Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

@JennyBond

I’m not sure his being an investment banker makes things any different to a husband who is a builder/plumber/soldier/doctor/paramedic/bus driver/road digger/police officer (mine)

I’ll say it for the second time on this thread, then you clearly don’t know any ibankers. How many bus drivers do you know who take calls from clients on their days off? Ditto road diggers.

Now now, no one is comparing a bus driver to than investment banker. But lots of people work on high pressure jobs were you work to midnight, work weekends, take calls for clients, bosses, delivery partners at all hours.

I work in finance and and worked through the night many many time. When I was a director in a Large consultancy firm I was working across time zones so was often woken at 3am by calls from clients. Holidays were cancelled at short notice, I spent one Christmas Day reworking s contract - my mother still hasn’t forgiven me.

I was very well compensated for it, and my bonuses were dependent on this type of commitment.

It is astonishing that so many people seem to think investment banking is the only job that places this kind of demand on people. I suggest you get some life experience.

@jennybond the point I was trying to make was there are a lot of jobs that keep the partner out of the house for extended periods of time. Jobs like bus driver rely on working very long hours to earn enough to live by.

My police officer husband frequently has days off cancelled/annual leave bans/17 hour shifts. And yes, work calls him on his days off. I work for the police too. I did a 55 hour week last week, and to get some work done for Monday I need to work for a couple of hours tomorrow. And that’s a ‘desk job’. I wish it was just taking calls from a fucking client, but no, it’s part of our force’s preparation for Boris’ brilliant officer uplift, for which he didn’t also provide the budget for infrastructure. And I don’t get paid any more for doing it.

I will say it for the first time on this thread, but not the first time ever: working very hard is not just limited to high earning jobs. Ask the bloody pizza delivery guy working 3 jobs to keep afloat.

[quote luckylavender]@JennyBond - but lots of people do on that list. Lots. [/quote]
Bus drivers? Really?

Plumbers - might be on call. That’s part of their work hours/contract.
Builders- I’m yet to find one that will answer an email on the weekend.
Paramedics - shifts. Pretty sure they don’t get called on their holidays.
Doctors - most work shifts and on call, so again less disturbed when not on call, although I’m sure some specialists are.
Police - not as close to but again lots are on shift patterns although appreciate they can be changed at times, leave cancelled etc. which would be totally shit.
Road diggers - can be on call for emergencies, again part of their work rota.

Different jobs have different pressures but to claim they are all the same is clearly bollocks.

Outsource. Dh isn't an investment banker but worked similarly crazy hours with lots of travel when DS was really little. Luckily he has now progressed and is a bit more flexible.

I wish I would have outsourced more at the time, we could have afforded it easily but saw it as a waste of money as I was on maternity leave anyway. The reality is that I was knackered at of the time.

@Bunnyfuller

I’m not sure his being an investment banker makes things any different to a husband who is a builder/plumber/soldier/doctor/paramedic/bus driver/road digger/police officer (mine).

Well, actually, there is a difference: you’ll have enough money for a cleaner, nanny etc etc whereas the rest of us just have to get on with it.

I'm not sure that true.

Obviously I've only seen it from afar and yes, you're right the money makes a huge difference in being able to buy in any additional support you need.

However, the hours IB's work are insane and it's just relentless.

In the professions you've described, at least when you're not working then you're really not working.

Friend's husband is "on" all the time. It's not just the demands of clients but issues are compounded by the work being international, so "working hours" cross times zones, so important calls very late at night or super early in the morning are not unusual.

If you're working with business in the Middle East, Sunday is a work day (the working week is Sun-Thurs) for example.

All of this is "on top" of the "normal" 10/12 hour working day in the office.

The fact you've planned a holiday (or are on holiday) counts for very little if a deal is about to go under or the timing means crucial issues needed to be resolved "now".

It's insane and despite the financial rewards not a lifestyle I think I'd enjoy but my friend and obviously other couples do make it work and frankly the cushion the money provides does enable solutions that families with a parents working long hours in a different profession don't necessarily have access to.

Lower earners have to work more hours to LIVE @JennyBond

Plumbers builders etc don’t answer your emails because they’re WORKING at the weekend, you know...doing plumbing and building.

Emergency services/doctors etc have shifts - which are shamelessly extended because there’s not enough funding to provide what is needed.

Do you know, us proles don’t just work ‘our shift’ don’t you?! It really doesn’t work like that.

Ami the only on who thinks OP tells everyone she meets her husband is an investment banker😂😂.

• there isn’t a need to compare is there?!

• in this case the OP has mentioned her very specific situation and wanted help. anyone who works in IB or similar like law/consultancy will know what she is dealing with.

• there may be countless others who actually also know what she is dealing with but very hard to know what someone else’s situation is unless you have experience of that situation

• i would add that not all jobs are the same: a person on nightly but predictable shifts is not the same who as someone who has to jump on a random call at 3am or who needs to work from thursday morning to saturday afternoon straight just because a client needs that or a deal is closing

• but also a person doing that type of work isn’t the same as a husband in the army on tour for months on end

• and everyone has different situations: single parents, needing to be a carer,

• it’s not a competition. oP just needed help with her situation

I didn’t read anything in OP’s post saying she has the busiest husband in the world or that she is in the most difficult situation in the world....

she just asked for advice on her specific situation

if people think they can understand and empathise with her situation and have advice to offer then I’m sure OP would welcome that?!

Well, I am a City lawyer married to another City lawyer. We have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. In the early days it was pretty unbearable. I was on maternity leave and the inequality in our relationship was unbearable for me. So I went back to work 4 days a week (5 when I have to). We have a nanny, cleaners and gardeners to make life work.

The key for me is that when I am home and not working, I am 100% focussed on my kids (she says while posting on mumsnet on a Saturday afternoon... ). DH was not good at that and he has had to get better. We have both had to learn that (usually) the sky won’t fall in if we decline to take a client phone call on a Saturday afternoon and push it to Saturday evening after the kids are in bed.

That said, we are now also both trying to figure out how we can calm down our work lives a bit while still doing a job we both love.

I do often think that at least our jobs are ones where the long hours are pretty well remunerated....

DH and I were both at that level in banking when I had my kids. We had a nanny and a cleaner. It worked fine. I would get any paid help you feel you need.

A nanny is a great option if you can afford it because, even if part-time, you have a trusted babysitting option to do evenings every now and again.

One problem with having a DH who works these kinds of hours is that they end up being able to go out whenever they want in the evening for work drinks and stuff, whereas you're always stuck at home with the kids unable to meet friends or do any hobbies. By yourself evening after evening with only the TV for company. It gets lonely.

Bunnyfuller
Very true

The key for me is that when I am home and not working, I am 100% focussed on my kids

This is a really good point. After going back to work after DC1 it took me a good few months to realise that I was much better off just saying I need a few hours to focus on some work rather than trying to squeeze it in around nap times. Meant that the rest of the time i was much more present. People find what works for them. I see a mix of clearing the decks on a Saturday morning and preparing for the week ahead on a Sunday evening (I prefer the former otherwise I’m thinking about it all weekend). Similarly I would rather work late in the week to try and protect my weekends as much as possible.

We have both had to learn that (usually) the sky won’t fall in if we decline to take a client phone call on a Saturday afternoon and push it to Saturday evening after the kids are in bed.

Also very true, but does take a bit of adjusting to. Pre kids it was always Saturday night that was non-negotiable!

We also have a no phones at the table rule. The deal won’t fall over because you’re not contactable for half an hour (which I reluctantly agreed to in a restaurant on a Saturday night about 10 years ago when OH, quite rightly, had a massive go at me for replying to my boss during dinner).

Echo what @Confusedaboutlots said about male colleagues hanging about at work even when they don’t need to. Pre Covid, when Thursday night beers were a thing, vast swathes of my male colleagues would be calling/texting their wives/partners explaining they really couldn’t leave, they had a massive super trade reach a critical point. Or they HAD to take a client out, they’d obviously much rather be at home with the family but it would be devastating to their career if they didn’t go. Blah blah blah.

It’s all bollocks, Thurs night is team beer night and they’d all rather be doing that than doing bedtime. Most of these men don’t work nearly as hard as they make out to their wives.

My brother and his ex wife managed to get a registry office slot at quite short notice due to cancellation. Unfortunately, the bride who's slot they'd taken wasn't aware that the groom had cancelled, she and all the guests arrived but the groom had disappeared.

@llm24

excuse my ignorance but what does it have to do with your husband being an investment banker , many people I know including myself are in jobs that are not 9-5 involved working late / entertaining clients

Trust me those jobs are nothing like investment banking, it's a different league

Presumably he earns well, use that money to hire a nanny, night nurse and a cleaner. Outsource your meals for the first few weeks and then batch cook when you can. You're a team and if you see sacrifices you have to make as part of family life and can use the money he earns to make your life easier then fair enough, that is a healthy approach and won't cause resentment in the long run.

Whether having a parent who misses out so much on their childhood is a good idea only you know, presumably the money means that they can have access to opportunities that might be outwith the reach of parents on average incomes.

Lots of good advice on this thread which you haven't even acknowledged OP.

It’s all bollocks, Thurs night is team beer night and they’d all rather be doing that than doing bedtime

To be fair, I’d much rather be doing team beer night than bedtime! But that could be because I’ve not had team beer night for 2 years (pregnant, then maternity leave then pandemic).

My suggestions would be as others have said hire in as much help as possible.

Ideally live relatively close to your family for support, but most importantly live in London (with an easy tube commute to the office) a very nice part, but crucially London. It's when the family move to the country and the husband has a London flat for the week that the marriages fall apart.

Also as your children grow older talk to them about what DH does and make them emotionally resilient enough to not be upset that he won't be there at school plays and parents evening etc.

Things will be easier now post Covid, but they won't really change.

@stalachtiteorstalagmite

Lots of good advice on this thread which you haven't even acknowledged OP.

Unfortunately some of that probably got lost amongst the many people telling her to suck it up because it’s no different to being married to a bus driver.

I am interested to know why you don’t think horse riding or climbing trees is not good for children stronger?

You think