Solicitors put DH name first.

[Tullyjune]

We are buying a house. I’ve done all the conveyancing quotes in my name, I’m the only one that’s communicated with them from my personal email. I paid the deposit with my bank card.

Yet the paperwork has all come through with DHs name first. It’s not even alphabetical.

I know it’s not the end of the world and most people wouldn’t give it a second thought. But it’s pissed me off.

Just getting it off my chest.

Women weren’t allowed to open a bank account without permission from their husband or a male relative until 1974.

Less than 50 years ago.

Our mothers and grandmothers had limited to no autonomy over financial matters.

That’s why it matters.

@BestIsWest

Yes, I challenged it. To no avail. Closed the account though.

That's appalling.

And yet still we have so many women claiming that people are just making a fuss about nothing.

I want Prof Sam Davies and Dr Jo Evans (made up people) to buy a house now, just to see what happens.

It does happen I haven’t paid enough attention to remember how it’s been dealt with by the team that open the files.

Really couldn't get worked up about it

Not happy to essentially be pigeonholed as sexist on the basis of my filing when that doesn’t align with my values and beliefs.

I didn't call you sexist. I said a filing system which defaults to men regardless of who is leading on the issue is sexist. It doesn't matter if it's intentional or just something you've always done - it is still sexist and should be challenged.

I want Prof Sam Davies and Dr Jo Evans (made up people) to buy a house now, just to see what happen

I got my doctorate before my DH and I have had letters addressed to Dr DH's name and Mrs my name.

Now we're both DRs it tends to be alphabetical but occasionally he's gets Dr and I don't.
I have also been told using Dr is pretentious and unnecessary. Nobody has ever said that to DH.

It's not about taking your husband's name and the convention that correspondence is written "mr and mrs" it's the fact that I can do all the phone calls, organisation, correspondence etc and the company will defer to my husband and email him documents to be signed first...

I cant believe folk get het up about this nonsense
Letters are usually mr and mrs so and so .how many have we ever had mrs and mr
It even sounds daft .just because he is first on letter it does not mean he is more important in your relationship only you know that one .its just how it's done so what's the problem really .

On letters regarding voting my DS has his name before mine.. bloody cheek

I have also been told using Dr is pretentious and unnecessary. Nobody has ever said that to DH

Oh yes women are told this all the time. Apparently women are only allowed to use professional titles at work , otherwise they are showing off.

I will be interested to see how the utility companies cope when DD is Dr J Smith and I am Ms A Jones . Presumably they will move her name to be first as Dr J Jones must be male .

@aprilanne

I cant believe folk get het up about this nonsense Letters are usually mr and mrs so and so .how many have we ever had mrs and mr It even sounds daft .just because he is first on letter it does not mean he is more important in your relationship only you know that one .its just how it's done so what's the problem really .

But they do this to MF couples where NEITHER is Mr or Mrs.

And they don’t do it to FF or MM couples.

So that’s the problem.

And they don’t do it to FF or MM couples.

Because presumably they have the same titles? So they fact they don’t do it is less to do with patriarchy and more circumstance - they just can’t, rather than it being a conscious decision not to? I’m not sure how that is relevant unless you’re suggesting that with MM or FF couples they default to the main point of contact - which you have no idea if that’s actually the case.

Just contact them & emphatically tell them that YOU are the contact & change their records please. It isn't a life or death thing. Yes, perhaps it is that old traditionalist attitude that hasn't been eradicated or perhaps it is filing (it is where I work...if two names, filed under one so ppl don't need to inefficiently look under both to locate). But nicely make your point & don't go all ranting & enraged about it. There is a time & place for the rage if you want to let rip, much greater injustices out there that are more worthy...

I'm reassured to say that I can only recall encountering this once, many years ago. I bought a place by myself, used a firm of solicitors for conveyancing, and a year later sold it at a profit (ah, the nineties!) to buy a place with my male partner. We used the same solicitors as before.

On the day my sale completed the conveyancer acting for me, a woman in her sixties, called my male partner to confirm the sale had completed. I happened to answer his mobile and pointed out that had she given him that information rather than me, she would have been in breach of the Data Protection Act, not a good look for a legal firm. We never used them again. Pure sexism to call him.

Since then, I can't recall having encountered sexist attitudes to house buying and selling, car purchase and maintenance or even dealing with builders, gardeners and so on. It is always me doing the research, making the contact, liaising throughout and quite often paying the bill as well. I would definitely flag it up where it was relevant though. It's the only way to bring about change.

Maybe because I took my husband's name I am a "fan of convention", or maybe the march of feminism is actually getting somewhere.

I wonder when was the last that a man was told he was 'being silly' for objecting to his correspondence being addressed to his partner?

@aprilanne

I cant believe folk get het up about this nonsense Letters are usually mr and mrs so and so .how many have we ever had mrs and mr It even sounds daft .just because he is first on letter it does not mean he is more important in your relationship only you know that one .its just how it's done so what's the problem really .

It stems directly from times where “just what was done” included women being property, having no legal rights, when marital rape was legal, when women could literally be sold like cattle to their husbands. Where they had no voice, no vote, no say in their own lives.

Does that really sound like something the mechanics of modern life should be perpetuating in these seemingly insignificant interactions (about significant things)?

@aprilanne

I cant believe folk get het up about this nonsense Letters are usually mr and mrs so and so .how many have we ever had mrs and mr It even sounds daft .just because he is first on letter it does not mean he is more important in your relationship only you know that one .its just how it's done so what's the problem really .

I have stated several times that in this case it’s NOT “Mr and Mrs Richard and Anna June”

It’s “Richard June and Anna June” So it’s not because of the Mr and Mrs convention. It’s purposely putting the penis haver first despite all the correspondence and payment being 100% from me.

To be fair I think they have assumed you are a married couple on the basis of your shared surname and buying a house together. So whether you think it is or not it seems likely it’s an extension of the “Mr and Mrs” convention, which at the heart of it is just putting the man first.

We were told when I worked for bank donkey's years ago to put the male first, so it's probably a hangover from that but still, if I'm the one instructing, I deserve respect.

I can see why some people would think this is petty but if we don’t call these things out it will never change. If the OP was single then her name would be “first” would it not? So why add the man’s name first when there’s a man in the mix? Especially when the OP has done majority of work!

Similar thing happened to me. We are still dealing with the company. Dh only gets all financial statements (which he still can't figure out to download, so I do it). Each signature set up, his name first. Just had one yesterday. Also I'm down as Ms. I've taken his (not that common) last name - do they think we're siblings?

Man first on the moon? Man first for centuries to come...

Also I'm down as Ms.

The whole purpose of Ms is to eradicate the need for Miss and Mrs which is seen to be patriarchal. So surely that’s a good thing in the context of this discussion?

And the other way, still sexist:
I can’t answer my phone at work. Husband works from home. We filled in the school forms and put him as first contact. Guess who they call when child throws up/ bangs head? Yep, me.

I noticed this as well recently, I am the only person who has had contact with the solicitor, I hired them and paid them, yet when we received the property information form etc, my husband was listed as “seller 1” and with his name first on the communications 🙄

@DinoHat

I want Prof Sam Davies and Dr Jo Evans (made up people) to buy a house now, just to see what happens.

It does happen I haven’t paid enough attention to remember how it’s been dealt with by the team that open the files.

Possibly the same as when it’s two women or two men?