How do you help build resilience in children?

[whatdoidoallday]

Both my lovely DC are not very resilient and I really have no idea on how to helpthem build this. Can anyone give me some tips on what has worked with their children?

DD1 (10) struggles a lot with things - finds school work hard, is very shy, few friends, lacks confidence - and her low self esteem definitely impacts on her resilience. She is quick to think she can't do things, gets upset and wants to give up.

DD2 (7) has lots of friends, generally finds school work easy, thinks she can do anything! This is all great until inevitably she finds there is something she can't do (or can't do perfectly) and goes to pieces.

So while very different they both could do with help with this - though possibly in different ways. Any ideas would be brilliant!

Resilience is when you don't feel crushed every time you fail. It's the ability to fail, to accept failure and the unhappy feelings failing may cause, accept that mistakes are a fact of life, that there is no need to define yourself just by what you're good at and ultimately to accept that shit happens without always having to blame other people or external circumstances and simply getting on with it.

We are all different some dc are quick, sharp and academic others like to take their time, others are very social and have loads of friends. If you want your dc to me more resilient, teach them to be self aware, accept their strengths and weaknesses and just put their best foot forward and try and be not self-focused, entitled 'me me me' types. Some kids are naturally more resilient than others but it's a mindset that you can foster.

Ultimately, resilience shouldn't be another aspirational middle class 'badge' to adorn your dc with.

The dc with least resilience are those whose family focus too much on their success. They define themselves by how clever and successful they are because that is what their parents want them to be. So when they inevitably are not good at something or fail they fall apart.

You have to let them fail and realise it's not the end of the world. If you notice helicopter-y traits in yourselves you really need to rein that in - the message it sends is "we don't trust that you're going to be ok so we are going to hover", therefore they approach tough situations with the mindset that they probably can't do it.

Unfortunately they will only learn resilience by going through difficult experiences and realising they can get through it without help. It's tough to step back though and let them potentially fail, especially if your own mindset is to try and support them at all costs and make their life as easy and pleasant as possible (as we all wish for for our children!!)

Tell them about where you failed too.

You need to be careful here. As a teacher I’ve met too many children who think it’s fine not to try in maths lessons because ‘my mum was rubbish at it too’.

i found team sports very good for my kids. some years they lost every single match practically and had to learn how to cope. sometimes they didnt play very well, so had to learn how to cope with not being super popular in the team. given the option i think they would have been shy kids, but having to work as a team helped them

I think it's a myth personally ' build resilience'

It somehow blames individuals if they are not perceived as resilient or their parents.

I can't stand the term. It has its roots in a right wing view that people are self- made. An almost Thatcher ideology.

Support your children. Communicate well. They grow up. Some of those that appeared resilient at 7 are on the streets now. Others that cried in class are chief executives.

Highly recommend "you are awesome" by Matthew Syed. About growth mindset, working hard and not giving up. Have read it with my child and plan to do it again before high school.

As well as building confidence and self esteem I think giving children responsibilities and trusting them also helps. Starting small (making their own lunches, popping to a local shop when you have run out of something). Telling them how helpful it is to you when they help with some housework, praising the effort they put in. I have eaten some terrible meals cooked by ds with a huge smile .

I don't think children have as many opportunities to learn to problem solve as my generation did - we had to negotiate scraps and arguments in the park, learn to get on with others and deal with things as they come up. Possibly not being at school during the pandemic has not helped either, less opportunities to learn the important life skills.

Team sports might also be an idea

Thanks everyone again - really useful ideas.
Agree with what people saying about letting your child fail and then try again and learn it's not the end of the world etc. I think this will work well with DD2 who generally is pretty able and will also get lots of success alongside this.
I'm struggling much more with this with DD1 as she she seems to find lots of things hard (school, friends etc). So while she doesn't 'fail' frequently as such - she is nearly always at the bottom of the class, lacking friends etc - it must feel pretty relentless for her to keep trying to deal with that. I guess even more reason to try to build her up a bit.

I actually think having a hissy fit half way through but then carrying on and finishing it anyway is really good! If you tell her she can't feel frustrated about it she'll just stop trying. I know this because as soon as I stopped getting annoyed with my DD for doing exactly the same thing when she was practising piano she got much keener to practise. It's actually showing a determination to keep going despite the frustration!

I know it's difficult to listen to though. I'm currently learning to (shitly) roller skate and that does seem to be encouraging my younger quite fearful daughter to try things.

Thanks ThePlantsitter for what you said about your daughter and the piano. I definitely need to follow your example and not get annoyed (or at least show my annoyance!). And give her the credit she deserves for persisting even if she found it hard.

Oh yes I didn't stop FEELING annoyed. I did some hard pretending!

Can I add something ?
The dictionary definition of resilience is:

the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

Sometimes it’s not about being ready, prepared etc sometimes it’s about just being able to recover/reflect/overcome something that happened a moment ago or in the past .
We don’t always have the ability to be ready for the failings or falls,or the bad times, even as adults.Knowledge that things happen, to everyone and acceptance of that fact, but also knowing “ this too shall pass” is a form of resilience.

Op how old is dd at bottom of class? Why is she there?

Lots of different ideas.. I think main one is always praise the effort not the score.. Ie if you work hard you will do well. As pp said let them see you over come stuff.. Oh dear never mind.

I really don't feel resilience comes from clubs...
Or dance etc.. It comes from a myriad of small moments.. Allowing dc to know they can achieve what they want with effort but it's OK to get things wrong and move on.

Op just read again, you need to investigate why 10 year old finds school work hard. Help with that because that will damage self esteem.

By giving them absolute complete love and security alongside firm boundaries and some responsibility. So with, for example the dancing, she gets to choose if she wants to do it, but once she's committed she must finish it.

The school of hard knocks absolutely does not build resilience, it does exactly the opposite.

The most resilient people are completely secure in their relationships, giving them scope to fail without fear of rejection.

I have not rtfs so someone may have mentioned this already. You might find the book,’Mindset’ by Dr Carol Dwek a help.

Encourage independence, a work ethic and good thinking/analytical skills and resilience comes from that.

The ideas here are good - regular chores, don’t helicopter them and let them figure things out themselves.
Even something as simple as struggling with packaging on food, I let ds carry on trying to open items even though it’s tempting for me to jump in and rescue him.
Let them cook and prepare simple meals like break fast and lunch during the holidays to start off with, join in with all household chores and have some sole responsibilities.

With school work - I tell the dcs that the school work is non negotiable and that it will hopefully bring them choices and a career that they’re happy with. I do praise them if they do well and say ‘see where hard work gets you?’

I take them out a lot. Sometimes we get lost and it’s a joint effort to find places or I get one of the dcs to follow the map on the phone.

I did battle with a few things where they wanted to give up an activity and I was torn between letting them give up because I didn’t want to keep pushing them if they hated it, but I also didn’t want them to think you quit if things are challenging.
I think we made the right decisions in the end.

I have disagree with some of the above..

Flexibility with each dc as needed.
One dd really wanted to do ballet and once she joined it was patently obviously wrong for her.. She finished the term we had paid for but she was allowed to stop.
Same with swimming... Once she could swim, different stokes.. A decent amount of times up and down the pool.. She was allowed to stop

Also child is extremely bright hard worker being ground down and driven to hatred of learning by homework at that time in primary...she didn't need so we negotiated with school that she didn't do it.

Years on child happily gets on with secondary homework.. Has no issues with doing it, I don't have to nag or ask her too.. Top sets hard worker lashings of praise from teachers all the time...

Too many times we think we do something... That makes our dc something when actually it was there all along.

I have not made dd such a bright child.. Independent.. Able to do her work since year 2..shes just that way... And I support her as she requires.

Each and every child will need different approaches..

@GoWalkabout

Learning something hard like piano Being on a football team, preferably a goalie Praising effort not success Don't praise perfectionism Be OK with who they are, their interests, avoid self criticism

Old post (I googled this while discussing the subject elsewhere) but I just wanted to say that re goalies, there was an interview I listened to the other day with Kevin Pressman, who played in goal for Sheffield Wednesday and who's one of my favourite players of all time, and who's now a goalkeeping coach. One of the questions he was asked was about the mental part of being a goalkeeper. He said that 80% of goalkeeping was the mental side of it, and 20% is the actual goalkeeping. Neville Southall (I know he's not liked round these parts because of his views on trans people, BUT he works with disadvantaged kids, some of whom have MH issues) has said the same. Though I'd say all players have to have some mental strength. Support your team mates, don't be selfish, don't let fans get in your head, don't be blase about losing but don't throw a shitfit, work on improving your weak points etc. (And the Chalet School fan in me always thinks of sportswomen being praised for keeping their heads and playing an unselfish game.)

@HopeClearwater

Tell them about where you failed too.

You need to be careful here. As a teacher I’ve met too many children who think it’s fine not to try in maths lessons because ‘my mum was rubbish at it too’.

Yep. Both my mum and I sucked at PE, I still tried. Even if I hated a subject, I still put the effort in. It doesn't matter if you genuinely are rubbish at maths as long as you actually make an effort - it's lack of trying that's the real problem. I don't know if kids these days are marked on effort, but I was (this was in the '90s).

Search “benign neglect”

@domesticslattern

I think modelling resilience is really interesting. So often I see it recommended that kids should learn instruments, do things outside of their comfort zone etc. and the adults never do! I try to talk with my DC about stuff I am nervous about or that's difficult or new to me etc to show I can still do it or at least give it a try. Tell them about where you failed too.

Again, sorry for bumping an old post but this kind of thing is why I started learning to play the tuba (I've neglected it a bit recently because it makes my chest hurt, but I will go back to it) as an adult. It's a bastard of an instrument to learn, but I don't see why I can't learn as an adult. My mum had singing lessons when she was in her thirties, so if she can do it - and the voice is an instrument - I can.