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Original poster

Any downsides to not changing your surname after marriage?

127 replies

BrimfulOfBaba · 08/04/2021 12:57

I'm getting married in a few months and finally getting around to thinking about the surname situation - I'm a woman marrying a man, for background.

I had known since I was young that I wanted to keep my surname no matter what - absolutely no judgement on anyone who chooses differently, it's just what feels right for me.

However would there be any problems if I had a different surname to any future children? DP is vehemently opposed to double barrelling any future kids and as he picks his hills to die on carefully I'd like to respect this.

I could double barrell mine. I just want to know if it's worth all the paperwork. And does double barrelling work if only one of you does it? I don't want my current surname to become a middle name.

OP posts:
TomHardyAndMe · 08/04/2021 18:04

@BackforGood

I think it boils down to how offended and cross you will be when people get it wrong.

As a pp said I don't mind being addressed by the DC's surname on occasion as I think school staff etc probably have enough names to remember without having an extra surname to associate with every child. same with all sorts of correspondence over the years. If that is going to get you all worked up, then make it simple for people. If you can cope with being called the 'wrong' name, then have as many names as you like in the family.

Sorry, are you suggesting that because other people assume that all married women follow the hideously sexist traditions of the past you should follow the hideously sexist transitions of the past for an easier life?

Fuck that. I want a more equal world for my daughter to grow up in and we won’t get there by doing what everyone assumes we will, will we?!

TrojaninTroy · 08/04/2021 18:04

I had a couple of savings organisations get awkward with me and insist I use my married name once I declared I was married. But most were OK. I had my married name on my passport but kept other ID in my maiden name.

The real problem for me was that because I wanted to use my married name some of the time (eg for the joint bank account as well as when I went on holiday with DH) but use my maiden name at other times, I got confused as to who I was meant to be at any given time. In the end I just changed it all over to my married name.

Although it makes life easier, when I'm at the school gate, I'm surrounded by married mums who held on to their maiden names, and I somewhat regret selling out.

MattyGroves · 08/04/2021 18:09

I kept mine and it's fine. I would recommend correcting anyone who gets it wrong immediately in the same way as you would someone getting your first name wrong. Much less confusing and nips it in the bud

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
kingat · 08/04/2021 18:21

@iVampire

I kept my birth name.

DC have their father’s surname (I wasn’t bothered which they had, and neither name is IMO noticeably nicer than the other)

There’s been no administrative bother at all,

But

  • you’ll probably have to get used to answering to their surname too, as IME only about half of school/activity staff are diligent enough to check let alone remember parents’ names
  • you may need proof when travelling internationally that the DC are allowed to cross borders with you (copy of full-form BC? letter from non-travelling parent?)

Neither of those is complicated, nor are they annoying unless you let them become so

I was going to write exactly that, almost word for word :)
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 08/04/2021 18:51

@Hardbackwriter

However would there be any problems if I had a different surname to any future children? DP is vehemently opposed to double barrelling any future kids and as he picks his hills to die on carefully I'd like to respect this.

If he's the one objecting to double-barrelling then isn't the obvious solution that any children have your name?

This!

Half the marrying population don’t generally experience difficulty in not changing their name on marriage so not sure you would.

But why is it a default assumption that children will have a father’s surname?

MrsAvocet · 08/04/2021 18:53

I wonder why there is so much more hassle bringing children with a different name into the country rather than out? If it's about child trafficking as the customs officer that stopped me said, wouldn't it be leaving the UK that was more of an issue. And if I was a child trafficker who had gone to the trouble of getting fake British passports for my vuctims, wouldn't I also have been smart enough to give us all the same surname? Also, if the stories you hear in the press are representative, isn't it more likely to be a father taking his children out of the country against the mother's will, and they probably do have the same surname?
To be fair, I probably didn't help my cause when I was stopped as whilst being quized about why I didn't have my husband's name I said "Because he doesn't own me - Welcome to the 21st century". Probably not the best way to get out of the place quickly but I was so pissed off with the situation. It was me who applied for and paid for their passports but I'm not supposed to travel with my children?!

APurpleSquirrel · 08/04/2021 19:02

I was very against taking DHs name - to me Mrs X was DHs mother or grandmother, not me, so initially I kept my name. Then about a year later I double-barrelled both names. DH didn't want to. I got a Deedpole doc & changed almost everything over time - there are a few things I haven't done but it's no big deal.
DC have DHs last name so I share part of my name with them to get round any potential issues.
Tbh my name is much shorter & easier to spell so we often use that to book tables, takeaways etc.
I've been called Mrs X on occasion, & it does rankle a bit but I get over it. What's gets me more is being called Mrs DH (first & last names) - wtf???

Constance11 · 08/04/2021 19:08

I've been married for over 10 years and didn't change my surname and it's never caused me any problems. My son's school always call me Dr husbandandson's surname rather than my own but that's never bothered me.

BackforGood · 08/04/2021 19:10

Sorry, are you suggesting that because other people assume that all married women follow the hideously sexist traditions of the past you should follow the hideously sexist transitions of the past for an easier life?

Fuck that. I want a more equal world for my daughter to grow up in and we won’t get there by doing what everyone assumes we will, will we?!

Grin

I save my anger for important things, not for a busy practitioner dealing with lots of young people not being able to recall all the separate and individual preferences of each parent as to how they are addressed.
I see nothing hideous about a couple deciding they would like all of their family to have the same surname.

ProfYaffle · 08/04/2021 19:15

No issues other than a slightly miffed father in law (truth be told I quite enjoyed that bit!) The dc do have my surname though so I don't know if that makes things easier.

I would have liked to be double barrelled - our surnames are comically aristocratic when put together although we are very much not. Dh was vehemently against it though. He talked about changing his surname to mine but was too lazy to carry it out in the end.

Frazzled2207 · 08/04/2021 19:15

Know quite a lot of mums who for various reasons have different surnames to their kids. Only “issue” (but actually a non-issue) is to have some proof of being their mother if you travel abroad without the dad.

Frazzled2207 · 08/04/2021 19:18

If the couple are married though and for example I want to send them a wedding invitation or similar (this has happened!) I am always confused as to who to address it to. Mr and Mrs x? Mrs x and Mr y? Mr x & Ms y?

TomHardyAndMe · 08/04/2021 19:18

Indeed. But both parties should be considering how that will work, not just one. Hence equality.

As I said before, I just get called by my first name. Hasn’t been an issue yet.

MattyGroves · 08/04/2021 19:18

I save my anger for important things, not for a busy practitioner dealing with lots of young people not being able to recall all the separate and individual preferences of each parent as to how they are addressed.*

I don't get angry about it but I don't answer to any name but my own. I always correct it. Maybe it's because so many people get my first name wrong, I have been used to correcting that my whole life!

I also don't think being busy is an excuse for not addressing people by the right name anyway. When I attend medical appointments for my children, they usually just ask my name, and then call me by it, doesn't seem that hard to me.

Camomila · 08/04/2021 19:18

you may need proof when travelling internationally that the DC are allowed to cross borders with you (copy of full-form BC? letter from non-travelling parent?)

DSs are double-barreled, I always bring this (mainly because we travel on different nationality passports) but have never had to show it. DS1 was asked who he was travelling with once as toddler but he could answer "my mummy and grandma" and we got waved through.

The only downside is I occasionally get posy addressed to Mrs DHsname rather than Ms MyName. I just roll my eyes.

MattyGroves · 08/04/2021 19:20

@Frazzled2207

If the couple are married though and for example I want to send them a wedding invitation or similar (this has happened!) I am always confused as to who to address it to. Mr and Mrs x? Mrs x and Mr y? Mr x & Ms y?
The same way you would address it to an unmarried couple? I.e. Mr X and Ms Y if those are the titles they use or Dr X and Dr Y or whatever
Moirarose2021 · 08/04/2021 19:20

Didn't change my name and dc got my name which in hindsight was a brilliant decision as got divorced then ex died while dc were young

JWrecks · 08/04/2021 19:23

I kept my surname as I am literally the only person on earth with my full name, and there are only about 15 people total who share my surname (believe me, we have searched the world over!), and I couldn't bear to take one away. DH's surname is much more common.

We've never had any problems with it logistically. People often call me Mrs [DHSurname] but I genuinely do not care about that at all and wouldn't even bother to correct somebody on it.

It can get a tiny bit annoying having to type/write "Mr and Mrs First Last and LongFirst LongLast" on official documents, but honestly that's probably a total of 2 extra minutes spent throughout an entire lifetime! On anything casual like cards we just use his name for simplicity's sake.

That said, I do very occasionally regret not taking his name, just because of the tradition and the fact that we are one family unit, iyswim. But on the 2 or 3 times I've ever mentioned it, DH is horrified at the idea as he loves my unique name wouldn't like to reduce the number of us about!

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 08/04/2021 19:23

The only thing I've encountered is Dr's and dentist receptionists usually say is this Mrs "DH and DS surname" when they call me regarding ds, I usually chuckle and say "almost, but I'm definitely ds mum"
It's one of those things that I could get grumpy over, but it's not a big deal to me.

bluebluezoo · 08/04/2021 19:26

If the couple are married though and for example I want to send them a wedding invitation or similar (this has happened!) I am always confused as to who to address it to. Mr and Mrs x? Mrs x and Mr y? Mr x & Ms y?

I don’t care as long as it’s not Mr and Mrs dhname.

My 90 year old aunt manages to address all our cards correctly -dr x and mr y, so it can’t be that hard. So does school, GP, holiday companies, council tax, etc etc.

Stick to mr x and ms y. Or don’t bother with titles and go with Bob and Janet. Or more formally Bob Jones and Janet Smith.

It’s only dh’s family that don’t seem able to get it right Hmm

BrianWankum · 08/04/2021 19:30

Kept my name, eldest child is now 24 and the kids have dh's name. If at school I got called Mrs Hisname, I'd just smile and say "Brian Wankum, hello". As for travelling - have never had any problem. I don't think I've ever taken any of the kids abroad by myself, but we've certainly split up at customs coming back into the UK, and I've been with a couple of kids whilst dh is over the other side of the customs hall, and the names have not been queried.

Coming back into the UK really shouldn't be an issue though - when you apply for a child passport, you have to give the parents' names and passport numbers, so surely they can just confirm it easily? Taking them in to another country might be where you need a birth certificate as well.

BrianWankum · 08/04/2021 19:33

@Frazzled2207

If the couple are married though and for example I want to send them a wedding invitation or similar (this has happened!) I am always confused as to who to address it to. Mr and Mrs x? Mrs x and Mr y? Mr x & Ms y?
What would you do if they weren't married? Just do the same as that, it's really not difficult.
JWrecks · 08/04/2021 19:34

@Frazzled2207

If the couple are married though and for example I want to send them a wedding invitation or similar (this has happened!) I am always confused as to who to address it to. Mr and Mrs x? Mrs x and Mr y? Mr x & Ms y?
I think you'd have to ask them. Just on this thread I've seen PP who do not care at all about Mr & Mrs X, and PP who feel very strongly about it. You may well know married couples who don't officially share a name but who also don't care which is used. I don't go about introducing myself to people with my full name, so most of our friends just assume my last name is DH's, and that's fine with me. But it's not for everyone.

If you happen to know both of their full names, and know that they are different, it might save some drama just to write them both. Mr X and Mrs Y, I would assume.

WhatWouldTheFeministsDo · 08/04/2021 19:35

[quote BrimfulOfBaba]@BoogieFeet I don't know if I'm overthinking this, but I have a very Indian name (think something like Sharma or Iqbal) and DP is very, very white![/quote]
I'm in a similar situation, mixed race with a clearly foreign surname. I gave the children my surname then DH took my name when we got married. It confuses people on occasion but that's their problem! Grin

daisypond · 08/04/2021 19:39

I kept my name. DH and the DC have his name. We didn’t want to double-barrel. There have been no issues ever, and my DC are adult now. Sometimes people call me Mrs DH-surname. I just let it go.