What's the best comeback/retort you've ever heard or given?

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

I wish I had a good one to share. I always think of something good after the fact.

These are hilarious. I read one the other day. He's only got two brain cells, and both of them are fighting for third place.

One i read the other day that made me laugh.

Yo Mama so dumb she studied for her covid test.

Another Churchill one. Though a boast rather than a put down.

Nye Bevin is in the gents at the House of Commons when Churchill walked in, saw Nye and went to the urinals at the far end.
“Not feeling sociable today Winston?”
“It’s not that Nye; it’s just that whenever you see something large, you want to nationalise it!

Calling someone 'lower class' is not a brilliant put-down. You just sound like a tosser.

Most of these make people sound like tossers.

A nice comeback, for a change.

I was looking through the fresh herbs in Sainsbo's.

Assistant "Can I help you madam?"

Me "I'm looking for the youngest Basil"

Him "Well, I'm I'm the oldest George in the shop, will I do?"

@WorraLiberty

My nan used to say "You're nowhere near as funny as you look" 😂

I love that

@Georgyporky

A nice comeback, for a change.

I was looking through the fresh herbs in Sainsbo's.

Assistant "Can I help you madam?"

Me "I'm looking for the youngest Basil"

Him "Well, I'm I'm the oldest George in the shop, will I do?"

That would have made me smile, fair play to him!

A friend's husband said his colleague's wife had caught him cheating and after he'd eaten his dinner told him he had just eaten dog food pie. He replied that he wondered why her cooking had suddenly improved ...

All those people who take the time to stop, stare and share a witty wisecrack with all those flashers....🤔

My DP was laughing at a talent show on tv. Not at the acts themselves but ripping the pi** unnecessarily out of the contestants.
DP: "I'd never go on there. They look stupid".
Me: "You'd never get on. You'd need a personality first".

Ah. A thread proving the best response when people go low is to go high, because going as low as these is cringeworthy. Most of these make me realise just how much I need to barricade myself in my house and never go out.

About five or six years ago I was at a bar with a friend, a guy came up and started talking to me, he was very drunk, he said "did you skin a polar bear to make your jacket"?! I just replied "it's faux, like you".

User I've used the "unfertilised" comment about the eggs before too.

I was about 19yo at the time and though I was a genius sadly learnt idiots like this weren't a one off though.

@BadLad

Why is boomer a problem? It’s an accepted term for a generation.

"Boomer" itself isn't an insult, but "OK, boomer" has become a way to shut down and ignore older people's opinions.

Plus it gets used on anyone over the age of 35.

Not really a comeback/retort but the one I'm most proud of. For background teacher that couldn't stand me,always put me on the spot and constantly told me i was going to fail the exam in her subject, that kind of shite. The exam was oral and we got graded on the spot. The max was 10.

So out I come from the hall, she was outside with her favourites, consoling some of them.
All smirky and fake concern "Awww and how did YOU do Accidentally?".
"I got a 10, of course!" I answered, Full of confidence and literally strutting past them. Her face fell, and one of the girls burst into tears again. Best day ever.

Yes, I'm that petty.

Some of these are so embarrassingly awful.
I can just see these people delivering their assumed razor sharp wit with a satisfied smirk while the recipient pisses themselves laughing.

@Mylittleponysuperfan

My daughter to her then boyfriend (Hed made a point of telling her periods where 'disgusting' and 'turned him off' Her-i bet your mother was waiting for hers-but the poor cow got you instead

Delivered with perfect timing

Oh my word your DD is a smart cookie.

That's brilliant

@B33Fr33....need any help ?

At a nightclub in the 80s, my supercool friend when a guy asked her to dance.
Him: would,you like a dance?
Her: no thanks, I'm not desperate
Him: well I am.

She deserved that

18:41Amdone123
yes. But as evidenced by your delight in human suffering there's no point in reaching out. T

It nice at work I was allowed to do something a dickhead colleague wasn’t. He said ‘wow I wish I was the favourite!’ Our boss said ‘oh shut up you aren’t even your mums favourite!’

Jo Guest on being asked if she gets any gratification for taking her clothes off: 'No, but I get a lot of money.'
My pal on being told she does not look like a lesbian: 'Funny that, because you don't look stupid. Aren't looks deceptive.'

There is quite a whiff of l'esprit de l'escalier to many of these, though few are what one would call pithy replies.

Boomer is not an accepted term. It's used as an insult to shut down older people.

It didn't use to be an insult. It became an insult when we Boomers got old. It was just a descriptor when we were young and cool. But now ageist arseholes like to insult us with it.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Some of these are so embarrassingly awful. I can just see these people delivering their assumed razor sharp wit with a satisfied smirk while the recipient pisses themselves laughing.

Agree