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Original poster

Shock. Found separated husband dead.

129 replies

sleepraptor · 18/04/2021 22:38

Separated from husband last year but still very good friends. He was meant to be coming for tea as kids and I had been away for a few days but didn't turn up. Knew something wasn't right. Found him dead at home. I think it must be sepsis or something similar. And he was at least a day dead I think. All the immediate police and ambulance stuff done and now home, kids in bed asleep.

I've tried to go to bed but my legs and hands feel like they're burning. Is that normal? I have clearly been in shock and was shaking and freezing for ages earlier but warmed up now. Just want to go to sleep now but worried in case not normal for this reaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepraptor · 18/04/2021 23:38

Thanks again for all your comments. The police just had to come to get a statement tonight as they need to get it to the coroner tomorrow first thing but the officer had written it for me and just asked me to read and amend which was really good of them. I've had a hot chocolate and have another warm herbal tea. I have no idea how the kids are still sleeping given I also managed to set the alarm off when I came downstairs. They have been amazing, asking lots of questions and I've been honest in an age appropriate way but admitted where I don't know things. I'll see what they want to do in the morning.

He was 52 but pretty young for that age. I appreciate 52 is very young but you know what I mean. He was 9 years older than me. There was no nastiness in the split at all, we just couldn't get the marriage back on track after kids. Definitely still close friends. We still did lots together and he joined all my family get togethers. We have a holiday booked together with the children for summer holidays.

I'm going to attempt sleep again now and hope I don't disturb my youngest.

thanks again.

OP posts:
SRS29 · 18/04/2021 23:43
Flowers
Holothane · 18/04/2021 23:44

Hugs dreadful thing you take care.

littlefireseverywhere · 18/04/2021 23:45

So sorry for your loss.

CausingChaos2 · 18/04/2021 23:45

So sorry for your and your children’s loss. Whatever your reaction now, is normal. You’ll be in deep shock so do take care and allow others to support you if you can. Winston’s wish is an excellent charity for bereaved children.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 18/04/2021 23:45

I hope you've managed to fall asleep.

I'm so sorry for you and your kids, it's a horrible shock & a huge loss for you all

I'm so glad your parents are near by & are able to be there for you.

If you were my friend I wouldn't care what time it was if you called. So don't hesitate to call a friend if you feel you want to.

You're bound to worry about any strange physical feelings you have now, but it all just sounds like shock to me & your body being hungry/thirsty.

You're allowed to feel, however you feel about him dying. There's no right & no wrong, plus you have the grief of your children to cope with too. Just 'be'.

Biggest hugs
💐

MrsPworkingmummy · 18/04/2021 23:49

Oh OP, what a dread situation. I'm sorry for your loss : a huge shock whether separated of not. I think your reaction sounds normal, although I'm no expert. Hope you're feeling better x

Rejoiningperson · 18/04/2021 23:49

Here’s a link to an NHS leaflet about traumatic shock if it helps

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/617321/nhs_trauma_leaflet.pdf

It will be OK. I once raced down to see a very significant Ex who suddenly became ill and he died in his hospital bed right in front of me an hour after I arrived.

You will feel strange for a while, physically and mentally - so do just go with it. It’s like the body takes over I think, and kind of knows what to do to process something big so just let it happen.

They do say try not to do anything too taxing like driving long distances as you will be a bit all over the place for a bit.

Burning hands is the neural pathways going a bit on alert and sounds temporary. Sorry you have to go through it and sorry it’s happened.

Meme69 · 18/04/2021 23:54

My heart goes out to you. Be kind to yourself, eat, drink plenty and try to get some rest.

My ex died suddenly, I missed a call from him and by the time I called back unbeknown to me he was dead. He wasn't found for a few days and I was calling the coronor and hospitals etc, they all kept saying no, they didn't have him, and then I rang back, just on the off chance to our local coronor and they said they'd just had someone in, that they'd call me back. I will never ever forget that day. I felt exactly like you do now, once the immediate stuff had happened. It passes. It does. I promise.

MrDarcysMa · 18/04/2021 23:54

Oh you poor thing. How awful. Sounds like the adrenaline wore off and your body is catching up physically with the mental distress. I hope you get some sleep. Thinking of you and your kids tonight x

Rejoiningperson · 18/04/2021 23:56

With kids they say factual is best, as in ‘he died from x’ rather than ‘he is somewhere else now’. And that it is something that will come out over time, they will ask questions as it comes to them.

Sorry again. How sad. I didnt’ share any kids with this Ex that died, however I do appreciate it can still be as awful if you are separated (I was ‘the one’ for this Ex, who was also 52 Sad ) way too young. Tragic.

Lots of ways for you and kids, and others to be able to just chat about him through messages, texts, social media or whatever for a few weeks, that could be really good. Finding photos and loved items, that kind of thing. Not forced, just natural.

TurquoiseDragon · 19/04/2021 00:04

I am so sorry for your loss.

While I left my ex 3 years ago as he was abusive, it was still one hell of a shock that he died suddenly at work not long before Xmas. And having to tell our DC, and in fact acting as NOK and getting everything in order, registering the death, etc. He was only 59, it was totally unexpected.

So yes, I can understand the shock, and I hope you're getting RL support, for you and your DC. Thanks

SirVixofVixHall · 19/04/2021 00:14

You will feel in shock, what a tragic and traumatic thing to happen, I am so sorry. Flowers

dillydallydollydaydream7 · 19/04/2021 00:22

What an awful shock for you all, it certainly sounds like it's starting to hit you and you're in shock. Could you ask your parents to stay for a few days?
My deepest sympathies to you all Thanks

ginandvomit · 19/04/2021 00:32

Oh that's horrible I'm very sorry. I imagine even though you were separated you still had feelings and your children lost their Dad. My children and I also found dead a very close relative. It's a horrible shock, it comes and goes for weeks. Several years later I still think about it almost daily. Be kind to yourself and get lots of support, you may like to seek bereavement counselling for the children.

BritInAus · 19/04/2021 00:34

I'm so sorry for your and your kids loss. My ex died suddenly last month, it's a terrible shock and awful grief to try and process whilst also supporting your children through their grief.

Be very kind to yourself. Take as much time off work as you can. I know for the first week I was utterly useless. When I tried to read an email on the second day it was like the words were jumping around the screen.

Just take care of the basics. Drink water and eat. Just simple foods. Take away, whatever you need. We lived on toasties for a few days. Try and get out in the fresh air each day even just to potter in the garden.

A few things I found useful for my 6 year old DC over the first few weeks:

  • Lots of cuddles
  • Lots of talking but also lots of just having fun and doing nice things
  • Buying a special Jellycat teddy to remember their parent - let DC choose the colour, chose parent's favourite colour. She takes that to school every day in her bag in case she needs to cuddle it. We went and bought that the first day so she had that almost as soon as I told her.
  • Spoke to her school first day - I sent an email to explain then went in to see teacher and wellbeing team - talked about how I'd explained the situation and death so language was consistent. They called me every day in the first week to let me know she is ok, that she'd eaten her lunch etc. Her appetite dropped for about a week, so it was good to know she'd eaten lunch after refusing breakfast that week (very unusual for her)
  • We planted a tree in the garden with close friends. We all said some nice things about her parent and DC then let off a helium balloon (I know - not environmentally friendly) into the sky
  • We read some appropriate books - the Invisible String is lovely, we also have The Tiny Star by Mem Fox and The Memory Tree by Britta Teckentrup.
  • I hope you will have lots of practical support around you. My friends all told me to ask if I needed help, and I did. I was glad to have that support and also think people were really glad to be able to offer tangible help. So say yes - if someone offers to drop around a meal you can reheat, to babysitting if you need some time out, etc. Obviously that will be covid dependent - I'm lucky we have no restrictions where we are.
  • I made my DC a photobook of her other parent so she has some pictures to look at and also got a notebook and asked parent's friends to write a happy memory in it for her to read as she gets older. I also framed two nice photos for her bedroom of her and DP.
  • Don't underestimate the value of a good psychologist or counsellor for you and/or DCs. School may be able to organise for them.

I don't mean to overwhelm with a long list - but these are some of the things I found helpful and/or have done to support my child recently in similar cirucmstances.

The absolute most useful two things though? 1) going for walks when I could with good friends who I can talk to without any filter.

  1. realising that sleep may be f*cked up for a little while and not to try and fight it.

All the very best to you. It's extra complicated when it's an ex - I found some people didn't really know what to say. In a way, for me, it would have been easier in some ways if we'd still been together at the time of their death.

Take care and feel free to PM if you want to chat to someone who gets it. x

starfishmummy · 19/04/2021 00:38

Hope you are asleep now.

As for the kids, see how they feel tomorrow. Doing normal familiar things may be what they need right now.

peachgreen · 19/04/2021 00:58

I'm so sorry OP. It's the most awful thing. And being separated adds a level of complexity to your grief that will in some ways be harder.

My DH died suddenly 6 months ago leaving behind me and our 3 year old DD. It has been the toughest 6 months of my life, without a doubt. But I'm still here. One day at a time.

May I recommended the charity Widowed and Young? I appreciate you were separated but you will still be welcomed there and find support.

Please PM me if I can be of any help. Sending you love and strength.

Rejoiningperson · 19/04/2021 01:15

@BritInAus such lovely great advice! Really sorry your Ex also died suddenly last month. That is so fresh still. Sympathies. How lovely your kids have such a thoughtful Mum, with all the little things you’ve helped them with.

ShortSilence · 19/04/2021 01:21

God I’m so sorry op, what an awful shock for you all FlowersFlowers

Thinking of you and your dc.

Mamanyt · 19/04/2021 01:37

I am so very, very sorry. Yes, raised blood pressure can cause sensations very like that, and raised blood pressure is not unexpected after the shock you have had. You and your children are in my heart tonight.

BritInAus · 19/04/2021 01:50

Thanks @Rejoiningperson - very kind.

@peachgreen I'm sorry for your loss.

caringcarer · 19/04/2021 01:51

What a dreadful shock for you and your children. Keep warm and hydrated. Over the next few days accept all help offered. Let your parents help you. Accept freezer meals you can just throw in oven. Order in pizza if necessary to feed kids. You do at least have good memories to reflect on. Not everyone can stay friends with their ex. Ask your Mum to help you go through his paperwork. Take care of yourself. Try to eat even if only soup. So sorry for you and your children.

eaglejulesk · 19/04/2021 01:58

I'm so sorry to hear this. You will be suffering from shock, just take it easy and only do as much as you feel like. Take care of yourself. Flowers

Standrewsschool · 19/04/2021 02:19

Sorry for your loss flowers