Any downsides to not changing your surname after marriage?

[BrimfulOfBaba]

I'm getting married in a few months and finally getting around to thinking about the surname situation - I'm a woman marrying a man, for background.

I had known since I was young that I wanted to keep my surname no matter what - absolutely no judgement on anyone who chooses differently, it's just what feels right for me.

However would there be any problems if I had a different surname to any future children? DP is vehemently opposed to double barrelling any future kids and as he picks his hills to die on carefully I'd like to respect this.

I could double barrell mine. I just want to know if it's worth all the paperwork. And does double barrelling work if only one of you does it? I don't want my current surname to become a middle name.

The only issue with double barrelling is that in a couple of generations time there are going to be some very, very long surnames.

We both double-barrelled when we got married, but in practice both go by our original names. Baby number 1 is currently on the way (will also be double-barrelled), and I'd imagine we'll end up using the double-barrelled surname for child related things like school but still going by our original names in other aspects of life. In an ideal world I'd have liked to give baby just my surname as it's nicer but it wouldn't be very fair on DH! Mine is second in the double barrel though, so it may be that his gets dropped anyway in practice for practicality's sake.

We are the other way round. I had the English surname, and took DH's none English surname on marriage.
It confuses people immensely when they expect a dark haired Asian lady, and get a blond haired blue eyed me.
Dont worry about the travel bit - I've been questioned into the UK, and out of DH's home country about who the kids are, where Dad is, does he know we are travelling, and also having the kids asked who I am, when their birthday is, where they are going etc. Bizarrely it never happened in or out of Saudi where we lived for 5 years. Not all the world share surnames on marriage, so names are not the only thing border control look at.

@JWrecks

I kept my surname as I am literally the only person on earth with my full name, and there are only about 15 people total who share my surname (believe me, we have searched the world over!), and I couldn't bear to take one away. DH's surname is much more common.

We've never had any problems with it logistically. People often call me Mrs [DHSurname] but I genuinely do not care about that at all and wouldn't even bother to correct somebody on it.

It can get a tiny bit annoying having to type/write "Mr and Mrs First Last and LongFirst LongLast" on official documents, but honestly that's probably a total of 2 extra minutes spent throughout an entire lifetime! On anything casual like cards we just use his name for simplicity's sake.

That said, I do very occasionally regret not taking his name, just because of the tradition and the fact that we are one family unit, iyswim. But on the 2 or 3 times I've ever mentioned it, DH is horrified at the idea as he loves my unique name wouldn't like to reduce the number of us about!

I don’t know where to start with some of this.

Let me know when we time travel back to the 21st century.

@Frazzled2207

If the couple are married though and for example I want to send them a wedding invitation or similar (this has happened!) I am always confused as to who to address it to. Mr and Mrs x? Mrs x and Mr y? Mr x & Ms y?

If you know me well enough to invite me to something, just use my first name. Or as a PP said, as if we weren’t married. That isn’t really anything but a legal complaint tract between DH and I, after all.

@daisypond

I kept my name. DH and the DC have his name. We didn’t want to double-barrel. There have been no issues ever, and my DC are adult now. Sometimes people call me Mrs DH-surname. I just let it go.

Do you not see how that contributes to the assumption living on though? If you correct, maybe just maybe they won’t assume next time and be right.

The only time it causes a problem is at the vets as I registered the animals there when we moved and so they were given my surname whereas, if I'd thought about it, I probably would have given them the "family" surname (ie the one DH and the DC have).
Otherwise, we're fairly relaxed. I answer to Mrs DC surname at things involving the children as, if it's a sports coach who only sees them for an hour or so a week, I'm pretty impressed they know the name of my child and have matched that child to me and really don't expect them to know my surname preferences. My surname is more common so DH will always use that for restaurant bookings and things. The DC know that, if something isn't registered under one name, it's worth trying the other name.
Actually, one assumption which surprised me was that of the other parents in the DC's classes at school. The DC are each the only one with their name in their class (probably the whole school) but other parents who knew me off the class email list/WhatsApp and therefore knew my surname didn't immediately associate me with my children as the children had a different surname on the class register. DC1 came home in reception with three invitations to the same party - one using her formal name and surname (as on the register), one using the abbreviation she uses and surname with a note saying "I think this is the same as formal name but wanted to be on the safe side. Sorry if it is a duplication" and then a third to abbreviation and my surname as I had chatted to the mum a few times in the playground. It hadn't occurred to her that perhaps DC1 and I had different surnames.

Not married so I don't have exact same issue as many of you, just the issue with DC surname same and parents coming from different cultures. I really didn't want them to have a double barreled name but couldn't see how it was fair to leave one party out. They were always definitely having my name, it's all I've ever been known as and why wouldn't they? Given my feeling I really couldn't disrespect their Dad feeling the same way about his own name (but my name is last).

Years on I can tell you it seems important to them (DC) that they carry both parent surnames especially because we are from different parts of the world. It seems important to them to identify/be identified with both heritages. Yes, their identity works at a much deeper level than a name but this is how they are addressed by the world so it does matter. I didn't realise this at the beginning and now feel glad they have both names. I didn't foresee all the many times people would question whether I was actually their mother either and I'm glad we share the family name.

I kept my surname. DD has double-barrelled surname. DH was honestly quite disappointed that I didn't take his name, but no negatives other than that as yet. Haven't tried travelling with DD yet as she's only little and covid has meant we haven't been able to do so. Hoping the common names will mean neither parent has a problem in the future.

If I was doing it again I’d give the DC my surname as a second middle name - it’s annoying having to carry birth certificates, marriage certificate and notarised permission from DH (with flight numbers, so different each time) to travel with the DC if I’m not with DH.

I just live with school etc calling me Mrs DHname. I’ve corrected them, but it doesn’t stick. Most other places manage it.

I kept my name and our first dc has my dh surname and my 2nd dc has my surname.

I kept mine. Be double barrelled the kids (but without a hyphen so they can drop one when they want. Zero problems.

I spoke to DP and his only strong feeling is that he doesn't want to double barrel any future kids. He is fine with them having only my surname or only his surname, whatever I decide.

He likes my suggestion of having our mums each pick a middle name for each child, so there'll be cultural representation. And I do know that two middle names + a double barrelled name would look a bit ludicrous. So I'm going to have a really good think!

@Frazzled2207 this did bamboozle me a bit when we sent our invites out! I would never do Mr and Mrs [his first and last name] out of principle. In the end I decided to go casual and use first names!

Kept my name, kids also have my name. Never been any issues-except DH gets called my name at school occasionally, but he copes.

I have a DD and we have different surnames as I didn’t change mine when we married and we decided she could take my husbands.

Zero issues. I’m the same as you, just doesn’t feel right to change it, it’s my name. Husband said he wouldn’t change his so he respects that I wouldn’t change mine.

Only issue I've had is the woman at the bank being seriously weird about it when I asked to change my title from Miss to Ms (been banking with them since I was a child and never bothered to change it as an adult) because I'd got married but wasn't changing my surname. First of all she wanted my non existent divorce certificate for some reason, and then got huffy at me because she liked being married and why didn't I. This was 2017 by the way, not 1955.

We're agreed that any future kids will have both our surnames in some form. Currently leaning towards the Spanish convention so as not to give them issues if they want to marry another double barreller.

@raspberrymuffin how rubbish, and inappropriate of the bank teller! I've already had SIL's partner sneer that there's no point getting married if I'm not going to change my name...who knew that was what a marriage depended on!

I had the bank thing too. Weird how often that happens.

I've never understood why when people get married, addressing cards to them suddenly gets so difficult. Pre marriage it was Mr X Name and Ms Y Name. And after marriage surely it's the same?

I chuckled at vet story -w e agreed that all pets, forever, will ALWAYS have my name. So DC have DH's name and animals have mine! It means he occasionally gets called Mr Triffid when taking cat to the vet, but I figure it's good for his masculine soul to be called by the wrong name now and again as it happens to me fairly often.

We don't tend to stay in fancy hotels any more (haha - the joys of changing to self employed with DC) but when we did in the far distant past, he'd sometimes get called Mr Triffid because I was always the one booking! That used to make me chuckle.

Yes, we've got pets with my surname, DCs with his too. I know it's not quite the same but it evens things out a little.

That's exactly it, DP identifies really strongly with his working class background and has the same reaction to double-barrelled names as he does to chinos, unfortunately!

I think he's out of touch if he thinks double-barrelled equals "posh". I'd say it's now a) pretty common/not unusual for lots of kids and b) is often just a reflection of more parents not being married.

We didn't double-barrel for our child but gave his name and my name as surnames and go by my name for everyday usage. Felt equal to have both as surname status rather than one as a middle name but practical to just use one. In hindsight, I may have given his name as a middle name instead as easier to drop it on formal documents .

I have been stopped at the airport when travelling alone with dc. I have to carry everything with me just in case which is quite annoying and last time I travelled alone with dc was in 2020 and security man at Heathrow took his time inspecting all the documents realllly carefully despite me saying the father is waiting for me to take us home from our return flight so it actually can be a big pain sometimes..Other than that nothing.

I've never understood why when people get married, addressing cards to them suddenly gets so difficult.

It’s always women who address these cards, I’ve noticed.

That’s the main downside for me - you’re suddenly aware of how many passive aggressive women there are in the world. Some of them related to you. They take what you’ve decided to call yourself as somehow being critical of their own decision to change.

I think it's more that they somehow think it's a greater wrong to put Ms X for someone called Mrs Y than it is the other way round. As if you are ignoring the very important fact that they've got married. Also because Mrs Y is still the default. I assumed (foolishly) when I got married that as I didn't announce a change of name/title people would carry on with Ms X but I was wrong.

No issues