Should I ask MIL for daughters money?

[letmeeatcakes]

When my daughter was born my MIL set up a savings account for her. My daughter’s have never received birthday/Christmas cards or pressies from their grandmother I’ve just assumed she’s put money into the account. My daughter has turned 18 and I would like her to know about this account. My MIL and I have never got along and don’t have a respectful relationship. She is now in her 90’s and recovering from surgery. Partner as usual is sticking his head in the sand and won’t address this with his Mother. My daughter is also now required to file a tax return form and give information on all savings and investments (we live in Europe) so she really should have this information. What should I do to sort this matter out bearing in mind we are not on communication terms. I also have a second daughter just turned 16 and need to know whether a similar account was opened for her.

@flashylamp

Everyone is responding from a very UK-centric perspective even when we know this is in another country, which has different laws!

Actually, OP said they are in Europe. The UK is in Europe.

Did you read the law in France?!

I searched and I found the original letters from MIL! There were two building society accounts set up for each daughter in their names but MIL’s address. I was asked to sign the forms and send birth certificates at the time for the accounts to be set up so they must exist.
Yes we live outside of the UK and when you turn 18 all financial information has to be declared on a tax return form sent to you. I am aware of hefty fines as a PP stated if you do not declare all information and ‘ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law’.
I am most definitely not ‘needy or entitled’ and find this situation extremely uncomfortable and happy to continue supporting dd’s and yes she does have a part-time job whilst continuing her education.
My DD’s have a polite and respectful albeit very distant relationship with their grandmother and have no knowledge of these accounts.
Having had all of their special occasions ignored and IF a small amount was put into their account instead then it would be nice and appropriate timing for DD’s to be made aware, as well as to be able to Thank grandma.
Hopefully that explains the dilemma. Thank you for the understanding and supportive comments and information. There are lovely grannies out there x

I think this is definitely an issue for your DP to deal with and speak to his mother about. But at a suitable time, maybe not while she's recovering from surgery.

I wouldn't assume that she's put any money in there if you don't have contact, but I can understand why you'd wonder, since the accounts were set up.

This is 100% your DH's responsibility to ask her about it. Don't take on this "wife work".

On France (as a tax example) you should have been declaring this money in your household tax return for all her life. It's the global revenue of the household. I have paid 30% tax on the dividends my kids receive since 2014 when that law came in.

I think legally she needs to know. The fines can be bloody enormous.

Definitely ask, OP. Nothing to lose!

My DD’s have a polite and respectful albeit very distant relationship with their grandmother and have no knowledge of these accounts

If your partner is too much of a wet lettuce to talk to his mother about this and you DDs have that relationship then can they ask? Otherwise does your jurisdiction tax form have a space to identify trustees of accounts which have not been made available to the beneficiary? I know this exists in some countries, just not sure about yours.

I think this is definitely an issue for your DP to deal with and speak to his mother about. But at a suitable time, maybe not while she's recovering from surgery.

it depends when the tax form is due. If its due beforehand then DD needs the information. The DGM has had 18 yrs to get this in order and presumably fills in her own tax forms.

Ime grandmothers like to shout about their generosity from the rooftops, even if that is a postal order for £5. So although accounts were set up initially, I'd be dubious as to whether they contained substantial sums.

I have a similar situation. No bday/Xmas gifts etc told there was 'an account' in our case they are early 70s, v healthy. DH asked and they've been evasive. Turns out other GS was given £50k 3 years ago which was all the saved money plus 3x£10k each from DGGM estate 5 years ago. They feel this was best as he left school at 16 and had struggled to find work, they think our DC will be fine because they are likely to go to uni. Very odd decision making and incredibly hurtful. DCs both feel lied to and betrayed. They were specifically told this money was there and they chose to change their plans never mentioning it. I think it's a betrayal of trust and I doubt dc or I will see them again.
Everyone saying you are entitled isn't considering the hurt and confusion of being lied to for 18years. We never asked for any bloody money so why lead everyone down the garden path and cause all this upset?

KateMuff. Thank you. You have hit the nail on the head 18 years of seeing birthdays and Christmases come and go and no card. I used to get so hurt, I guess the root of this is that as their mother I’m hoping that even that £1 card never sent was deposited into their accounts so that they know they was thought of on their special days But to be honest I’m not holding my breath

If you live in a country that requires you to declare all your accounts, then you should do just that.

The real question here, is how to obtain the information. That, I believe, is the father's responsibility.

I was the kid this happened to. For 18 years every birthday and Christmas etc we were told "moneys in your account, you'll get it when you're 18 and you can buy a car".

It's incredibly outing to give the specifics, but after a shit load of drama and terrible accusations, we found out many years later she finally admitted giving the money away to another family member. She was rolling in money, absolutely loaded but just didn't love us enough to give us it in the end. Better off without. Wouldn't have asked her for a thing.

Horrible way to treat children. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's delicate

I set up some sort of government savings account for my dd which she was to have access to when she turned 18. I filled out paperwork giving them her contact information just before she turned 18. And once she was 18, I no longer had any access and they would only speak with her. I suspect that this is what has happened with the account that your mil has set up, except she hasn't given the bank your dd's information. Since you have the bank and account information, your dd should contact the bank directly and ask about access to her account. I am pretty sure your mil would have no ability to restrict her access and may not even be notified.

I agree daughter should try the bank directly first, if they took her birth certificate and so on I can't imagine that part, giving her information would be so different to the UK.

Bank first, then if no joy perhaps ask Mil but bank first.

Bank first, but I bet the accounts are either empty or the sum deposited was a pittance and it hasn’t been added to.