My adult daughter told me last night she is non binary . No idea what this means

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Looking it up and based on what she says it seems she identifies as agender sometimes and a woman at other. No desire to transgender.

Main thing was she wanted us to call her by a name she has been calling herself outside the house for several years. Which happens to be very much a girls name although she “feels” it isn’t. We don’t want to call her this name it is alien to us. . This name is not a derivative of her given name which we could call her.
A bit of background
In her mid teans she told us she was gay . We said “fine , no problem” I even sought out a gay teenage group for her. She left after a while and then preceded to have several boyfriends , fancy others and stood up a couple of proposed girlfriend first dates ( went off with other mates on one and didn’t turn up for the other - cold feet on the way) I really don’t think judging by her actions she is neither gay or bisexual.as she maintained.

In the past we just haven’t really commented , continued to say we don’t mind what she is and we really don’t. We have many gay and straight friends , it really isn’t an issue for us.

She is ASD and I mention this because she does seem emotionally immature despite being an adult in her mid twenties. Also I have read probably here on mumsnet people with asd are more likely to question their gender.

This all seems to boil down to wanting us to call her by another girls name.

And that brings things to a head.

I have looked up agender and non binary and none of the descriptions seem to apply to her .

Any advice welcome

Call her by the name she has chosen. Listen to her and just support her. Its not about you.

Why does it matter to you?

Apart from her wanting you to refer to her as a different name (which as an adult she is more than within her rights to do), how she perceives her gender/sexuality is her own prerogative. It isn't harming her, you or anyone else.

Let her live her life as she wishes. If this is the way you interfere with your adult daughter, then I am not surprised she maybe be emotionally immature. You are not trusting her to develop her own identity.

So really, she's just changed her name and wants you to accept that and use it? I can understand how you feel, as you gave her her name. But, as you've done before, I guess it's important to her that you accept who she is.

We have a family member, who sounds very similar. She's a couple of years younger than yours, but I strongly suspect she's ASD. I do think that's relevant, as they're much more likely to feel different, like they don't fit normal stereotypes. She's been all sorts of things, but I think is currently saying she's gender fluid and bisexual. Whilst she was saying she was a boy, she also changed her name, to something that sounded female to me! The family have tried hard to use this name and her preferred pronouns (masculine), but it's all very confusing as she continues to dress as a girl.

I don't really have any advice, except to continue being accepting and loving, as you have done.

Sigh, I can see why you'd dislike the name change. It seems like a rejection of what you named her for 20 odd years, but as an adult she could've deed polled and changed it anyway. Just see it as she's chosen a new name and try to call her it.

Ignore everything else for now as she's clearly experimenting. Just reiterate you accept her.

Why can't you call her by the name she has chosen? I can't see the problem. If one of my adult children came to me and said they'd chosen a different name, I'd just use it.
Everything else is experimentation and you seem accepting of that, so I really can't understand why you wouldn't use the name she wants...

@corianderbee She doesn’t seem to want to change her name by deed poll, although I fully accept she could.
Her given name isn’t weird but was less popular when she was younger - I suspect more popular now.

@crazycrofter we of course will continue being accepting and loving but the name change is a line in the sand for both husband and I . And seems an ultimatum from her.

Just call her the name she has asked you to, an assessment of all her relationships through her teenage years is not relevant. She has asked you to so something which would make her feel happier, it’s a change she has already adopted in all other areas of her life for the past few years. She is inviting you to be part of that, if you reject her on this name change which does you no harm, you are likely to lose an important part of your relationship with her because of your inflexibility.

OP "This all seems to boil down to wanting us to call her by another girls name."

I really hate my name and plan to change when my olds are gone. I'd have done it now but they were so pissed off. So half the people in my life call me by my real name and the half that know my olds are using my name they gave me.

It's a simple courtesy to call her by her chosen name.

You gave her her childhood name, but you have no ownership over her name now.

If someone called you by a name you didn't like/feel represented you repeatedly, you would be upset that they didn't respect you enough to take their feelings into consideration.

You are within your rights to grieve the name lost, but you are completely unreasonable to carry on disregarding your daughters wishes in regards to her new name. Be careful you don't push her away.

If my DD wanted me to suddenly call her a different name I would be equally confused/upset.

I can see exactly why the OP is asking the questions she is asking.

What is the point of a line in the sand over something so harmless, she isn’t your property, are you prepared to jeopardize your relationship with her because of this.
Well, I suppose if she stops contacting you then you won’t get to call her any name at.
I think you are foolish.

Just say that’s nice dear, and start calling her the name she has asked you to. She will find her own way , she is not a child let her get on with her own lifestyle decisions!!

Yes the OP isn’t really confused her daughter adopted this name a few years ago with everyone else in the outside world so it’s hardly new information. She just doesn’t want to do it.
Also it’s another female name it doesn’t require a radical rethink.

She doesn't have to change her name by deed poll - she can just tell everyone that is now her name. She could also choose to do that whether or not she identifies as non binary or anything else.

I imagine it is hurtful to be feeling she has rejected the name you chose for her, but I don't think you're going to get much choice, as she's an adult. So then it comes down to what sort of ultimatum has she made? If she says she will no longer be in contact if you insist on using her original name, I would move my line in the sand so I could still see her, but I am not you.

The name she has asked us to call her is very unusual - ranking in the 2-3000 baby lists . I can understand why someone would want to change their name from a more unusual name to a less unusual one ( there is a thread about this currently on AIBU ) but this is the other way round.

Not to drip feed but we have had real concerns and worries about her also photoshopping her appearance on Facebook to the extent that she is nearly unrecognisable. This worries me because she is doing it for “likes” but knows that it is not her . She is seeking validation for something that isn’t her. I don’t think this is good for her mental health.

Also to clarify, she lives with us out of choice.

She is who she wants to be now, that might not be who she wants to be later.. but it’s not for anyone but her to decide that. Support her, don’t question her.

I can imagine it’s hard to actually remember to call someone by a completely different name, and you’ll likely start by finding you’ll call her by her given name until your used to saying her chosen name. You should discuss this with her and make sure she’s aware that sometimes in the beginning you might automatically say her given name and not to take offence, just always try and correct yourself if you do say it too.

Just call her the name she has chosen. What's more important, your daughter or the name you choose for her?

She is trying to find her way in a pretty mixed up world. As you probably know, ASD young people struggle to feel proper connections with others in society. Messing around with photoshop and trying to work out who she is gender wise is her struggling to find her feet. Call her by her chosen name, if it gives her some sort of footing, some sort of security and some sort of happiness in the messed up world we now live in, then it is worth it. Save your battles for bigger things.

You’re overly controlling and you need to accept that she is an adult now. That she lives with you doesn’t mean you get to treat her like a child.

Just say “that’s nice dear” and use the name she wants. She is experimenting and giving you pushback and you’re feeding it.

I really don’t want to push her away but find the idea of calling her a new name impossible right now and as for my husband it was a flat no from him.

We both equate the labels, the photoshopping and name change stemming from the same issue.

I understand that the Facebook photoshopping is showing an evolution that you don’t like or is making you uncomfortable that she is insecure about who she is. If she is living with you, you can keep her grounded and supported as much as possible. She is not asking you for thousands of pounds to support radical facial surgery she is asking you to respect a name change she has made.

@Lovinglifeand

Messing around with photoshop and trying to work out who she is gender wise is her struggling to find her feet. Call her by her chosen name, if it gives her some sort of footing, some sort of security and some sort of happiness in the messed up world we now live in, then it is worth it

Trouble is I think the new name is her struggling to find her feet not giving her a footing otherwise I think she would have looked into deed polling more seriously. Whilst she has chosen this name for a number of years , it seems in her mind to be as fluid as her gender otherwise she would make a more permanent change.

And is using it reinforces that struggling

I usually roll my eyes at stuff like this, but it sounds like she is struggling to fit in somewhere and just wants your support. She is an adult and if she wishes to create a new persona that's up to her. It may be difficult for you to understand, but rejecting this will only push her away.

Maybe you could sit her down and say that you and your husband will make every effort to call her by her new chosen name, but that occasionally you may slip up and use her old name, as mistakes happen, and this doesn't mean you are rejecting her choices. And that you love and support her no matter what.

The photoshopping thing is worrying, but to be honest I'd say many people filter/ alter photos online.