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Original poster

Should I ask MIL for daughters money?

142 replies

letmeeatcakes · 05/05/2021 10:32

When my daughter was born my MIL set up a savings account for her. My daughter’s have never received birthday/Christmas cards or pressies from their grandmother I’ve just assumed she’s put money into the account. My daughter has turned 18 and I would like her to know about this account. My MIL and I have never got along and don’t have a respectful relationship. She is now in her 90’s and recovering from surgery. Partner as usual is sticking his head in the sand and won’t address this with his Mother. My daughter is also now required to file a tax return form and give information on all savings and investments (we live in Europe) so she really should have this information. What should I do to sort this matter out bearing in mind we are not on communication terms. I also have a second daughter just turned 16 and need to know whether a similar account was opened for her.

OP posts:
Teabaghag · 05/05/2021 12:23

Is your daughter close to/in contact with her grandmother?

If not I don't think you should pursue it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/05/2021 12:24

Do your daughters have a relationship with her?

LemonTT · 05/05/2021 12:25

It might not be in the daughters account. It’s more likely it is a saving scheme for a child which the GM set up. They have better interest rates and tax is different. But it’s still the GM money.

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Families
katy1213 · 05/05/2021 12:26

Your daughter is an adult so whether or not money exists, it's nothing to do with you.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 05/05/2021 12:26

Mylostaccount.org.uk is free and might be worth a look, if you think there's an account in her name lying dormant somewhere.

Reinventinganna · 05/05/2021 12:26

Your daughter is 18. She should be sorting this not you.

Cerealtoast2 · 05/05/2021 12:26

Wow, not your money or your daughters it your mil money, she can give it if she wants or not. I wouldnt go and ask a 90 year old you dont have contact with for some money for your daughter- thats yours and your daughters responsibility to provide for her.

Atalantea · 05/05/2021 12:27

Simple

Message to MIL

"Dear MIL

Hope you are well.

My daughter is also now required to file a tax return form and give information on all savings and investments so we would like to know if you have any savings in her name.

Best regards
XXX"

starfishmummy · 05/05/2021 12:35

I dont think you are unreasonable.

However given my own mils antics with money she allegedly put away for 4 grandkids (only one of whom is mine), I suspect that your daughter may not see it.

Ariela · 05/05/2021 12:37

At 18 why isn't your daughter picking up a job to pay for driving lessons, phone etc? Might not be the same everywhere but round here the pubs etc that are re-opening are really struggling to get enough staff.

knittingaddict · 05/05/2021 12:38

@FortunesFave

IF this account was for her birthday and Christmas ‘gifts’ then surely it is hers

Gifts aren't a right.

No they aren't, but if someone has said that they have put money aside on birthdays etc and that money is in the daughter's name, then it was a gift freely given and is the daughter's.
janinlondon · 05/05/2021 12:38

If it is a UK bank or building society account set up in your daughter's name then at 18 the money becomes legally hers. The adult who held the account in trust is no longer relevant. mylostaccount will find it for you if it exists.

sillysmiles · 05/05/2021 12:40

Yous husband really needs to deal with this, or your daughter herself, as she is 18 and an adult now.
You don't have a relationship with her, you don't speak, so you can not ask her.
Though if you have cut off contact from her to the daughter, there is a good chance she closed the account and moved on.

OVienna · 05/05/2021 12:40

If the OP signed something then is she not named on the account? I dont understand. I have sympathy for the banking regs issue (they exist for citizens of a few countries in various guises.) But I think the only way you can approach this under the circumstances is by asking her to confirm if the account has been closed, as opposed to how much is on there. That could also appear aggressive though. Honestly if it is very unlikely to be millions I'd just leave it.

starfishmummy · 05/05/2021 12:40

@LemonTT

It might not be in the daughters account. It’s more likely it is a saving scheme for a child which the GM set up. They have better interest rates and tax is different. But it’s still the GM money.
Not always. Setting up one for my son (now adult) we were told repeatedly that it would be his money, and once he reached 7 (or 8) we could no longer make withdrawals on his behalf.
SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2021 12:41

@SunnyLovesCassie

I live in EU and we have to declare all bank accounts wherever they are. Failure to do so could be considered tax fraud! If the dd is 18 and the account is in her name she needs to declare it!
So on this basis can her son message her and say "Hi Mom, Frannie needs to do her routine tax return. I know you said you;d opened one for her when she was little, is this in her name? THanks
Fifthtimelucky · 05/05/2021 12:42

@YoniAndGuy

No, I don't agree with the majority here.

If the account was put in the DD's name and OP had to sign a form, then it is their financial business.

The problem here is, as usual, a pathetic partner unable to act like his primary family is his main responsibility.

TELL him to contact his mother with a very unemotional enquiry - DD is now required to fill out a tax form. Could Mother let them know whether the account that was once set up in her name contains any money, as she would be legally required to declare it. Sorry to bother you etc. Simple. I take it he's on different terms with his mother than you are? These types usually are - they manage to sit on the fence rather than have their partners' backs.

However if the acct IS in her name then it may be possible to find it - do you have any indication of what bank/buidling society it was with?

It's your business if your signature was required etc.

I agree with this. I don't think it's grabby at all.

It's not as if the OP is asking her MIL to provide for her grandchildren. The mother in law told her she was doing so. If it is in the child's name, which I assume it is as the OP had to sign something, she needs to know about it.

The fact that the OP wasn't told anything about an account for the second child, and was not asked to sign anything else, suggests that there is no similar account for the younger grandchild.
Very unfair, but perhaps the OP can even it out, especially if there is not much in the older child's account.

2bazookas · 05/05/2021 12:42

Whatever MIL did with her own money is absolutely none of your business.

As your adult daughter has received nothing and been told nothing there is nothing for her to put on her tax return .

If she wants to know more about her grandmother's financial arrangements she should contact her and ask.

namechangemarch21 · 05/05/2021 12:43

As an aside, this is why I'm always wary when people talk about setting up savings in their childrens' names. All this 'it was a gift, it may not still be there, the grandmother may have changed her mind.'

The fact is, if you set up certain types of accounts for children, the grandmother CAN'T change her mind. Even if the granddaughter is a drug addict and everyone agrees the money would ruin her, there are no take backs, depending on how its initially set up. This is the critical bit of info the OP doesn't have. You can say 'morally' nobody has the right to any gifts, but once they've been put into an account that's that. Which is something people should consider more carefully than I think they do.

OVienna · 05/05/2021 12:43

I mean millions in the sense it coukd attract the interest of the authorities.

Pricklykaktus · 05/05/2021 12:45

If the savings account is not in your daughter’s name then the money is not hers. Could be that the MIL is waiting for her to turn 21 or may she will inherit one day. Either way, the money is not your business and I would be careful before mentioning anything about it to your daughter.

PricklesAndSpikes · 05/05/2021 12:48

You need to tell your partner to stop behaving like an ostrich and speak to his own mother. I wouldn't be doing it if I were you.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/05/2021 12:48

@namechangemarch21

I think the way to do the approach isn't actually to ask about the money, its to say that for money laundering reasons you DD needs to know about any accounts in her name, and you vaguely remembered signing something to set one up but weren't sure whose name it was in - could MIL clarify? And get your DP to do it. I think mention it in relation to needing to declare all accounts, as it is the least grabby way to bring it up. That then opens the conversation for the grandmorther to mention the money: if the account is in your DDs name she can directly access it anyway, if its not then its all up to the grandmother anyway.

Otherwise, does your DP know who your MIL usually banks with? Presumably you could contact the bank directly and explain the situation?

I wouldn't' necessarily expect a) a separate account to exist for younger daughter and b) for there to be much money in it though. When relationships break down with children, most people lose interest in the grandchildren of those children. Some don't, but I think it is more often the case than not that relationships with grandchildren come about because of closeness to your children rather than some kind of remote genetic connection. If she hasn't been sending Christmas/birthday cards that say 'I've put something in your account' then I wouldn't' necessarily expect that at all.

I agree with this.
Atalantea · 05/05/2021 12:49

do you have any clue where the account may have been opened if it does exist?

can you/ your dd contact banks and ask if they have an account in her name with her details?

Geamhradh · 05/05/2021 12:50

@letmeeatcakes

I’m sure the account was put in my daughters name as I (vaguely) remember having to sign a form as the mother. My daughter has reached the age where she wants to continue her education, driving lessons.... and anything however small would really help her at the moment. IF this account was for her birthday and Christmas ‘gifts’ then surely it is hers. I do feel uncomfortable about the situation but if other grandchildren have benefitted? I do appreciate all comments to help me put the situation into perspective. Especially the comment about my second daughter and the problems if no account was set up for her, I just assumed all grandchildren would be treated equally
You wouldn't have had to sign a form, at least not in a UK building society 17 years ago. My mum opened one in dd's name and I didn't sign anything.