My adult daughter told me last night she is non binary . No idea what this means

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

Looking it up and based on what she says it seems she identifies as agender sometimes and a woman at other. No desire to transgender.

Main thing was she wanted us to call her by a name she has been calling herself outside the house for several years. Which happens to be very much a girls name although she “feels” it isn’t. We don’t want to call her this name it is alien to us. . This name is not a derivative of her given name which we could call her.
A bit of background
In her mid teans she told us she was gay . We said “fine , no problem” I even sought out a gay teenage group for her. She left after a while and then preceded to have several boyfriends , fancy others and stood up a couple of proposed girlfriend first dates ( went off with other mates on one and didn’t turn up for the other - cold feet on the way) I really don’t think judging by her actions she is neither gay or bisexual.as she maintained.

In the past we just haven’t really commented , continued to say we don’t mind what she is and we really don’t. We have many gay and straight friends , it really isn’t an issue for us.

She is ASD and I mention this because she does seem emotionally immature despite being an adult in her mid twenties. Also I have read probably here on mumsnet people with asd are more likely to question their gender.

This all seems to boil down to wanting us to call her by another girls name.

And that brings things to a head.

I have looked up agender and non binary and none of the descriptions seem to apply to her .

Any advice welcome

Us using it that should say.

I understand how you feel OP.
I'd probably just end up calling her darling or sweetie and not feed into it all

Maybe some understanding from both sides is what is needed here. You need to understand what is going on for her buy equally she has to understand that this is difficult for you both. I know I'll be flamed for this but its a bit unreasonable to just rock up one day and expect your parents to forget the name they've known you by since maybe even before you are born and start using a new one. Just try and tell her that it's going to be difficult for you right now but that you would like her to show you the same understanding that she wants from you and that maybe a middle ground can be found while everyone adjusts. Maybe even set a time period for that adjustment period .

Discombobulating for sure but try to under react.

I would give the new name a go tbh.

Op I think you have it the wrong way round. I think by forcing her the retain the name you gave her you believe it will anchor her what you feel is her ‘real’ identity. The fact of it is that she no longer identifies with that name, she is changing. I think you can give solid support and love but I think try to force her into a mould that she feels no longer fits her, will cause her to become alienated from you.

I hear you. And I'd be not calling her anything going forward, as far as possible. 'Love' or 'sweetheart' would do for now.

I'd also not get into any discussions about any of it, bar saying you accept her and support as far as you can.

@Lollyneenah

I understand how you feel OP. I'd probably just end up calling her darling or sweetie and not feed into it all

Exactly what I would do. Great idea Lolly

All these folk who are blithely saying just call her by her new name I really don’t think realise how difficult this actually is .
A friend maybe , but their own daughter?

Why would her new name be the hill you want to die on OP?

I agree with calling her sweetheart or whatever you would normally say. If you avoid using any name at all in her presence then surely that's OK with her?

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

All these folk who are blithely saying just call her by her new name I really don’t think realise how difficult this actually is . A friend maybe , but their own daughter?

Why are you so precious about her name?

Could be worse. My adult dd told me that I'm non-binary! Because inside, spiritually, I'm not male or female, I'm a person or spirit. But outside, physically, I am most definitely a woman. Heterosexual, large gametes etc. This 'gender' stuff doesn't work for me. I'm also autistic and whilst many ASC (it's a condition, not a disorder) people are caught up in the gender whirlpool, it's by no means guaranteed that they will be. And surely to fuck, I am not 'emotionally immature' and I'm suspicious of anyone who says that about ASC people. We are straightforward and honest. If the rest of you are deceitful, tricky bastards that's not because we are 'immature'.

Now, your dd. All you can do is stand back and offer love. Use the requested name. Whoever this person is, you are her only parents and she will always need your unconditional positive regard. Fake it till you make it. It comes with the job.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

All these folk who are blithely saying just call her by her new name I really don’t think realise how difficult this actually is . A friend maybe , but their own daughter?

My husband and I absolutely love our son's name, but if he decided he didn't want to use it and asked us to call him something else it wouldn't even cross my mind to refuse. His life, his choice - it's not harming anyone.

I can see from your posts that you are open minded, accepting of differences/choices and your concern is clearly coming from a place of love. But, even if she is struggling with her name and other things, I would still call her what she asks to be called. There is no need to make a huge family announcement to all relatives and friends, just simply call her what she wishes to be called in her company. Fundamentally, it comes down to respect. Out of respect to your daughter, call her whatever she wants to be called. Even if she changes her name six times, just go with it. Calling herself non-binary is going to give her some huge battles with militant thinkers in society. She really doesn't need to be battling with her parents as well.

@giletrouge

Her whole life outside the home is a show : projecting a different persona with extensive make up art, with extensive photoshopping , a different name, the different sexual orientation or gender. . She was always excellent at drama and I think that was being able to adopt a character helped.

Then when she comes home , the makeup is removed ( her choice) comfortable trousers go on and she responds to her real name. She says she feels safe and secure at home.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting it’s not a big adjustment. However when you balance it against the fact your daughter has been using that name outside the house for the last few years and it’s has the name she wants to be called it’s not an unreasonable request for her to make. This is not a temporary whim if she has been using the name for the last few years. Did you not think it was going to come up?
It’s clear the idea of using the new name makes you very uncomfortable and your husband deeply uncomfortable and it’s easier to try and minimise your daughters choices in the hope that she drops all these desires to change. It might work but she is very much an adult and it seems like she has spent quite a lot of time getting to this point.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney but she's now asking you to call her something different. I don't get why it's such a big deal. I've known loads of people change their names for various reasons and while I might roll my eyes I would never think of trying to stop them by not using their preferred name. I really don't understand why, with all you describe, it's THIS that you want to dig in over. Seems bonkers to me.

I understand exactly how you feel. Maybe tell her you’ve changed your name and no longer want to be called Mum and see how often she forgets!!

Just try to use the name, if you feel it’s a phase then it will pass and either way she will feel supported. I would just say to her you’ll try to use it but you’re likely to slip up after calling her by her other name her whole life

Please learn from my mistakes. I can never undo the hurt that I caused my child by my attitudes. It has driven a wedge between us that may never be repaired. Just call her whatever she wants to be called. Being justified or right or whatever is very little consolation when your child doesn't speak to you any more.

I renamed myself as a child -- the sharp part is I was named after my mother. But she had battled to be called the full name (think Margaret not Peggy). So she got it. Didn't oppose the name change.

If this is attention seeking from OP's DD, and I agree it could be, I wonder if there are ways OP could pay the girl lots of positive attention that have nothing to do with gender identity or sex preference. Give her positive strokes for things you do enjoy about her & let her muddle thru the rest by a separate process.

Don't fuss about the name. From what OP said, the DD will never get it legally changed anyway.

Also I think when parents choose a name for a baby it can take months and they are highly invested in that name. The child just gets given that name with no investment in it and no choice.Finding a name that seems a better fit isn’t a rejection of you, it just your daughter rethinking a choice that affects her personally that she never played a part in making.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

All these folk who are blithely saying just call her by her new name I really don’t think realise how difficult this actually is . A friend maybe , but their own daughter?

I actually know how difficult this is because my teenage DD has also changed her name.

I accepted it immediately, and we all try to remember to call her by her new name. It is difficult to remember, but gets easier the more you do it time.

I had no problem with her changing her name, because she is her own person and is allowed to make her own decisions about her name, identity, appearance, sexuality and anything else that is important for her own self identity. She is her own person, and I accept her, I allow her to make mistakes and change her mind and don't seek to control who she is. And all this is completely irrelevant to my relationship with her anyway.