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Original poster

Solicitors put DH name first.

452 replies

Tullyjune · 07/05/2021 18:26

We are buying a house. I’ve done all the conveyancing quotes in my name, I’m the only one that’s communicated with them from my personal email. I paid the deposit with my bank card.

Yet the paperwork has all come through with DHs name first. It’s not even alphabetical.

I know it’s not the end of the world and most people wouldn’t give it a second thought. But it’s pissed me off.

Just getting it off my chest.

OP posts:
DelBocaVista · 08/05/2021 10:22

Only seems to be an issue with one male and one female name. Gosh I wonder why that is.....

Well according to some posters it's due to a really efficient filing system!! Not sexism at all!

purplebagladylovesgin · 08/05/2021 10:24

I remember looking at houses to buy with some money that had come my way via inheritance.

My then boyfriend accompanied me to some of the viewings and the agents would always turn to him to ask questions. He'd look blank and point them in my direction.

I'd booked the appointment, I was the one buying. Why do they still do this?!

PaulaTrilloe · 08/05/2021 10:24

Yes happened to me. Mortgage was given on the basis of my credit rating (DP forrin) & when I challenged the mortgage company as I had been dealing with it all. The male mortgage contact had a hissy fit about it and wrote an unapologetic letter addressed to my DP about it, doubling down by complaining I had mistakenly "taken offence". My surname is earlier in the alphabet too!

Waitwhat23 · 08/05/2021 10:24

'Couldn't agree more. Makes us look weak and petty.'

When I get cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname Surname, people argue that its 'just a convention/traditional - what's the big deal?'

The problem is that it's a throw back to when women were considered the property of their husband and not legally a person in their own right. Within living memory, women were not allowed their own bank accounts/checkbooks or to take out a mortgage. Addressing correspondence with the man's name automatically first makes the historical, deeply sexist assumption that the 'little lady' can't possibly get her head around such complicated, manly business as money or contracts.

It's sexist and should be called out.

17bluebirds · 08/05/2021 10:29

I work in a nursery. When I started there, the registration forms asked for child's name and address, mums name, e mail and phone number, and dad's work address and work phone number!
No way of adding dads to e mail listing, or establishing if the child lived with both parents or only one of them.
I changed the form pretty sharpish!

(However, it also asked for both parents occupation, which I didnt understand why we needed that. Roll on a few years and it was great for working out which children needed key worker places during the first lockdown!)

DinoHat · 08/05/2021 10:30

@DelBocaVista

Only seems to be an issue with one male and one female name. Gosh I wonder why that is.....

Well according to some posters it's due to a really efficient filing system!! Not sexism at all!

Just an FYI Del, you can be a perfect feminist and an arrogant arsehole all at once.

You’ve attempted to discredit me, and been pretty rude to me a number of times even when I’ve yielded or atleast acknowledged your POV.

There are ways and means to have a discussion, which is what I presume OP intended to have.

DelBocaVista · 08/05/2021 10:31

I also get this at work. I've worked at my university for over 10 years, I'm a course leader and the named project lead for external projects. Last summer i recruited a new member of staff. He's older than me and male.
Suddenly, I've found that some people default to him when asking questions or if they need information - they assume he's now in charge when in fact I recruited him as a part time lecturer!

DelBocaVista · 08/05/2021 10:34

Just an FYI Del, you can be a perfect feminist and an arrogant arsehole all at once.

You’ve attempted to discredit me, and been pretty rude to me a number of times even when I’ve yielded or atleast acknowledged your POV.

There are ways and means to have a discussion, which is what I presume OP intended to have.

I apologise. I'm not intending to sound like a dick. I'm just very passionate about this topic and get very frustrated when people minimise the issue of everyday sexism or deny it even exists.

I've dedicated my career to this issue and can get carried away. It just really matters to me.

butterpuffed · 08/05/2021 10:36

@DelBocaVista

Couldn't agree more. Makes us look weak and petty.

God forbid we challenge everyday sexism.
I mean, how do we decide when it does become an issue? Shall we just not bother at all?

Catcalls are just compliments yeah?

Schools always phoning mum is because of course she's a better parent and her job isn't as important isn't a problem is or?

The electricity company only putting my ex-h name on the account even though I paid for it isn't a problem until he leaves and I need to change the account name but they won't let me without his permission

Let's not challenge these because we look weak and petty??? Bizarre

So, you think it's wrong to put DH's name first when Op has dealt with everything but when schools ring mums rather than dads when mums nearly always deal with school issues, you think that's wrong too.

Bizarre.

PaulaTrilloe · 08/05/2021 10:36

Perhaps it would be better if the service provider asks the clients who should be the lead/principal contact?

(Male) DP is the one specifying the new kitchen design. John Lewis kitchen designer had no problems with that!

DelBocaVista · 08/05/2021 10:39

So, you think it's wrong to put DH's name first when Op has dealt with everything but when schools ring mums rather than dads when mums nearly always deal with school issues, you think that's wrong too.

I think assuming mums always deal with school issues is wrong.
We put DHs details first because he has more flexibility than me. Yet they always ring me first and didn't even add him to the email list.

Freddiefox · 08/05/2021 10:41

@emilyfrost

You’re being silly. It doesn’t matter.

Complaining about something like this puts women in a bad light; you’re doing us a disservice by embarrassing us over small non-issues.

You don’t speak for me.

Complain all the way. The small things matter

SelkieFly · 08/05/2021 10:41

Im not a solicitor but @DinoHat you are being a bit obtuse. This has to be more than justvq filing issue. If you diminish it to just that then people are going to challeng you.

SoddingWeddings · 08/05/2021 10:41

I'm currently raging with the vet. I took my elderly moggy in for some concerns this week. She's been my cat since years before DH and I got together. Only I have ever taken her to the vet.

The vet and nurses met me with her, i dropper her off, they confirmed my phone number, I paid for the appointment, treatment and tests. I'm the primary name on the account for all our animals because he's in the military and not often able to do vet trips, is often not here to do routine flea and worm treatments (text reminders).

They phoned him to say she could be picked up after her tests.
They phoned him with the blood results and to discuss the next stage of the treatment plan and agree further tests.
They phoned him to discuss her dietary needs (renal issues).

I've realised just how furious I am and will be contacting them on Monday. I'm happy for DH to be involved in this of course, but she's MY cat, even if she does like him.

twoofusburningmatches · 08/05/2021 10:47

Oh god, this is bane of my life. I do all the mortgage stuff etc here. But all documents come addressed to my husband first. And every time we renew, if there are any questions they contact my husband by phone or email rather than me - and he usually ignores because I deal with this stuff, so he optimistically thinks banks and mortgage brokers aren’t sexist. So I end up running around in circles trying to figure what is happening. I’ve brought it up and told various banks and mortgage brokers that it is ridiculous- but they don’t seem to be able to compute that a woman is in charge of the financial stuff rather than the man.

user1487194234 · 08/05/2021 10:49

I put the main contact

andivfmakes3 · 08/05/2021 10:51

Happens to me all the time and to be honest ive started pulling companies up on it - I'm the main earner and arrange/organise all our family admin and yet mortgage statements are addressed to DH first or if we change mortgage deals like we did recently

Any home repair companies that refuse to quote unless my husband is home with me also get short thrift

user1487194234 · 08/05/2021 10:53

The school thing hacks me off
When mine were little my DH and I worked together and if he answered the phone they would ask to speak to me

Wafflewombat · 08/05/2021 10:56

I instructed estate agent/solicitors for a Scottish property, did every contact, etc. Was passed to the solicitor for conveyancing & the sexist barsteward emailed my DH to ask for paperwork.

It's very patriarchal.

I complained & he didn't have the good grace to even acknowledge the issue.

It puts me in a difficult position, I might use them again as the estate agency was excellent but it pissed me off so much.

Still apoplectic about it, 3 years later.

BestIsWest · 08/05/2021 10:57

It does and can matter.

Years ago I opened an Abbey National account in my name with money inherited from my family. I added DH and made it a joint account. They put his name first.

When Abbey Nat demutualised and issued shares to members, only the first named person on the account got the shares - in other words DH.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 08/05/2021 10:58

I really couldn't be bothered to get wound up about this.

paralysedbyinertia · 08/05/2021 11:00

@BestIsWest

It does and can matter.

Years ago I opened an Abbey National account in my name with money inherited from my family. I added DH and made it a joint account. They put his name first.

When Abbey Nat demutualised and issued shares to members, only the first named person on the account got the shares - in other words DH.

That's outrageous. I hope you challenged it?
BestIsWest · 08/05/2021 11:05

Yes, I challenged it. To no avail. Closed the account though.

DinoHat · 08/05/2021 11:07

@SelkieFly

Im not a solicitor but *@DinoHat* you are being a bit obtuse. This has to be more than justvq filing issue. If you diminish it to just that then people are going to challeng you.
Happy to be challenged, happy to be held to account and open to new ways of working. Not happy to essentially be pigeonholed as sexist on the basis of my filing when that doesn’t align with my values and beliefs.
EastWestWhosBest · 08/05/2021 11:07

As Cait said it’s convention. It’s ironic how women are still happy to take a mans surname yet complain when it’s used appropriately! I couldn’t give two hoots if I receive a letter to Mr and Mrs Dinohat. It just doesn’t excite me like it obviously does you.

I took DHs name because we got married a long time ago. If I were getting married today I would keep my name. In fact we are thinking of changing to my maiden name on our anniversary.

Anyway, getting correspondence addressed to Mr and Mrs doesn’t bother me.
Looking at the form that I have filled out saying buyer one - Mrs Best and deciding that I must have got it wrong and changing it to buyer two Mrs Best because the penis owner must come first pisses me off.

I want Prof Sam Davies and Dr Jo Evans (made up people) to buy a house now, just to see what happens.