Neurodiverse, depressed or just lazy...or maybe all three? Please help me to figure out what is wrong with me.

[paralysedbyinertia]

I just can't motivate myself to do anything. I'm completely paralysed by inertia and inaction. Please help me figure out what is wrong with me.

I'm struggling to even motivate myself to write this post. I wake up every day with such good intentions about everything that I'm going to achieve, and I then procrastinate to the extent that I achieve nothing. Literally nothing. I hate myself for it.

I have always been a massive procrastinator, I leave everything until the last minute. If I have an important deadline, I can usually get stuff done but only when I really, really have to. I find it so hard to get started on tasks - even easy ones like getting dressed or putting a load of washing on. Anything that requires more effort seems impossible. I just sit and surf the internet instead, or watch TV, or invent other stuff to do like have a shower, go for a walk etc.

I did extremely well at school, but even then, I really struggled to get stuff done. Could only write an essay if I stayed up all night before it was due. It was the same when I did my master's - I would stay up all night writing and then go to work on no sleep because I couldn't get myself to write anything until I was literally counting down towards the deadline.

I was made redundant last year, and I am really struggling to motivate myself to look for a job. I just can't get myself started. Sometimes I look and find jobs that look like a good match, but I just can't get myself into gear to write the application. I'm the main earner, so we're living off savings at the moment - I am worried that I am not going to find the motivation from within until we are getting to the point when we can no longer do this.

My house is a mess, and I really struggle to get stuff done. Even things like putting the bins out seems utterly overwhelming. I put things off until I really have no choice. Haven't been to the dentist or had a smear test for years. I once delayed doing my tax return for so long that I got a massive fine. This isn't normal, is it?

On paper, I look quite competent. I have excellent qualifications, a good track record in work, speak multiple languages, have done voluntary work etc. But I feel utterly incompetent and incapable of managing the normal stuff of everyday life.

I have often wondered about ADHD, but I'm not sure. Mentioned this to my mum a while ago, and she didn't get it at all. I know that I was a fidget as a child (my dad always commented on it) was never in trouble at school or anything - on the contrary, very well behaved and a "model student" as far as my teachers were concerned. I'm also capable of concentrating on stuff for long periods when I want to - I can get really absorbed and stuck on things sometimes. At other times, I can't concentrate at all - I can read a paragraph 10 times and still have no idea what it said. I also find it really difficult to listen to instructions, especially things like directions. I quite often interrupt people without intending to be rude.

I am good in situations where I have to respond in the moment - reactive situations where I just have to get on with stuff. I quite enjoy that kind of atmosphere, because it forces me to just get on and do what needs to be done. I really struggle with stuff where I have to discipline myself to get things done. I can make brilliant plans, but I struggle to execute them.

I get on well with others and have always been popular as a manager/rated well by my boss. I have always felt like I have to cover up the extent of my disorganisation, though. As a child, I struggled a bit with friendships in the early secondary years, though I did find my niche by the sixth form. As an adult, I have a few close friends, but I tend to be quite passive - I rarely initiate contact with them. I have been very bad at keeping in touch with people over the years, and deeply regret having lost contact with some very dear friends from the past. Again, this was largely down to the fact that I couldn't motivate myself to reply to their messages, emails etc. I am quite ashamed of this. It isn't that I don't care, because I definitely do - I just can't seem to activate myself.

I really struggled to sleep as a child, and I still struggle with this as an adult. I find it incredibly hard to wind down/switch off. Sometimes I get in my own way with this, by surfing the net when I'm supposed to be going to sleep, but the idea of lying there bored, just waiting to drop off, really does my head in. Sometimes, I put my phone on the other side of the room to keep it out of my way, but I just get bored and then get up to retrieve it.

Sometimes I think I might be depressed. I certainly feel very flat a lot of the time, but I wouldn't say that I don't experience fun or pleasure sometimes. My dd is a great source of joy, and I do like being a parent. I also enjoy time with friends, walking in the countryside etc. I don't feel that the world is dark, but I do feel very empty a lot of the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if it isn't some kind of neurodiversity or depression at all, and maybe I'm just incredibly lazy? Occasionally, I can get short periods where I have bursts of energy and motivation that enable me to get stuff done, but I am never able to sustain them. I wonder if I could if I just found a way of making myself do it? But how?

I hate living like this. I am wasting my time and my talents. I want to live a life that is rich and full and purposeful. I just don't know how to break through the inertia and activate myself.

Please be honest, what do you think is causing this? And how can I get out of it?

And I have tried to block off jobs. So instead of looking a the whole thing, I stop and do what I need to do (be on here or something else that is my 'lazy' mode) then I get up and do just one job. Just one. Then I can sit down again. I tend to find that easier. Like each job has been blocked off. I don't have to do it all. Just one thing.

This is what I CAN'T do. I see the whole house and it overwhelms me. DH tries to help me see it as smaller tasks but I just see the entirety of it and it overwhelms me to the point of tears.
When I was a SAHM it was much easier - I allocated a day to each 'section' and kept on top of it.
Since going back to work I have struggled - I think I put so much energy into functioning at work that I have nothing left.

I got up this morning with the intention of stripping the bed, washing the sheets and tidying the bedroom............
I am still on he sofa.........
I can't even motivate myself to make myself another cup of tea....
I talk myself through the task, what each step will be and then.......
Nothing.

Yes, its hard. I am still in my bed if it makes you feel better. I did get up and put a wash on though. Then got back in.
I have great plans for this morning which include having a shower and washing my hair (long dreads so take ages to dry), shaving my legs, doing my eyebrows....on and on and on. And I can't face doing any of it now. Because it seems overwhelming now.

And my son wants to go to the park to see his friends which i have to arrange as we live rurally. And, i have the plasterer coming tomorrow. And..and..and! It's all too much. So here I am on here and doing nothing. But i suppose I liked the PP saying a list of what I've done. I have made the coffee earlier. Caught up with a friend on messenger. And put a wash on.

I just need to plan my next (small) move

I recognise myself so much in this thread!
My undergrad dissertation is due in at 5pm tomorrow and I've only written 10% of it. I'm on my second extension and there's no more wriggle space, I HAVE to get it in or the last four years of study will have been for nothing and I won't qualify. I'm paralysed with anxiety
I messed up my first uni degree course 20 years ago by dropping out instead of writing my diss after getting top marks throughout the course, I'm so exhausted with my own inertia.
Anyway just wanted to say I understand and you're not alone. I better go write this bloody fucking thing anyway, I've got a long hard 30 hours ahead of me!

"Yes you sound as if you definitely have ADHD but why do you need the label?

The only person who can change things is yourself..."

Well. This might be a long one.

I hate labels. Fortunately I haven't had many, but don't seek them out. At least half of my mind would rather not have this one.

Before the age of diagnosis, mid-30s, my self-knowledge would have said that I was academic, quite practical, good in a crisis, great at being responsible, especially around people who were not naturally like this. The straight As and the very good degree were enough proof, surely, that I was one to watch? The feedback of unflappable, good in a crisis, that kind of thing?

Except there was undeniably the side that screws up by losing keys, credit cards, tickets, having 7 driving tests over about 16 years with no apparent improvement, a very weak pair of ankles since forever, that can really get derailed by anything un-coordinated (that is, everything). The side that books a workman because they didn't read the manual to simply reset the cooker clock. The very slow progress at reading clocks altogether (hindsight of age about 4, but not gone and forgotten). The CV that I have been terrified of for a while, because the short-term jobs doing everything, some great but all in a relatively illogical sequence, seems to me to say 'job hopper. Easily bored. Flouncy. Not committed' - when in fact, seriously, I am one of the most loyal and dedicated people when I feel it's worth it, but I'm 'too responsible' (so they sometimes say). Every change (of boss, for example) can take you back to square 1, sometimes distraught and panicking. Is it worth putting in the effort to combat this? Yes, and there are some (very unremarkable) things that can help, but does it work even a little bit? Not really. My skills may never change much. Clues for them could have been seen in 3-year old me, and they still won't really get over the wall to the average person's. It is frustrating and I am ashamed of it.

I heard a lecture from neurodiverse people recently. One said 'You may experience my disability mildly, but I don't, necessarily. You experience this because I have gone out of my way to cover it up.' They were absolutely right.

So in terms of 'only you can change it' - not sure that is true. Not to the extent that you will have peace of mind, unless you hide at a cost to yourself. But you can, perhaps, change your view of yourself and validate yourself and the strengths and talents the neuro soup conveys as well, and some data and support for this (so where to concentrate your efforts more usefully, perhaps) is the start of proper self-help and self acceptance that comes from your own inner experience of your own struggles.

I almost feel as if I have to 'ambush' myself with tasks - make no plans about it but just strip the bed and then I get into the groove of the task but see it through step by step and it seems too much!

• And it is maybe worth saying that I went for the diagnosis thanks to 2 colleagues, older than me, who saw it first. Or maybe, saw through it first, that is, the mask I was trying to keep up to work. One was an expert in the spectrum field. I resisted them for a long time because, 'what difference would it make now?' The wondering, and the fact that I had not managed to hide so well with them and they were good to me anyway, drove me to it eventually.

JeffVader yes, I can see that too. I went through all these steps in my head of having a shower and all the extra overwhelming stuff and I was paralysed with inaction. But after writing my last post, I thought fuck it and thought I'll just get out of bed make it then get back on top. But once I was up I just kind of caught myself off guard if you like and went and had a shower. Shaved my legs but none of the other stuff. But that's okay. I'm now back on my bed , but it's made and I'm showered and dressed.

Yesterday so I could actually get out the door, I had to just get up and put my clothes on. The thought of showering was the block.

Just got to sit for a bit then plan my next move. I have a friend who has a great saying "JFYD!" "Just Fucking Do It" for when she feels like this. It doesn't have to be perfect (which is one of my issues) it just needs done. I think that's what has stopped me keeping in top of the house in the past. I couldn't possibly do the job to the high standard needed, so I just didn't do it all. But sometimes just doing it to the best that I can at that moment is good enough. That really helps.

JFDI

@JeffVaderneedsatray

And I have tried to block off jobs. So instead of looking a the whole thing, I stop and do what I need to do (be on here or something else that is my 'lazy' mode) then I get up and do just one job. Just one. Then I can sit down again. I tend to find that easier. Like each job has been blocked off. I don't have to do it all. Just one thing.

This is what I CAN'T do. I see the whole house and it overwhelms me. DH tries to help me see it as smaller tasks but I just see the entirety of it and it overwhelms me to the point of tears.
When I was a SAHM it was much easier - I allocated a day to each 'section' and kept on top of it.
Since going back to work I have struggled - I think I put so much energy into functioning at work that I have nothing left.

I got up this morning with the intention of stripping the bed, washing the sheets and tidying the bedroom............
I am still on he sofa.........
I can't even motivate myself to make myself another cup of tea....
I talk myself through the task, what each step will be and then.......
Nothing.

I am like this. I write lists and put everything on it, but broken up.So not "washing". But "wash whites" "hang up whites" "wash colours" "hang up" "take down" "sort" "put away". I usually end up with an intimidatingly long list this way which can be offputting. So I normally then mark with a star the really really vital things (stuff like paying electricity bill) and make myself do those first. Sometimes I also number them in a rough order of priority. This is normally Sunday. Left over tasks I then assign to days for the rest of the week (on post-its). I don;t normally get through all the tasks I give myself but I do the most important ones and so keep my head above water. And it SOUNDS like a ridiculously over organised way of doing things but its literally the only way I can.

*normally the first thing on the list is "make list" because then I get to cross it off almost straight away. But of course I can add to the list later as I think of things.

But to add - "talking myself through" the task doesnt work. I have to actually break it down and write it down. Or my brain muddles it. Plus the sweet sweet endorphin release of crossing something of.

Oh, and I have a "fuck up budget" - money thats mentally assigned to fuck ups. So if I get locked out of the house and need to pay a locksmith, if I lose my purse with 20 quid in, if I am ridiculously late going somewhere and need to hire an uber. I mean, I try very hard not to do these things, but if I do then knowing it comes out of the "fuck up budget" makes me feel less awful (because beating myself up counter-intuitively makes me less organised in future rather than more)

@Breathmiller - you sound very similar to me. After many years of struggling, I have outsourced everything that I can - I have a cleaner come twice a week despite living on my own and, although I am capable of doing my own tax return, I have decided it is preferable to pay someone to do it as they nag me to give them the necessary paperwork.

@TheMatryoshka - get off Mumsnet and try to get something (anything) in for tomorrow. You can do it! I speak as someone who had to pay £££ for same day binding of my MA in order to meet the deadline. I am currently procrastinating on here rather than writing an essay for my current course.

Sounds like me and Im sure I have ADHD although never got a diagnosis. My ds has though. I think also adhd can lead to depression because you constantly feel useless and behind with everything.

Hi op, can I just say, even without a diagnosis it may be worth looking at coping and managing strategies for people with adhd. I am filling in the forms (putting off and procrastinating about the forms) for a diagnosis, but in the mean time recognising the features in myself and using appropriate coping strategies has really helped manage it.

@Luckyelephant1 Please don't think you'll be a bad parent. I had similar worries but when I had my DD I was able to just get on with things. She is actually one of the factors that helps me stay organised. Before I had too much free time so I ended up wasting a lot of it. Now I know there are only small windows of time when I can get things done, so I

Oops posted too early. I meant to say now that there's less time available to waste I just do what needs to be done. There are still bad days but DD gives me focus. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you end up feeling like you're not coping though.

I could have written pretty much every word of your OP. I have just managed to have a conversation with my GP who has agreed to refer me for assessment.