WWYD? Adult child does nothing

[babymanchild]

I've name changed and asking this to see if I can offer help to a relative in this situation.

Son is 23 and lives at home. Has never left.
No friends, no job, no life. Doesn't leave the house unless it's to get food.
Has had every opportunity but didn't do well at school because he flatly refused to go, refused to go and do his exams. Despite this and due to lots of help from others got a place at a good college but then didn't turn up, again refused to go.
Won't get out of bed.
He has had a few jobs, loses them because he won't get up and go. Through work connections of family has been offered apprenticeships, again stopped going and lost the position.

He's now 23 and does absolutely nothing and is claiming depression. He's been assessed and there was/ is no SEN.

His mother does everything for him but this is not because she wants to, he has no bank account, ID etc

His upbringing was pretty normal although single mother, dad not around. His mother worked full time and stayed single until he was 18.

He spends his days in his room and doesn't leave unless it's for food. His bedroom is revolting and is never cleaned. The house was decorated recently with plans for his room too but he wouldn't leave it or help to move anything so it was left.
His mother has been paying privately for therapy for nearly a year for his depression which is over the phone. This is because he won't see a doctor or book an appointment with a GP and she is not able to do it for him since he's an adult.
Nothing has changed, if anything it's worse but he says he likes speaking to the therapist. Mother doesn't know what they talk about as nothing is shared with her.

I could go on about what he is like but it's the same stuff. A 6ft 3 man child just existing in his bedroom with no life.
It's sad, frustrating and draining for everyone.
He will not do anything to help himself at all. The tough love approach has been done to death, it doesn't work. This has been going on since he was 13/14.
The WiFi removed as he spends his days gaming- nothing changed.

We can't see an end, we just want him to be happy but what can we do/try?

What an awful situation for everyone. His poor mum, seeing him live a kind of half-life. And poor him - wtf is going on there? Isn't he bored out of his mind?

Where does he get money from?

This sounds sad but I don't think there is any help that you as an outsider can offer. If this man won't work you can't make him. All you can do is support his mother I guess, not sure what the best course of action for her would be? Move?

I would say he is almost certainly depressed.

What does he do all day?

@HollowTalk
We really don't know why he is like this.
He was a happy kid, it's like he hit a bad teenager stage and never changed.

He doesn't have any money. His mum will give him some now and again or birthday/Xmas money but other than that he has nothing.
Has a mobile phone with no contract which just uses the WiFi in the house.

I would tempted to do complete tough love and evict them.

If he won't be honest and admit what the problem is and engage with health professionals it could force the issue.

Complete nightmare situation

He sounds depressed. I feel sad for him.

Gosh the poor man. Are you the father/step dad/partner in this?

It sounds like he has been depressed for much of his adult life and with covid on top its understandable. Does he know he is resented? Something wih meaning? Volunteering if work is hard might help but it is so hard to know how to support someone when they are on a downward spiral isnt it.

@RandomMess

I would tempted to do complete tough love and evict them.

If he won't be honest and admit what the problem is and engage with health professionals it could force the issue.

Complete nightmare situation

You'd evict a potentially vulnerable and depressed young man to force the issue?

I hope to god you are just having a momentary lapse in judgement.

Ive reread and im confused at the situation.

You say his mother - but also that she is a single parent. Was he living with her but now with you? What has happened? Did he have you both growing up? Doesn't overly sound like you like him.

Verity - agreed.

Bit contentious but what about introducing him to Jordan Peterson - he is very motivational to young men.
Also a book like Miracle Morning ? Something that will help to change his mindset and get him into a new routine that will snowball and motivate him.

He sounds severely depressed. Is he on any medication? The mother could ask a GP to do a phone consultation and prescribe something that might boost his mood.

I think she needs to look upon him for now as an invalid who will get better but can't without some help and intervention. Depression is a very physical disease. People don't realise this. What looks like laziness is brain malfunction. There are ways around this but they are so hard to implement while you are ill.

Sounds like he needs anti depressants

My DD is doing the exact same but at her boyfriends house, she is 22. I tried multiple times to get her into jobs and driving lessons etc and she was just not interested,too involved with bf and fb. So last September when she lost her cleaning job which was perfect for her (accessible, pt etc.) but she decided she didnt want to listen to her boss and they let her go, she had another cleaning job lined up but didn't bother turning up so I told her to pack her stuff and move in with her boyfriend, which she did. She has preceeded to sit around his parents house for the past 6 months doing nothing, shes not happy but there's no way i'm having her back home!

Who are you in relation to this person? To describe him as an adult child suggests you are the parent?

No I'm not the partner or step dad. The mother is my relative as is he and I don't care for him (not since he was a child).

The single parent info was just a bit about his childhood, he has always lived with his mum.
@SavingsQuestions
There are times when I don't like him very much absolutely but he's loved and we want to see him happy

Failure to launch:
www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mental-health/failure-to-launch-syndrome

Also, look hard at his diet. Does he eat mostly junk food? If so, who is enabling that? Mental health is closely linked to the quality of your diet.

Sleep hygiene can make a massive difference too.

If he could get in, an inpatient stay on a psychiatric ward would probably help- but those are usually occupied by people who are at imminent risk of harming themselves or others. In an inpatient setting, the choice to stay in the room without engaging is removed, and a healthier routine is put in place.

He probably is severely depressed and probably something more. But if the choice of staying in his room is available to him, he will probably continue to do it.

He sounds depressed to me.

However Op you say that tough love hasn't helped but I can't see any actual mention of any consequences to his behaviour?

He sounds Ill with depression. A normal healthy happy person does not choose to live like this. I think you need to take your judgement away it's not healthy. If a person was I'll with cancer you wouldn't talk like this about them. Depression, serious clinical depression is as real and serious as cancer. He needs help from a GP , anti depressants and real perhaps in patient treatment.

He sounds seriously depressed to me, drs aren't always good at diagnosing sen in adults either. I would encourage his mother to seek help for her own sake - adult social services will be able to offer her advice and possibly an assessment

He sounds like he fits the typical 'hikikomori' pattern of behaviour, first identified in Japan but now observed in many other countries. This article gives a good overview: neurosciencenews.com/hikikomori-social-isolation-17236/

No one has come up with an easy solution, but if you do some googling and reading up around the term, you may find a few ideas you and his mother have not tried, or a different angle to approach mental health services or support groups with.

Also this:
www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23182523

@WhoWants2Know
I wondered about a section but seems unless he is in a manic state or a threat to himself or others it's not an option. He is neither of these things.

@Cheeeeislifenow
I'm not judging or talking about him in any way. If it sounds negative it's because it is all negative. I'm in no doubt that he is depressed but it's only in the last year he's expressed that he is depressed.
He wouldn't see a GP and start the ball rolling for help, his mum arranged private therapy straight away.
He has had a lot of help and intervention from the age of 14 but now he is an adult and out of the education system there is no more help.
It's all on him but he won't do it.

Kicking him out isn't an option.

Thank you for all the links and advice, will be reading it all