Neurodiverse, depressed or just lazy...or maybe all three? Please help me to figure out what is wrong with me.

[paralysedbyinertia]

I just can't motivate myself to do anything. I'm completely paralysed by inertia and inaction. Please help me figure out what is wrong with me.

I'm struggling to even motivate myself to write this post. I wake up every day with such good intentions about everything that I'm going to achieve, and I then procrastinate to the extent that I achieve nothing. Literally nothing. I hate myself for it.

I have always been a massive procrastinator, I leave everything until the last minute. If I have an important deadline, I can usually get stuff done but only when I really, really have to. I find it so hard to get started on tasks - even easy ones like getting dressed or putting a load of washing on. Anything that requires more effort seems impossible. I just sit and surf the internet instead, or watch TV, or invent other stuff to do like have a shower, go for a walk etc.

I did extremely well at school, but even then, I really struggled to get stuff done. Could only write an essay if I stayed up all night before it was due. It was the same when I did my master's - I would stay up all night writing and then go to work on no sleep because I couldn't get myself to write anything until I was literally counting down towards the deadline.

I was made redundant last year, and I am really struggling to motivate myself to look for a job. I just can't get myself started. Sometimes I look and find jobs that look like a good match, but I just can't get myself into gear to write the application. I'm the main earner, so we're living off savings at the moment - I am worried that I am not going to find the motivation from within until we are getting to the point when we can no longer do this.

My house is a mess, and I really struggle to get stuff done. Even things like putting the bins out seems utterly overwhelming. I put things off until I really have no choice. Haven't been to the dentist or had a smear test for years. I once delayed doing my tax return for so long that I got a massive fine. This isn't normal, is it?

On paper, I look quite competent. I have excellent qualifications, a good track record in work, speak multiple languages, have done voluntary work etc. But I feel utterly incompetent and incapable of managing the normal stuff of everyday life.

I have often wondered about ADHD, but I'm not sure. Mentioned this to my mum a while ago, and she didn't get it at all. I know that I was a fidget as a child (my dad always commented on it) was never in trouble at school or anything - on the contrary, very well behaved and a "model student" as far as my teachers were concerned. I'm also capable of concentrating on stuff for long periods when I want to - I can get really absorbed and stuck on things sometimes. At other times, I can't concentrate at all - I can read a paragraph 10 times and still have no idea what it said. I also find it really difficult to listen to instructions, especially things like directions. I quite often interrupt people without intending to be rude.

I am good in situations where I have to respond in the moment - reactive situations where I just have to get on with stuff. I quite enjoy that kind of atmosphere, because it forces me to just get on and do what needs to be done. I really struggle with stuff where I have to discipline myself to get things done. I can make brilliant plans, but I struggle to execute them.

I get on well with others and have always been popular as a manager/rated well by my boss. I have always felt like I have to cover up the extent of my disorganisation, though. As a child, I struggled a bit with friendships in the early secondary years, though I did find my niche by the sixth form. As an adult, I have a few close friends, but I tend to be quite passive - I rarely initiate contact with them. I have been very bad at keeping in touch with people over the years, and deeply regret having lost contact with some very dear friends from the past. Again, this was largely down to the fact that I couldn't motivate myself to reply to their messages, emails etc. I am quite ashamed of this. It isn't that I don't care, because I definitely do - I just can't seem to activate myself.

I really struggled to sleep as a child, and I still struggle with this as an adult. I find it incredibly hard to wind down/switch off. Sometimes I get in my own way with this, by surfing the net when I'm supposed to be going to sleep, but the idea of lying there bored, just waiting to drop off, really does my head in. Sometimes, I put my phone on the other side of the room to keep it out of my way, but I just get bored and then get up to retrieve it.

Sometimes I think I might be depressed. I certainly feel very flat a lot of the time, but I wouldn't say that I don't experience fun or pleasure sometimes. My dd is a great source of joy, and I do like being a parent. I also enjoy time with friends, walking in the countryside etc. I don't feel that the world is dark, but I do feel very empty a lot of the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if it isn't some kind of neurodiversity or depression at all, and maybe I'm just incredibly lazy? Occasionally, I can get short periods where I have bursts of energy and motivation that enable me to get stuff done, but I am never able to sustain them. I wonder if I could if I just found a way of making myself do it? But how?

I hate living like this. I am wasting my time and my talents. I want to live a life that is rich and full and purposeful. I just don't know how to break through the inertia and activate myself.

Please be honest, what do you think is causing this? And how can I get out of it?

This all rings so familiar. I could written many of the paragraphs in these posts.

Useful was the comment above that it’s easier to do things for others than yourself.... perhaps that’s why my worst fears of motherhood never came to pass (I had such anxiety when pregnant - I knew in a way that all but my partner didn’t, that I could barely look after myself, how was I going to manage a child?)

It’s a sobering moment when you realise. This is coming as such an enlightenment moment.... I don’t know whether to feel sad or relieved.

Now that I understand, I can try to strategise better.... but I’ve been fighting this for years... so I guess I want to know... do the meds work?

And I still have a little voice in my head going: what if you were just never brought up taught these adult organisational skills? What if you really are just lazy and feeble.

It’s the way it makes you so ineffectual, that’s what I hate the most.

An ND mothers topic would perhaps be really useful?

@Cowbells I'm interested in you being self employed. I've often thought of it, but worried I wouldn't do the legal stuff properly eg tax etc. My friend and I want to start something but I'm worried about letting her down.

[quote JSL52]@Cowbells I'm interested in you being self employed. I've often thought of it, but worried I wouldn't do the legal stuff properly eg tax etc. My friend and I want to start something but I'm worried about letting her down. [/quote]
Is your friend any good at that stuff? If so have her take it on. Or hire someone to do it for you. Running a business is about focusing on what you're good at, but not running yourself ragged trying to do the things you're not good at.

When I went self-employed I went to a local government-run small business development group to find out what I should be aware of in terms of legal stuff, taxes, etc. They could also refer me on to people who could help small businesses with this stuff.

I've learnt that with legal and tax stuff it's not worth trying to wing it especially if you have ADHD tendencies.

@Cowbells

OP,

It took me decades (now in my fifties) to realise it's fine to be as we are. We don't do that well in structured neurotypical environments and for that reason I felt for years like I was a massive underachiever. But once I worked for myself, all was well. I set my own hours. I build deadlines in that work for me, so the work is steady but rarely stressful. I focus only on what I am good at and reject contracts that involve things I struggle with.

I now have a niche role that I love. I get good feedback. It's reasonably well paid. It's very different from most people's idea of success, but I'm happy and part of the reason I do well in this job is that it suits someone who is neurodiverse, not neurotypical. There is a reason nature chucked us into the mix. We are worthwhile, we do contribute to society. Just not in the way most people do.

Yes - thank you, I totally agree.

I have two teens with ADHD. They're both amazing. I suspect I have it too, and actually I'm amazing on occasion. (I can be a bit shit too, but can't we all?)

A recruitment consultant just emailed me about a senior project manager job. These days I know to say no to that sort of thing. It'll only end in tears.

I am so grateful for all of these posts. I am reading and re-reading every one. It is such a relief to know that I am not alone in feeling like this, and there are so many helpful insights from people with so many different perspectives. I have already bought and started reading one of the books that has been recommended.

It has taken me a while to come back to the thread, not because I haven't been thinking about it, but because I went into total "overwhelmed" mode as a result of all of the lovely replies. Someone sent me a very kind and helpful PM also, which I haven't yet managed to reply to. I want to reply properly to those who have so kindly taken the time to post, and I feel really guilty for not acknowledging people properly. I hope that you will all understand that this is a part of my problem and not a reflection of the value that I place on all of your input.

It has been quite an emotional journey reading all of the posts, realising that I probably do need to seek a diagnosis and wondering how different things might have been if I had sought help many years ago. How much more could I have achieved? And how different would life have been if I hadn't spent so many years beating myself up for my inability to get myself together. Then again, what if it turns out that I don't have ADHD at all, what if they just tell me that I'm lazy and lacking in self discipline, as I have always suspected. I feel a strange mixture of gratitude, relief, sadness, anger, hope, fear....

I do have some specific questions that I wanted to ask of certain posters. I will come back and ask when I can get my brain sufficiently into gear to do so, but in the meantime, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has shared their thoughts and experiences on this thread. Your posts are really helping me to work through where I might go from here.

@ZZTopGuitarSolo thanks. Some things to think about.

Thank you for starting this thread OP and thanks to everyone who has posted. This is me, and I'm so very grateful for all the book recommendations and advice.

I think you are being incredibly hard on yourself and you have achieved lots - you studied hard at school, got good grades, had a good career, got a family and are beating yourself up as you lots your job and now feel worthless.

I think this is perfectionism and depression mixed. I think firstly you need to stop judging yourself so harshly, it maybe after years of working flat out you needed a break. Moving forward it could be counselling and / or an antidepressant may help. I would also set yourself small tasks to achieve each day which are realistic and focus on what you have achieved not what you haven't. Send e-mails / texts to friends you haven't been in touch with and say sorry for being so bad at contacting you but wanted to see how you are and a bit about your family.

A bit of exercise can help even if its just 5-10 minutes a day. It could be you are neurodiverse but I don't think how you are is that uncommon at least amongst people I know but many of them take antidepressants to function though I've never found them helpful. An empty feeling is generally depression.

Hope you start feeling better soon.

I don't think you are lazy at all, if you were lazy you wouldn't have achieved what you have and you wouldn't be worried about it. Also a lot of people that are 'lazy' are actually depressed or have other problems rather than just can't be bothered as idle.

My dd has diagnosed adhd inattentive type plus also diagnosed asd (both as an adult). I score highly on inattentive adhd online tests.

I think it could be you have inattentive adhd with co morbidities of low self esteem and depression/low mood/maybe anxiety The adhd resulting in the others?

I'm very similar and never considered it as anything to be concerned about. House is never cleaned- then someone is coming over and it's a frantic attempt- although juts means all the crap is hidden in drawers. I don't do anything before I go to work. Get up, couch and Netflix, get ready for work. Can't say I'm 'happy' but I'm not sad- just neutral. Always leave things to the lag minute to complete- and usually manage to by the skin of my teeth. Never seen it as a diagnosable issue.

@paralysedbyinertia, I am also very impressed by your description of me! When I can get my shit together, I will be pursuing an assessment. It's so disheartening to feel like such a child in an adult's body, in my late forties. It seems like the more I have to do, the less I can motivate myself to do it. I hate myself for wasting each day and for not being able to just do the things that need to be done.

It has been quite an emotional journey reading all of the posts, realising that I probably do need to seek a diagnosis and wondering how different things might have been if I had sought help many years ago. How much more could I have achieved? And how different would life have been if I hadn't spent so many years beating myself up for my inability to get myself together. Then again, what if it turns out that I don't have ADHD at all, what if they just tell me that I'm lazy and lacking in self discipline, as I have always suspected. I feel a strange mixture of gratitude, relief, sadness, anger, hope, fear....

I just watched my teen daughter go through the process of getting diagnosed. To me it was totally obvious that she has ADHD - but she felt like she would be accused of being lazy, making things up, trying to get help that she didn't really need. Her sense of relief when the psychiatrist validated her experiences and feelings was amazing.

And now I'm going through the exact same set of feelings. Her psychiatrist recommended that we get assessed, as ADHD is so genetic, and her brother also has it, and I have so many signs of it.

BTW I'm working my way through The Adult ADHD ToolKit Book, as recommended by DD's psychiatrist, and it is very practical and helpful.

I recognise myself here. I would CConsider a private consultation, but worried DH just thinks I am lazy.

Wow OP. Other than a couple of details I could have written your post entirely. I haven't read the full thread but will definitely look at some of the recommendations.

I hadn't even considered ADHD at all as I suppose I know absolutely nothing about it except that it's what 'naughty kids' at school used to have, but will definitely educate myself more now.

I always thought I had that perfectionist thing where I procrastinate because I want everything to be completely perfect before I start eg have a plan, feel well rested. But it ends up a form of self sabotage because I end up leaving whatever I need to do till the very last minute and complete it under extreme stress and pressure.

I'm expecting my first child in a few months and I'm so scared this will affect my ability as a parent. Things like not being organised about laundry etc or feeling overwhelmed at the smallest of tasks, how can I be like this with a newborn who relies on me for every little thing? And am I just making excuses for myself being inherently lazy? I don't know but I'm so sick of being like this.

I can identify with everything you say about lack of motivation, sitting staring, taking forever to do one task, then can do all these tasks in one fell swoop another day!

I'm not high achieving, no degree, fairly average. Do most things at the last minute, work far better under pressure. Struggle with concentrating, hard to stay focussed. I wouldn't say I had ADHD, but I'd like to know what I do have

I identify so much with a lot of what you and other posters have described here. I was very academic at school so never raised any real concerns even though I was always last minute with homework and tasks. I could wing it until A-Level where I massively underachieved as I just couldn’t get away with not having done the required prep. I also underachieved or performed in other areas where I had a lot of potential but never managed to apply myself sufficiently to achieve things.

I’m not sure what happened in the next 3 years - I’m still trying to work it out - but I was diligent and extremely organised throughout my undergraduate degree and got a 1st class award. I was the picture of organisation: prepared, on top of tasks and deadlines, did extra reading in advance etc. During this time I was living with a partner who I was not particularly happy with so I don’t know if I used my course work as a bit of an avoidance tactic so I didn’t have to fully engage with him and our relationship issues. I was chaotic in some other ways during this time (volunteered for a committee role with a sports society and ended up getting thrown off because I didn’t do anything despite best intentions).

Then I started a phd which in hindsight was the worst career path for me as academia relies so much on self discipline and motivation. I left my previous partner and met my DH and this seemed to enable me to slip back into previous ways of being massively avoidant in my work. I somehow managed to complete my PhD; unsurprisingly I handed in my thesis on the last possible day even though I’d known about the deadline for the previous 4 years. The last month of the phd was the most stressful of my life because I was terrified of failing but I also needed that terror to force me to actually write the bloody thing.

I somehow managed to get a job and in the 10 years since my PhD I have definitely not achieved what I should have done but I’ve come to realise that I do have pockets or periods of time where I can do things well or be sort of organised but it’s not consistent. I have mainly realised that my resources are very easily used up - so I can manage at work ok if my personal life is not very demanding of me in this respect but this isn’t the case since having DCs and if home life is busy and chaotic (which it invariably is with small children and juggling work etc) then I am almost incapable of performing adequately at work. I spend a lot of my energy trying to cover up issues j have created or things I haven’t done for no good reason at all other than I couldn’t bring myself to do them.

This probably won’t have helped you at all - I have just written a rambling post about myself and not given any useful advice - but maybe we can all feel a bit less alone.

Oh and if it makes anyone feel any better, I am just about to issue a load of refunds for clothing that I had sold on eBay - I was so proud of myself for FINALLY managing to take pictures and list the items - but I have not managed to organise myself to parcel them up and get to the post office in the past two weeks to actually post the items in question so now I have to refund everyone. I feel like this is a perfect illustration of the ridiculousness of my every day life - why didn’t I just do it? The effort of listing everything has now been totally wasted. I genuinely have no idea of the answer.

Some more examples of things I can’t or have really struggled to do, now I think about it:

• Getting ready for each day is an enormous task that I rarely manage (my goal is to eat breakfast, have a wash and get dressed myself every day, put on very simple make up that takes 5 mins). I manage all of this maybe once a week, the rest of the time I can only do some of those things. Occasionally none.
• I am pregnant again and am feeling exhausted; have had it confirmed that I have very low iron, prescribed supplements. Cant manage to take them though, I don’t know why. It takes 2 seconds. I have had the prescription for maybe a month and have only managed about 4 doses. I feel incredibly guilty that this could be harming baby in some way and yet I still can’t take it every day, I don’t know why.
• I enquire about items on Facebook marketplace in an attempt to save money and stick to a budget etc but I sent too many enquiries about various items to which I then never reply to messages because I get overwhelmed so I have ended up banned from Fb marketplace which is a PITA as it means I can’t sell anything locally anymore.
• I find it almost impossible to eat healthily, I know what I need to do and eat but just can’t. The consequences of poor eating (weight gain, future health problems) are too far in the future to have any immediate impact on someone like me who needs the terror RIGHT NOW to force me into anything

I am so frustrated with myself. This list could go on and on; no one including my DH knows the extent of how much I struggle on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel motivated to tackle my issues and other times I just feel like giving up.

Yes you sound as if you definitely have ADHD but why do you need the label?

The only person who can change things is yourself and you can start from the understanding that you have this label if it helps you!

There is no point in introspection on this level as it is preventing you from doing with all this focus on thinking.

Self criticism is only good for the soul of it is positive minded.

Be happy with your achievements and see little steps such as tidying up as big achievements and then you can develop a positive mindset instead of a negative one.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed so start small and time yourself say 1 minute of tidying to start with to break the procrastination process.

Try it and when you have managed a week of 1 minute tidy sessions try 2 minutes. Success is the thing that brings people out of procasti nation so try it. Don't overload!

My middle dd was diagnosed with ADHD as a young adult (19).
My oldest is now going for assessment for ADD at 26.
I suspect that I probably have those traits as well.
Go private. 2 year wait on NHS for even the first appt

I know everyone always suggests getting a specific ADHD assessment on MN but I have heard some ridiculous stories of the amount of time some of you have had to wait.

Disgusting keeping people waiting.

Anyway my point is that I was referred during a usual initial CMHT appointment a few years ago.

My other point is that for some reason many GPs are very dismissive of ADHD and there is often a long wait (it seems) but CMHT appointments have to be within a certain time frame (I believe).

The other benefit of this is that they may be able to advise on any other conditions that you may have as well.

Hello me! What an eye opener. Thank you everyone for posting. It is all just so overwhelming isn’t it?

It is all just so overwhelming isn’t it?
Not now because I got diagnosed a long time ago but back then I remember all the hassle when I wasn't best placed to deal with it.

Bloody hell I got my Computer Science degree because I got diagnosed as I never would have been able to do it before.

I'm absolutely the same. I'd write more but will have to come back as it's 6.25am and I've not slept yet because I'm meant to be writing an essay but can't get myself to do it or to stick to a normal sleep routine 🙄

This thread has been in my mind since you wrote it OP as so much resonates with me and it's been quite an eye opener. I ended up having a huge discussion with dh the other night about it and he can see how it rings true.

We have 2 children together, one diagnosed nuerodiverse and one that we have suspected ADHD over the years. My dh has been flagged up as ADHD years ago and advised to go for an assessment but chose not to. So it has been easy to just think it's come through him.

But it has been quite a revelation that I may fall into this category too. If not, then I am certainly showing a lot of the markers mentioned on this thread and it would explain quite a lot in my life. I'm not sure I would like to go down the assessment route though.

I have been thinking about things I have been putting in place lately to help me with some of these behaviour and wondered whether it would be useful for those on this thread to share some tools they have too, whether you decide to go for a diagnosis or not?

Ive realised I need a bit of routine and simplicity in life. I seem to have actively followed quite a chaotic life (maybe because that matched my chaotic brain?) and actually what I need are simple routines, tidy uncluttered spaces and little tools that help me stay out of overwhelm. I seem to get overwhelmed so easily. And fill my life up with so much but then achieve little as the overwhelm sends me into shutdown mode.
It's like I plan a million different things then get paralysed with it all and do none of them well.

I have found a cleaning app which has helped me get on top of the house a bit more. And I have tried to block off jobs. So instead of looking a the whole thing, I stop and do what I need to do (be on here or something else that is my 'lazy' mode) then I get up and do just one job. Just one. Then I can sit down again. I tend to find that easier. Like each job has been blocked off. I don't have to do it all. Just one thing.

And yes, to the idea of saying I will wash just one plate. When I was studying an intense 3 year course a few years ago I would be able to get started by just saying.."i will go upstairs and get my books out. That's all. Then I will just read the first question. Then, jot down a few notes..." it really helped me to not feel overwhelmed by the whole job.

But i know I have blocks. I run my own business and things like the admin and the tax returns and all that I find overwhelmingly difficult and wonder if I am cut out for it. Life admin too. I find it all so overwhelming. But, I know deep down I am good at the main part of what my job is (not related to admin) so it's a necessary evil. How does anyone else manage this? Is it a case of getting other people to do that part of it? I worry that getting an accountant means I'd have to be MORE organised so they could make sense of it. So, i end up muddling through.

Anyway, this thread has really opened my eyes. And helped.