Neurodiverse, depressed or just lazy...or maybe all three? Please help me to figure out what is wrong with me.

[paralysedbyinertia]

I just can't motivate myself to do anything. I'm completely paralysed by inertia and inaction. Please help me figure out what is wrong with me.

I'm struggling to even motivate myself to write this post. I wake up every day with such good intentions about everything that I'm going to achieve, and I then procrastinate to the extent that I achieve nothing. Literally nothing. I hate myself for it.

I have always been a massive procrastinator, I leave everything until the last minute. If I have an important deadline, I can usually get stuff done but only when I really, really have to. I find it so hard to get started on tasks - even easy ones like getting dressed or putting a load of washing on. Anything that requires more effort seems impossible. I just sit and surf the internet instead, or watch TV, or invent other stuff to do like have a shower, go for a walk etc.

I did extremely well at school, but even then, I really struggled to get stuff done. Could only write an essay if I stayed up all night before it was due. It was the same when I did my master's - I would stay up all night writing and then go to work on no sleep because I couldn't get myself to write anything until I was literally counting down towards the deadline.

I was made redundant last year, and I am really struggling to motivate myself to look for a job. I just can't get myself started. Sometimes I look and find jobs that look like a good match, but I just can't get myself into gear to write the application. I'm the main earner, so we're living off savings at the moment - I am worried that I am not going to find the motivation from within until we are getting to the point when we can no longer do this.

My house is a mess, and I really struggle to get stuff done. Even things like putting the bins out seems utterly overwhelming. I put things off until I really have no choice. Haven't been to the dentist or had a smear test for years. I once delayed doing my tax return for so long that I got a massive fine. This isn't normal, is it?

On paper, I look quite competent. I have excellent qualifications, a good track record in work, speak multiple languages, have done voluntary work etc. But I feel utterly incompetent and incapable of managing the normal stuff of everyday life.

I have often wondered about ADHD, but I'm not sure. Mentioned this to my mum a while ago, and she didn't get it at all. I know that I was a fidget as a child (my dad always commented on it) was never in trouble at school or anything - on the contrary, very well behaved and a "model student" as far as my teachers were concerned. I'm also capable of concentrating on stuff for long periods when I want to - I can get really absorbed and stuck on things sometimes. At other times, I can't concentrate at all - I can read a paragraph 10 times and still have no idea what it said. I also find it really difficult to listen to instructions, especially things like directions. I quite often interrupt people without intending to be rude.

I am good in situations where I have to respond in the moment - reactive situations where I just have to get on with stuff. I quite enjoy that kind of atmosphere, because it forces me to just get on and do what needs to be done. I really struggle with stuff where I have to discipline myself to get things done. I can make brilliant plans, but I struggle to execute them.

I get on well with others and have always been popular as a manager/rated well by my boss. I have always felt like I have to cover up the extent of my disorganisation, though. As a child, I struggled a bit with friendships in the early secondary years, though I did find my niche by the sixth form. As an adult, I have a few close friends, but I tend to be quite passive - I rarely initiate contact with them. I have been very bad at keeping in touch with people over the years, and deeply regret having lost contact with some very dear friends from the past. Again, this was largely down to the fact that I couldn't motivate myself to reply to their messages, emails etc. I am quite ashamed of this. It isn't that I don't care, because I definitely do - I just can't seem to activate myself.

I really struggled to sleep as a child, and I still struggle with this as an adult. I find it incredibly hard to wind down/switch off. Sometimes I get in my own way with this, by surfing the net when I'm supposed to be going to sleep, but the idea of lying there bored, just waiting to drop off, really does my head in. Sometimes, I put my phone on the other side of the room to keep it out of my way, but I just get bored and then get up to retrieve it.

Sometimes I think I might be depressed. I certainly feel very flat a lot of the time, but I wouldn't say that I don't experience fun or pleasure sometimes. My dd is a great source of joy, and I do like being a parent. I also enjoy time with friends, walking in the countryside etc. I don't feel that the world is dark, but I do feel very empty a lot of the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if it isn't some kind of neurodiversity or depression at all, and maybe I'm just incredibly lazy? Occasionally, I can get short periods where I have bursts of energy and motivation that enable me to get stuff done, but I am never able to sustain them. I wonder if I could if I just found a way of making myself do it? But how?

I hate living like this. I am wasting my time and my talents. I want to live a life that is rich and full and purposeful. I just don't know how to break through the inertia and activate myself.

Please be honest, what do you think is causing this? And how can I get out of it?

It sounds like there are definite markers for ADHD.

But you know we can’t tell you OP? Would you have an assessment?

Thank you @Rainbows89. I do know that people can't diagnose me on here, just looking for insights or opinions, I guess.

I would be happy to have an assessment, but I understand that my family would need to fill in a questionnaire etc. My parents don't believe anything is wrong with me because I got "perfect" exam results, was never in trouble etc. Only one of my friends has any real idea of the extent of my problems, because I've spent most of my life desperately trying to cover them up. My DH definitely sees the problems, but he is from a culture where neurodiversity isn't widely acknowledged or understood - he would never say it, but I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm just lazy. My dd definitely sees my problems, and is actually the best at helping me to manage them, but she is just a teenager so I doubt they'd take her observations into account.

Oh that’s tough. I think it’s ridiculous that they want to speak to parents plus with women they typically do well in earlier school years.

Well FWIW OP, it sounds like you have lots of markers!

I’m starting the assessment process myself soon but I’m in a different country so they won’t need to speak to my parents.

Good luck with it all.

Thank you @Rainbows89. I didn't know that about women in the earlier years.

Good luck with your assessment.

I think they want to speak to parents because the diagnostic criteria includes the fact that symptoms must have been present before the age of 12.

I am not qualified to comment on ADHD, but you sound incredibly driven, and incredibly hard on yourself. Whatever else might be going on, are you actually just exhausted from years of trying to perform at 110% all the time?

Predictable thing to write but could you afford a private assessment? I found someone specialising in diagnoses for the over 16s and was interested from the pov of suspected dyspraxia, in my 30s. None of my family members had to fill in anything prior to the appointment, I did quite a searching pre-session activity, questionnaire etc. My assessment was done in the Crawley Down area and my DH recommended the practitioner to another adult in a work context. They were approachable and could almost certainly offer advice or reassurance if you have things to ask.

You’ve described me, OP.

It’s exhausting isn’t it?

I hope you get some answers.

I tried to but my bitch of a mother took the whole questionnaire thing to be a potential judgment if her and lied her way through it.

Wishing you all the best

I have no idea about ADHD, etc. so I may be off the mark, but I would try and find some “external motivations” that give you at least one thing to do every day that happens at a specific time, if at all possible out of the house and in the morning.

So, meeting a friend, going to an certain class/activity, etc. because, in my experience, the less you do, the less you want to do, and the best way to start is to make a commitment that involves other people, as you are less likely to let other people down, it’s always easier to ignore commitments you gave only made with yourself.

You sound exactly like my DH who has just been diagnosed with ADHD at age 39.

Christ OP you have literally described me. Thank you for putting it all down so clearly. My life, so full of potential because I am bright, capable, is just dripping away while I sit and sit and sit and wonder why I cannot be arsed to pick the socks up from the lounge floor. For a week. Then burst into activity and clean the house in the half hour before someone visits. Or have three weeks to write a report yet end up doing it quite honestly in the final 12 hours of available time. It's exhausting being this indolent. I have kind of accepted this is how I am, but your post has reminded me that I'm not ok. Thank you. And good luck.

@neolara, that makes sense about the symptoms before age 12, but I'm not convinced that my parents will cooperate. They're lovely, but can't get their heads around the idea of ADHD being anything other than the "naughty boy" condition. Ironically, I suspect my mum might have it too. Does ADHD run in families?

@Squirrel26, I am hard on myself, and I guess I'm driven in some ways as I do have high expectations, but I don't think this is just burnout because I have always been like this. As long as I can remember, anyhow.

@Ormally, I don't know. I probably could afford a private assessment, but it feels like a bit of a luxury to spend my savings on this when we're already eating into them for our daily living costs. May I ask how much you paid for your private assessment?

@LaLaLandIsNoFun, I'm so sorry that you have the same problem. It is indeed exhausting, which is ridiculous when you consider that the problem is so often that I'm not actually doing anything. It's frustrating that your mother lied through the assessment. Did you end up not getting a diagnosis, then? I hope that you are able to find a way of managing it somehow.

A lot of this is similar to my experiences. I have ASD. The friend thing really rings a bell.

I could have written every word of your post OP.

I've recently been referred for adhd assessment by my GP (I'm in my late 40s).

Start the process.

@Anyonebut, you are right, I do commitments to other people much more seriously than I take them to myself. I need some sort of external accountability. Having one thing like this every day sounds like a good idea. I will give this some thought.

@ScaryMimeker, thank you, that's very interesting. Did he get his diagnosis via the nhs?

@awesomekillick, yes, you do sound very similar. I know that frantic tidying of the house before someone visits - lockdown has been a disaster for the state of the house as nobody ever comes to visit now! And yes, the important report that sits on a to-do list for weeks but doesn't get touched until hours before it's due - even if I try to start it earlier, I just sit and stare at the screen! And the bloody socks on the floor...!

This is exactly me, I've got an appointment with the GP this week to ask to be referred for an ADHD assessment. I'm a bit nervous about getting my mum to fill in the questionnaire because I don't think she saw anything to be concerned about and I'm pretty good at masking, also all my family show ADHD traits and I'm not sure they would recognise this as 'not normal'

Yes ADHD often runs in families.

There’s a book you might like called ‘you mean I’m not lazy, stupid, or crazy?’

This really resonates with me OP. I'm the same with the inertia and needing a deadline, looking like a proper adult on paper but bumbling along doing my own thing (or not!!!).

I've just begun the private assessment process. I've already had my screening session and a review of questionnaires I filled in. I was told this would initially screen to see if it's worth pursuing the full assessment session for one or both of ADHD and ASD.

Apparently my particular foibles and observable mannerisms heavily suggest ASD and some traits of ADHD but not enough to warrant a ADHD diagnosis.

There's quite a lot of good material online like tests to see whether it's likely ADHD, dyspraxia, ASD etc are present. I found these through looking at the mumsnetters with SN board.

My best friend is looking into this for herself, particularly the for Women angle, and there as no suggestion of parental input. Which is good because both her parents passed recently.
Parental input is not always required.

OP - I decided not to go ahead because I knew that a) it was going to be difficult without that info and b) I’d just come out of an abusive relationship and knew that he’d use anything he could to ‘prove’ that I’m a ‘shit mother’

Hugs to you

Sounds like me too (in fact, just preparing to stay up all night to write a uni essay). It’s an exhausting, stressful way to live. I’ve never really thought about ADHD- I always just assume I’ll get the hang of ‘being organised’ one day, but I’m starting to doubt it

It all sounds pretty normal to me, lots of people struggle with friendship at secondary school and put things off, many people are work to a deadline type. I’d say it’s just a personality type. Loads of people put the dentist and smears and paperwork off, you’re being very hard on yourself. The only part I think is a bit unusual is that you’re putting off finding a job, are you struggling for money? Perhaps these are all symptoms of adhd but if so I think there’s an enormous amount of people undiagnosed so I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself!

Another vote for possibly inattentive ADHD. Have a look at "how to ADHD" which is a great channel. Lots of great tips that I think are very helpful.
I've just been referred for inattentive ADHD and I'm mid 30s.

I see what you are saying. I thought further in between writing the message and wondered whether what you might need more is knowledgeable support rather than a diagnosis that can be a bit like a grenade in your life as it's 'knowledge' and data but not really any strategy that you haven't tried already. The ADHD was initially a slight surprise to me from the assessment (but makes perfect sense, sadly) - was expecting 'just' the dyspraxia opinion.

The current rate for that practitioner is approx £475 for a large and thorough variety of tests and markers - such as memory of various kinds, verbal ability, number and spatial related papers, etc. Some of them will be quite good to your ego - some not. It wasn't a frightening experience but was, I suppose, a sense of 2 extremes in a lot of cases.

In terms of work, I tried to go for something reasonably 'mundane' and multi-faceted, but part-time. There was a big technology element to it originally but I have been distanced from that more now, and it feels a bit frustrating, I would rather have it back as I feel I 'know' the way it works. However - I can still get overwhelmed and beaten down far more than is reasonable even from this. So I would probably say consider some personal (therapyish) support if you can, or at least try it short-term and see if it helps.

You've described me and I have an adhd assessment booked for next month. I'm submitting my school reports alongside comments from my dh (who is dubious about it, despite confirming I have many of the symptoms) and a friend. My school reports are depressing reading! I'm not asking my parents as they have other stuff going on and dont want to worry them

If nothing else I'm hoping to get a pointer to what else it could be. Because I do struggle more than others and I'm at the stage that I want that acknowledged.