Neurodiverse, depressed or just lazy...or maybe all three? Please help me to figure out what is wrong with me.

[paralysedbyinertia]

I just can't motivate myself to do anything. I'm completely paralysed by inertia and inaction. Please help me figure out what is wrong with me.

I'm struggling to even motivate myself to write this post. I wake up every day with such good intentions about everything that I'm going to achieve, and I then procrastinate to the extent that I achieve nothing. Literally nothing. I hate myself for it.

I have always been a massive procrastinator, I leave everything until the last minute. If I have an important deadline, I can usually get stuff done but only when I really, really have to. I find it so hard to get started on tasks - even easy ones like getting dressed or putting a load of washing on. Anything that requires more effort seems impossible. I just sit and surf the internet instead, or watch TV, or invent other stuff to do like have a shower, go for a walk etc.

I did extremely well at school, but even then, I really struggled to get stuff done. Could only write an essay if I stayed up all night before it was due. It was the same when I did my master's - I would stay up all night writing and then go to work on no sleep because I couldn't get myself to write anything until I was literally counting down towards the deadline.

I was made redundant last year, and I am really struggling to motivate myself to look for a job. I just can't get myself started. Sometimes I look and find jobs that look like a good match, but I just can't get myself into gear to write the application. I'm the main earner, so we're living off savings at the moment - I am worried that I am not going to find the motivation from within until we are getting to the point when we can no longer do this.

My house is a mess, and I really struggle to get stuff done. Even things like putting the bins out seems utterly overwhelming. I put things off until I really have no choice. Haven't been to the dentist or had a smear test for years. I once delayed doing my tax return for so long that I got a massive fine. This isn't normal, is it?

On paper, I look quite competent. I have excellent qualifications, a good track record in work, speak multiple languages, have done voluntary work etc. But I feel utterly incompetent and incapable of managing the normal stuff of everyday life.

I have often wondered about ADHD, but I'm not sure. Mentioned this to my mum a while ago, and she didn't get it at all. I know that I was a fidget as a child (my dad always commented on it) was never in trouble at school or anything - on the contrary, very well behaved and a "model student" as far as my teachers were concerned. I'm also capable of concentrating on stuff for long periods when I want to - I can get really absorbed and stuck on things sometimes. At other times, I can't concentrate at all - I can read a paragraph 10 times and still have no idea what it said. I also find it really difficult to listen to instructions, especially things like directions. I quite often interrupt people without intending to be rude.

I am good in situations where I have to respond in the moment - reactive situations where I just have to get on with stuff. I quite enjoy that kind of atmosphere, because it forces me to just get on and do what needs to be done. I really struggle with stuff where I have to discipline myself to get things done. I can make brilliant plans, but I struggle to execute them.

I get on well with others and have always been popular as a manager/rated well by my boss. I have always felt like I have to cover up the extent of my disorganisation, though. As a child, I struggled a bit with friendships in the early secondary years, though I did find my niche by the sixth form. As an adult, I have a few close friends, but I tend to be quite passive - I rarely initiate contact with them. I have been very bad at keeping in touch with people over the years, and deeply regret having lost contact with some very dear friends from the past. Again, this was largely down to the fact that I couldn't motivate myself to reply to their messages, emails etc. I am quite ashamed of this. It isn't that I don't care, because I definitely do - I just can't seem to activate myself.

I really struggled to sleep as a child, and I still struggle with this as an adult. I find it incredibly hard to wind down/switch off. Sometimes I get in my own way with this, by surfing the net when I'm supposed to be going to sleep, but the idea of lying there bored, just waiting to drop off, really does my head in. Sometimes, I put my phone on the other side of the room to keep it out of my way, but I just get bored and then get up to retrieve it.

Sometimes I think I might be depressed. I certainly feel very flat a lot of the time, but I wouldn't say that I don't experience fun or pleasure sometimes. My dd is a great source of joy, and I do like being a parent. I also enjoy time with friends, walking in the countryside etc. I don't feel that the world is dark, but I do feel very empty a lot of the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if it isn't some kind of neurodiversity or depression at all, and maybe I'm just incredibly lazy? Occasionally, I can get short periods where I have bursts of energy and motivation that enable me to get stuff done, but I am never able to sustain them. I wonder if I could if I just found a way of making myself do it? But how?

I hate living like this. I am wasting my time and my talents. I want to live a life that is rich and full and purposeful. I just don't know how to break through the inertia and activate myself.

Please be honest, what do you think is causing this? And how can I get out of it?

Thank you for writing this OP. You’ve described me perfectly. I’ve been feeling so guilty for not getting the simplest tasks done, yet have days when I can achieve so much. Sadly, the days of procrastinating far outweigh the ‘better’ days.

I’m very much like you and a lot of the pp. I’m a bit overwhelmed by the realisation. Unfortunately I’m only a few years off retirement so it’s a bit late for a diagnosis to make a lot of difference to my life. Following the thread for the replies.
Thank you for posting this.

OP, this is going to sound a bit off-topic but stay with me on this. I am going to recommend a blogger/podcaster/author called Dana K White who goes under the name ‘A Slob Comes Clean’.

I have been like every point you mention - and still am bad with replying to friends - BUT I can now keep doing stuff and getting things done and it is in large part down to these particular techniques that are mostly about getting in control of your house, but I end up applying to all sorts of things. I have been listening to her podcasts for four or five years and I have an ability now to work out how I can get tasks done and not get overwhelmed by them in a way I was never able to do the preceding 35 years of my life. Sounds bizarre but basically concentrating on doing the washing up every single day and not seeing everything as a project has massively massively changed things for me. Do not think I would have got my current job if I hadn’t changed like this.

She says a lot of people write in and ‘diagnose’ her with ADHD and/or say they have ADHD and can use her methods where others have failed.

I also find Gretchen Rubin’s ‘Four Tendencies’ categorisation really helpful - I’ve worked out I’m a ‘questioner’ and I can do things if I know why I’m doing them but if I haven’t quite worked that out for myself I won’t do it just because I’m supposed to or someone’s asked me to.

I think it’s time to really get to grips with yourself and how you work in an honest and NOT a disparaging way. When you say you achieve ‘literally nothing’ in a day, I’m pretty sure you’re wrong. I think you need to start encouraging yourself, and whilst you may find an official diagnosis of some kind is helpful, in the meantime I think a little self-compassion can go a long way. You may not achieve the things you feel you’re supposed to achieve or things you would feel ‘ordinary people’ would even see as achievements but I think you have to start bigging yourself up and congratulating yourself every time you do put the bins out/fill in part of a job application/book a dentist appointment etc. If these things are hard for you and you do them then celebrate each and every thing you do do.

Based on what you’ve said, I would suspect you are neuro-diverse and the redundancy has pushed you into this zone. I am Autistic, I was diagnosed in my mid 30s (a few years ago). I resonate with a lot of what you say - I suspect I have some ADHD traits/overlap. I find when I get really scared and overwhelmed that I do often just shut down. This can be a negative cycle that’s difficult to get out of.

One poster said their GP said there’s no point in being diagnosed as an adult? I disagree (with the GP). One of the best things about me getting diagnosed is that I feel...validated. That I finally understand that I am wired differently than most people (NTs) and that’s okay. It’s meant I give myself permission to rest, recover, say no to social events that would overwhelm me or just myself recovery time afterwards. Obviously there’s no meds for ASD but their can be for ADHD. Learning time management skills that would generally be innate for NTs but have to be learnt by neuro-diverse folks is something that can make a massive difference too. I don’t think this is laziness. I get a strong impression you want to do this stuff, but you’re paralysed.

Something that has helped me is keeping a diary/journal, I use bullet journaling but basically I write down the tasks I need to do. I still procrastinate a lot! But I’m better than I was. I went to a talk on neurolinguistic programming once (in a nutshell, think positive thoughts and positive things will happen). The guy said have a “to do” list with three things on it each day. It doesn’t sound like much but it is far more likely that you can get those done than a big, ambitious list. The morning after that talk I decided to tidy out a drawer that was a mess and I’d been meaning to sort for ages..found my engagement ring that I thought I’d lost and had been missing for months in that drawer! Anyway, I digress (that’s what I do!).

Yes, I think you should look into assessment. Your behaviours could be explained by neuro-diversity. Once you know you are, you learn how to manage it and eventually embrace it.

@paralysedbyinertia you have prompted me to locate a private assessor who I will - I WILL! - call tomorrow.

Once you get going on something, does the feeling of inertia usually improve? If I get the spade out and start gardening, or make the calls that I need to make, mostly there is some momentum for a few hours. I can get real enjoyment from the focus, and wonderful feeling of productivity, once I get started. Until I just drop the spade, leave it lying in the middle of the lawn, and go in and do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day, wondering where all that vavavoom went to.
Anyway I'll update on the assessment thing.

Another one here who feels like you were writing about me. This describes how I feel exactly.

My 11 year old DD has an ASD diagnosis and when I was finding out about it, I recognised so many things about myself. I have been considering trying to get a diagnosis but not sure whether it is worth it.

It's getting started with tasks that's the problem. I have to have a deadline or I get nothing done. I did a PhD and only managed to get through it because I would work solidly most of the day and night the day before I met with my supervisor each work. The rest of the time I did nothing. Now I'm a teacher which is better because each lesson is a mini deadline I have to work towards.

I swing between feeling like I'm just bone idle and need to get my act together and thinking that there's more to it and I need to cut myself some slack.

It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. Thanks for posting OP.

Just looking at your thread title IME it’s likely that anyone can be all 3 - with a caveat on the “lazy” classed as exhausted and overwhelmed.

Having your head fried and constantly whirring is exhausting and not seeing things through due to distraction, inattentive, dissociation and paralysing overwhelm gets nothing done and you feel a failure - get depressed, let others down and feel shamed - which is a negative feedback loop triggering the brain whirring, worrying and despair again.

Maybe start with baby step habits. Your first goal might be to get showered and dressed before 9 each day.

See it you can do that for a week.
The following week add in a walk with someone else before lunchtime.

Etc.

I think it gets worse as we get older because we burn out. Life can get more complicated and your head more cluttered.

I think the longer you keep treading water pretending to be normal (exhausting) and approaching life in fits and starts (like doing HIIT) it’s just too tough. I think anyone with ADHD just can’t pace very well - not lazy because often we try far too hard for far too long.

We need adaptations, self compassion, coping strategies and acceptance of limitations and celebration of strengths.

I do have adhd.

You sound a lot like me where you are constantly ON but at a low level. The long periods of demotivation come from fatigue...is it lack of sleep, diet, avoiding emotions, over promising? As long as I keep these in balance I am generally able to get stuff done.

If you have an external goal break down either the individual actions or the stages to achieve it. For things with less clear goals make them more fun instead.

Also try and be flexible, if the goal is a tidy house and sitting on your phone is making you run out of time, either adjust the goal to fit i.e. get up and do 10 mins of housework, or change the approach i.e. make a list on my phone, put a song on, or set a loud reminder.

Having break activities like a walk, exercise etc. also helps it feel less like activities are all swimming into each other.

I'm going to use my add diagnosis to not bother to read all the answers, but you could've been talking about me too.

Diagnosed 5 years ago.

Get a copy of Russell Barkley's - Taking Charge of Adult ADHD. Life changing. Also has a 100 odd questions in the back for you to ask yourself, very similar to the actual diagnosis tool the psychiatrist used.

I got something like 94 out of 98 as "frequently" or "constantly".

Good luck OP, give yourself a break, and explore. I've found it life changing taking medicine for it, but also pretty unsettling.

A few tears shed over what I might've achieved If we'd know 40 years ago.

Btw, depression is extremely common in these groups, mostly from the exhaustion of masking and compensating. Be very gentle with yourself, and if getting a formal diagnosis helps with your DH, as a by product, that's great. I do tend to feel that I should be grateful because mine puts up with me, but know I should value myself more.

I'm also convinced that eventually they'll find a way to link adhd, all sensory issues, and autism, because I see so many cross over symptoms within our families and friends.

Loads of good feedback and advice on here.

Here's one of the things that makes me suspect I have ADHD.

On FB I'm a member of a couple of groups for female entrepreneurs/freelancers. One is specifically for women with ADHD, the other is not.

When the women in the ADHD group talk about their work life, their challenges, their mornings, their worries, etc, I feel like I've found my people.

When the women in the non-ADHD group talk about the same things, I realise I'm a total outsider. Recently they talked about their morning routines. It was all about getting up early, and journalling, and affirmations, and herbal tea, then diving into their planned, targeted, structured work routines that they've developed for themselves.

My morning is about getting enough of a dopamine hit to get me out of bed sometime before 10am (on a good day), getting to my desk quick before the motivation to start work disappears completely, skipping breakfast because that would just totally divert me, making the most of any hyperfocus that happens, and accepting that there will be days when I'm too exhausted/unmotivated to do anything.

I'm actually surprisingly successful using my way of working, but I really struggled with working for others - I'm much better at working for myself. Last year I made about $80k working my own odd way.

Once you start thinking about yourself as someone with ADHD, it becomes easier to accept the things you're bad at, make the most of things you're good at, and stop wasting your time wishing you could be different.

I have made an appointment thank you OP for inadvertently triggering that. I'm finding this thread helpful.

A lot of OP's description resonates with me. I had vaguely wondered about dyspraxia with my organisational skill and gross motor skill, but a lot of ADHD resonates. DS1 has diagnoses of dyspraxia and ASD, (DS2 is also scatty and very much like me) and after 10 years of motherhood and having to think in triplicate for children who are slow to develop independence, I feel worn.

I've been slow to adapt to transition points. A-levels, uni and work were flashpoints. I get there in the end. Teaching had a good balance of frequent external deadlines and creativity. My attention span is off or turbo and it's like a gear is missing in between. At school, I'd doodle but clearly paid attention... writing it down was tedious though.

Lockdown has been bloody awful for my ability to function. I need variety, social time and alone time and I've not been fed with any of that stimulation and got stuck in a passive, numb mode. It's also thrown up some sensory stuff; I do have auditory processing issues diagnosed at 17.

At this point I can't see a great practical benefit in diagnosis. I know I'm not inherently lazy, I like doing stuff, but get overwhelmed and feel guilt. A lot of the time, I feel like my head is full of butterflies!

It does sound like a description of ADD. I have it too. It is exhausting to live with. And yes, we are a herd of massive under-achievers.

Stuff I find that helps:
Take tyrosine supplements - they boost dopamine which is the neurotransmitter that gets things done. Low dopamine can lead to depression especially of the kind that can barely be bothered to do anything.

Make ALI (At Least I) lists. You will be surprised that you actually did loads of small pottering things but not systematically. This morning I was beating myself up for achieving NOTHING yesterday - did no work at all (self-employed) when there was a stack to be done. Just lounged on MN all day. But ALI list showed I had done a load of laundry, folded another, changed DCs bedding, made morning tea and porridge for DH, made a proper cooked healthy lunch for DH and me, gone for a 1.5 hour walk (relevant as need to lose weight), written in diary, logged food on MFP, fed cat and birds, done some light housework, cleaned the kitchen, helped DS word an email, ordered some necessary stuff online etc etc.

Most of the day was unproductive, but that list helped me feel like I contribute to the family. Do ALI lists every day instead of to-do lists.
You will be surprised to find you did do stuff. Just not systematically. And not what you intended to do.

You're not lazy. Lazy people don't care that they are unproductive. They see it as a win if they do nothing all day.

Another person who recognises herself in your description here! (Except I don't think I am fidgety - at least I wasn't as a child).

Another issue I have is that important decisions can leave me feeling emotionally crippled for days. And it’s like I have too much empathy.
Yes! Actually even decisions that seem irrelevant to other people can have this affect and certain decisions or things said still make me feel bad years later. Everything has to be done lastminute and that has caused me no end of problems, especially at work. As I get older it actually seems to be getting worse not better. I also think my dad has adhd but my parents don't believe in it!

Echoing the same feelings here! I notice that my actions and achievements are also very much motivated by other people's needs. When it's purely something I need/for my benefit then it's practically paralyses me.

ZZTop... yes to this...almost to the hour! Then breakfast around 11 when suddenly I'm famished, but can't face it if I'm not.

"My morning is about getting enough of a dopamine hit to get me out of bed sometime before 10am (on a good day), getting to my desk quick before the motivation to start work disappears completely, skipping breakfast because that would just totally divert me, making the most of any hyperfocus that happens, and accepting that there will be days when I'm too exhausted/unmotivated to do anything.

I'm actually surprisingly successful using my way of working"

It seemed to be a sweet spot of success - and enjoyable too, actually- when I was studying. In the workplace, it's been a recipe for burnout within about 2-3 years. I sometimes wonder whether I was simply lucky that the degree I did was 4 years, the third one doing a placement on something completely different, so didn't ring a warning alarm.

You don't have to have parents input for an adult ADHD/ADD referral. What happens to people that don't have any contact with people who knew them as a child? They just get dismissed? No of course not. Try Psychiatry UK OP.

Oh yes I meant to add that I didn’t have parental input. My Mum had passed away when I had my assessment and my Dad...my Dad is a wonderful man, but he worked long hours with a commute when I was young and I wasn’t sure he’d find it easy to answer a lot of questions about my childhood, plus he has health problems and I didn’t want to stress him out. I had my assessment on my own. It was fine. I am articulate enough to talk about my own childhood, I knew which milestones I hit and which I lagged on etc so it was sufficient information to get the assessment done.

You have literally just described me perfectly. This is my constant daily struggle and I only ever seem to be productive when I feel 'the fear' as I like to describe it or when I'm really interested in something (where I can become a bit obsessive).

OP,

It took me decades (now in my fifties) to realise it's fine to be as we are. We don't do that well in structured neurotypical environments and for that reason I felt for years like I was a massive underachiever. But once I worked for myself, all was well. I set my own hours. I build deadlines in that work for me, so the work is steady but rarely stressful. I focus only on what I am good at and reject contracts that involve things I struggle with.

I now have a niche role that I love. I get good feedback. It's reasonably well paid. It's very different from most people's idea of success, but I'm happy and part of the reason I do well in this job is that it suits someone who is neurodiverse, not neurotypical. There is a reason nature chucked us into the mix. We are worthwhile, we do contribute to society. Just not in the way most people do.

Oh God, this is me. I could have written this exactly but you know, didn't because I'm watching TV while surfing the net even though I have loads to do around the house.

Who is good to go to for a diagnosis?

OP are you me?
I am 53. I was a high flyer at school - much was expected of me. I was 'a good girl' - never in trouble etc.
I ALWAYS left my homework etc to the last minute and I was the same throughout A levels and university.
I became a teacher and was always planning lessons and writing reports at the last minute.
I had a complete burn out as a teacher and had 3/4 years as a SAHM before going back into the job market as a TA.

My house is a tip. I CANNOT keep it under control. I KNOW what needs to be done but I just CAN'T and when I do have an absolute blitz (before visitors etc) it comes as a huge surprise that it needs doing AGAIN a few days later......
An example it the following story - In order to clean our family bathroom I usually put the things that live on the sink outside the door. One day I was cleaning the bathroom and went off to put the towels in the laundry basket. This led to me taking laundry to the washing machine............ 4 HOURS later I wandered past the bathroom, saw the pile of stuff and wondered who the fuck had made that mess.........

I have a million craft projects going at once and flit from one to another.
I am FOREVER making lists, reading about marvellous organisational strategies - my kitchen door is an homage to the Organised Mum system for example - fabulous laminated sheets to tick off.
BUT I just CAN'T.........

A day at work exhausts me to the point that once I get in I can just about provide food for the troops before the evening is a write off.
And I look at everyone I know winning at adulting and I feel such a failure - my cousins are all hugely successful, driven and motivated, my step siblings are all successful etc. I have friends with marvellous careers and spotless houses and well turned out children and I just CAN'T.

I have 2 teenagers - both with ASCs and my DD has ADHD as well. My Dad is an undxed Aspie (He's 80 so it wasn't as known then so he was just considered 'odd')
I frequently fill in online quizes about ADHD and ASD and usually get the 'you might want to investigate further' result. My GP is not interested because I 'function well enough'

My mother is disappointed in me, has been all my life.

I'm disappointed in me too.
On one hand I'd like to know if there was a 'reason' for the epicness of my shitness but in reality I just want to know HOW to be better at life.

Sorry OP - got carried away and rambled a bit.....

My house is a tip. I CANNOT keep it under control. I KNOW what needs to be done but I just CAN'T and when I do have an absolute blitz (before visitors etc) it comes as a huge surprise that it needs doing AGAIN a few days later......
An example it the following story - In order to clean our family bathroom I usually put the things that live on the sink outside the door. One day I was cleaning the bathroom and went off to put the towels in the laundry basket. This led to me taking laundry to the washing machine............ 4 HOURS later I wandered past the bathroom, saw the pile of stuff and wondered who the fuck had made that mess.........

@JeffVaderneedsatray - I could have written this word for word.

Placemarking as this I relate to absolutely everything in the OP. Reassuring to know there are others in the same position!