eat on the street at the seaside you run the risk of losing your food to a seagull, a very real risk!

@AvengingGerbil

I hesitate to say that someone’s manners are incorrect! But polyglot, on introductions you are mistaken. The inferior is introduced to the superior, the man to the woman. This is because (in actual Victorian society), the privilege of acquaintance is something bestowed on the recipient. It was not a privilege to a duke to have the acquaintance of a shopkeeper, but it was for the shopkeeper (for example). Likewise with men/women - women had few powers, but declining to know someone was one of them. The other fundamental aspect of it was that the superior or the lady had the right to reject the acquaintance: hence the standard wording of introductions was ‘may I introduce Smith to you’ - to which the answer could perfectly acceptably be ‘no, thank you’.

Yes - think of how embarrassed Elizabeth, in Pride and Prejudice, was when Mr Collins waltzed up to Mr Darcy (vastly his social superior) and introduced himself.

Apart from being rude to take a half drunk bottle of spirit home from a party, I think it's also mean and embarrassing. What it's worth? £10? Yet the host has had you round for the evening etc. If you are that mean then perhaps
consider buying a half bottle of spirit in the first place. I don't think that looks quite so bad as taking a bottle home with you!

To stop Splashing yourself

@DIshedUp

Honestly society moves on. What was rude 100 years ago isn't necessarily rude now

Manners are about making others feel comfortable, things that are unpleasant for others like double dipping or not holding doors fine.

But honestly I'm not going to do things that are pointless to indicate class, if I want to hold my cutlery a certain way I will. If I want to spoon soup towards me I will, or if I prefer buttering my whole roll. Lifes too short to limit your enjoyment for some performance of class

I agree with a PP about the what thing, I cannot stand someone saying what to me. To me its abrasive and halts the flow of conversation. Pardon is a nicer word, why should we teach our children to say what? I am not upper class, my children will not be upper class, and there's nothing wrong with that. Let's begin the process of eradicating class by teaching all our children the much more gentle and widely recognised pardon. Surely the whole upper class saying what is because they don't need to be polite to others because their already at the top?

I also do not want loads of random half drunk bottles of other peoples alcohol. The clean up after a party is bad enough without dealing with opened bottles of alcohol. Take it home please. If I've invited you to my party I like you, you are my friend and I most definitely would not start gossiping about how rude you are with others. That would make me a dick

Yes, totally agree with all you have said.

@Shinesun14

I never knew you are supposed to say "you're welcome" after someone says thank you until my late 20s. It was a revelation at the time for me.

I think that's an an Americanism that wasn't common here until 1990s? I remember being surprised to hear it all the time when I went to Florida in 1987

OMG OldRaver
Your colleague is disgusting.
I actually heaved at the description, who does that?

I thought the response to "How do you do?" was "How do you do?" although it's a very long time indeed since I've heard anyone say it.

Yes I think "you're welcome" is an Americanism.

I was taught to say "it's my/our pleasure" which used to be abbreviated to "pleasure" with a brief tip of his hat" by my father anyway.

@NewMatress that's interesting. I have wondered why my dm never taught me that. I do like it, it gives you something to say back when some says thanks.

@IHaveBrilloHair

OMG OldRaver Your colleague is disgusting. I actually heaved at the description, who does that?

I still hear it but it is usually from the older generation, 70s up or so.

In formal work circles it has been replaced (where I am anyway) with "how are you?" to which people reply "very well thank you and you?"