How do you help build resilience in children?

[whatdoidoallday]

Both my lovely DC are not very resilient and I really have no idea on how to helpthem build this. Can anyone give me some tips on what has worked with their children?

DD1 (10) struggles a lot with things - finds school work hard, is very shy, few friends, lacks confidence - and her low self esteem definitely impacts on her resilience. She is quick to think she can't do things, gets upset and wants to give up.

DD2 (7) has lots of friends, generally finds school work easy, thinks she can do anything! This is all great until inevitably she finds there is something she can't do (or can't do perfectly) and goes to pieces.

So while very different they both could do with help with this - though possibly in different ways. Any ideas would be brilliant!

This was covered brilliantly in last night’s webchat with Prof Steve Peters. The video should be coming out soon, I think?

Hi I hope you don't mind but I actually wrote a blog post about promoting resilience in children www.smallfamilyfun.com/2021/01/promoting-resilience-in-children.html I think in both cases lots of praise and reassurance. Perhaps think of something you struggled to overcome and talk about how it made you feel then and now that you overcame it.

Watching with interest. You could be describing my DC in your post.

OP do you demonstrate high levels of resilience in daily life? That is very important for children to witness in order to build up their own resilience.

I've recently written and talked about this (won't link) but basically, you start by building confidence and self-esteem. This begins with encouraging independence and giving them the opportunities to learn to solve problems on their own. And to learn to relieve stress in safe ways.

Don't helicopter them. Don't offer help, but do provide a supportive and safe way for them to learn how to deal with life themselves.

I would try and bolster their confidence, maybe with exercise or a project at home eg making something, DIY. Give them housework to do, as well as cooking tasks. Do they know how to completely clean and tidy their bedrooms? Something practical and physical that provides a sense of accomplishment.

Praise them when they do something good. Positive reinforcement.

Also, encourage them to try new things, so they don’t become risk adverse, and learn they can succeed after an initial struggle.

Cooking’s good, because there’s a finished product.

@tinatsarina

Hi I hope you don't mind but I actually wrote a blog post about promoting resilience in children www.smallfamilyfun.com/2021/01/promoting-resilience-in-children.html I think in both cases lots of praise and reassurance. Perhaps think of something you struggled to overcome and talk about how it made you feel then and now that you overcame it.

I haven’t read your blog but it was suggested last night that praise is not helpful - it reinforces the importance of external approval rather than the child thinking about their own approval. This then has the potential to get out of hand when teenagers seek approval from their (unbalanced) peer group rather than knowing for themselves whether something is right or wrong.

Intrinsic value/self worth don’t come from outside. So encouraging them to identify what they like about something they have done rather than what we think about it builds self esteem and therefore resilience.

I'm no expert on this, all 3 of my children struggle with this, but 1 thing I have found helpful is puzzle solving games - and when they solve them, I comment on their effort and perseverance rather than praise the end result iyswim. Smart Games are great for this.

Things like karate are good for confidence too.
Watching with interest as we have a lot of work to do on this.

@whatdoidoallday

Have a look at Carol Dweck's work on growth mindsets - it's reall interesting

https://www.ted.com/talks/caroldweckkthepowerrofbelievinggthatyouucan_improve/up-next?language=en

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=isHM1rEd3GE

Modelling robust resiliance is very important l think, (not a professinal just a parent)
For example when we were mid lockdown and they had done nothing but home school 7 hours a day in front of screens, and eat dinner with us in the evening, we spoke repeatedly about how people coped in different difficult circumstances in the past ie WW11, and the pros and cons of theses situations.
We reinforced how lucky they were that neither Dh or l had to work in a hospital or a front line job and how they didn't need to worry about us as we were relatively safe as were their grandparents.
We did not tolerate winging but directed their attention to all the positive things some people had done to help others. Many friends spent much time talking about their poor kids in front of them...l don't believe that is helpful in fostering a robust attitude.
Pandemic aside, all dcs need jobs at home, and ideally helping others outside of home, family members etc, and not for 5 minutes when they feel like, but because x or y needs help so you can go and do this task for them.
Lastly failing with good grace (us)and letting them do things that challenge them and shrugging off the disasters.

Thanks so much for the all the comments and ideas - all are really helpful.
We could/should certainly do more to encourage independence at home - this is something I have been thinking of. Both DH and I have a tendency to be helicopter parents, which I am sure has not helped.
PlatinumBrunette would you be be happy to share the link at all as I would be interested to read? No problem if not.

The comments on how good DH and I are at modelling resilience ourselves are interesting. I'd say we are okay rather than great at it. Neither of us are great at trying new things/going out of our comfort zone etc - but can be pretty tenacious and determined if it's something we think is important. Certainly worth thinking how this sort of thing rubs off on the DC.

Learning something hard like piano
Being on a football team, preferably a goalie
Praising effort not success
Don't praise perfectionism
Be OK with who they are, their interests, avoid self criticism

@whatdoidoallday No, I won’t share, sorry. Waaaay too outing, and one isn’t published yet and the others are in a private group.

Just set the kids up to ‘have a go’ at something. As a PP said, cooking is perfect. Don’t be tempted to interfere, just gently guide when asked, and only when asked. Encourage them to help each other.

I don’t think praise is the answer. Not saying you should put them down, but I am a bore into some tough love and forever telling my DC to things anyway. Also being resilient and showing perseverance yourself.

I think getting them to complete tasks, even when they think they can’t. Don’t offer help, just keep pushing. Do it once and try it again. Let them fail and see it’s not that hard and having another go is all it takes. Flat packs, cooking, school work etc.

My DH is often found giving a speech to a DC about how talent is rare, everyone who is good at anything started by being shit and never having done it before.

To me it’s like when they’re little and fall over, the more you fuss the more they cry. Tell them it’s fine and kissed better and majority of the time they get over it quickly.

I think modelling resilience is really interesting. So often I see it recommended that kids should learn instruments, do things outside of their comfort zone etc. and the adults never do! I try to talk with my DC about stuff I am nervous about or that's difficult or new to me etc to show I can still do it or at least give it a try.
Tell them about where you failed too.

My children do a lot of activities. Ds (8) does football, swimming, rugby and cricket. Dd (5) does swimming and loads of dance - ballet, tap, modern/jazz, hip hop/commercial, Acro and stretch. I know this sounds like a lot and it is, but I really think it helps them to build resilience and confidence. Their school is also very into the idea of growth mindset and both of them talk about this regularly. There is also a great book that ds is reading called you are awesome. It is brilliant www.youareawesomebook.co.uk/

If you don’t go out of your comfort zone much, why not do it together with your D.C? Be open about how you’re anxious but doing it anyway.

My eldest used to love it when we would go on ‘adventures’ together, I hate driving when I don’t know the way, he hated having to be in control and make decisions. We would see somewhere (tv, magazine etc) to go that was in London (where we live), he would get the directions up on my phone, guide me, normally with me having a mini breakdown, and him having a bit of a panic, but we would get there. Do the activity then would have to do the same on the way home. Usually a bit of stress on the way but overall we both had fun and were pleased to have done it. He’s since gone traveling completely on his own and I do very little driving

Praise very very problematic. Praising effort can lead to devaluing achievement "if you try you best thats all we can ask", praising achievement can lead to devaluing effort. Focus more on self evaluation and improvement "how do you think you did", " do you think you could have achieved better? How" or "what could we try different next time?". If you offer praise offer it as an opinion or discussion point "I agree, I think you did great" "I think you could have worked a little harder on that, do you agree". Of course tell your child you're proud of them of occasion but "You should be proud of yourself" is better

When you are building resilience you what stuff that presents a challenge but offers a good reward.

Games with short duration, low skill and low emotional investment like "pass the pigs" can be a good for starting building resilience. "Oh you lost this game, never mind have another try" "oh nice work good win shall we play again". Then moving onto games with a short round/turn structure but increasing emotional investment like sushi go or carcassone. Games which are pictorial and reward all players are also good eg Destination Animation (well done that's awesome your.... is fantastic!! Shall we put everyone else's s together and see what they look also like) Avoid anything with high investment but a long game play eg monopoly, (bin it burn it destroy it, awful game)

Computer games that allow you to move through your childs ability levels, so you can play it once on easy then on harder then on harder. Older building games like Age of Myth or Settlers are good for this.

Camps, camping or Day trips at places like PGL can help dramatically by offering physical challenge (this zip wire is high) and obvious reward (but it's fun to go down). But there is the possibility of them crashing and burning if actually they find the level of challenge too hard.

Cooking can be good but ideally you want to be introducing the idea of emotional success as a reward not food. Gardening in the long run might be a better choice, especially flowers. but only if you are reasonably green fingered ( it wouldn't work for me as I kill everything I grow!)

Arts can be bad if whatever you create never matches what's in your head

Even more great ideas - thanks.
domesticslattern - I think this is really true about parents encouraging their children to do all these interesting activities, but not doing anything like that themselves. I am very guilty of this!
Rubyfakelips - your adventures you did with your child sound excellent. Great idea to work towards. I think we would need to build up to something like this. But a great thing to aim for and share with the DC. Would be good for me too!!

Interesting too re activities. My DD1 did a zoom dance workshop over the Easter holidays and got really upset/angry halfway through as she found it hard. She did however carry on and finish it. This sort of thing is happens very, very frequently with her. She often shouts at me in these situations because she is stressed.

I get frustrated and upset with her that it is something meant to be fun and that she can't help but 'ruin' a bit by this behaviour and have told her this (hopefully a bit more nicely than this).

Although it is draining and trying - I see that I could react much more positively myself in these situations by giving her credit for not leaving the class, and for continuing to sign up and attend these activities even though she finds them challenging! (Feeling rather guilty now - though obviously the shouting isn't acceptable.)

I exposed them overnight on a bare hillside when they were babies, now I randomly pull the chair away when they go to sit down!

I think the outbursts on things like the zoom dancing come from a fear of looking foolish. The book I recommended earlier deals with this. My ds can be a bit like this sometimes so it’s something that we’re working on too. I’m a secondary teacher and resilience is something we’ve been focusing on in form time because there are many children like you’re dc. Recently we’ve had a number of assembly session given over to promoting the idea of growth mindset, resilience etc. Maybe once dance studios are open again your dd could do a few trial lessons without you being there. Children often react differently when they’re away from their parents. I bet she wouldn’t have the same type of outburst.