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Original poster

Should I ask MIL for daughters money?

142 replies

letmeeatcakes · 05/05/2021 10:32

When my daughter was born my MIL set up a savings account for her. My daughter’s have never received birthday/Christmas cards or pressies from their grandmother I’ve just assumed she’s put money into the account. My daughter has turned 18 and I would like her to know about this account. My MIL and I have never got along and don’t have a respectful relationship. She is now in her 90’s and recovering from surgery. Partner as usual is sticking his head in the sand and won’t address this with his Mother. My daughter is also now required to file a tax return form and give information on all savings and investments (we live in Europe) so she really should have this information. What should I do to sort this matter out bearing in mind we are not on communication terms. I also have a second daughter just turned 16 and need to know whether a similar account was opened for her.

OP posts:
Pricklykaktus · 05/05/2021 12:51

In addition, do you remember how the account was named? Was it in the MIL’s name as a trust fund for your daughter, and her name also on the account? Even if this is the case it’s not considered your daughter’s money, it’s the main named account holder’s money, I found this out after my XH took all of my 2 dd’s money out of their trust funds never to be seen again, bank said there was nothing they could do, it’s a family matter.

Geamhradh · 05/05/2021 12:52

@Atalantea

Simple

Message to MIL

"Dear MIL

Hope you are well.

My daughter is also now required to file a tax return form and give information on all savings and investments so we would like to know if you have any savings in her name.

Best regards
XXX"

Don't do this. You'll come across as even more grabby than you already are.
Frymetothemoon · 05/05/2021 12:52

@FortunesFave

Don't be silly. You can't demand this information! She's 90 and it's up to her. It won't affect your DDs tax return if she has no access to the funds either! As for your other daughter...you don't 'need to know' anything! This is MIL's money and if she's set them up, then your children will get them when she dies probably. You're not even speaking to the woman!
Actually, in the EU country I live in, you can be in big trouble for not declaring assets/bank accounts in another country, so your advice is wrong. If the account is in her name, she needs to know. Maybe just a brief message to the grandmother explaining that she needs to know if there is anything in her name for tax reasons (and keep a trace, if you can)

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Families
Allwokedup · 05/05/2021 12:54

@Chatanooga1

The excuse about the tax return is very transparent and obviously a last resort at sting to know if your daughters have windfalls coming their way!

Either your husband asks his mother or you wait and see what happens when she dies but for you to ask is rather vulgar.

100% this.

@letmeeatcakes yabu. Back off she doesn’t have to give your daughter anything.

as141 · 05/05/2021 12:54

This is mega cringeworthy. Please don't ask. Your daughters aren't entitled to anything.

Frymetothemoon · 05/05/2021 12:55

@letmeeatcakes

I’m sure the account was put in my daughters name as I (vaguely) remember having to sign a form as the mother. My daughter has reached the age where she wants to continue her education, driving lessons.... and anything however small would really help her at the moment. IF this account was for her birthday and Christmas ‘gifts’ then surely it is hers. I do feel uncomfortable about the situation but if other grandchildren have benefitted? I do appreciate all comments to help me put the situation into perspective. Especially the comment about my second daughter and the problems if no account was set up for her, I just assumed all grandchildren would be treated equally
If you remember what bank it was, maybe contact them with the details and ask if there is an account in her name. Here, in any case, all you have to do is declare that you have an account and say which country it is in.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/05/2021 12:58

*If the account was put in the DD's name and OP had to sign a form, then it is their financial business&

This is true, but the issue seems to be that it's not known whose name the account's in or even if it exists at all

On the basis that MIL involved OP in asking her to sign, I'd probably ask if there was such an account, but wouldn't go further than that - because I doubt there'd be any point

Justilou1 · 05/05/2021 12:58

I think you and DD should go directly to bank if you can. DD has ID and can find out for herself. There are probably even companies that can search lost accounts for you too. I wouldn't be surprised if MIL has punished you by withdrawing money though.

senua · 05/05/2021 12:59

My daughter has turned 18 and I would like her to know about this account ... Partner as usual is sticking his head in the sand and won’t address this with his Mother.
I suggest that you steer clear of this and tell your DD to speak to her father.

janinlondon · 05/05/2021 13:09

Why are people still saying its not her money, its granny's? UK law clearly says this is not the case. If the account exists under UK law in the name of the daughter, and the daughter is now 18, the money is hers. She just has to do a search for her missing account. (For those who are thinking of saving for their children and perhaps not telling their children at 18....that's not how it works. The bank will write to your child at 18 and you have absolutely no say over how it is handled from that point on).

Moonwhite · 05/05/2021 13:12

If it's in your MIL's name - and I assume so because you cannot open accounts for other people without their presence and ID - then it's her money. And if the account is not in your DD's name then it has no effect on her tax returns, your MIL will know this too. Don't try to use this excuse with her.

It's quite possible that no relationship = no money. Does she have a good relationship with her DGD's?

Personally I think in this case you have to assume the money is not there. Maybe she'll get in touch when your DD turns 18. Maybe she'll leave money for them in her will. But in fairness, you don't need to know anything, you just want to know.

Geamhradh · 05/05/2021 13:14

@janinlondon

Why are people still saying its not her money, its granny's? UK law clearly says this is not the case. If the account exists under UK law in the name of the daughter, and the daughter is now 18, the money is hers. She just has to do a search for her missing account. (For those who are thinking of saving for their children and perhaps not telling their children at 18....that's not how it works. The bank will write to your child at 18 and you have absolutely no say over how it is handled from that point on).
People are saying it's not her money because the OP doesn't know whose name the account was opened in.
2bazookas · 05/05/2021 13:15

@Aprilshowersandhail

Mil has committed fraud if she doesn't give dd the money... When you open an account and name a dc you are signing to say that money is for the named dc not a savings scheme for yourself.
Don't be so naive.

MIL may have set up a conditional trust fund which she totally controls. On her death, her instructions for its intended use will pass to a named trustee.

During her lifetime. MIL herself decides who the trust fund beneficiaries are, and can change them at whim.

Geamhradh · 05/05/2021 13:16

@Moonwhite

If it's in your MIL's name - and I assume so because you cannot open accounts for other people without their presence and ID - then it's her money. And if the account is not in your DD's name then it has no effect on her tax returns, your MIL will know this too. Don't try to use this excuse with her.

It's quite possible that no relationship = no money. Does she have a good relationship with her DGD's?

Personally I think in this case you have to assume the money is not there. Maybe she'll get in touch when your DD turns 18. Maybe she'll leave money for them in her will. But in fairness, you don't need to know anything, you just want to know.

17 years ago my Mum opened an account for DD, in dd's name. We were in a different country at the time and I provided no documents or signatures. Might have changed since then.
HarebrightCedarmoon · 05/05/2021 13:17

I think it's worth at least asking when she feels better if it's something she's said before. I can't stand people saying they are going to do this kind of thing, especially if they have never bothered with the grandkids in other ways, then not doing it. Who gives a fuck if you comes across as grabby? You don't like her anyway. If you don't ask, you might not get.

Idontlikethatnameanymore · 05/05/2021 13:18

What should I do to sort this matter out bearing in mind we are not on communication terms.

You do absolutely nothing.
Why on earth would she want to communicate with you? Covid aside when did she last see her grand daughter(s)? Do they even know each other/have a relationship?

Moonwhite · 05/05/2021 13:19

I didn't see the update.

Well if it's in her name that's different. Though I'm surprised she was able to do that 16 years ago. I opened an account for my son 20 years ago and he needed to be there and I needed to produce his birth cert, and proof of address.

Email all major banks and building societies and see if they have details.

Melitza · 05/05/2021 13:24

Well if its France you definitely need to know because it's a €1500 fine for every undeclared bank account and thats for every year up to 5 years! Even if the account only has €1 in it.

itsfictionstupid · 05/05/2021 13:25

I think when my children turned 16 they were sent letters from children's account providers saying "you're entitled to control this account now - let us know your wishes." So if there is an account, it's likely your MIL has ignored these letters.

Your child could try www.mylostaccount.org.uk which is a free service for tracing accounts you've lost track of. If it's in your daughter's name they should be able to trace it.

Emilyontmoor · 05/05/2021 13:26

This must be an incredibly common occurrence. My BIL set up an account for my DD when she was born. I have no idea what became of it, I would not dream of asking, it was 30 years ago!

And if your 90 year old MIL set it up 18 years ago she was already in her 70s so even less likely to remember / have lost the details etc etc. Good intentions 18 years ago do not equal money in the bank now. As you say your relationship has deteriorated so she is even less likely to have done anything with it / remember now.

I can’t believe you would be obsessing over this enough to write a Mumsnet post! It suggests you are looking for a scab to pick in your relationship with her or you are incredibly money orientated, both traits make it less likely your MIL. My grandma did buy premium bonds for each birthday until I was 21 but that was in the context of a loving relationship and I treasure them now but what you are describing sounds at best transactional, at worst vindictive. Find something more positive to focus your emotional energy on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2021 13:26

@SunnyLovesCassie

I live in EU and we have to declare all bank accounts wherever they are. Failure to do so could be considered tax fraud! If the dd is 18 and the account is in her name she needs to declare it!
This is true, I wish British people would stop assuming british rules apply everywhere. Have we learned nothing from Brexshit?

YANBU op. Will your dd ask her grandmother herself?

Geamhradh · 05/05/2021 13:26

There isn't an update is there? The OP thinks the account might be in her daughter's name and thinks she might have signed something.
All a bit of a coincidence, the daughter needing to fill in a tax form so needing to know about the money and the 90 year old grandmother with whom the OP has no contact having surgery. Wonder which came first. Hmm

IrmaFayLear · 05/05/2021 13:29

It is definitely your dh’s issue to deal with, as it is his mother. If you are at daggers drawn with your mil, even if there does happen to be an account for your dd, then she may well decide not to hand it over as it is still under her control.

I wouldn’t hold my breath, though. Dh’s uncle trumpeted that he would be saving for dh by putting birthday and Christmas money into an account for him. Did he hell.

PrincessFiorimonde · 05/05/2021 13:41

She’d have been contacted at 18 if it was in her name, I think. She should have been contacted around 16/17 with documentation, according to Google.

It depends on the account. I set up a savings account for my niece when she was a baby and paid a small amount in to it every month till she turned 18 last year. Then I closed the account and transferred the money to her. It was a surprise to her, as the bank certainly hadn't contacted her at all. (I, the account and the niece are all in the UK.)

It was also apparently a surprise to her parents, who had forgotten I'd said I'd do this all those years ago, and forgotten they'd given me a copy of her birth certificate for the purpose. If they had remembered, and had asked me about it at any point, I wouldn't have minded at all - BUT I have a good relationship with both my sibling and sibling's partner, so that's a very different situation from yours.

I don't think it is at all 'grabby' of you to wonder about this, but in the circumstances I can see it would be awkward to ask! Really it should be for your husband to ask, if he is on reasonable terms with his mother. If he isn't, you'll probably just have to let it go - depending on the implications for your DD's tax return, of course. So first you need to check the relevant rules in the country where you live. If your DD might indeed be in trouble for not mentioning such an account - IF it exists - then your husband needs to talk to his mother about it.

figuresomethingout · 05/05/2021 13:41

Some people are unbelievably rude.

OP, if it's the case that your DD risks a fine in not declaring this account, your DH absolutely must ask her about it, or at the very least find out what bank she was using. It can be made clear that the account won't be touched, it's just for tax purposes.