How do you help build resilience in children?

[whatdoidoallday]

Both my lovely DC are not very resilient and I really have no idea on how to helpthem build this. Can anyone give me some tips on what has worked with their children?

DD1 (10) struggles a lot with things - finds school work hard, is very shy, few friends, lacks confidence - and her low self esteem definitely impacts on her resilience. She is quick to think she can't do things, gets upset and wants to give up.

DD2 (7) has lots of friends, generally finds school work easy, thinks she can do anything! This is all great until inevitably she finds there is something she can't do (or can't do perfectly) and goes to pieces.

So while very different they both could do with help with this - though possibly in different ways. Any ideas would be brilliant!

Yup benign neglect. The most resilient children I know have had the most obstacles to overcome. The least resilient have had the most helicoptering plus (and this comes from the parents ) have a fear of things going wrong. The thing for us (and them) to understand I think is that this is hardly ever the last chance. From making a balls up of a play date, to failing the 11+ to dropping out of a degree, to getting a caution...They pretty much always get another chance and these mistakes/muddles/seeming disasters don't define them. Those who are not resilient try to avoid failure. Those who are resilient look to achieve success. Two completely different things. So non resilient children try to be good/not get told off by teachers. Resilient children barely notice if they are told off and certainly don't care, because they are too busy making education work for them, seizing chances. We have to help them to see that most stuff doesn't matter and actually they are not that important. No one remembers that they got that question wrong/ missed the penalty/got picked last/got at 2.2/didn't get the job etc. Don't let them take themselves too seriously and its the getting up that's important, not the number of times you were on your arse.

Well instilling self confidence & self belief is important but I think true resilience is often associated with experiencing a bit of hardship/stress.

The most resilient people I know have been through a lot.

This is designed for schools to use, but if you click on the interactive version this Resilience Framework has lots of ideas around how to build resilience in children.
www.boingboing.org.uk/use-resilience-framework-academic-resilience/

So interesting that excessive praise can be so problematic.
Can anyone remember a few years ago when we were being told that for 1 criticism, we should give 10 pieces of praise?
I smelled BS at the time, but it seemed such a dominant piece of parenting advice, it was hard to question.

I think you build resilience in children by helping them through difficult emotions. So for example if they are feeling sad about say not being invited to a party, instead of saying "oh don't worry, I'm sure you'll get invited to the next one", you could say something like "I'm sure that feels horrible for you, has it made you feel like your friends don't care about you?" And then opening up a conversation a round strategies to speak to the friends about it, etc.
I've learnt that building resilience in children is about letting them sit with negative emotions and helping them through them, but still keeping firm boundaries about behaviour in place.