Any downsides to not changing your surname after marriage?

[BrimfulOfBaba]

I'm getting married in a few months and finally getting around to thinking about the surname situation - I'm a woman marrying a man, for background.

I had known since I was young that I wanted to keep my surname no matter what - absolutely no judgement on anyone who chooses differently, it's just what feels right for me.

However would there be any problems if I had a different surname to any future children? DP is vehemently opposed to double barrelling any future kids and as he picks his hills to die on carefully I'd like to respect this.

I could double barrell mine. I just want to know if it's worth all the paperwork. And does double barrelling work if only one of you does it? I don't want my current surname to become a middle name.

I kept my name.
Pick and chose when to use his.
My son has my husbands surname although if I was in a less delusional state after the birth then I would have put both on his birth certificate.

See if he’ll change his - seems the easiest solution. No need to double barrel etc.. I knew I wouldn’t be happy changing mine and that any children would have my name too. DH decided to change his to mine so we would all have the same.

@ElspethFlashman But I kinda like being different and having my own identity of my very own. And I like that my kids are going to grow up learning at first hand that it's only an option, not a cultural expectation.

This is a really good point. I'd like future kids to understand this!

Lots of options in this thread I hadn't thought of, thank you so much! Sadly unsurprising that a lot of people still assume. I know there are family members on both sides of the family who think I'm weird for not wanting to change my whole surname!

@BoogieFeet I don't know if I'm overthinking this, but I have a very Indian name (think something like Sharma or Iqbal) and DP is very, very white!

With cheques these days being scanned through an app, I've never had any issues paying any with DH's surname on into the joint account.

I figured if I was dragging them kicking and screaming into the present day they could use online banking. Problem solved.

@BrimfulOfBaba I love your username!

As a fellow Indian with an English DP, my preference is to keep my own surname (because taking his would make my name look awful). If your names sound fine double barreled then definitely revisit it.

I have no issue with our future kids having their father's surname personally, but I'd like to pick Indian first names which sound ok with a Western surname. I'd also like to give them my surname as a middle name or alternatively give any girls my first name as a middle name (because I also have my mum's first name and not dad's as middle name, and it's a nice little tradition).

We don’t have a joint account, hence not being able to pay in cheques made out to Mrs Hisname.

@ElspethFlashman Thank you! That's good to know

@cirrusminor haha thank you!

I think our names sound ok double barrelled, they flow well (let's say for example it's Iqbal-Hall). We've also talked about Indian first names that sound ok with a Western surname - are you also finding the boy names a bit harder to identify?!

That is a lovely tradition. In my family, we all have two middle names, one chosen by the mum's parents, the other chosen by the dad's parents. I'd like to keep that!

@FeistySheep That's exactly it, DP identifies really strongly with his working class background and has the same reaction to double-barrelled names as he does to chinos, unfortunately!

We both just really like our own names, and each others names, as they are. So I don't think a mashup would make either of us happy. Also we're from different cultures so might look a bit weird!

I kept my surname and the DC have a different surname to both of us. It's the 'surname' that DH is known by as his actual surname is 5 syllables and hard to spell. Plus in his tradition girls don't carry the family name and are usually have their father's first name as their last name and, frankly, fuck that shit.

I carry adoption certs when I travel with them as they appear to be a different ethnicity to me, it's almost always checked coming back into the country, not so much when arriving in a foreign country. Which is understandable I suppose as a white woman coming into the country from an exotic foreign location with exotic foreign children probably does look like trafficking.

I don't mind being addressed by the DC's surname on occasion as I think school staff etc probably have enough names to remember without having an extra surname to associate with every child.

DH and I both kept our names. We decided girls would get my surname and boys would get his. Then had only girls. The school tends to call him by my surname and he doesn’t bother correcting them. Occasionally for something like one of the utility bills that happens to be in his name, I briefly adopt his surname for convenience.

I’ve kept my name, kids have DHs. Absolutely no problems have ever arisen. Oldest kid is 13. They are both boys and did at one point think all boys had their surname and all girls had my surname (as my sisters also both kept it) but worked out quite quickly that wasn’t true!

I think for multiple-heritage families, it is even MORE important that all sides of their heritage are represented equally.

I write this as someone with multiple heritages (3), and a name that is very tipped to one side.

I kept mine. Kids have DH surname as it goes better with their first names and I don't care that much, mine is a middle name for both of them so they're still linked to me and no problems with passport control etc.

No problems though most extended family assume I took his name, can't be bothered correcting them so I get cards addressed to Mrs DH name every year when I'm Ms my name.

@TheSpottedZebra

I think for multiple-heritage families, it is even MORE important that all sides of their heritage are represented equally.

I write this as someone with multiple heritages (3), and a name that is very tipped to one side.

What i am saying here is double barrel the names of any future dc! Don't let your name be subsumed by the dominant culture.

I've kept my name. We are 10+ years married and I've had no issues so far. Unless you count my old bat of a grandmother claiming she couldn't remember what I am calling myself these days. 🙄

Our daughter's name is double-barrelled. It's a bit of a mouthful but it was important to both of us that she had our names.

@BrimfulOfBaba

Totally agree, the boys' names are hard - I can only think of about two which I like! Using your example I definitely think the double barrel might work - my other idea is two surnames (not hyphenated), with DP's second so they'd most likely be known "socially" by his surname only but still carry your culture through. Again something I'm ok with but others might not be.

I do have a feeling that when I travel with them alone I'll have to take their birth certificates with me if I don't shoehorn my surname in there somehow, just to save any strife.

I kept mine. It’s been nearly 20 years and I’ve never had an issue.

Schools manage, gp’s manage, sports coaches all manage to get that I am not “mrs childssurname”. Generally I’m addressed as “dc’s mum” so it never happens.
The only people who insist are Dh’s bloody relatives.

Been away plenty of times and stopped once. Customs officer asked sc who I was, she looked at him as if he was mad and said it’s my mum, that was it, he said just checking.

Personally I find their are many pro’s to not having the same name as your kids, dh is the one they track down on fb and add to whatsapp groups, i am well out of all that!!

Fwiw we decided to give the kid dh’s name as he is divorced and was having an utterly shit time being excluded from his kids lives. He was having to argue his PR rights at school, dr’s, dentist etc. It is far harder for a man with a different name to take kids out or away on his own than it is for a woman. As it was at least having the same name meant people actually accepted he was the kids dad.

I’ve kept my surname and given child husbands surname x

I kept mine, DC have DH's. I've never travelled abroad with them and not DH, have had to return a couple of cheques in the early days.

All our Christmas cards still arrive addressed to Mr and Mrs DHSurname but that's an irritation not a problem. I wish I had made it clear to everyone at the time that we were both keeping our own surnames to head off the latter but never mind. I answer to Mrs DHSurname at the DCs schools when I get called it.

Probably the only extra thing I have to do is make sure the DCs surname appears in the ref box for online payments for their activities etc.

No problem, except that my husband was embarrassed on introducing me to other people.

No problems though most extended family assume I took his name, can't be bothered correcting them so I get cards addressed to Mrs DH name every year when I'm Ms my name.

Which just makes them believe they are right, and the assumption remains the cultural norm. Why on earth would you not correct someone calling you the wrong name?!

We used DH's surname for the DCs but gave them my surname as a middle name, so if they ever wanted to use it as a double-barrelled name they could.

It keeps their connection to my side of the family without lumbering them with a long surname all the time, and has been useful to point out to border officials questioning whether we are related (you still need other documents to back that up just in case).

Yeah 20+ years here. DS now grown up, no problems travelling etc although I never took him abroad on my own. He has DH’s surname, partly as I’m known by ex-H’s name (I know, but I used it profess and can’t be bothered having different names).

DH sometimes gets called Mr Droveagain as I’m usually the person who books things. He doesn’t care