Are you married to an investment banker and have kids?

[Lisbon83]

My husband is an investment banker at ED level and we recently had a baby.

I'm looking for advice from people in my position who get the hours they do and the particular stresses of the work. It's not 9-5 as we know and it's not possible to be 50/50 split on childcare during weekday evenings for example.

How did you manage family life, looking after yourself, baby etc without tearing your marriage apart? Night feeds, childcare, household chores, life admin, weekends, time for ourselves.. how to organise and any tips or ideas?

Pandemic has made it worse and harder to access outside help but hoping this will become easier soon.

@ARoseDowntown

If you’re asking this when your DH is ED-level, brace yourself for if/when he makes MD.

Suck it up. The money he’s earning is joint and there to make up for his absence. Use it as you have to, and don’t kid yourself that your DH is paying for other people to fulfil his duties as husband and father.

It’s a venal, bleak, hollow life. Very few (single digit, in my 25 years of being in that world) people manage to bring meaning to it.

Why is it more bleak than most other jobs? Unless you are a teacher or doctor most jobs are kind of meaningless! I worked in market research and advertising and both were completely meaningless. I have friends who are bankers who have financed projects to build dams in third world countries, work on the boards of charities and do loads of other things.

In our case, moving to MD level has been way, way better than Director / VP and infinitely better than the levels below that.

@RosesAndHellebores DS was blue lighted to A&E with pneumonia when he was 2.5 and had to have surgery at 9 months old. We just worked out between us whose diary was easiest to rearrange at the time. Maybe we were fortunate with our employer (we worked for the same bank) but it was never an issue. I was on a client call an hour after giving birth to DD, so yes, some things can't be moved, but generally speaking, even in IB, clients and banks are understanding if your DC are ill - most of them have DC themselves after all.

I will add though, that I think a lot of men in IB believe themselves to be far more indispensable than they really are. DH knew he couldn't pull that shit with me a) because I knew exactly what his job entailed and b) my job was genuinely as important/lucrative/senior as his.

There are relatively few women at ED level in IB, the ones I know are very skilled at work/life balance and incredibly efficient in both their work and home lives. All of them, myself included, have no qualms at saying they need to go home/be at home in family emergencies.

I nannied for a family where the dad was an investment banker but mum also had a very highly paid job with long hours and foreign travel.

I lived in Mon-Fri, sometimes working 24/7 if mum was away. During school holidays I’d go down to London with the kids so dad could see them more but I was around if needed.

They also had a bloody brilliant cleaner and gardener and I’d happily do their food shop for them.

Weekends were absolutely 100% family time, they were a fantastic family and really valued the help. It was a brilliant job tbh, but only because they were so lovely and appreciative of me

Hospital doctor married to a corporate lawyer here. The money is good, but not as good as IB. Definitely had an extremely difficult few years when the kids were both under 5. Had some family help. But still there were times we came close to breaking up due to pure stress/resentment.

Getting much better now. I’m part time and have specialised so the work is no longer physically exhausting (only mentally so!) He’s taken a step off the partnership track. The relationship is good and the kids are delightful, so we’re generally much more chilled. His WFH has helped. Financially comfortable but we’re not doing private school. I’m glad I held onto my career as it’s a massive part of my identity and sense of purpose. His goal is to retire as early as he can afford. I can happily see myself working 3 days a week for the NHS until I’m 70.

The key is balance and figuring out what makes you happy, and it’s going to be different for everyone.

@DIshedUp

To all the people married to IB, why? Genuinely what you are describing sounds awful

Its not quite the same as an NHS doctor or something like because these jobs do get time off. It sounds like you just never get family time, they expect to just work and have everything else sorted? I wouldn't imagine not being able to go on holiday without the risk my partner will be called off. Or every night the stress of a phone call?

When they get to MD level it gets way easier time wise. Although my partner was often away when the kids were babies he now hardly ever works on the weekends, is usually here to settle them at night, has big gaps in the day when he can hang out with me. There are times when he is super busy and I can’t even have dinner with him but those times are only about 10% of the total. The salary means we can have a nice house and cleaners, afford private schools, private special needs tutors and be actively involved in a charity etc

We came from quite a problematic and poor country originally and so financial security was important to us. Also, if you are young and really enjoy maths it is quite natural to get into the finance related jobs and you often end up in banking by mistake. My husband started off wanting to be an auditor but that didn’t work out for him and he someone ended up in something now more highly paid than auditing. Maybe partly because he is someone who can function on way less sleep than the average person and keeps calm in stressful situations .

I organise everything, including his dental and hair appointments. He works hard and earns a lot. My kids are older now 17, 15 and 10. I found it hard when the oldest two were little but I got help and that help is still with me to this day. She is wonderful and it's like the girls have two mums, she is a part of our family. Crucially she can drive so can help out with school runs and activities. I have accepted that our life only works if one parent is totally present. Sometimes I miss working but I am very lucky to not have to and to have such a privileged life.

We went into this with our eyes wide open. Dh has been in IB for 30 years almost and is an MD.

The upsides are enormous it is worth pointing out. We are financially secure for the rest of our lives, have a beautiful country house, houses by the sea etc travel the world, children have the best education, woodlands to play in and ponies, they have a carefree childhood. Great opportunities to grow, because culturally we have been able to provide a very varied and interesting life. IB is demanding because of the serious money involved. So it’s worth keeping an eye on the bigger picture, it doesn’t last forever and you can be retired mid forties if you choose to be.

Dh and I agreed a few things that have really helped us stay happy and contented for much of the time (not all) but I learnt very early on that it was something I needed to shape.

A) dh finishes at 4.30pm on Friday on the dot, and doesn’t look at his phone again until 6.30am Monday morning. Allowing us plenty of time to enjoy quality weekends together as a family. We make this time work for us - and really have a very close family because of it. This is non negotiable.

B) If there is a crisis/illness he is there for us no matter what. We book holidays well in advance and use all of the annual leave well.

C) He has never got involved with the drinking culture. He is at home at 7pm latest, and spends time with the children and me, he also takes dc cycling and to the lakes etc at the weekend. He is very hands on both in terms of parenting and cleaning and cooking at the weekend.

We have a plan at the end to buy a small place overseas in the next year or two, where we will enjoy sailing and a chilled life style once his job ends.

So for us it’s a 100% worth it. We have lots of help, we have a very good lifestyle. He takes gardening leave every once in a while, which is amazing for dc as they were young, he also took a sabbatical which I highly recommend. We went travelling! Kids were toddlers and it was so memorable.

Ensure you design the kind of life you enjoy op. Make your own dreams come to life. You don’t need to trail after him, you can blaze your way through life too. You have the funds, so make it work for you! You are in a very privileged position actually, once you find your feet.

I was the IB for a decade. Was great until our first was born then going back after maternity for a year had a cleaner online shopping etc. My mum done nursery pick up tea as DH often had long days or worked away. We realised that this was no life, home late most nights weekends weren’t free from work, we had a second child where I retrained to be a veterinarian. Big difference to family life stress gone.
The money meant we were mortgage free young but oh so stressful juggling children & work.

HAVING A PARTNER WORKING LONG HOURS IS IN NO WAY THE SAME AS BEING A SINGLE PARENT.

FUCKING TRY IT.

@edwinbear that sounds tough. 25 years ago the courts were not forgiving.

I’m amazed. Quite a few people in this thread were probably raised with one parent working one parent at home. Normally mum at home. Are you seriously trying to tell me that they had a terrible childhood because their mum did the housework? Are you serious??? So time spent with your children can’t be interrupted with spells of domestic chores but they can be completely absent of any parental guidance or nurturing by having a nanny or a crèche instead? Or even better, sending them off to boarding school?? Who ARE you people?? What planet do you come from?? There are plenty of successful people borne of parents in these very circumstances. Just because you have money to throw at everything doesn’t mean you should. Just because kids like their nanny doesn’t mean they wouldn’t rather be around their parents. And yes it’s sucky that some jobs demand all of your tune and eat into your spare time, but that’s what the big bucks are for, right? So work yourself to the bone and throw money at everything and never have a meaningful relationship with your kids, or, get a better work life balance. Off to play with the kiddies.

There’s domestic drudgery and there’s domestic drudgery. My DF has a team of two cleaners twice a week for 6 hours a time to clean her mansion. Her home is absolutely massive, inside pool, outside pool, pool room, tennis court, 7 bedrooms. I can’t see the problem, she’s giving two people a job .

@bluebellscorner

I noticed you are considering going back as your dh is struggling to find something.

Have you looked at this?

womenreturners.com/

Totally agree that a partner working long hours isn't comparable to being a single parent. Far from it.

OP outsource everything you can.

I'm a working (public sector) single mum and I outsource what I can afford (cleaner, gardner and window cleaner).

@itwa Thank you Yes I have! I know there are some options for people who have had longer career breaks but it’s still quite hard when it’s been more than a decade. Understandably... can’t blame the employer for thinking twice

For anyone else looking for a job after a career break, you could also try this: www.thereturnhub.com/

Not me but a friend from Uni is married to an IB.

She once said to me that "very few things represent a problem if you can throw money at them".

And she did/does. Over the years they've had live in housekeepers, cleaners, gardeners, drivers, nanny's (yes plural - one day and one night when the children were babies).

She often goes on holiday with the children without her DH and takes the nanny (who still comes when her DH holidays with them as even on holiday he'd still do work and on one occasion had to fly back 2 days into a 10 day holiday to rescue a deal).

He works and does literally nothing else. When they bought a new house the first time he'd even seen it was when he came home from his flat in the city (where he stays Mon-Fri) at the end of the week, the rest of the family having moved in days before.

It's a pretty unique lifestyle but to be fair they both seem happy (both independently and as a couple).

I think it works for them as both respect what the other brings to relationship, are both pretty self sufficient individuals and fundamentally have always had a long term game plan that he'll work until 50 and then semi-retire (do some consulting, exec directorships etc) at which point they'll have a lot of money/assets and time to enjoy it together - so in that sense there's a shared goal/reward.

Senior corporate lawyer who has worked in a very large city law firm and also an investment bank. I’m also married to an ex IB who is now in asset management

We both work now. It’s bloody tough at times and I often need to do bedtime and then log in again until the early hours. and in my past I’ve done many many shifts until 5am and started again at 9am. also had many many weekends and holidays interrupted with completions or calls.

But Im also the first to acknowledge that we are luckier than most because we can afford to pay for cleaners, gardeners, a cook, childcare.

It’s also no way comparable to being a single parent - at least I can go to the loo.

So solutions that may help are:

• buy in whatever help you can for the house work. if you can buy it do it - and you can then spend your time with kids. Not saying that parents who can’t afford this are worse parents than people who can - but if you can afford it, just do it. why wouldn’t you?!
• use family support if you can
• occupy your day with activities and friends if available
• dH can utilise his relationships to have clear boundaries where possible - no he doesn’t need to take a call on saturday morning if he can just take it on friday afternoon/evening. can someone else cover a particular aspect of the deal. can he message or email rather than take a call.

yes times can be crazy busy but even in between deals I’m sorry to say that a lot of my male colleagues would just sit in the office eating their dinner, watching sport because they didn’t want to head home for bed time. they just didn’t enjoy the parenting as much and couldn’t switch off from work. So i do think that, sometimes at least, it is also about priorities and ego.

obviously it’s not easy - especially when there are all-party calls. but there are ways around it and we aren’t so self-important to realise that we must be the ones on each and every call or in every meeting.

I think the new way of working during covid should help with this.

disclaimer: i don’t mean to offend anyone - just being honest based on my experiences - which may not be the same for everyone!!

I’m not sure his being an investment banker makes things any different to a husband who is a builder/plumber/soldier/doctor/paramedic/bus driver/road digger/police officer (mine).

Well, actually, there is a difference: you’ll have enough money for a cleaner, nanny etc etc whereas the rest of us just have to get on with it.

You out source, DH not a banker but earns ££££. Cleaner 3 x a week, babysitter for evenings out, nursery for 3 days a week.
He did the night feeds on Friday Saturday while I slept in the spare room.
We had 2 regular babysitters for 12 years, found them when DD was 8 months old.
I'm a SAHM

"have a beautiful country house, houses by the sea etc travel the world, children have the best education, woodlands to play in and ponies, they have a carefree childhood. " It sounds lovely as an adult but I am really not convinced it is good for children.

Out of curiosity, do those partners who work in IB actually enjoy their jobs?

I’m not sure his being an investment banker makes things any different to a husband who is a builder/plumber/soldier/doctor/paramedic/bus driver/road digger/police officer (mine)

I’ll say it for the second time on this thread, then you clearly don’t know any ibankers. How many bus drivers do you know who take calls from clients on their days off? Ditto road diggers.

@JennyBond - but lots of people do on that list. Lots.