Page 9 | If it was your wedding, would you mind..

corcaithecat · 07/04/2021 21:09

A child free (fussy) wedding?

I’d think “great, a perfect excuse NOT to attend.”

If I can get out of attending a fussy wedding without too much fall-out, I’ll do it. I only attend weddings where the couple are all about the marriage rather than ‘the wedding’.

Ravenspeckingearly · 07/04/2021 21:12

HRTWT. How old are you OP?

I was late 30s when I got married with 1 small child in tow and another on the way. Weddings are expensive, and for many guests a PITA. We had a no child (except our own) policy and the 2 families that asked if they could bring their children we said yes to. We organised our wedding with 9 weeks notice. All of my girl friends, with one exception, came but without their husbands.(the one exception had a prebooked family holiday they couldn’t extricate themselves from). So in answer to your original question ‘is it a lame excuse’...yes it is. But if you are expecting them to rock up husbands in tow to a expensive venue, no it isn’t. A wedding is a day. My besties are my besties regardless if they came to my wedding or not. If they or you choose to get offended over this then maybe the friendship isn’t what you thought it was.

notdaddycool · 07/04/2021 21:12

Had a wonderful friend who found a bridesmaid’s mum to babysit for us at her wedding, who told us to drink away and would return child to venue (where we were starting) after dinner and would only take a bottle as thanks. Was lovely as we were far too far to get home and didn’t want to leave monster as he was only about 2. There are solutions...

RedactedTaeFeck · 07/04/2021 21:15

My niece did this, it ended up that most of her other cousins ended up at the wedding by virtue of being in the wedding party (including a cousin on the other side who was meant to be a bridesmaid and pulled out at the last minute) and it really only left my just turned 1 year old. I got a friend to look after him but it meant we only attended the day and not the evening (as this is when friend was available to watch him). This was also not appreciated by niece as it would have been easier and cheaper for us to just go to the evening.

And then her husband's cousin turned up with a toddler and a baby as they just assumed they were invited. Another on his side had a very new baby who was brought in by family in between venues to be breastfed as she understood that the baby wasn't wanted.

It still hurts to be honest but niece herself regrets the choice for child free, probably because a few years down the line, her aunt got married and had a child free wedding and niece couldn't go as she had two small children and it was about 6 hours travel to get there.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/04/2021 21:18

"When I told bride we may not be able to attend she said 'that's just silly'."

Silly? She's a fuckwit. A total fuckwit.

Livpool · 07/04/2021 21:19

I think if people opt for a child-free wedding then they have to accept that some people won't be able/want to attend. Just a consequence of their choice

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 07/04/2021 21:21

I've recently had this with my hen due.

Sorry can't come due to childcare.....8 months notice and both have support networks around them.

If the person in question has a support network, i.e. partner, siblings, parents who could look after them and you give plenty of notice, I think they're being unreasonable.

Milkshake7489 · 07/04/2021 21:22

I wouldn't mind at all.

If someone was funny about me not being able being able to attend a wedding for childcare reasons, I would think they were narcissistic and wouldn't want to continue the friendship anyway.

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/04/2021 21:22

Tbh, after her 'that's silly' I'd be far less inclined to go anyway. OP has explained why she doesn't want to go on her own and leave the DCs with her DH and that seems reasonable. But I think if I were the OP, even if I could find acceptable childcare after all, I'd feel railroaded into it and wouldn't really enjoy it.

TheSpottedZebra · 07/04/2021 21:24

If your mum is excited, is your dad not? Can he babysit?

SeaShoreGalore · 07/04/2021 21:28

You say your FIL would struggle with the two kids - can he not just stick them in front of the telly and feed them pizza?

irregularegular · 07/04/2021 21:29

Like the others said, it all depends. Age of children, distance, whether they normally leave with babysitters, whether there are family who might help. For some people it will be very difficult. Other times it might feel like an excuse. I'd hope I'd be able to trust my friends to come if they could and accept it if they can't.

In the past both DH and I have attended child-free weddings that involve travelling and staying away overnight without the other. That's what I would do provided I knew others there.

Alma2021 · 07/04/2021 21:29

I’ll go against the crowd. All the weddings I have been invited to (except one) were child free (except for close family children). A child free wedding is therefore the norm for me. When you have hundredths of guests, you can’t afford inviting everyone’s children unless you hire an army of baby sitters if you don’t want your wedding to turn into chaos. We have 5 children but always found suitable childcare when we were keen to attend a wedding (when we were less keen for whatever reason we would politely decline the invitation, sometimes blaming the lack of childcare, especially for weddings abroad).

If you really want to go you will find suitable childcare. Asking the question on Mumsnet probably means you don’t want to go so if I were you I would just decline the invitation and move on.

Atalantea · 07/04/2021 21:31

@BrilliantBetty

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

Why would you?

You have put a restriction on attending, so...

HaveringWavering · 07/04/2021 21:34

You describe her as a close “family friend” whom your parents knew from birth. Be honest, do you really like her or is she just someone you grew up around? Would you have struck up a friendship if you had met her, say, at work?

If you really liked and cared about her then you might be a bit more willing to try to find a way- for example, the wedding must be a fair way off, so you could find a babysitter and get to know her over a period so that she was a known quantity by the time the wedding arrived. If your children are/were in nursery, staff often do babysitting on the side so you may have contacts that way who are more “known quantities”.

However if you aren’t really all that close to her then fine, I can see why you wouldn’t be bothered with all that.

MariposaLilly · 07/04/2021 21:34

Some of my best childhood memories are of family weddings.

Howshouldibehave · 07/04/2021 21:35

When I told bride we may not be able to attend she said 'that's just silly'

Well, that was your cue to say, ‘well, you’ve invited our childcare to the wedding and FIL won’t manage them in his own, so we won’t be there, sorry.’

Just communicate properly.

HaveringWavering · 07/04/2021 21:39

I also don't particularly want to attend and DH stay at home. Many of his friends are getting engaged/ committed and I can see what would happen... i'd be left at home as childcare while he enjoys lots of friends' weddings in the not too distant future.
It sort of sets a precedent... and one of us (which will turn in to being me) stays home to look after DC.

Are you not capable of, you know, talking to your husband and agreeing that this is not a pattern you intend to fall into? You talk as if you are not in control of your life.

HoobleDooble · 07/04/2021 21:42

I think I'd be a bit pissed off it you said it was child-free except for kids you were related to. All kids welcome or completely child-free I have no problem with. But if we were supposed to be good friends and you did this I think I'd give it a swerve, I wouldn't be pissing about with child care when some distant cousin of yours doesn't have to.

riotlady · 07/04/2021 21:45

If you make it harder for guests to attend your wedding (whether by having it childfree or abroad or whatever) then you have to accept that means that some won’t come. It sounds like you don’t really want to go and it’ll be a hassle, so don’t!

VividImagination · 07/04/2021 21:58

We once went to a huge trouble and expense to go to a child free wedding. There were other children there. Ok, they may have been closer but it pissed me off and I have not gone to a child free wedding since. We declined a family wedding where dh, ds3 and I were invited to the whole thing and ds1 and ds2 (teenagers) were only invited to the evening. Sorry, that won’t work for me!

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 22:02

If you really liked and cared about her then you might be a bit more willing to try to find a way- for example, the wedding must be a fair way off, so you could find a babysitter and get to know her over a period so that she was a known quantity by the time the wedding arrived. If your children are/were in nursery, staff often do babysitting on the side so you may have contacts that way who are more “known quantities”.

If the bride really liked and cared about the OP she'd accept that her decision to make it childfree means not everyone will be able to attend. Why should the OP spend money on getting to know babysitters to enable this?

Tiffbiff · 07/04/2021 22:11

I think you not wanting to go because it sets a precedent is a lame excuse OP. What other weddings will your parents also be invited too? It sounds like you don’t want to go by yourself so you’re using child care as an excuse and for the sake of one weekend and for a close friend, you could make it happen.

BackforGood · 07/04/2021 22:24

We declined a family wedding where dh, ds3 and I were invited to the whole thing and ds1 and ds2 (teenagers) were only invited to the evening. Sorry, that won’t work for me!

Why ?

RampantIvy · 07/04/2021 22:36

@Howshouldibehave

When I told bride we may not be able to attend she said 'that's just silly'

Well, that was your cue to say, ‘well, you’ve invited our childcare to the wedding and FIL won’t manage them in his own, so we won’t be there, sorry.’

Just communicate properly.

I agree that this is the best answer.