If it was your wedding, would you mind..

[BrilliantBetty]

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

Fwiw I didn’t invite friends of my parents to my day event on the basis they had 4 teens (13-19) who would also have to be invited as we were a family friendly event.

I liked them but honestly I wasn’t prepared to pay £800 to host them for the day even so I think that said everything. They came to the evening party as it was local.

Too many unknown facts.

In my situation - it would not be an excuse. No family around, a wedding for a close friend is normally more than just a couple of hours when the child is asleep so a normal babysitter is not possible and it would mean inconveniencing a friend to take her for a full day or even overnight.

I may would come alone for the ceremony and reception but not longer.

You can’t cherry pick kids which kids make the cut because it will piss off the parents of kids who don’t.

You see, I don’t see a problem with family children being invited but not, say, the kids of work colleagues. Or asking the kids that the couple know and have spent time with.

@EL8888 I'm with you on not being a fan of kids at weddings, but I think if the OP has provided her reasons (and they are pretty legit I would say), then the bride can't reasonably get her arse out about it.

Good luck with that best man by the way!

Child free except for kids in the family.... I just think that’s a bit harsh. Other kids will be there, so it’s not child free. I would be saying people can bring kids and providing entertainment (colouring packs etc) to entertain them.

I doubt all the couples who are getting engaged will be inviting your parents too so it shouldn’t set a precedent. Just go with your parents.
Or for a few hours each week, before the wedding, get the same babysitter to look after your kids so they get used to them.

I would accept what I was told. I mean if the kids are 16 I might raise an eyebrow.

I don’t know if it is just yourself or if you have a partner/husband but if you do can the one whose friend it is not go on there own?

If it’s 2 hours away are you staying overnight in a hotel? Could you book your dad a room too, you could pop in and see them then.

Bride and Groom are indeed free to invite whoever they want to their wedding and are equally free to not invite certain people, in this case, children. The invitees are just as free to accept or decline an invitation for any reason at all, including lack of childcare. It is not for anyone else to decide that lack of childcare is a 'lame' excuse. And if OP would rather not attend without her dh, that does not entitle people to get at her for that choice. Some people are clearly happy and able to go to great lengths to attend childfree weddings. Some are not.

OP, you do as you see fit. You should not feel guilted into attending.

"If you are not having a child-free wedding, does that mean that you accept that every adult that is invited will bring their children? You could end up with hundreds of children at your wedding!"

Well, surely people know which of their invitees have children so they wouldn't suddenly have hundreds of children they weren't expecting, would they? They would have counted them in the guest list.

If it's a close friend you should go on your own if you can't find childcare. I think your reason for not wanting to go without your dh is a bit odd.

Also, let your FIL have them more often before the wedding. Could the 6 year old go to a friends for a sleepover?
There’s loads of ideas on here, sounds as though you do t want to go without DH though.

Agree with AfternoonToffee "If someone decides on a child free wedding then they have to accept that some people with children will be unable to attend."

You can choose not to go.

We're not having children at ours, most of our friends will be thankful. If we invited everyone's children we worked out it would be 75 kids! Aside from the cost, it would turn it into a totally different event. If people decide to not come because their kids are not invited, then so be it. I won't be cross about it, it's their call, it's just an invite.

Your friend is the one being silly if she doesn’t realise excluding children might mean their parents don’t come 🤷‍♀️

If I was a friend I’d be pissed off that my kids weren’t included but others were and wouldn’t accept the invitation. If it’s all adult only then I’d accept that as it’s your day it’s your choice and I would accept the invitation

Generally, my approach is that people who choose child-free weddings have to accept this will mean some people decline.

However, in this instance, I think it's clear your declining not through lack of childcare (your dh sounds like he would be happy to cover this one, and you'd be with your parents so not stuck on your own at all which can be miserable at weddings), but because you don't want to go without your children/dh. And if I was a long family friend who knew you well enough to be also inviting your parents, I suspect I would at least feel that you were clearly signalling that my wedding was a very low priority for you. Which is fine on one hand (it probably is!) but would certainly make me reassess a close friendship, where I'd expect a friend to make small sacrifices to support me on big occasions.

I understand your desire not to be stuck in a situation where dh takes loads of child-free weddings, but surely you just say 'Right, dh, you are childcare for this one, so you've got one free pass at some point in the future. Not 5'. Plus presumably your parents would be happy to step in for his future bashes? So to be, your 'can't because dh might take the piss' bit is lame, as you do have a childcare option, you're just not prepared to take it.

But I tend to enjoy weddings, and like my friends, which I don't find is a given on MN!

If a “close” friend of mine did this to me they most definitely wouldn’t be my close friend anymore. You should find at least one other person in your life who is able to look after your kids other than your mum and dad. Your mum and dad would also probably love to have this wedding experience with you and your husband, so you’re also taking that away by being weirdly inflexible. How far away is the wedding? If you were a good friend you’d start finding recommended babysitters who you could trust! Will be handy for future weddings too I expect.

OP, I know people get worked up about weddings, but they are a complete non-event. The only thing that matters is the marriage (and mine failed, so I'm not going to be preachy about this).

My DC are closer together in age than yours (would have been 6/4/2 then), but I had never left them during the day, never mind overnight, at that age. One was at school by then, but it would have been a blanket no to leaving them for a wedding.

Maybe I'd have felt differently if we had lived close to either set of grandparents, but the nearest GP were 200 miles away, so it was never an option.

I would also say that, had XH been willing and able to look after the DC at that point (which he wasn't), I wouldn't have gone, because it wouldn't have been a good enough reason to leave them (in my opinion, though others may differ).

PS Over my dead body would any random babysitter have looked after them, even if the internet had existed when they were that age. Just no.

No one joyless enough to insist on no children has ever invited us to a wedding... of the dozens I have been to (not from UK originally, though, and I had never heard of such a thing pre-Mumsnet). But essentially... if you ban children, you're likely to ban some of their parents, too. The couple know that's what might happen when they plan it, surely?

I think your whole my DP can't babysit because weddings are expensive and we would want to go together says it all really. You don't like her enough to invest the time and money on you going by yourself. You will only go if you get to also enjoy time with your DP. So yes as the bride I would think you didn't value the friendship. But that's Ok you don't have to like her that much.

I wouldn’t but I lost two close friends, after I decided I couldn’t attend their weddings within 8 weeks of having my first baby

OP, I also wonder how far in the future this planned wedding is? If you've got, say, a year to find a babysitter I'd be unimpressed as a bride and feel you'd decided not to try: if it's 4 weeks, fair enough!

DH’s best friend just sent us a wedding invitation for his wedding (we’re in Australia). We were really looking forward to it. DH and this guy have been friends since primary school.

However, the wedding is in a place famous for skiing during the height of skiing season and no children are invited.

So for us (and others probably), we would have to pay someone to stay at our house to look after our children, then flights, ridiculously expensive accommodation, clothes, present, etc.

Yeah. Nah. If you want us to spend $$$ going to your wedding, then the least you can do is invite the whole family.