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Original poster

Shock. Found separated husband dead.

129 replies

sleepraptor · 18/04/2021 22:38

Separated from husband last year but still very good friends. He was meant to be coming for tea as kids and I had been away for a few days but didn't turn up. Knew something wasn't right. Found him dead at home. I think it must be sepsis or something similar. And he was at least a day dead I think. All the immediate police and ambulance stuff done and now home, kids in bed asleep.

I've tried to go to bed but my legs and hands feel like they're burning. Is that normal? I have clearly been in shock and was shaking and freezing for ages earlier but warmed up now. Just want to go to sleep now but worried in case not normal for this reaction.

OP posts:
BluePeterVag · 19/04/2021 03:16

So sorry for your loss Flowers sudden bereavement and shock for me, felt like an out of body experience, like it was happening to someone else and I was inside my body viewing the world but not really in control of anything.
Stay hydrated, even if you don’t feel like eating.

Embracingthechaos · 19/04/2021 03:20

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I just wanted to mention a couple of things - when I was 11 my step dad hanged himself, and I saw much more than I should have. I went to school the next day (my choice). I don't think I chose to miss a day until a few weeks later, when I was feeling very teary and just couldn't face it. Up until that point I preferred going to school because it felt normal. I'm really glad that my mum didn't make me feel like I should stay at home. I think sometimes the most loving and well meaning parents can think that their child isn't grieving appropriately but as others have said up thread, there is no right or wrong way to do it. So over the next few weeks I would just let the kids take the lead on how much of their "normal" life they want to continue.

In regards to how you are feeling, I would just try and look after yourself as best you can, but don't be afraid to see a doctor if you are worried that something isn't right. Don't ignore any symptoms that concern you.

Good luck with everything. Look after yourself.
Flowers

NiceGerbil · 19/04/2021 04:05

Fucking hell OP.

Dead for a day? Christ. And obviously you used to love him and he's the kids dad.

Don't underestimate that. Don't play it down. It would be awful to find a stranger like that. Let alone your ex etc.

I'm so sorry.

There is no right or wrong reaction. Ups and downs. Complicated and conflicted feelings. That's all fine.

You have family around. Lean on them. Be honest with your children and let them be honest with you. Upset, withdrawal, anger.

Focus on taking care of yourself and your kids and let others help.

I'm so sorry xx

Emnemblem · 19/04/2021 05:16

How are you this morning @sleepraptor? Hugs x

Isthereaduckinthehouse · 19/04/2021 05:43

Sorry to hear this. It must have been an awful shock.

Natsku · 19/04/2021 06:09

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you're feeling less in shock now. In regards to your DC, when DD's dad died the books Goodbye Mog and Michael Rosen's Sad Book really helped DD, she was around the age of your youngest at the time.

Take care of yourself, make sure you eat and drink regularly and if you're struggling to sleep maybe ask your GP for something to help you sleep temporarily.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2021 06:18

I’m so sorry for you loss. How awful for the three of you. Poor him. Big hugs to your little ones. My dad died when I was a child, much older. All I wanted was lots of love and cuddles. Flowers

Plumedenom · 19/04/2021 06:18

I'm very sorry for your loss. All those weird physical things sound like a mixture of shock and grief. Take it slow these days and no work until you are out of that foggy feeling. xxx

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2021 06:19

And remember to look after yourself as well. Lean on your parents and friends. Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/04/2021 06:42

Very sorry to read this, @sleepraptor - what a horrible shock!

I don't have personal experience but a friend lost her DH suddenly to a brain haemorrhage in his late 30s - she was away with family at the time and he was found by a family friend, because he hadn't turned up to work.
She felt guilty because she hadn't been there - but even if she had been there she couldn't have saved him, and it would have been much worse for her to see it.

I hope you have lots of support - as has been said by other posters, do ask friends and family for help when you need it - and I agree with the recommendations of www.winstonswish.org/ for the kids and www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/ for yourself.
Thanks and (((hugs))) for you all.

RantyAnty · 19/04/2021 06:55

I'm so very sorry. What a horrible shock for you. Were the DC with you when you found him? How are your DC?

Elspethelf · 19/04/2021 07:17

How are you holding up? I'm so sorry for your loss. I separated from my husband after I caught him cheating. He spiraled into depression so I never filed divorce papers. I was connecting him to health professionals and was very worried about him. He ended up taking his own life. I don't know what you are going through but would like to share some of my learnings in case it helps. Since work, friends, family etc knew we were going to divorce, I felt (incorrectly) that there would be this perception that my grief wouldn't be so great as if we were happily married. So I pushed myself to return to normal and didn't seek as much help or support as I should have. It affected my health, my work performance and my relationships. Find someone who you can talk to. How you feel and what you might need may change every day. Do what you need to take care of you and your family and don't worry about what others might think or expect. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Know that the hurt doesn't go away but it does get easier. You have all my love

Cattitudes · 19/04/2021 07:19

If your dc do go in then maybe ask the teacher to explain to the class what has happened as that really helped my dc when their grandparents died. The teacher will hopefully also guide the class in terms of asking questions as well. It does depend on the child I think whether to go in or not. When grandparents died one of mine went in totally as normal, one had a day off and one went in mid morning.

bearlyactive · 19/04/2021 07:33

I'm so sorry OP, I hope you managed to get some sleep Flowers

BlowDryRat · 19/04/2021 07:34

I'm really sorry OP, what an awful shock. So sorry too to other posters on this thread who have had similar experiences Flowers

I hope you managed to get some sleep. Please be gentle with yourself.

Lovemusic33 · 19/04/2021 07:37

So sorry OP, how awful having to find him like that and for your dc Sad, similar happened to a friend with her ex but no kids involved, he had been dead for a couple days when she raised the alarm (they were still friends).

How you are feeling is completely normal, take things a hour at a time, let the dc decide if they want to go to school or not, they need to grieve in their own way.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/04/2021 07:40

@user1499113169

In my experience there is no 'normal' reaction. When my Nan passed suddenly I cried for days. When I found DH I cried as soon a I found him and by the time the paramedics and police arrived I just felt numb. Even telling DD I didn't cry, it was only 2 days later when DD was in school and I had the call from the coroners office that I allowed myself to cry againDaffodil
user is right - we are all pretty unique in how we react to shock.

What a dreadful thing to happen - both for him to die so unexpectedly, and for you to find him. No wonder you are in such a state.

You had remained friends, and you obviously had an emotional connection to each other, as well as having children together. I'm soo sorry.

Take things a day at a time. Flowers

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 19/04/2021 08:04

Good morning OP, I’m so very sorry for all of your loss. Hope you managed to get some sleep last night.
Thinking of you and sending hugs and strength x

Alfiemoon1 · 19/04/2021 08:09

So sorry for your loss

Thurlow · 19/04/2021 08:11

I'm so sorry, OP. I hope you and the children managed some sleep last night x

SavageBeauty73 · 19/04/2021 08:19

I'm so sorry for your loss. Shock does weird things to your body. I hope you managed to sleep a bit and have support today 💐

Livebythecoast · 19/04/2021 08:22

Morning OP. I'm so sorry for your sad loss Flowers.

I found my Dad dead, totally unexpected and it was awful. Going over and over the 'what if's' etc was so draining and my emotions were all over the place. Felt like my world had stopped but everything else was the same and nothing made sense anymore.
The only advice I have is to try to go with the feelings/emotions. Nothing is right or wrong. You've all had a terrible shock. Look after yourself and like others have said, accept any help from family and friends. We tend to not want to burden people but I realised that they really did want to help either practically or emotionally, so let them.
It's not going to be easy but you will find the strength.

Thinking of you and your little ones Flowers

JackieQueen · 19/04/2021 08:22

So very sorry for your loss Flowers

MrsPerfect12 · 19/04/2021 08:40

So very sorry for your loss. Daffodil

TemporaryNCapril21 · 19/04/2021 08:41

So very sorry for your loss OP, what an awful shock. Please lean on friends and family (and us) over the coming weeks. Sending so much love to you and your children x