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Original poster

If it was your wedding, would you mind..

409 replies

BrilliantBetty · 07/04/2021 17:24

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

OP posts:
Dartsplayer · 07/04/2021 20:08

One of my close friends didn't speak to me for 5 years after my wedding because I only invited family children and hers didn't get invited (if I'd have invited friends' children there would have been about 50 kids there!!!!!)

user1493494961 · 07/04/2021 20:09

As your parents are going I would go and leave DH at home with DC. The potential future invites from DH's friends might not materialise so I wouldn't factor those into my decision about whether I attend the wedding of a close friend (and you said yourself that your DP usually babysit).

2021youpromisedyoudbebetter · 07/04/2021 20:09

We had a child free wedding and it did impact certain people we know would have liked to have been there, some of my husbands family live far and have no family other than the ones attending that could babysit. Also if someone didnt want to attend as its child free and they dont want to organise the child care etc that was fine too, I think you take the risk if you have a child free wedding. We actually have one to attend next year and I now have a child and I'm still undecided as to what I'll do my DH will attend as it's his friends but I will see how I feel about leaving my child as it would be a whole weekend away due to distance

Dixiechickonhols · 07/04/2021 20:11

I’d go with parents and leave DH with your children. It doesn’t have to set a precedent surely it’s a case by case basis. Any weddings in future your parents presumably can babysit for if child free.

Mummyme87 · 07/04/2021 20:12

I have declined a family wedding as my two children (4 and 8months) weren’t invited. It was fine, we weren’t offended but as we live 300miles away from family who could help, and DS2 was breastfeeding alllll night and a lot of the day, it wasn’t an option not to take children.
The couple may have been miffed as we didn’t go and my OHs sister with her 3 kids didn’t go, but you cannot expect people to have child free time to attend weddings which often inevitably (particularly in this case) would be an overnight stay.

Our wedding in august is 90 adults and 24 children. It’s just the way it is. Our friends have kids and I want them all to be part of the big day, unless they choose not to bring them of course

XingMing · 07/04/2021 20:13

Some of my wedding guests had travelled from Latin America, but their very small children would not have enjoyed the day, so we made provision for every one attending to have an enjoyable day, and the trade off was a very small wedding.

LongTimeMammaBear · 07/04/2021 20:13

As previous poster said, if you decide to have a child free wedding, then you should expect that invitees with children won’t be attending.

If you have children of family only, then that is selective children attending and clearly you don’t want your friend’s child there.

me4real · 07/04/2021 20:14

YANBU, especially as your parents are going.

Crosstrainer · 07/04/2021 20:15

@AtrociousCircumstance

“That’s just silly” ? She can fuck off.
Totally agree. She’ll look back on that when she has a child of her own and cringe. I wouldn’t go. No problem at all if she wants a child free wedding, but the consequence of that is that some people with children won’t be able/won’t want to come.
IsThisJustLife · 07/04/2021 20:16

I have not gone to a wedding because of child-only policies, when DS was little, and our friend understood. But equally I had a lot of fun at the one I went to on my own when I left the (by now older) kids at home with DH for the weekend.

lanthanum · 07/04/2021 20:17

"I also don't particularly want to attend and DH stay at home. Many of his friends are getting engaged/ committed and I can see what would happen... i'd be left at home as childcare while he enjoys lots of friends' weddings in the not too distant future.
It sort of sets a precedent... and one of us (which will turn in to being me) stays home to look after DC. "

Presumably your parents will be able to cover some of these hypothetical future weddings. I wouldn't make a decision on the basis of a precedent for situations that may not even arise.

DarkMatterA2Z · 07/04/2021 20:20

Depends on a number of variables... age of child, number of children, whether you have family help/babysitters available, how far away the wedding is being held and whether you're expected to stay overnight.

GU24Mum · 07/04/2021 20:21

Unless it definitely suits you to go just with your parents (and It sounds like it doesn't which is fine), it would be really tricky to go. It's one thing getting a babysitter for 3
hours on a Saturday evening and quite another finding someone the children don't know to do a daytime stint for what's likely to be 10-12 hours at least. And will cost a fortune and you won't be anywhere near in case of problems.

It's a pity your friend doesn't understand - sounds like you need to be fairly clear in your response - "sorry, we'd have loved to come but we just don't have someone who we know to leave the children with for such a long day". We'll be thinking of you etc. Not..... "we're not sure we can find someone and it's a bit difficult...."

Kimye4eva · 07/04/2021 20:21

Allowing some children but not others is a dick move. For that reason alone I wouldn't go

If people allowed all children it’s quite likely lots of families wouldn’t then get an invite at all. There was no way I was giving up 30 invites for friends or family so some people could bring their kids along.

We had a child free wedding that required at least one overnight stay for almost all guests. No one declined.

Sidewalksue · 07/04/2021 20:23

Some people don’t have childcare, especially childcare that would cover a whole day/night.

Not weddings, but DHs family frequently have gatherings (anniversaries, birthdays) that children aren’t invited to. When he was growing up children went to everything, but now they are in venues where children aren’t allowed to be. So now DH either goes alone or not at all as they require at least 2 nights away because of the huge distance. We frequently get grief about it, anyone in his hometown who could babysit is at the events though.

DarkMatterA2Z · 07/04/2021 20:25

Could you take the DC, book an Airbnb nearby and then get a local babysitter for a few hours?

Standrewsschool · 07/04/2021 20:27

If you have a child-free wedding, then you’ve got to expect some people not being able to attend.

If it’s a family friend from your side, could you go with your parents, and dh look after the children?

Stovetopespresso · 07/04/2021 20:28

people's pov definitely changes depending what life stage they're at! there's no right or wrong (although i do have a massive personal opinion about it!).
I'd say to DH semi in jest that you'll have to go on your own but you don't want it to set a precedent.
or..
could you ask your friend if you could bring them but they would camp out in the hotel bedroom and you do shifts or something?

she might relent...

TolkiensFallow · 07/04/2021 20:28

Just decline. She won’t understand until she has her own children.

AliasGrape · 07/04/2021 20:30

Did you invite children when you got married?

I've only ever been to one wedding where all children were invited (and in the event it turned out 6 children attended).

We had 8 children- my nieces and nephews. If we'd invited cousins' children and friends' children there would have been over 30 children there, for which we didn't have the space or the budget. I was late getting married and had been to nearly all of our invited friends' weddings and every single one was either child free or family children only. So I think I'd have been a bit upset if one of those close friends, who had made the same decision for their own wedding, decided not to come on the grounds of children not being invited.

If it was a genuine childcare issue as in your case then I'd be really upset and disappointed, and try to find a solution if it were possible (2 of my friends had a long way to travel and I did offer for them to bring their children if it was too much but they were both able to make arrangements and jumped at a childfree weekend) but I wouldn't 'mind' in the sense of falling out or holding it against anyone.

Moonstone1234 · 07/04/2021 20:30

I have to say ebf babies are my worst nightmare at child free weddings. We went to a child free wedding and one of the guests turned up with a baby who screamed through the vows with the daft parents just looking on not knowing what to do. The poor bride and groom.

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/04/2021 20:31

We had a ‘child free’ wedding but my best friend had a EBF 6 month old baby so of course she brought him. I had other friends who were very happy to leave their babies with grandparents. We didn’t have any young children in the family and we asked our close friends if they would still be able to make it without their kids, they were all more than happy to come without them.

InsanelyPregnantAndSore · 07/04/2021 20:32

Allowing some children but not others is a dick move. For that reason alone I wouldn't go

^ THIS

If people allowed all children it’s quite likely lots of families wouldn’t then get an invite at all. There was no way I was giving up 30 invites for friends or family so some people could bring their kids along

You can’t cherry pick kids which kids make the cut because it will piss off the parents of kids who don’t. It’s bad enough getting invited to a child free wedding and having to sort out baby sitting and logistics but at least you get a nice kid free break in return, going to all that effort to then having to spend the day/evening around other people’s kids deemed more important than yours is ridiculous and irksome. I’d rather not be invited than be invited under those circumstances. Either no kids or all kids else you will cause offence Yes that means you might have to invite fewer families, prioritise who is most important to you and invite them!

The only exception to this is children of the actual bride/groom, obviously.

LemonRoses · 07/04/2021 20:34

Personally I dislike the idea of child free weddings. One of the reasons is that they exclude people. Someone with two young children, who would need to travel and stay overnight, with no close grandparents and not a huge amount of money would struggle to attend. A mother with a child under two is very likely to struggle to attend, particularly if feeding.
I think I’d rather have less glitz and more families.

BackforGood · 07/04/2021 20:36

I think you're being really precious saying you don't want to attend without your DH. It's the obvious solution and presumably your parents won't be invited to every single other wedding going forward so can mind your kids then. If the bride is a close friend I'm sure there will be other people at the wedding who you know. Seems like you're looking for reasons not to attend.

This ^

Your life changes when you become a parent. You've been a parent for 6 years, so all that time, you've made decisions about going out or not and who looks after the dc. If you as a couple have decided that the only people who can look after your dc are your parents, then that is you limiting yourselves. Which is fine - your choice - but you can't then complain that you can't go somewhere because of the choices you have made.
Most of us who are parents have been there. Opportunities arise that you would like to go to. You decide for each occasion whether you both go and get a babysitter or one of you goes and try to make sure it roughly evens out over time or neither of you go and I'm not sure where the fun is in that . By the time my eldest was 6 yrs old we'd built up a variety of people who would help out for a one off, such as a wedding. Equally, if I'd been invited , along with my parents (so it's not like you'd be going alone) to a friend's wedding who I had known well all my life, then dh would have been the first to say "You go, and I'll have the dc" if ever there had been an occasion that we couldn't find anyone.
If I were the bride, I'd probably feel a bit sad that I wasn't that important to you, but, at the end of the day, it is an invitation and up to you if you want to accept it or not.

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