What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

@WorraLiberty

My Irish dad has loads of comebacks that make me laugh but I can't think of many at the moment.

"He can light up the whole room as soon as he leaves it" is one that springs to mind 😂

Ha ha love that one. Bitch at work, she lit up the office when she left.

Went to a young farmers do with my cousin. He was waiting at the bar to be served and two young women started asking him 'amusing' questions such as

"is your hair so ginger from eating all the carrots you grow on your farm?" replied politely with a no
"do you shag sheep on your farm?' replied with an eye rolling no
"can you milk a cow" eventually he had had enough and replied "no but get your tits out and I will give it a go"

Kerb crawlers when I was a teenager:

“Hey, how much for a blow job?”

To which is the only sensible reply is “if you have to ask you can’t afford it.”

Sadly I can’t remember the context, but I did once have the opportunity to say to the best mate of the boyfriend who’d wasted the first 5 years of my adult life and dumped me 3 times (yes, obviously he should only ever have had the opportunity to do it once but I was young - 5 years younger than him - and stupid and heartbroken) “pfft, if he liked it he shoulda put a ring on it.” Which gave me a lot of satisfaction.

Give your mouth a rest is one I particularly like.

@midsomermurderess

Calling someone 'lower class' is not a brilliant put-down. You just sound like a tosser.

I totally agree with this, it’s such a shitty thing to say

Some of these are nonsensical nor funny never mind the best heard. Some are claimed as heard or said by the poster when they aren't as they are well known.

@iklboo

Ex-p's fucking horrible sister trying to wind me up - he was out with us at the weekend and went with a big fat hanging girl

Me - I thought incest was illegal.

Brilliant 🤣

@Ariannah

Angry DH: Your bloody dog has been sitting on my coat and it’s covered in hair! Me: You should get him to sit on your head then?

😂😂

When I was a teen and working in a hotel, a new girl started one day. We were stood in the kitchen about to take an order up and the girl went to walk away with a bowl of soup without a liner plate under it. The chef grabbed it off her and slammed it on a plate and shouted at me "you should of been watching that". Then with the same tables desserts, I got to the table looked down at the plate and noticed the cheese hadn't been put on it just the biscuits and butter etc. Walked back into the kitchen and handed it to the commis chef and said loudly there's no cheese on this, turned to the head chef and said "you should of been watching that" turned and walked out 🤣

@WestendVBroadway

I was walking through town when a bloke coming towards me was wearing a T shirt with a slogan on above a picture of a bullseye. Without thinking I tried to read the slogan. The bloke wearing it shouted " What do you think you are staring at fatty?" I looked up to see a very greasy unkempt head of hair. I think I was probably a little rude when I quickly retorted "Well clearly your T shirt, not your face twatty!"

OMG this is hilarious - not your face twatty I just love this.

The best I've ever heard for timing, quality and delivery was a young woman to a group of teen boys who were hanging about outside the local shop being a bit annoying and peacocking. One made a lewd comment to the woman who came out of the shop, who must have known the kid. She whipped her neck around like the girl from the exorcist and said 'you shut the fuck up Justin or I'll shag your father and make you my stepchild'. I was absolutely doubled! As were his mates. Justin went a lovely shade of red.

Saw a guy minding his own business walking his (perfectly well behaved) staffie and an old couple passed him. The old guy said loudly “gosh what a horrible ugly dog” and the dogs owner said “I thought so too but you shouldn’t talk about your wife like that mate”. It was a bit sexist and horrible but had to admire how quickly he came out with it and it wasn’t entirely unprovoked.

@Choccyp1g

I once asked someone a rather personal question and he responded, "A few people have asked me that and I always tell them to mind their own business"

A woman I used to work with asked me if my pregnancy was planned. I was shocked. It seemed a very upfront question. Would have felt a bit judged for saying yes and for saying no as I was not married. I said to her ''oh! is this the charming English reserve ?''. She blushed. But I blushed as well. I am Irish or that wouldn't have worked. But although it felt like a good response, I was still mortified!

My DH, probably on the spectrum, has massive issues around hygiene. The assistant pastor at the church I used to attend asked if before I got into bed did my DH spray me with antibacs. My response "no he likes me dirty in bed!"

I was asked SOOOOO many personal questions when wheeling my twins around in their (giant bastard) pushchair. I almost wanted to print out a flyer with smartarse answers to all these questions and a paragraph explaining why it was absolutely NOT okay to interrogate strangers about such matters, or to inform them about their Neighbour’s cousin’s, friend’s Boy/Girl twins who WERE identical (not fucking possible!), etc
Anyway... three most common questions and comebacks: Yes, these are all entirely genuine.

“What made you decide to have twins?”
“It was just a whim... WTAF was I thinking?”

“Are they natural?”
“No... They’re 100% Synthetic. Came in a packet.”

“I.V.F???”
“No. SE.X.”
(That last one frequently got the response “No need to be so rude!” How ironic!”

I never use anything cleverer than 'fuck off' but 'I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain that to you' has always made me chuckle.

Oh and also 'it is impossible to underestimate you'

I was out rowing a couple of years ago, we encountered a very arsy bloke on a narrowboat who was going on at us about getting in his way (we weren't). Our cox said "You should go back to that charm school and ask for a refund".

'It's getting Wierd'
Yes, my older sister told me to use it if ever asked, so perfect opportunity came. Surely that is not used as a pick up line these days? this was late 80's for me.

My ex-DP loves to occasionally bring up the fact I did a little poop in labour because he

1. is incredibly immature
2. still doesn't understand it happens quite often
3. is a twat

I moaned about him on a thread in here once and a poster gave me a brilliant comeback

"Well it wasn't the biggest piece of shit in the room that day"

[quote ivfbeenbusy]@Sparklfairy

I hate it when blokes so "smile love" - someone once said it to me and I replied with "I will tonight when I have a good laugh about how small your Dick is" [/quote]
I hate it too. I used to just look blankly at them and say, 'why?' and whatever they answered just stare again and say, 'but why?' until they got bored. What I saw that woman do was way better though

Boomer is not an accepted term. It's used as an insult to shut down older people.

Funny, I thought it was the name of a character in Battle Star Galactica.

Did ye, aye

These have been great, everyone!