Any downsides to not changing your surname after marriage?

[BrimfulOfBaba]

I'm getting married in a few months and finally getting around to thinking about the surname situation - I'm a woman marrying a man, for background.

I had known since I was young that I wanted to keep my surname no matter what - absolutely no judgement on anyone who chooses differently, it's just what feels right for me.

However would there be any problems if I had a different surname to any future children? DP is vehemently opposed to double barrelling any future kids and as he picks his hills to die on carefully I'd like to respect this.

I could double barrell mine. I just want to know if it's worth all the paperwork. And does double barrelling work if only one of you does it? I don't want my current surname to become a middle name.

Problem with double barrelling is remembering to use it. Some of the people I know with double barreled end up dropping one half when they introduce themselves, give their surnames for bookings etc. I chose not to double barrelling mine because I know we are likely to end up dropping the more complicated surname in 90% of situations

However would there be any problems if I had a different surname to any future children? DP is vehemently opposed to double barrelling any future kids and as he picks his hills to die on carefully I'd like to respect this.

If he's the one objecting to double-barrelling then isn't the obvious solution that any children have your name?

Give your future kids your surname. Nothing says it has to be the man's name - your DP can change his

I kept my surname. Never had any problems. DC have my chosen first name and DH’s chosen surname which I think is fair. I did try double barrelling (after the wedding, before DC) and it was such an inconvenience, I only lasted a couple of weeks before I went back to my own surname and I decided not to burden my future DC with a double barrel.

"However would there be any problems if I had a different surname to any future children? DP is vehemently opposed to double barrelling any future kids and as he picks his hills to die on carefully I'd like to respect this."

Give the children your surname then.
I feel very strongly that women should keep their names and pass them on to their children.
If the father doesn't want the children to have two surnames, his surname can be a middle name.
Do not relegate your own surname to middle name, though.

Mime is double barreled from birth and I didn't change mine on marriage.

Absolutely no downsides at all, apart from the fact you might get comments from misogynistic wankers.

As suggested above - if your DP doesn't want to double barrel, then give the kids your surname, surely? My sister got married, kept her surname and her daughter has our surname..... job done.

Give the DC your name.

I kept my birth name.

DC have their father’s surname (I wasn’t bothered which they had, and neither name is IMO noticeably nicer than the other)

There’s been no administrative bother at all,

But

• you’ll probably have to get used to answering to their surname too, as IME only about half of school/activity staff are diligent enough to check let alone remember parents’ names
• you may need proof when travelling internationally that the DC are allowed to cross borders with you (copy of full-form BC? letter from non-travelling parent?)

Neither of those is complicated, nor are they annoying unless you let them become so

No issues.
Surnames of kids, multiple options:
They take your surname

They take his surname

You Double barrel anyway

You use both surnames on birth certificate but only use one for everyday eg Baby Smith Jones known as Baby Jones

You use one surname as a middle name

Some kids have your surname, some his eg boys his, girls yours or 1st kid, yours, second kid his

You invent a new family surname which you both use for things to do with kids and kids have as their surname

You unite your surname eg Smith Jones becomes Smines or Joith. Kids take that and you keep original surnames

In our family my parents married, mother changed name and I was born Phillipa Smith

In DH’s family his parents had different surnames of which MIL’s is much nicer so DH became David James Pratt Jones with Jones his surname but FIL’s surname Pratt as part of his name.

Our three children
Millicent My middle name Jones
Milo Smith family name Jones
Maud my middle name Smith

So my two living children Milo and Maud have different surnames which is not an issue.

I didn't change my name and in nearly 30 years of marriage there's only been one issue. I more or less got accused of child trafficking when travelling with my two secondary school aged sons once, as our names are different.
Oh there was one other. At an event that my DD was in, a request went out for Mrs X to attend the First Aid tent and it took about 3 calls before I realised they were asking for me. In fact I joked to a friend saying I wonder why they want my MIL and then it clicked and I went dashing off.
But other than that no issues.

I kept my surname. Hasn’t caused me any issues. I’ve once or twice been called Mrs DH surname by teachers, because that’s the name the kids have, but never had any other issues with it.

I really wish I had double barrelled the kids though.

I kept mine, no regrets. But I gave my children his name. I do regret this. A lot.

No regrets keeping my own name. I wish I'd double-barrelled the kids though (poor sods).

I didn't change my name upon getting married, and our DCs have DH's surname. I can't really remember my rationale behind this, but I was quite young and I think I just went with what I considered to be the 'norm' at the time. If I had my time again, I would certainly have a deeper conversation with him about this, but more out of principle than anything.

That said, having a different surname to my children hasn't caused any notable issues. In correspondence with their schools over the years, I've always referred to myself as "Ms Husband's surname", I suppose just to avoid any confusion from their end.

I did have a bit of a situation several years ago when I'd taken the DCs to France on my own. I was questioned about the differing surnames on the return journey into Dover, but my explanation was accepted. Interestingly, nothing was queried on our way out to France.

@iVampire

I kept my birth name.

DC have their father’s surname (I wasn’t bothered which they had, and neither name is IMO noticeably nicer than the other)

There’s been no administrative bother at all,

But

• you’ll probably have to get used to answering to their surname too, as IME only about half of school/activity staff are diligent enough to check let alone remember parents’ names
• you may need proof when travelling internationally that the DC are allowed to cross borders with you (copy of full-form BC? letter from non-travelling parent?)

Neither of those is complicated, nor are they annoying unless you let them become so

These are the only things I can think of too. I kept my Swedish name, kids have my husbands English name as mine is so complicated and I always have to spell it out. If we had any plans living in Sweden we might have given them my name or double barrelled.

I always bring a copy of the kids birth certificates when traveling with them alone to show we are related.

Kept mine. DH kept his. No issues in nearly 20 years (apart from family not understanding that women can actually keep their names and sending cheques made out to someone that doesn’t exist).

DD has DH’s surname and mine as a middle name. (Double barrelling would have been a real mouthful.)

I’ve travelled alone with her all over the world since she was a few months old with no issues. She loves that she has both names and says she will never change hers.

DD’s school just call me by my first name. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Zero issues.

Tbh I suspect there are so many parents at my kids school who are unmarried in the first place that they didn't bat an eye.

My kids have DHs surname - it's snappier than mine and I double-barrelled sounded bananas. So I'm the only one with my surname.

But I kinda like being different and having my own identity of my very own. And I like that my kids are going to grow up learning at first hand that it's only an option, not a cultural expectation.

I had an issue at Heathrow once (out of many times traveling alone with the children). Oddly only related to one child,not the other. Advised to have a copy of Birth Certs just in case.

Confused a bank in Germany.

That's it. I generally use DHs name for everything now. But wish I had put my name on DDs name (as a middle name, not double barrelled).

Thanks! I had heard about the crossing the borders issue so it's good to be reminded. I had also heard if your child ends up in ICU you may have to prove you're family?

My preference would be for future kids to have DP's surname, for various reasons including cultural. So maybe DP and I need to revisit the double-barrelled kids idea.

Actually, thinking about it, it would be fairest. Also DP and I are from different cultures (I'm Indian, he is English) and it would be nice for both heritages to be reflected.

I kept mine and double barrelled DC. No issues as yet, and saved myself a load of admin. With cheques these days being scanned through an app, I've never had any issues paying any with DH's surname on into the joint account.
What does your DP have against double barrelling the kids names? Maybe it is his hill to die on, but that surely doesn't mean he doesn't need to justify his opinion?

Zero issues here and I've been doing it for 13 years!
Take a photo of their birth certificates and keep them on your phone camera roll in case you ever get asked. I'm asked maybe 1/5 times we travel and a photo suffices

No reason to do a load of admin unless you want to. Husband can change if he likes. So many unmarried parents now that kids with different names not an issue.

If your child is in hospital, their parents names are on his admission.

You may have to show ID initially at the door of ICU but that's because ICU is often super restricted access and that would apply for all NOK of all patients.

Would he take your name on marriage? This is getting more and more common - I know three couples who have done this, for no reason other than that her name was nicer!
If not, keep your name and give it to your children too. If you end up splitting up in future (hopefully not!) the children will likely live with you so makes sense for them to share yours.
I understand your DH's opposition to double barrelling. I know it's not the same everywhere, but the region I live in it's really only somewhat 'posh' people who do this. 'Poshness' is generally not viewed well here - it's quite rare! However, I get that this isn't the case everywhere.