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Original poster

Shock. Found separated husband dead.

129 replies

sleepraptor · 18/04/2021 22:38

Separated from husband last year but still very good friends. He was meant to be coming for tea as kids and I had been away for a few days but didn't turn up. Knew something wasn't right. Found him dead at home. I think it must be sepsis or something similar. And he was at least a day dead I think. All the immediate police and ambulance stuff done and now home, kids in bed asleep.

I've tried to go to bed but my legs and hands feel like they're burning. Is that normal? I have clearly been in shock and was shaking and freezing for ages earlier but warmed up now. Just want to go to sleep now but worried in case not normal for this reaction.

OP posts:

Weenurse · 19/04/2021 08:50

So sorry you and DC are going through this.
💐

Biscuitsneeded · 19/04/2021 08:53

Oh OP, what a terrible thing to happen. I'm so sorry. I hope you have found the strength to contact a friend or two and they are able to be with you today.

willitevergetwarm · 19/04/2021 09:04

I am so sorry this has happened to you and your children. Similar happened to me and my children almost 6 years ago. I was very much led by them regarding school etc. Please remember to take care of yourself as well are your children. Sending hugs

PussGirl · 19/04/2021 09:05

How awful - I'm very sorry this has happened

billy1966 · 19/04/2021 09:11

What a truly dreadful shock.
You poor woman.
Wishing you strength.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 19/04/2021 09:38

Sending you strength and positivity OP. I'm sorry.

Annasgirl · 19/04/2021 10:38

Hi OP,

Just sending you a hug an hope you get support from your family and friends to-day. Be gentle with yourself - there is no right way to grieve and it will come in waves.

For to-day and tomorrow, try to focus on practical issues to do with the death (bank etc) and let your family cook dinner etc. I am sure your DC will need lots of attention and care from you and you may find they each deal with it separately.

At a later point, I think there are some support boards on here for those who have lost a husband or partner.

JudgeJ · 19/04/2021 10:48

I had a similar experience last year though we weren't apart, there's a numbness, I couldn't cry much especially when others were there. Oddly, this weekend's events have reduced me to floods and it was connected to the loss. I also found I lacked basic skills for a few days, I felt very insecure driving for a few days. Look after yourself and your children, it's hard at any times but with the Covid restrictions it's even harder.

Chickychickydodah · 19/04/2021 10:52

So sorry for your loss, please try to keep drinking even if you don’t want to eat. You need sustenance to keep yourself going 💐

nevertrustaherdofcows · 19/04/2021 11:49

If the kids are little, just be aware that their school may do all sorts of card-making and stuff for Fathers Day. Have a word with them about it, and then with their teachers if you think they might find it too much.

RB68 · 19/04/2021 12:09

There are so many practicalities to sort just don't rush things too much. Reporting his death and sorting out if he has a will is first and then go from there. Feeling 2 steps behind yourself is perfectly normal so take your own sweet time to do whats needed and get others doing things for you like a bit of shopping or a meal or taking the kids for tea a couple of times etc. There is a lot to organise and if he has other family then they may need to be involved as well

TangerineGreen · 19/04/2021 13:00

So sorry OP, thanking of you 💐💐

Shufflebumnessie · 19/04/2021 13:36

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you eventually managed a little rest last night

Candycane57 · 19/04/2021 13:48

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hope you and your children are ok and rested this morning. Even if you're not up to eating try to have something sweet like orange juice to keep you going a bit. It's completely normal to not feel normal for a while, there's no pressure for you to act in any way and you're allowed to feel or suppress any emotions.

I hope you have real life support too, but if and when you're ready or need to talk, we're here for you.
Sending love x

TweezerMay · 19/04/2021 13:55

I’m so sorry, what a dreadful shock. Thinking of you and your children.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/04/2021 16:08

Thinking of you and your kids today - you sound so kind and resilient

Original poster

sleepraptor · 19/04/2021 20:41

Thank you for all the lovely and helpful messages and lists, and book recommendations. And I'm really sorry for everyone else who has been through similar. I have read all the messages and will re-read them again and again over the coming days and weeks. Today has been tough. I didn't sleep for a minute last night but I did feel a couple of times that my body relaxed. Lots of strange sensations as people have said. The grief completely hit me this morning and I had to go and sob in the garden so I didn't scare the kids.

I have messaged and spoken to a lot of people but like someone said , it feels very slow progress, like treacle. I feel there's so much to do. And it's overwhelming if i think about it that I'm the only one responsible for the kids day in, day out now.

I have heard of Winstons Wish so will call them in the next few days. School have been great too, and said just be led by the kids and that they can arrange grief counselling for them too.

I have a list which is in no way complete and don't feel like I've achieved much but I know that is normal.

I just really want to sleep tonight but I can't stop re-living it all and picturing his body whenever I close my eyes. I desperately want to know what happened and when. The coroners have a backlog so it's going to be a few days before I know anything or get his phone back. I started trying to google earlier what different stages of body do after death to try to place the time but that was probably a very bad idea so I stopped.

I have a few more messages / calls to do tonight then I think I will get in bed as soon as I can after 9.30. I have eaten today but still very foggy in my head which is probably both lack of sleep and the shock and grief.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

Thurlow · 19/04/2021 22:21

I'm glad the school have been supportive. Take care and try and get some rest tonight if you can x

DollyMinx · 19/04/2021 22:23

I hope you manage to get some rest tonight, op.
My heart goes out to you and the DC, my ex died
after an accident a few months ago and it keeps
hitting me in waves and overwhelms me.

Is there anyone to help you with all the formalities, did he
have relatives who could help.
I delegated as much as I could. Even choosing songs for
the funeral gave me brain ache and I found it just too difficult.

Use this thread to keep track of your thoughts if it helps, op, just
write it down and come back to it when you feel able.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/04/2021 07:16

How much of your husband's family are around/nearby/useful @sleepraptor? I assume you're still next of kin because you weren't yet divorced, but would they have any useful input? It would be good if you could share some of the tasks ahead if possible.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2021 08:15

I hope you did manage to get some sleep last night and that you have a good community around you. Don’t be afraid to reach out. You will find some people incredibly kind out there. One step at a time.

Original poster

sleepraptor · 20/04/2021 08:20

Hi TWA. Not really anyone. His mum and sister have both died in recent months, his mum's funeral hasn't even happened yet so I also think I need to deal with her rented house. I spoke to his brother-in-law's sister yesterday who is amazing and very competent so she's going to be a contact at his mum's funeral if I decide I'm not going to go - it's a long journey this week and I don't think I want to be away from the kids. I think she may help but there isn't anyone else really.

I slept last night so feeling a bit more up to sorting things although keep crying. I have started a spreadsheet with everything I need to do.

I'm worried about my eldest. He has HFA with PDA and he's just ignoring pretty much the issue and wanted to do normal things and not talk at all about what's happening. I'm just letting him do that at the moment but I worry that he's going to struggle to deal with it all healthily. My youngest is talking a bit and sad but is wanting to read a lot as well. I know it's very early days so I'm just following what they want to do at the moment. They've decided to go to school for the morning today.

OP posts:

BritInAus · 20/04/2021 08:33

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job. You're quite right, it is very early days - please try not to worry about how your children cope long term. Right now just take it hour by hour, day by day. It feels overwhelming, I know.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/04/2021 08:51

OMG, what a lot of loss to deal with in one family in such a short space of time :( - that's overwhelming!

At least there is a BIL and his sister around to cover your H's sister's affairs - hopefully she'll be supportive to help with MIL's affairs at least and will be at least able to offer advice if not actual support with respect to your husband.

There is also a bereavement board on MN that might be able to help with "things you need to do" if you're not already familiar.

Your oldest son - that's going to be tricky. It's quite likely that he will refuse to acknowledge the full extent of the loss(es) - he might just adapt to the change as a matter of fact with no emotional input - this happened to a young relative of my DH's when she lost her father (also HFA but no PDA). Still don't know how she feels inside about it.

Unimaginable, I'm so sorry

Enko · 20/04/2021 09:11

I was listening to a podcast recenyly how do you cope with Ellis and John. They were interviewing Simon Thomas who spoke of what it was like suddenly looseing his wife. One thing he said really struck a cord with me as its so true.

Children grieve in puddles. They are either in the puddle and right in the middle of it. Or out.

This is so true children can do this step in and out. So be guided by them.

I lost my mother 6 years ago and the one thing I needed to happen was I needed normality as that helped me cope. Your ds may feel that way too. Like if everything is normal then he can just about function. He will step into his puddle when he is ready. (And out again)

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