Neurodiverse, depressed or just lazy...or maybe all three? Please help me to figure out what is wrong with me.

[paralysedbyinertia]

I just can't motivate myself to do anything. I'm completely paralysed by inertia and inaction. Please help me figure out what is wrong with me.

I'm struggling to even motivate myself to write this post. I wake up every day with such good intentions about everything that I'm going to achieve, and I then procrastinate to the extent that I achieve nothing. Literally nothing. I hate myself for it.

I have always been a massive procrastinator, I leave everything until the last minute. If I have an important deadline, I can usually get stuff done but only when I really, really have to. I find it so hard to get started on tasks - even easy ones like getting dressed or putting a load of washing on. Anything that requires more effort seems impossible. I just sit and surf the internet instead, or watch TV, or invent other stuff to do like have a shower, go for a walk etc.

I did extremely well at school, but even then, I really struggled to get stuff done. Could only write an essay if I stayed up all night before it was due. It was the same when I did my master's - I would stay up all night writing and then go to work on no sleep because I couldn't get myself to write anything until I was literally counting down towards the deadline.

I was made redundant last year, and I am really struggling to motivate myself to look for a job. I just can't get myself started. Sometimes I look and find jobs that look like a good match, but I just can't get myself into gear to write the application. I'm the main earner, so we're living off savings at the moment - I am worried that I am not going to find the motivation from within until we are getting to the point when we can no longer do this.

My house is a mess, and I really struggle to get stuff done. Even things like putting the bins out seems utterly overwhelming. I put things off until I really have no choice. Haven't been to the dentist or had a smear test for years. I once delayed doing my tax return for so long that I got a massive fine. This isn't normal, is it?

On paper, I look quite competent. I have excellent qualifications, a good track record in work, speak multiple languages, have done voluntary work etc. But I feel utterly incompetent and incapable of managing the normal stuff of everyday life.

I have often wondered about ADHD, but I'm not sure. Mentioned this to my mum a while ago, and she didn't get it at all. I know that I was a fidget as a child (my dad always commented on it) was never in trouble at school or anything - on the contrary, very well behaved and a "model student" as far as my teachers were concerned. I'm also capable of concentrating on stuff for long periods when I want to - I can get really absorbed and stuck on things sometimes. At other times, I can't concentrate at all - I can read a paragraph 10 times and still have no idea what it said. I also find it really difficult to listen to instructions, especially things like directions. I quite often interrupt people without intending to be rude.

I am good in situations where I have to respond in the moment - reactive situations where I just have to get on with stuff. I quite enjoy that kind of atmosphere, because it forces me to just get on and do what needs to be done. I really struggle with stuff where I have to discipline myself to get things done. I can make brilliant plans, but I struggle to execute them.

I get on well with others and have always been popular as a manager/rated well by my boss. I have always felt like I have to cover up the extent of my disorganisation, though. As a child, I struggled a bit with friendships in the early secondary years, though I did find my niche by the sixth form. As an adult, I have a few close friends, but I tend to be quite passive - I rarely initiate contact with them. I have been very bad at keeping in touch with people over the years, and deeply regret having lost contact with some very dear friends from the past. Again, this was largely down to the fact that I couldn't motivate myself to reply to their messages, emails etc. I am quite ashamed of this. It isn't that I don't care, because I definitely do - I just can't seem to activate myself.

I really struggled to sleep as a child, and I still struggle with this as an adult. I find it incredibly hard to wind down/switch off. Sometimes I get in my own way with this, by surfing the net when I'm supposed to be going to sleep, but the idea of lying there bored, just waiting to drop off, really does my head in. Sometimes, I put my phone on the other side of the room to keep it out of my way, but I just get bored and then get up to retrieve it.

Sometimes I think I might be depressed. I certainly feel very flat a lot of the time, but I wouldn't say that I don't experience fun or pleasure sometimes. My dd is a great source of joy, and I do like being a parent. I also enjoy time with friends, walking in the countryside etc. I don't feel that the world is dark, but I do feel very empty a lot of the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if it isn't some kind of neurodiversity or depression at all, and maybe I'm just incredibly lazy? Occasionally, I can get short periods where I have bursts of energy and motivation that enable me to get stuff done, but I am never able to sustain them. I wonder if I could if I just found a way of making myself do it? But how?

I hate living like this. I am wasting my time and my talents. I want to live a life that is rich and full and purposeful. I just don't know how to break through the inertia and activate myself.

Please be honest, what do you think is causing this? And how can I get out of it?

OP, you may find this recent thread useful in terms of how to seek an ADHD assessment (if you decide you want to).

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/4207358-I-dont-have-ADHD-so-what-the-hell-wrong-with-me

I feel some gratitude that you have written this, because I struggle with all the same things.

Procrastination, faffing, low level flatness and blues. The exhaustion of the landscape on intentionality in which I live.

I’ve never considered ADHD. My mother was low level depressed I think for most of her adult life, and some things I can see I’ve just taken from her.
Also, my mother was a heavy drinker when I was a child... probably alcoholism. I know she drank (not very heavily but regularly) when she was pregnant with me, and even though from the outside I can get away with seeming like a fairly well functioning professional, with a full life, friends, etc.... I sometimes wonder whether my executive functions haven’t been impaired by my (now late) mum’s drinking.

Another issue I have is that important decisions can leave me feeling emotionally crippled for days. And it’s like I have too much empathy.

Go talk to your GP, OP. I was diagnosed three years ago after years of knowing there was something wrong but not quite knowing what.
I was also worried about the early history aspect of it. I don't have the kind of relationship with my DM to ask her. I'd already decided I was going to lie and say my mum had dementia if they asked. I know that probably sounds awful but I was feeling desperate. In the end it was all self-reported. Although TBH i was ok until i went to uni (which I think, especially for women, is not unusual).
My advice is read as much as you can about ADHD in women, and note down how you see it applying to you. Then take that to the GP and ask for a referral.
Good luck!

I don't have any insight as to what it could be, but just wanted to say what you've described is me 100%, so you're not alone.
I have found some ways to manage things a bit better though.
The procrastination, I realised, was down to anxiety. For example, if I had to do an assignment I'd feel overwhelmed at everything that needs to be done, and then I'd worry that it wouldn't be done right, and I wanted to get it perfect. So I'd put it off for another time, because right now I'm too tired/not feeling motivated/too busy with other stuff/insert any other excuse.

Fast forward to now...I'm doing a professional qualification while looking after a baby with very little family help and I've just submitted an assignment a few days before deadline. That would never have happened in the past. What helps me is to break down things into really small bits, while talking to myself like you would to a small child. So if I thought I was too tired to do any work after baby had gone to bed I'd tell myself "Ok, you don't have to do much, just turn on the laptop and write one paragraph, that's all."
Similarly..."Just go and wash one plate, you don't have to do the rest" or "Just turn the shower on, that's all".
Once you've taken that small initial step, you end up just doing the thing that needs to be done. Then you feel good about that, which helps you do the next thing.
Starting the day with loads of good intentions doesn't work because then you get overwhelmed and anxious about achieving it all, so you procrastinate, then you feel bad, and it's a vicious cycle. Just pick one thing you want to do (say, to do the washing) and aim to do the first step towards achieving it (pick up the washing basket).

You'll still have bad days but just accept it for what it is. I've accepted that there will be weekends when I barely move from the sofa or shower...I just say to myself "Ok, today was a write off. It happens. It won't be like that forever."

I hope some of this is helpful...it won't work for everyone, but maybe it will for you. A diagnosis might help but it won't be a miracle cure.

This is my life.

It is exhausting being mentally hyper and physically hypo.

I have also had bouts of depression and I also recognise “dissociation activities” - hyper-focus ending up in on-line rabbit holes researching something and then realising it’s 3am and I am wired and tired. And then can’t sleep.

It’s got worse as I have got older - and I recognise the lack of personal self care.

The stress of clutter in my house and leaving everything to the last minute was a sort of self sabotage which I think for me is also related to complex PTSD from challenging childhood.

Now I “have dropped the rope” on myself as I was the only one stressing myself out. I need some self compassion, to take the critical mental load off myself - so that there is some relief and mental capacity freed up to start self care v slowly.

My DH describes my paralysis as “self inflicted task terror” - so everything overwhelms me. So I have given myself permission / instruction not to beat myself up (there have been plenty of people in my life who have already done enough of that).

When I was a child (pre Internet) it was obsessive reading and school work where I could “hide”.

I also need others to commit to things - and I get out of the house to exercise with others each day. Have just finished C25K which for me is spectacular. That’s all about minute increments ..... and doing it with others as PP have said.

Thank you for this post - I know this is one of my issues - I will get a diagnosis and then play to my strengths - like you I am brilliant on a reactive crisis situation and motivating and inspiring others or in creative ideas / planning - just can’t do plod routine etc - so I just need to re-jig my life to play to my strengths and avoid my weaknesses.

Flip it an see your gifts.

@TheRuralLife89

I do similar stuff. The just wash one plate really resonates.

But ding you find having to do THAT stuff is also quite exhausting? It helps, but everything seems like so much effort. All the damned time.

This sounds very much like me. I think I have got worse during lockdown which has prompted me to wonder if there is an underlying reason for it.

I have achieved nothing today. Absolutely nothing. Could have done so much. working from home; didn't do any work. But also didn't tidy the house, make dinner, go for a walk, read a book. Nothing.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun Yeah, definitely everything is an effort. But I've accepted that this is just how it's going to be. I don't want to be diagnosed, if even there's anything "wrong" with me to be diagnosed with, or take medication (just my preference, there's nothing wrong with meds per se), so that just leaves me with lifestyle and habit changes. And after a while it all becomes habit so it feels like less effort.

I was diagnosed with adhd recently and they never spoke to my parents and my oh filled out the informant section for me. I did it through right to choose and it took 6 weeks from referral to assessment. There are loads of screening tests online which can give you an indication as to weather you would need an assessment.

My ds has just been diagnosed with adhd (inattentive) via uni at age 21 and the things you describe sound very familiar. A good friend sent me a book - better late than never - written by a woman who was diagnosed mid 40's. It is often genetic. As for your dp's not filling anything in, they should be able to assess you without - think about those who don't have parents to refer to.

Look at Dr Russell Barkley on YouTube. He has some very interesting lectures esp the one about time blindness.

I relate to everything you wrote in your OP. I have ASD but I've always wondered if I have ADHD too.

Oh gosh. Now I'm feeling overwhelmed by all of these wonderful responses! Thank you all, there are lots of very helpful insights here. I am going to work through the comments slowly.

I'm sorry that so many other people recognise these feelings.

Another one here who also recognises a lot of herself in what you have written!

I did very well at school, but have always been a procrastinator, serially disorganised (although capable of applying organisation to my work - just not my life!), always late, etc. I was one of the brightest in my school, which I think masked a lot of issues I had. There were certain subjects where I always had a complete and utter mind-block - and it is something I’ve also found since starting work... certain concepts or structures I just cannot seem to get my head around, and it is unbearably frustrating, because I know I’m bright and just cannot understand why I can’t get it!

I would never have thought about ADHD, except my son has just been diagnosed, and my husband suspects he also has it (but has never had a diagnosis). I also think it highly likely my Dad had it too (he is not around for my to test that theory).

In a way, it’s sort of nice to know there might be a reason behind feeling like a constant failure (although, I’m not really? I just feel like I can’t achieve what I think I ought to be able to achieve) - but I don’t think it impacts me enough to seek a diagnosis now. If I were to do anything, it would probably be counselling / life coaching to see if I can change my thinking / perception, or teach me some new strategies.

You sound exactly like me!! I could have written the same post.

Text book ADHD (inattentive type).

Thanks op. It's an unexpected relief to read about someone so similar to myself. I actually wondered if someone who cared about me was writing pretending to be me to work out how to help me? (I wish!)

None of my friends are like this. It feels like a private shame. Except it's sort of public because I can't always mask the lack of achievement or the utter mess in which I live.

I'd be interested to know what the benefits of diagnosis are, from anyone who has got one? I definitely don't want medication. Various things, including a misspent youth and experience working with medicated kids has put me off pharmaceuticals.

I accidentally trained in a career that is really incompatible with adhd. I'm wondering how to make the best of that mistake.

You sound just like me; XH left me because I was ‘lazy’. Yet when I do voluntary work, I’m known for being the hardest worker. I’ve always thought of it as anxiety/depression.

I could have written this, it's so sad. Having my ADHD assessment next month. Good luck.

Hi OP, what you're are problems with Executive Functions which is common in neurodiverse people but could happen to anyone. Some people seem to absorb these skills naturally but for others they need identifying and practicing like any other skill. I've hopefully attached a little infographic, does it look familiar at all? If you Google Executive Functions you should find lots of information to support you. Best wishes.

OP, youve started the thread Ive been trying to motivate myself to do for weeks. Im really annoyed at myself today, as I've wasted an entire weekend sitting on the couch watching TV and surfing the net. I had plenty of big plans to go out, do nice stuff. Ive done and achieved absolutely nothing.

I've only read the op as I could have written it! I always put it down to depression/laziness/being odd but after having issues with DD a colleague suggested that I look at the symptoms of adhd (we work with a lot of children who have asd and/or adhd, I'm very familiar with asd but not adhd) and as I was reading the symptoms of a child I realised I could have ticked every box as a child myself, then the adult list was the same. I have my primary assessment next week having called the doctor a few weeks ago to see if I could get assessed. Still waiting on support for DD who I spoke to the HV about in November

This does sound like classic adhd.

Danni Donovan's comics summarize so.e if the struggles really well: twitter.com/i/events/808796572716765185?s=09

I found getting a diagnosis to be really liberating. It's helped me shed a lot of the shame that I'd accumulated over a lifetime of underachieving. I'm much more forgiving of myself and that's made it easier to cope with life in general.

My parents didn't really believe in adhd, but they didn't need to, they just needed to answer the questions honestly.

It is strongly hereditary and I definitely get it from my dad. He doesn't agree, he thinks "all kids are like that". He is wrong!

I’ve just done an online screening test, and I was plumb in the middle of the range for ADHD.

It’s something I know nothing about - I had a notion it involved a lot of fidgeting! - but it makes complete sense. Maternal drinking / smoking when pregnant can be a contributory factor, both of which my mum did.

I too was a straight A student, until I got to Uni, and have been completely undistinguished since then.

At the age of 46, would a proper diagnosis do anything for me? Not keen on the idea of meds, but I can maybe explore and try to manage issues such as time blindness, etc

I’ve learnt a lot from this thread, so thank you.