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Original poster

If it was your wedding, would you mind..

409 replies

BrilliantBetty · 07/04/2021 17:24

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 07/04/2021 22:46

It sort of sets a precedent... and one of us (which will turn in to being me) stays home to look after DC

Doesn't work that way, in normal relationships anyway, just because you don't want go alone to your friends wedding doesn't mean dh is now not allowed to go to his friends weddings alone if he wants to.

Bjarnum · 07/04/2021 22:46

We felt unable to go to a family wedding as we had foster children and knowing them well knew they would feel rejected if we took part in excluding them from a family event when they believed themselves to be part of that family. Bottom line was the family were adults and entitled to make their decisions - but so were we. Happy to send a nice gift

EL8888 · 07/04/2021 22:52

@UnsolicitedDickPic l will most likely need the luck!! I thought he was joking about having it where he lives but he wasn’t?! For the record we don’t like where he lives, my mum doesn’t and l doubt my in laws will. He started making noises around us working the wedding date round his flights =triple no Hmm. Fiancé will speak to him at a later date about OUR DATE and child free wedding

Kimye4eva · 07/04/2021 22:52

You can’t cherry pick kids which kids make the cut

Er, yes you can, and we did. Only SIL’s
kids were invited. They were the only family children at the time. We didn’t invite the children of any friends and they all attended.

Cherry picking which kids made the cut was pretty painless.

MrsAvocet · 07/04/2021 23:11

I think it's perfectly reasonable to invite some children and not others actually. My ILs presented us with a list of people that they wanted inviting to our wedding - most of whom I had never met and DH hadn't seen for years.. To keep the peace we agreed to a few but I was damned if I was inviting their kids as well, at the expense of real friends.But family children and those of close friends were invited.
There's lots of possibilities - someone might have a colleague that they've worked alongside for many years but have never met their children for example, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to just invite the colleague +1.
I don't think it is at all unreasonable not to invite children that you don't know but to have children that you're close to there. As long as you don't throw a wobbler when people whose children aren't invited decline of course.

Strokethefurrywall · 07/04/2021 23:18

Well then if you don't really want to attend why all the bother?!

Child free is just a red herring. If she was as close a friend as you say then you'd be happy to leave your DH with the kids and go with your parents, no?

If you don't really want to attend then just don't attend.

VividImagination · 07/04/2021 23:20

@BackforGood

We declined a family wedding where dh, ds3 and I were invited to the whole thing and ds1 and ds2 (teenagers) were only invited to the evening. Sorry, that won’t work for me!

Why ? Confused

I don’t really know what their thinking was. Ds3 is quite a lot younger so was around 7 or 8. His brothers would have been 16/18 but it was very close family so quite odd.
HaveringWavering · 07/04/2021 23:33

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

If you really liked and cared about her then you might be a bit more willing to try to find a way- for example, the wedding must be a fair way off, so you could find a babysitter and get to know her over a period so that she was a known quantity by the time the wedding arrived. If your children are/were in nursery, staff often do babysitting on the side so you may have contacts that way who are more “known quantities”.

If the bride really liked and cared about the OP she'd accept that her decision to make it childfree means not everyone will be able to attend. Why should the OP spend money on getting to know babysitters to enable this?

Because OP might actually want to see her friend get married?
HaveringWavering · 07/04/2021 23:34

@Strokethefurrywall

Well then if you don't really want to attend why all the bother?!

Child free is just a red herring. If she was as close a friend as you say then you'd be happy to leave your DH with the kids and go with your parents, no?

If you don't really want to attend then just don't attend.

This.
ArtemisiaGentle · 07/04/2021 23:44

My brother's partner and kids didn't attend my wedding on the basis it was 3.5 hours away from where they live. I wasn't offended in the slightest. My brother came, that was enough.

BackforGood · 08/04/2021 00:01

No, VividImagination, sorry, you've misunderstood my question.
I understand why the B&G might invite younger dc who would otherwise need babysitters, but I don't understand why "it wouldn't work for you", when they would be able to look after themselves for the day.

Trixie78 · 08/04/2021 00:04

Can't speak for your friend but if I was invited to a child free wedding I wouldn't be able to go as I wouldn't be able to get childcare, regardless whose wedding it was.

stardust40 · 08/04/2021 00:14

We missed a couple when dds were young in the same way. We could've had one of stay at home and one go but decided it was all of us or nothing if we didn't have childcare. Don't feel guilty... as there's other children going if they really want you there then they will accept you need to bring them x

Starborn · 08/04/2021 00:14

If my best friend without kids decided to have a child-free wedding, I'd be hurt she didn't want my kids there.

If my best friend with kids didn't turn up to my child-free wedding, I'd be hurt she couldn't even make the effort to come. If I knew in advance there was a problem, I'd offer to pay for a sitter so she could be there.

But either way, if she's genuinely my best friend, hey, I'd get over it.

IndecentCakes · 08/04/2021 00:15

I wouldn't be interested in a wedding with a no-children rule.

Workyticket · 08/04/2021 00:19

We're planning our weddingagain, cheers Covid and it's mostly child free

Just our ds, 1 young bridesmaid and the son of friends travelling from Scotland. All 3 get on well

We've not invited other friends' kids as the wedding venue doesn't have rooms. It's too long a day and it's a bit out of the way.

I'd not be upset at all if people can't come because of childcare though - it's just an invitation!

SuperintendentHastings · 08/04/2021 08:49

Well then if you don't really want to attend why all the bother?!

Child free is just a red herring. If she was as close a friend as you say then you'd be happy to leave your DH with the kids and go with your parents, no?

If you don't really want to attend then just don't attend.

Agreed. The OP could go and leave the DCs with her husband but doesn't want to. That's fine that's up to her but she may have to accept that her close friend (who she perhaps isn't close to at all) may be upset. 🤷

Someone posting upthread that perhaps she prioritised family time rather than a wedding was a little ridiculous, in my opinion. When you have children, it doesn't mean you have to give up every part of yourself and never do anything ever again without them until they're 18. It's ONE day out of a lifetime.

daisypond · 08/04/2021 08:57

I think it is extremely odd to expect children to be invited to a wedding, except family children. Your friend asks you to a wedding. One person. Maybe they ask your other half too to be polite, though they might not know them well. Two people. Add a couple of random children, then an invite designed for one becomes one for four, most of whom the Bride or groom won’t know. Think of the huge numbers that they would then have to pay for.

SeasonFinale · 08/04/2021 09:07

@sadpapercourtesan

I do think coronavirus restrictions put a different complexion on it, yes - but child-free weddings have been fashionable for a lot longer than that. It's always been the case that numbers are limited and difficult choices have to be made, though. A blanket exclusion on a particular category of person is never going to be OK with me. And excluding children always puts guests in an invidious position and imposes more expense and inconvenience on them. It's rude and antisocial, and I choose not to entertain it.
When sometimes people are charged £50 a head whether they are 37 or 7 then it can be pretty obvious that to spend £1000 on having random kids who just happen to be friends' kids at your wedding takes spaces away from other guests you prefer to have there and costs you a fortune to host them.

I think it is ruder to not respect other people's decisions and antisocial to choose not to attend because your precious little Tarquin/Tyler can't come too rather than antisocial of the couple.

However (as a bride) I would also respect the choice of a guest not come if they don't want to either because of expense or because they are too attached at the hip to their precious darling or because they can't afford or find childcare.

But I certainly wouldn't be as judgemental as sad quoted here

ComDummings · 08/04/2021 09:29

I don’t understand why some people expect others to bend over backwards to attend their hen do/wedding. Then get annoyed when people cannot or won’t attend because they only invite family children or have it in the arse end of nowhere. If you add conditions or make it difficult to attend then why get annoyed about it? It’s your own fault.

tiredmum2468 · 08/04/2021 09:29

I think child free needs to be 100% child free not family only kids as half the time people have more regular contact with friends than family you feel obliged to invite

I'd never go if I couldn't take my kids who would look after them

People need to think how much they value the friendships really

NerrSnerr · 08/04/2021 09:31

I'd never go if I couldn't take my kids who would look after them

Do your children have a father?

Taking small children to a wedding a hard work and is not fun family time. We go to friends weddings separately even if children are invited. So much easier and means you can enjoy time with your friends without wrangling children.

NerrSnerr · 08/04/2021 09:32

I think child free needs to be 100% child free not family only kids as half the time people have more regular contact with friends than family you feel obliged to invite

A wedding should be what the bride and groom want.

daisypond · 08/04/2021 09:37

@tiredmum2468

I think child free needs to be 100% child free not family only kids as half the time people have more regular contact with friends than family you feel obliged to invite

I'd never go if I couldn't take my kids who would look after them

People need to think how much they value the friendships really

But why should the couple feel “obliged” to invite your kids? No-one cares about your kids. They don’t want them there. Your kids will be bored. Your kids have nothing to do with your friendship with the bride or groom.
tiredmum2468 · 08/04/2021 09:39

@daisypond
You sound like a nice person!!! I would hope my friends would be bothered otherwise they wouldn't be friends

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