If it was your wedding, would you mind..

[BrilliantBetty]

If your close friend didn't attend because it was a child-free wedding except for kids in the family.

Would you regard this as a lame excuse not to attend your wedding, or think fair enough childcare can be tricky

As a mother of two I love a child free relatives wedding. Its an excuse to properly let your hair down with your adult family members. I personally had a big family wedding with lots of children running up and down the at the church and running around the tables during the speeches, whilst their wine soaked parents grinned proudly on. I wouldn't expect children who aren't close relations to be invited these days. Weddings are expensive and usually restricted in numbers, so for each child that has to come, an adult cannot. Couples choosing a child free wedding have to accept that some adults will not be able to attend.

[quote tiredmum2468]@daisypond
You sound like a nice person!!! I would hope my friends would be bothered otherwise they wouldn't be friends [/quote]
I’m a lovely person. But honestly, your friends are friends with you, not your small children. Your friends may be bothered about how your children are affecting you, your worries and concerns and pleasures about them. If you can’t attend a wedding because of childcare, it’s not their job to facilitate that, no matter how much they care about you. What do you expect them to do? If you can’t go to the wedding, you can’t go.

Your kids have nothing to do with your friendship with the bride or groom.

But that's not a true assumption in all cases @daisypond is it. Last wedding we went to - my dcs were invited too - there were lots of children there. They've known mine since they were born.

@SuperintendentHastings

Your kids have nothing to do with your friendship with the bride or groom.

But that's not a true assumption in all cases @daisypond is it. Last wedding we went to - my dcs were invited too - there were lots of children there. They've known mine since they were born.

It is, though. A grown adult does not have a friendship with a small child in the vast majority of cases, even if they’ve known them since they were born. It’s a completely different sort of relationship. A child is not invited to a wedding because the bride/groom actively wants them there as personal friends or relatives.

No.

If I chose to have a child free wedding I accept that some of my friends may not be able to attend. It's just one of those things.

Just like if I choose to get married abroad or in a re,ore location I accept some guests may not be able to attend.

If I choose to have a hen/stag do abroad or somewhere expensive I accept people may not be able to come.

Tbh if I have any wedding or event I accept that some may choose not to come for whatever reason. I can hardly force people to do,so and people have their own reasons.

And yes, I got married abroad knowing the issues.

@Returnoftheowl

Depends on a lot of different things. If the close friend had a small child then is be understanding. If the child was an older teen, or the close friend frequently leaves the child with babysitters for other events then I'd be a bit put out. But generally, if you have a child free wedding you probably do have to expect some people not to attend.

Why be put out though?

It's a natural consequence of your choice.
It's also an invitation, not a demand that all guests attend.

People have their reasons. That's their choice.

A child is not invited to a wedding because the bride/groom actively wants them there as personal friends or relatives.

I don't disagree with that @daisypond, just at the generalisation that children have nothing to do the the friendship with the bride and groom. That's not always the case. Our children are the godchildren of the bride and groom at the last wedding we were at. It's not a friendship in the same sense, but it is still a relationship.

I don't care if people want children at their wedding or not, it's completely their choice. But it's OK if people want them there too, people often seem to look down on that on this board.

The OP needs to accept that this will damage, change and possibly end the friendship.

The rights and wrongs of child free weddings are not the point. The point is she can go if her dh stays home with their dc. "My husband can't be left for a day in sole charge of his own child." Is a terrible excuse to decline a wedding invitation from a life long good friend.

If you dont go OP, it will dramatically change your friendship. Only you can decide if it really will damage your relationship with your dh if you have a day/night out alone to the extent he'll punish you by not taking you with him to events you are jointly invited to from his side that you can get childcare for.

If this is something you have to factor in, then the problem isn't the childfree wedding invite, but that you've accidentally married a dick.

I think it is extremely odd to expect children to be invited to a wedding, except family children. Your friend asks you to a wedding. One person. Maybe they ask your other half too to be polite, though they might not know them well. Two people. Add a couple of random children, then an invite designed for one becomes one for four, most of whom the Bride or groom won’t know. Think of the huge numbers that they would then have to pay for

This ^

But I don't understand this sort of thinking
I don’t understand why some people expect others to bend over backwards to attend their hen do/wedding

You make it sound like the guest is somehow doing the host a favour . I'm quite old compared to a lot of MNers, but I can honestly say I've never had my heart sink on receiving an invitation. I think "Oh, how lovely". or "How nice that they've invited us" or similar thoughts.
When there have been occasions (event has been abroad at a time when we've had small dc) , my thought is still "Oh, what a shame we won't be able to go". I've never thought "What terrible hosts, expecting us to do X, Y, or Z". I've grasped the concept that someone else is arranging a 'do' that suits them / in the way they would like to celebrate, and have been lovely enough to invite me. That, if I don't want to go, or would find it impossible to go, then invitation is just that, an invitation. Which I can decline.

A wedding should be what the bride and groom want.

Ultimately, this ^

I think it depends what the actual childcare options are. I'd be hurt if someone used childcare as an excuse who appeared to have babysitting on tap when it suited them, but equally understand that for some childcare can be really difficult.

No one is entitled to expect anyone else to attend a wedding but it is something people who care would want to do if they can IMO.

It’s just par for the course with child free weddings

Go with your parents and leave DH at home! 100%!

"Add a couple of random children, then an invite designed for one becomes one for four, most of whom the Bride or groom won’t know."

How would they not know them? If you know someone well enough to invite them to your wedding then surely you've met their family?

I do not think that people should get offended either by someone choosing to have a child-free wedding, or by someone not being able to attend for child-care (or financial, or health, or any other) reasons. A wedding is a celebration of the marriage - not a test of how important you are to various friends. If someone feels slighted either because of their friends' choices about their weddings, or because of their failure to attend their wedding due to child-care problems, then it's a bit of a warning bell that they're likely to be intolerant in the future of all sort of aspects of their friends' choices or needs.

The one thing here that I personally would have some concerns about is the implication that childcare is not something that your dh does as a matter of course, but something that he'd do occasionally as a favour or as part of a tit-for-tat bargain. They're his children too, after all!

Not necessarily @Gwenhwyfar
I've got lots of friends that I've known for years, where I don't know their partners even, let alone their dc.
Plus of course, you might have met them, but still not have enough room to include them in your numbers.

"I've got lots of friends that I've known for years, where I don't know their partners even, let alone their dc."

How can they be good friends then? I've met the families of all my good friends. Anyone else would be an acquaintance surely.

"Plus of course, you might have met them, but still not have enough room to include them in your numbers."

Same would go for a partner then wouldn't it and they're never excluded.

Friends can be good friends, if you meet them weekly, or monthly to do an activity with, which neither of your partners do. Or colleagues you've worked with for years. Or a friends from the past (say school or University) who doesn't live anywhere near you and you only meet occasionally in person. Or even one friend who's partner is awful, so we just see each other without our partners. I do lots of socialising / hobbies etc at things where my dh doesn't come.

People do also sometime invite guests as a group, without partners - again, colleagues maybe, or members of the sports team you are in.

I've worked with people for years that I would consider good enough friends to invite to my wedding but whose family I've never met.
I think you can consider someone you've spent 8 hours a day with for a decade to be a good friend without necessarily knowing their children.
So I'd have no qualms about not inviting children in those circumstances, but I also wouldn't be offended if the invitation was declined.
All this "whatever the couple want" business is true, but only to a point. Surely most of us compromise to some degree to make other people happy? We certainly did. Some guests were invited out of duty. I let my MIL arrange some of the flowers because she really wanted to, though I would have really preferred the florist to do them all...and so on. The couple can't control everything about the day, including who accepts the invitation. I think some couples do forget that whilst their wedding is the biggest thing in their lives currently, the same isn't true of all their intended guests.

I find it strange that people think just because you have a good friend you must know their families really well. I don't socialise with my friends kids, they're also not friends of my kids so I really don't know them at all.

How would they not know them? If you know someone well enough to invite them to your wedding then surely you've met their family?

No, not at all. Why would you meet their family? My best friend of over 30 years, I’ve never met her family - she’s single. My other best friend of the same time, I’ve met her husband once or twice, that’s it. The first friend has met my children maybe three or four times in total, and my DC are grown up now. The other friend has never met them.

"My best friend of over 30 years, I’ve never met her family - she’s single."

Oh dear. It was pretty clear when we said family that we meant spouse and children.

"Or colleagues you've worked with for years."

Any colleagues I'd consider to be actual friends that I would invite to a wedding, not just the evening do, I would have met their family. If I see them only at work, I'd consider that a good workmate only. Actually, even casual colleagues, if I've known them for a while I've seen their spouses and kids either when they've dropped by the office or at events or whatever.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Or colleagues you've worked with for years."

Any colleagues I'd consider to be actual friends that I would invite to a wedding, not just the evening do, I would have met their family. If I see them only at work, I'd consider that a good workmate only. Actually, even casual colleagues, if I've known them for a while I've seen their spouses and kids either when they've dropped by the office or at events or whatever.

Depends on your workplace surely!

I've met some of my colleague friends' family. Most not - i work in a huge college so wouldn't even see them at drop offs.

I consider some of my work colleagues to be really good friends who I definitely would invite to my wedding. We go out in the evening, we meet up for dinner, go to the pub, go to shows, galleries etc. I still won’t have met their family - be it their spouse, partner, or children - or if I have met them, it’s in passing. My single friend above, I’ve not met any of her boyfriends since she’s been grown up.

Yes, but surely you can see that having "seen" a friend's spouse or child, doesn't mean that they are your friend ?

I can't believe that people genuinely can't understand that you can be close to individuals without knowing their family - even where they have met them.
Nor, in truth, why anyone thinks that people's dc want to go to the wedding of someone they aren't close to.

Some of my colleagues are genuine friends, but when we go out from work, we go out just the Team, not partners, let alone their dc. I think, as a pp said, I can judge who is a real friend or not.