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Original poster

WWYD? Adult child does nothing

116 replies

babymanchild · 05/04/2021 10:54

I've name changed and asking this to see if I can offer help to a relative in this situation.

Son is 23 and lives at home. Has never left.
No friends, no job, no life. Doesn't leave the house unless it's to get food.
Has had every opportunity but didn't do well at school because he flatly refused to go, refused to go and do his exams. Despite this and due to lots of help from others got a place at a good college but then didn't turn up, again refused to go.
Won't get out of bed.
He has had a few jobs, loses them because he won't get up and go. Through work connections of family has been offered apprenticeships, again stopped going and lost the position.

He's now 23 and does absolutely nothing and is claiming depression. He's been assessed and there was/ is no SEN.

His mother does everything for him but this is not because she wants to, he has no bank account, ID etc

His upbringing was pretty normal although single mother, dad not around. His mother worked full time and stayed single until he was 18.

He spends his days in his room and doesn't leave unless it's for food. His bedroom is revolting and is never cleaned. The house was decorated recently with plans for his room too but he wouldn't leave it or help to move anything so it was left.
His mother has been paying privately for therapy for nearly a year for his depression which is over the phone. This is because he won't see a doctor or book an appointment with a GP and she is not able to do it for him since he's an adult.
Nothing has changed, if anything it's worse but he says he likes speaking to the therapist. Mother doesn't know what they talk about as nothing is shared with her.

I could go on about what he is like but it's the same stuff. A 6ft 3 man child just existing in his bedroom with no life.
It's sad, frustrating and draining for everyone.
He will not do anything to help himself at all. The tough love approach has been done to death, it doesn't work. This has been going on since he was 13/14.
The WiFi removed as he spends his days gaming- nothing changed.

We can't see an end, we just want him to be happy but what can we do/try?

OP posts:
Igmum · 05/04/2021 12:50

No advice OP just so sorry for all of you and I hope this thread helps

RandomMess · 05/04/2021 13:17

@Joeblack066 I don't disagree he is unwell but he is refusing to engage. Something needs to change, him having to face that he can't hide in his childhood bedroom forever is the start of that.

Yep I've been very suicidal and depressed in the past for very many long years. I also know DH only sought help when I gave him an ultimatum.

The Mum has nothing to lose.

Original poster
babymanchild · 05/04/2021 13:26

Thanks for all the advice, I have lots to look into. It is definitely a case of him having lots of support but not wanting to help himself in the first instance which is the bit that can be so frustrating.

Just to clarify he's not given money and waited on hand and foot by his mother nor is he like this because she is needy. He has been pushed in every direction and encouraged but being the way he is he is vulnerable.
To kick him out would be like kicking out a 15 year old. The aim is to get him to make progress to the point that this is then an option.

His mother works full time, does the housework, the washing and pays all the bills. Feeds him because he needs to eat and gives him the occasional bit of money like you'd give a teenager.
I have two teenagers and will give them a fiver here and there for absolutely no reason other than to treat them and they'll spend it in the shop on food they like that I don't generally buy.
That's all the money he would get from his mum.
Doesn't top up his phone, just uses the home WiFi to use it.

@Covert19
I often think the same but I'm no expert.

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 05/04/2021 13:26

If Mum went away on holiday and just left him in his bed, how long would it be before he came out of his room to find food/water? And without Mum there to help, how long before he had to venture out of the house to get more supplies? How long before he had to find some money (applying for welfare or getting a job)?

I think this is genius Grin Just remove anything from the house that is easy to sell first! (Including personal documents).

Don't leave food - just ingredients! And a student recipe book casually at hand.

Ailurusfulgens · 05/04/2021 13:27

Sounds like my brother. The relationship between him and my mum made life impossible for both of them. My brother solved it by very suddenly moving to China. It means he has a life. It took years for him to do this though. I think if he'd been forced earlier to engage with life he would not have had to go so far. You can be too supportive as a parent.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 13:31

But he's not 15. And she is waiting on him hand and foot, she feeds him, does all the housework. He has no reason to progress to move out. He's not engaging with all these support. He won't. So again, you leave her and him to it. That's their dynamic and won't change.

Namenic · 05/04/2021 13:31

Is there a way to get him out of his room in order to clean it every day? Perhaps walking with him to job centre or seeing if you can get a mental health professional to visit him in your home? I guess social services may be needed if his condition means he is not adequately self caring (eg if his level of mess is hazardous)? You can talk to your gp and see what can be done?

RaspberryCoulis · 05/04/2021 13:36

Sounds like my cousin. He was a school refuser, parents wouldn't deal with it. Struggled mentally after the death of a grandparent, parents wouldn't deal with it. Left school without sitting GCSEs and ever since all he's done is play on his Playstation. He's almost 24, this has been his life for 7 years. No qualifications. No prospects. Not in the system in any way as they're not claiming benefits for him so nobody's on his case or asking about his plans. No friends because everyone he was at school with has moved on with their lives and he's stuck in this teenage existence of sitting in your room playing video games.

His parents pay for everything and will not engage when people in the wider family raise concerns about his mental health or plans for the future. He refuses to see the GP, parents can't force him.

It's a HUGE mess with no easy solutions, but the longer it goes on, the harder it is to resolve.

19thNamechange · 05/04/2021 13:38

No advice, but just wanted to say I'm so sorry your relatives are in this situation. It's almost impossible to help someone when they have no motivation to help themselves.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 13:41

Sounds like my cousin. He was a school refuser, parents wouldn't deal with it. Struggled mentally after the death of a grandparent, parents wouldn't deal with it.

They can only deal with it so much if the person has PDA, for example. You can't force them. You can use some strategies, but ultimately if they won't engage you cannot force it.

BUT, you can indeed evict them.

Misbeehived · 05/04/2021 13:43

I agree he has depression. Obviously armchair psychology but given this started in childhood I’d wonder about whether he experienced some form of trauma. It’s good he is benefiting from therapy.

“Tough love” really isn’t the answer. I think the main thing is to offer love and support to his mother. I doubt there is a magic bullet for him being so unwell but it must be extremely wearying and difficult for her so anything to care for her would be my advice.

LatentPhase · 05/04/2021 13:51

@RaspberryCoulis

Sounds like my cousin. He was a school refuser, parents wouldn't deal with it. Struggled mentally after the death of a grandparent, parents wouldn't deal with it. Left school without sitting GCSEs and ever since all he's done is play on his Playstation. He's almost 24, this has been his life for 7 years. No qualifications. No prospects. Not in the system in any way as they're not claiming benefits for him so nobody's on his case or asking about his plans. No friends because everyone he was at school with has moved on with their lives and he's stuck in this teenage existence of sitting in your room playing video games.

His parents pay for everything and will not engage when people in the wider family raise concerns about his mental health or plans for the future. He refuses to see the GP, parents can't force him.

It's a HUGE mess with no easy solutions, but the longer it goes on, the harder it is to resolve.

Exact same situation with my DP’s dd. She is turning more and more babyish and inappropriate with every passing year. Unfortunately the parents are a large part of the problem and everyone is held to ransom as a result.

If I had a child in this situation (and I would not let anything like this go on for years ever as non engagement is a dealbreaker for me) I would save up for a deposit/few months rent. Even if I had to live of baked beans for a year. And move him out.

WallaceinAnderland · 05/04/2021 13:51

Just to clarify he's not given money and waited on hand and foot by his mother

His mother works full time, does the housework, the washing and pays all the bills. Feeds him because he needs to eat and gives him the occasional bit of money

Well which is it @babymanchild?

Joeblack066 · 05/04/2021 13:52

@babymanchild

Thanks for all the advice, I have lots to look into. It is definitely a case of him having lots of support but not wanting to help himself in the first instance which is the bit that can be so frustrating.

Just to clarify he's not given money and waited on hand and foot by his mother nor is he like this because she is needy. He has been pushed in every direction and encouraged but being the way he is he is vulnerable.
To kick him out would be like kicking out a 15 year old. The aim is to get him to make progress to the point that this is then an option.

His mother works full time, does the housework, the washing and pays all the bills. Feeds him because he needs to eat and gives him the occasional bit of money like you'd give a teenager.
I have two teenagers and will give them a fiver here and there for absolutely no reason other than to treat them and they'll spend it in the shop on food they like that I don't generally buy.
That's all the money he would get from his mum.
Doesn't top up his phone, just uses the home WiFi to use it.

@Covert19
I often think the same but I'm no expert.

Why is he not on Universal credit? Getting him his own money and a bank account could be a good start. If he can’t do it she could advocate for him?
TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 13:54

He's probably not on UC because that would require engaging with the job centre or he'd lose it. Given his history, he'd apply, not do the journal or engage with the JobCentre, lose the UC and not care as all his needs are taken care of by his mother anyhow.

RaspberryCoulis · 05/04/2021 14:04

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

Sounds like my cousin. He was a school refuser, parents wouldn't deal with it. Struggled mentally after the death of a grandparent, parents wouldn't deal with it.

They can only deal with it so much if the person has PDA, for example. You can't force them. You can use some strategies, but ultimately if they won't engage you cannot force it.

BUT, you can indeed evict them.

That's easier said than done though isn't it. Certainly in my cousin's situation he has in the past threatened suicide when a parent has got to the end of their tether and demanded he went to school, saw a GP or just did something, anything,

What parent is really going to turf a vulnerable person out in the street with that threat hanging over then? Nobody.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 14:06

What parent is really going to turf a vulnerable person out in the street with that threat hanging over then? Nobody.

I would. Because tbh, living with someone who has PDA has driven me to get long past idealising suicide and into the planning stages.

WallaceinAnderland · 05/04/2021 14:10

What parent is really going to turf a vulnerable person out in the street with that threat hanging over then? Nobody.

So are you saying the parent should just shut up and put up because of this emotional blackmail? That they should live the rest of their life according to the whims of another adult.

I'm sure you wouldn't say that if this was an abusive partner. An adult son who refuses to help himself but threatens others to make them meet his needs is just as abusive imo.

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/04/2021 14:11

Certainly in my cousin's situation he has in the past threatened suicide when a parent has got to the end of their tether and demanded he went to school, saw a GP or just did something, anything

You have to withstand this. Call their bluff if they do it for small things. Then, battle won, call their bluff for increasingly harder tasks. They are more likely to fill their face with an entire stack of pizzas than follow through. And if they do cut themselves or swallow a few pills, you can involve health services.

Original poster
babymanchild · 05/04/2021 14:12

@WallaceinAnderland
They're the things you do anyway aren't they? To keep your own life in check. Work, clean, wash, cook. The basics.

That's not waiting on anyone hand and foot.
He doesn't leave his room most of the time, his room is in a bad way and she doesn't clean it for him but she keeps the rest of her house.

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 05/04/2021 14:14

I think at the very least I'd switch the WiFi off. He is likely living online, to the extent that he has any contact with the world it will be with gamers etc. Switch the WiFioff for a few weeks (his mum will have to use her phone I guess) and he will have to begin to engage with the world in small ways.

It's going to have to be tough love. He has no reason to change otherwise.

RaspberryCoulis · 05/04/2021 14:16

The parents of my cousin are too scared to even challenge the smaller behaviours. For example, he kicked off when they asked him to eat in the kitchen with the rest of the family rather than alone in his room. They backed down immediately- so now he eats in his room.

If they're not prepared to challenge that sort of thing, how do they tackle the big stuff?

Fast forward 30 years and he'll still be at home. God knows what'll happen when his parents aren't around any more. Such a waste of a life. Total failure on the part of the parents.

DianaT1969 · 05/04/2021 14:17

I also think the idea of his mum moving out for a period is a great way to break the routine. I hope that she has a partner, sibling or friend she could live with.
We'd all be depressed if we stayed in a room, had no social contact, no sunshine or exercise. Vitamin D deficiency for a start.
If she left him with a couple of days worth of food he'd need to get up to try to survive.
A web cam in the kitchen and ring doorbell could alleviate her worries.
Plus, he'd mentally be on his own for the first time in forever. That might be freeing for him.

WallaceinAnderland · 05/04/2021 14:17

[quote babymanchild]@WallaceinAnderland
They're the things you do anyway aren't they? To keep your own life in check. Work, clean, wash, cook. The basics.

That's not waiting on anyone hand and foot.
He doesn't leave his room most of the time, his room is in a bad way and she doesn't clean it for him but she keeps the rest of her house.
[/quote]
You are kidding yourself.

Who pays for his wifi? Who buys and cooks the food for him, who pays his rent, who washes his clothes?

If he is not waited on hand and foot, what does he actually do. Can you name one single thing?

PotteringAlong · 05/04/2021 14:18

But she buys the food
Pays the bills
Feeds him
Gives him money
Washes his clothes.

And he’s 23. He’s not 15. So actually yes, she does everything for him. He is waited on hand and foot if all the basics of life are presented to him and she does nothing for him. You said tough love doesn’t work but you’ve not laid out anything that she’s done that even remotely sounds like tough love.

You say kicking him out isn’t an option, and that’s fine, but she will be doing this in 20 years time.

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