Any downsides to not changing your surname after marriage?

[BrimfulOfBaba]

I'm getting married in a few months and finally getting around to thinking about the surname situation - I'm a woman marrying a man, for background.

I had known since I was young that I wanted to keep my surname no matter what - absolutely no judgement on anyone who chooses differently, it's just what feels right for me.

However would there be any problems if I had a different surname to any future children? DP is vehemently opposed to double barrelling any future kids and as he picks his hills to die on carefully I'd like to respect this.

I could double barrell mine. I just want to know if it's worth all the paperwork. And does double barrelling work if only one of you does it? I don't want my current surname to become a middle name.

My DD has my surname.
I added DH to mine when we got married so I'm
Double barrelled
My DD hasn't got her DFs name because he's an absolute tool.

I kept my surname so hers wouldn't be the only different one in the house.

@GameofPhones

No problem, except that my husband was embarrassed on introducing me to other people.

Wow I hope he's gotten over it??

I don't think double barrelling is the answer and every child with a double barrelled name I know, eventually ditches it. I also find it's always the woman who takes the double barrel, not the man. So it seems silly to me.

Agree with others, get used to school etc referring to you as Mrs Child's name if you choose to give your child DH's name. We did. DH had suggested girls my name, boys his, but I didn't want the hassle. I get more issues from not taking his name than from having a different name to the DC. Agree that travelling with birth certificates is sensible (my mum likes to remind me of the days when kids were just in the parent's passport - I do feel parental responsibility could be added to a child's passport).

Only other slightly amusing one is that when I sign kids up to things I have to remember to tell the organiser that the children are not the same name as me as otherwise the turn up on the register as DC Triffid!

There’s a really ugly history to the changing of names (and religion) of Indian women and their children when marrying English men.

For that reason alone I would insist on keeping my own name and ensuring the children retained their maternal surname in whatever combination suits your own family best.

I double-barrelled my name and I do slightly regret it, but only because it makes me so easy to find on the internet and I've received (say) messages on Linked-In from people wanting my professional advice for free.

Another vote here for giving your children your name.

I kept my name and have had no issues in 6 years.

My DH initially felt the same about double barrelling the kids but that was what we eventually decided to do and we agreed on that as the solution prior to marriage.

I do think it's something worth you thrashing out with him.

It was quite revealing to my DH as he was adamant that he didn't want to take my name, didn't want to have a different name to any DC, wasn't happy with giving them a different name to both of us (for example one created from the letters of both of our names) etc etc. My DH kept getting quite upset/annoyed with alternative suggestions and eventually came out with "but it's my name, it's part of me and I don't want to change it" which led me to "yes, and why do you think I should feel differently about it?". That was essentially the end of the discussion and the agreement to double-barrel. I genuinely think he hadn't even realised the double standard he was applying to our emotions about it and the implications equality has on the "child's name" issue. In practice he's incredibly supportive and active in terms of maintaining equality in our relationship; shared parental leave, childcare, housework etc it was just this one issue - which was really important because it is about my/our names.

If I had just let it drop I think it would have been an issue when we eventually had DC and I definitely wouldn't have felt so up for the argument at that point.

As long as you are not precious about teachers or health workers getting salutations correct every time I can't think of any problems
Btw we choose my wife's surname and it is nice to be the "@@@@ " family all the same together

@User0ne what a great way of getting him to see what a big deal it actually is for some of us!

I think I will thrash it out with him tonight. I will miss the opportunity to be the "x family" as @nitsandwormsdodger mentions - as that would be lovely. But I think I realise I don't want it enough to actually change my name

Just keep in mind that if you keep your surname then your children will have your surname unless YOU choose to change it.

When the baby is born it will be identified in hospital as ‘Baby girl/boy Brimful’, the ID bracelets will all have that on. The hospital records and red book (which details vaccines / weight charts etc) will all have printed stickers with your surname on and the babys NHS number.

Babies have the mothers surname so it’s clear who they belong too.

Now when it comes to registering the babys birth you can choose to change the surname to the dads name and you can then update the babys Medical records via your GP.

But if you want to share a surname with your children then I’d be discussing it with your DP/DH and saying you’re happy to add his on to the end but you don’t want to change the name the baby will be born with.

My DH had a similar realisation to UserOne's when someone from my work met us at a social event and said "Nice to meet you at last Mr Hername". When he later commented on how it had made him feel, I pointed out that I repeatedly get called Mrs Hisname and am supposed to just accept it.

As long as you are not precious about teachers or health workers getting salutations correct every time I can't think of any problems

I’ve never had a teacher or healthworker call me mrs dhname. Most are more than aware that single mums, unmarried mums, and those who choose to keep our names exist. It isn’t unusual for mums to have different surnames.

Most people I come into contact with through the children call me “dcname mum”, rather than mrs dhname.

All letters are addressed correctly as that’s how they are on initial forms etc.

If your children don't have the same last name just carry their full certificates when you travel, you need to carry their full birth certificate and permission to travel if only one parent is travelling anyway (and yes I was asked despite dd being 17 and having the same last name, age varies by country)

There is no rush really. I've been married nearly 8 years, 3 kids and have finally decided to take his name. My father is dead, my mother remarried a long time ago, no point keeping it any more .

No downsides for me and I've been married a long time.

We have 2 kids. One has my surname, the other has dh's. Fair's fair. Again, no issues there.

Dh sometimes gets Mr Myname but he's not a dick so he doesn't bat an eyelid when it happens.

Kept my name & children have his. Get called Mrs His name by school teachers. But my last name is nicer sounding and it is who I am. No issues whatsoever and if I get called Mrs His name I answer but I very rarely do.

I kept my name and dc have his. Only drawback is entering the uk alone with baby dd I was asked to prove theyre mine. I had the bc so no problem.

I changed my name on marriage and my DC had his name. I would never now recommend anyone change their name on marriage and never ever have a different name from your children.

ExH turned out to be emotional, financially and eventually physically abusive. There was no signs before marriage or really before the birth of our first child.

I tried to continue with ExH name but eventually I did realise I had to change it. ExH wouldn't allow the DC to double barrel. Court agreed with him, he needed children to carry on the family name apparently (yes this was in the courts summary). So DC have a different name.

Every new hospital consultant/doctor therapist (and we have a few) calls me Mrs Violent ExH, I do correct them but it makes me look pedantic. letters are often still addressed to Mrs Violent ExH. I cant count the number of phone calls that have gone "please can we speak to Mrs Violent ExH?" "Do you mean (DS' name)'s mum" "yes". This is across multiple hospitals no matter how often I correct it. Schools do generally get it right once corrected. I dont really care so much anymore, but at the start it was rough.

Travelling wasnt too bad at the start but it has got progressively worse over the years. These days I am asked for Birth Certificates nearly everytime I return into the country with the DC and the DC are (briefly) questioned most exits. It's ok but not what you necessarily want to be dealing with. Customs officers have actually checked the physical copies of birth certificates, marriage certificate, decree nisi and deed pool, all of which I carry every time. Pictures on your phone wont necessarily cut it. I have even very unpleasantly told off by a customs officer for travelling with genuine copy of a birth certificate (given to me by the registrar when i registered DC) not a certified copy. The difference? one says "certified copy" and has a seal, the other says "genuine copy" and doesn't. He really does stand out for being a git though.

Of course the worse thing is that DC have been lumbered with the surname of someone who was violent towards them. Mainly because noone wants to remind him we exist by asking (again) his permission to change it. Eldest DD is counting down the days until she can change it without permission.

I know our story isnt the norm, but it does make a salient cautionary tale. If heaven forbid it all goes horrendously wrong putting it right after the event is a hell of a lot harder than getting it right the the first place.

You keep your name, kids get yours (or compromise on double barrel). Never ever give your kids a surname that doesn't match your own.

I think it boils down to how offended and cross you will be when people get it wrong.

As a pp said I don't mind being addressed by the DC's surname on occasion as I think school staff etc probably have enough names to remember without having an extra surname to associate with every child. same with all sorts of correspondence over the years. If that is going to get you all worked up, then make it simple for people. If you can cope with being called the 'wrong' name, then have as many names as you like in the family.

Why would the kids not have your surname? No reason they should have your dh's not yours except for patriarchal tradition. I'm like you and never had any intention of changing my name. Dd has two surnames following the Spanish model. Everyone in Spanish speaking countries takes one name from their father and one from their mother. She can choose just to use one surname as an adult if she wishes, but no way could I ever have squeezed a baby out of my bits then not given it my name.

I kept my surname mainly out of laziness. DD has DH's surname, as it's a very bland Western surname and mine is clearly foreign. I've heard about issues when travelling, but we only really travel as a family so not an issue for me.

[quote BrimfulOfBaba]@User0ne what a great way of getting him to see what a big deal it actually is for some of us!

I think I will thrash it out with him tonight. I will miss the opportunity to be the "x family" as @nitsandwormsdodger mentions - as that would be lovely. But I think I realise I don't want it enough to actually change my name [/quote]
But you'll just be the XY family! Which will be more unique to you 2 plus any children.

The only issue I’ve encountered is that when we move (six times so far) we have to pay for two lots of mail forwarding. Not a major issue though!

@Ohnomoreno

There is no rush really. I've been married nearly 8 years, 3 kids and have finally decided to take his name. My father is dead, my mother remarried a long time ago, no point keeping it any more .

And it being what you’ve been known as your whole life has no value?!

I double barrelled and DDs have both names. Only problem was late MIL telling me that children need their father’s name. I asked how SIL, single parent, had miracously met someone with the same surname.

Married for nearly 30 years.
Didn't change my name.
One man once said 'when is xxx going to make an honest woman of you?'
Lots of people refer to DH as a DP, but I'm not bothered what people think.

That's it. No issues.