embarrassed to go to the beach because of body scar

[riromay]

So, my husband has invited his parents to come with us to the seaside so they take care of the baby & we can have some time together. Which is kinda sweet..but I have a "secret".

I have a huge scar on my leg that nobody ever saw (except husband,past boyfriends & parents)..if we go to the beach then they'll obviously see it..and I am so dreading this!

I'm sorry, I realise this sounds extremely stupid but I am so upset I could cry. It's funny, I am all about body positivity for other people but when it comes to myself..I just can't.

I feel like if I show the scar now then everyone would realise that I've been hiding it for forever and who knows what they'd think?

I don't know.. I'm just venting. I know I should deal with this issue but instead I am making plans on how to avoid going to the beach for a week straight..not fun!

How can I handle this? Please don't be mean, I know it's stupid but I am dreading this so much..

If you are asked (I agree: people are unlikely to notice and rude to ask) say you had a birthmark removed because it increased your skin cancer risk. Probably true and no one will question it.

Do you need to show it if you don't want to? You might have to get creative with the beach wear, but I am sure if you want to keep it covered you could. If you did let them see it though, it would be pretty rude of them to mention it.

I'm a previous self harmer. My wrists are covered in scars.
I used to always keep my arms covered and try to hide them for fear of judgement.
One day I just decided to stop. I can't remember when. That's how unceremonious it was.
People have scars. Honestly, you've probably worked it up in your mind to be worse than it is.

Sounds like a shark story fits perfectly!

The reality is that in the nicest way, people don't really care.

I've got a scar right next to my eye (no shark, but it was a marine mis-adventure!) It's part of why I wear minimal make-up as it affects the line of symmetry, but no one notices despite it being the most visible part of me.

When I had DS1, I was left with a CS overhang, and lots of spare, over stretched crinkly skin. I decided that I was too young to spend the rest of my life hiding it. Admittedly, I bought a high-waisted bikini to tuck the floppiest bits in, but it doesn't hide it all and I don't try to hide the lot. No one cares.

Very few people are flawless, and nobody gets to a ripe old age remaining flawless

I have an 8 inch scar on my leg from a childhood disease and operation. If people ask how I got it I tell them. Or, I say shark bite. They don't usually ask anymore questions. No one will even bat an eyelid and if they ask it's only because they are curious.

It’s so easy for me to say, it’s just a scar don’t worry. Obviously this is a huge thing for you and I think you’ve built it up in your mind to be really bad which I’m sure it’s not. That doesn’t change how you feel though. Could you wear shorts before the holiday around strangers to build your confidence. You’ll soon see they don’t even notice most of the time.

If I’m honest I love scars, moles, freckles and birthmarks. I love all of mine (of which I have a lot!) They tell my story and they make me me.

Quite frankly if someone gives a shit about me not fitting into their idea of perfect, then I’m not interested in their opinion!

If it’s skin craft maybe your story could be you had a motorbike accident, you was cool and a free spirit before OH grinder you down 😂

Or

Rescued a kid from a ground floor flat that was on fire and got a bit burnt, that was me on the news 10 years ago being hailed a hero 🦸🏻‍♀️

Or, mundane, car accident.

Could you ask your DH to mention it to them and ask that they don’t ask you about it? Or would that make it worse?

Just say birthmark, that shuts down questions and has the merit of being basically true.

Those who are expression amazement that people might ask, unfortunately people do. Dd's missing her arm and she is asked frequently why/how etc.
Normally they then come out with how their great uncle's first girlfriend's mother had a neighbour who was missing the end of her finger and it never made any difference to her. It's meant to be comforting but actually it's dead irritating.

I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say, but I like scars. They tell a story and I find them interesting. My children have a few scars from different things and they also like them and like remembering the stories behind them.

I hope you manage to make peace with yours

Honestly you shouldn't feel embarrassed about it. I have a massive scar on my back from when i had to have a rib repaired so i know how hard it can be but DH just reminds me its part of my story and that i have nothing to be ashamed of.

But if you really want to cover up your legs (i do cos I have chubby thighs) then get a swim dress or shorts etc. I bought these from amazon last year whilst we were camped out at my in laws during the hot lock down months. they were so comfy to wear all day and I could work in them as they didn't look too revealing on video calls etc and then just jump in the pool between meetings. my legs didn't stick or burn on the chairs etc. I loved them:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07CWB4HN8/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?psc=1&th=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

*If it’s skin craft maybe your story could be you had a motorbike accident, you was cool and a free spirit before OH grinder you down 😂

Or

Rescued a kid from a ground floor flat that was on fire and got a bit burnt, that was me on the news 10 years ago being hailed a hero 🦸🏻‍♀️

Or, mundane, car accident.*

Or alternatively dont become a liar! I think the point of a shark attack story is no one believes you but takes the hint that it means you don't want to talk about it. Your suggestions are just straightforward lies.

Would knee length surfing shorts cover it? That's what I wear along with a rash vest when we go abroad and go for a day out at a water park or to the beach, I'm white as a milk bottle and burn very quickly so I need a bit of extra sun coverage.

I have really significant surgical scarring and deformity on one arm. Since this happened to me, I've decided on the following : you don't owe anyone any explanation or apology for looking the way you do (children have a get out on this - a simple question from them gets a simple answer of 'I had an operation'). Its up to me if I choose to show my scars or not - sometimes I'm happier in a coverup, sometimes not. No one gets to tell me how I feel about my scars, whether thats positive or negative - they may be part of my story but I don't want to celebrate them.
So go to the beach, choose if you want to wear swim leggings/shorts, or wear body coverup makeup, or show your scar as you wish. You don't need a big back story, but if someone is rude enough to ask it can be good to have practiced a 'I needed surgery and a skin graft as a child' or whatever line

Never thought to use the shark attack story for the scar on my leg. Could be plausible as I used to live in Oz. Not very exciting but I slipped down the stairs one morning and ended up needing surgery.
I’ve never had anyone comment on my leg before though, it’s two large scars one in the outside of my right leg and one in the inside.
I don’t think people will notice tbh.

I think if you tell the truth (just supposing anyone asks) you will feel a massive sense of relief. Shame should be kept for when you've actually done something wrong!

I might have completely missed you answering this already so sorry if i have.

You say you are ashamed of how you got the scar?

I wonder if your feelings of shame are around the shame of the original birthmark rather than the scar itself, which is merely a reminder of it?

I had a birthmark removed about 8 years ago. Like yours, it required surgical removal.

I felt huge shame at the original imperfection and didn't go swimming or wear a costume for years because of it but this didn't really pass after I'd had it removed until I realised it was shame at the original flaw rather than shame at the, if I'm honest, barely noticeable scar that I was feeling.

No one has ever commented on it and, like yours, it's usually covered by clothes.

I think it's a good idea to have a story to give so you're not on the backfoot if asked but the way you feel about it is not indicative of how others will feel about it.

Some good advice here - also you can keep a sarong handy to wear when you are not actually in the water.

How amazing are you all?? Taking time off your day to make a stranger feel better ❤️

I will just do it, just... show it and see what happens. Coverups are not really applicable because it's closer to my knee so unless it's longer leggings then it won't work. And for me and them it would feel weird to wear that at the beach. I will probably wear a beach cover up because all my bikinis are kinda revealing ( did not know they're coming) but those beach coverups still show stuff as they have long splits .

Anyways thank you all for your help, I truly truly appreciate it and I am so proud of everyone that is way braver than me and dgaf about their scars, you rock!!

99.99% I would see the scar and think "that's a scar" then carry on. Now to be fair I'm a man, and as you say, men...but I can't see why they would wonder about your scar. And even IF they did wonder about it, unless it's particularly remarkable, surely they're going to think "oh you fell over when you were young and got some bad road rash or something".

For a poorly done skin graft there are a number of plausible entirely ordinary explanations: burn that needed surgical treatment (spilt boiling oil) road rash (running to get the bus and slipped on the road and took some skin off)... No one will care, and beyond noticing that you have it, will probably not think any more of it. I'm not suggesting you use a cover story, I'm just suggesting that in the absence of an explanation people will go with the most likely ordinary explanation they can think of and then when they realise it's probably really prosaic and boring they don't care.

@ListeningQuietly

Sit down with your husband and decide on the "story" of the scar. The more extraordinary the better (alien abduction, shark attack in the local swimming pool, jumping out of a plane to escape the Marines, you name it).

If people ask, tell them a different tall tale each time.

Eventually you'll relax and tell the true story
and nobody will care.
And by then, nor will you.

I think this is a great idea. You can make up any story you like, and the message is - I am confident enough to joke about it, but also, you have asked a question I am not going to answer.

My brother has a scar on his arm, and told his kids so many outrageous stories over the years. I remember at one family gathering they asked my Mum how he actual got it and the real answer was quite disappointing.

I can think of several people that I know who have major scars. For example one person I know professionally who is missing 2 fingers on her hand.

With most of them, I noticed the scar at some point, most actually not straight away, even if it is obvious (like the woman with the missing fingers) and then you notice the scar- Oh a scar.
I am nosey enough to wonder in my head what the story is. But not in a negative way, just curiosity about someone's life story.
Would I comment or ask? No. As it is none of my business.

I developed a skin condition as an adult and it has left permanent changes on my face. I used to hide behind long floppy hair and big hats. God knows why I was ashamed of something I had really had very little control over.

Then I moved to a new area and decided to start over. Hair tied back and statement glasses.

To my astonishment nobody ever said a thing. I thought they were being polite, but you can often see where people are looking by their eyes, and, genuinely, people looked at me and just accepted what they were seeing.

The change to my face was huge to me, but people who hadn't known me before just accepted it.

There would be the occasional child who would say, usually across the dinner table on a playdate, "Dilbertian, why do you have/don't you have xyz on your face?" And, surprisingly, this was a refreshing question. I didn't feel like I had anything to hide or worry about when faced with a child's innocent curiosity. And it helped me heal from my distress over the changes to my face, because I would answer something along the lines of "I was ill, and xyz happened."

"Will it get better/go away/grow back?"

"No. But this is who I am, and I've learned to love myself the way I am." (It wasn't quite true - at first!)

And the conversation would revert to whether fish fingers were better with potato waffles or chips.

I think scars are fascinating, my best friend at primary school had a huge one on the top of her leg where she had to have a plate put in. I guarantee no one will feel negatively about it, and I really doubt that they'll twig that you've been hiding it, just that they never noticed before. Just be prepared in case they're as curious as I would be and ask, not realising that you might feel negatively about it. Just say it was a botched removal of a birthmark, no biggie, nothing unreasonable about that at all xxx