WWYD? Adult child does nothing

[babymanchild]

I've name changed and asking this to see if I can offer help to a relative in this situation.

Son is 23 and lives at home. Has never left.
No friends, no job, no life. Doesn't leave the house unless it's to get food.
Has had every opportunity but didn't do well at school because he flatly refused to go, refused to go and do his exams. Despite this and due to lots of help from others got a place at a good college but then didn't turn up, again refused to go.
Won't get out of bed.
He has had a few jobs, loses them because he won't get up and go. Through work connections of family has been offered apprenticeships, again stopped going and lost the position.

He's now 23 and does absolutely nothing and is claiming depression. He's been assessed and there was/ is no SEN.

His mother does everything for him but this is not because she wants to, he has no bank account, ID etc

His upbringing was pretty normal although single mother, dad not around. His mother worked full time and stayed single until he was 18.

He spends his days in his room and doesn't leave unless it's for food. His bedroom is revolting and is never cleaned. The house was decorated recently with plans for his room too but he wouldn't leave it or help to move anything so it was left.
His mother has been paying privately for therapy for nearly a year for his depression which is over the phone. This is because he won't see a doctor or book an appointment with a GP and she is not able to do it for him since he's an adult.
Nothing has changed, if anything it's worse but he says he likes speaking to the therapist. Mother doesn't know what they talk about as nothing is shared with her.

I could go on about what he is like but it's the same stuff. A 6ft 3 man child just existing in his bedroom with no life.
It's sad, frustrating and draining for everyone.
He will not do anything to help himself at all. The tough love approach has been done to death, it doesn't work. This has been going on since he was 13/14.
The WiFi removed as he spends his days gaming- nothing changed.

We can't see an end, we just want him to be happy but what can we do/try?

He doesn't have any money. His mum will give him some now and again or birthday/Xmas money but other than that he has nothing.
Has a mobile phone with no contract which just uses the WiFi in the house.

So the money he is given is spent on topping up his mobile. I'd suggest saying I'm not going to give you any money anymore.

Also have a look at The Princes Trust programmes, these are aimed at skills and confidence for 18-30 year olds.

Have you tried the Princes Trust?

www.spirit-of-adventure.com/personal-development/princes-trust/

www.princes-trust.org.uk/Document_Team_Residential-activity-plan-.pdf

MyPatchworkQuilt

SNAP!

Lots more information here. Looks like this lad has a severe case.

www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/failure-to-launch-syndrome/

There are residential courses (takes months) in the States for this. You'll need very deep pockets though.

He needs vision. He needs it broken down into a bite-sized do this, then do that, then that progression chart.
He'll need something to put on his CV - even if he has to be tricked out of his room for it! He needs coaching on CV writing and interview skills. He probably needs to learn to drive. Practical stuff, huge amounts of input from family members with these things - but weigh that up against the cost of doing nothing. Get him talking - start with the games he's into, find out what his dream is - it's probably too huge, but try and cut a chunk off that, that would be achievable with work.

Just because he was assessed with no SEN doesn't mean there isn't, they do and can get it very wrong.
He sounds very depressed, unfortunately there's only so much you can do as the person needs to want change for themselves to change.

Could be PDA.

NONE of this will work because he won't engage. No one can 'get him to a GP' or sectioned/stay at psychiatric hospital (LOL, do you know how bad you have to get to get a place in one?), etc etc.

My son has PDA. The only thing that works on him is kicking him out/leaving him.

Yes, he's vulnerable and it's hard, but he won't engage any other way.

Just leave her to it. If she won't kick him out there's nothing anyone can do because he won't engage.

He's been assessed and there was/ is no SEN

An assessment (when was this done and by who?) can not categorically rule out every SEN known. It sounds like he has significant SEMH issues which is indeed classed as SEN. He really needs to see a GP.

Sounds like a family member, things only changed when his dad died and his mum had had enough and arranged a flat share for him, paid the deposit and kicked him out.
He had some inheritance which he lived off for a while, then was facing homelessness. His mum said he couldn't come back, so he was forced to get a job, he then got a girlfriend and now much older he is totally fine.

My advice would be to give him notice then kick him out.

Just to add before his dad died they'd tried everything, finding him jobs, courses, trying to get him to GP, to talk to him - nothing worked.

The last straw for his mum, was one morning when the cleaner came round to clean the house and he was still in bed and his mum realised she was paying some poor woman to clean up after this fully grown abled bodied man.

[quote babymanchild]@HollowTalk
We really don't know why he is like this.
He was a happy kid, it's like he hit a bad teenager stage and never changed.

He doesn't have any money. His mum will give him some now and again or birthday/Xmas money but other than that he has nothing.
Has a mobile phone with no contract which just uses the WiFi in the house. [/quote]
Your first paragraph here is just like my brother. Now late 30s. Nothing out of the usual as a child, but has remained a very young teenager in many respects.

Nothing my parents have done has changed the situation, and they won’t make him leave as they’re terrified about what would happen. I feel that is the only thing they have control over in the situation. Please just remember that. I don’t know whether this young man is engaging with counselling, and it sounds like you don’t either, but my brother won’t even go despite plenty of encouragement from family who would pay for it. I find it very hard to be sympathetic with his undiagnosed issues as a result.

Please do consider having him move out if things won’t improve. My parents won’t, and are looking at old age worrying about my brother and living in a house that he is gradually taking over.

He has depression and needs help with that. He possibly needs medication to start with and then help to get motivated.

He can claim benefit, give him notice and mean it

I think a lot of the suggestions offers here are way off the mark.
You cannot get anyone to change their behaviour unless there is a desire to do so.
It may be worth speaking to your local CMHT duty nurse for some advice however they will only take referrals from a GP/ Crisis team.
I doubt very much that’s he having a great time and suggestions of any activity based stuff is pointless when he is barely meeting his activities of daily living.
I’d be curious if he is engaging with mum in any way when he is coming out for food?
It is encouraging that he is engaging with the therapist though and while they will not feed any discussion back to mum I’d be tempted to contact and ask for some family support if they offer it. This could be a way in for mum as while not breaching and confidently the therapist may be able to give mum pointers/ direction to engage in conversation in the short time he comes out of his room.
Withdrawing WiFi etc is pointless as that’s not going to “force” him into changing nor is the eviction route although I do accept that’s what some families do.
I think it’s important to remember that this young man is unwell and not lazy etc.
Really interesting info @exexpat that makes a lot of sense for the young adults I work with and we’re left scratching our heads at.

He won't engage. So she puts up with it or evicts him. It's literally like this with my son.

The mum can talk to the GP and therapist, although they cannot share information back with her. I've had to do this a couple of times to get someone the MH support they need.
I would suggest mum calls the surgery, asking for telephone consult & shares her concerns, asking for help. She should let her son know & the therapist, so that hopefully they can all work together.
Very hard to deal with. He's nowhere near being Sectionable.

@D1ngledanglers

The mum can talk to the GP and therapist, although they cannot share information back with her. I've had to do this a couple of times to get someone the MH support they need. I would suggest mum calls the surgery, asking for telephone consult & shares her concerns, asking for help. She should let her son know & the therapist, so that hopefully they can all work together. Very hard to deal with. He's nowhere near being Sectionable.

But if he won't engage, and it sounds like he won't, then it's a moot point.

@RandomMess

I would tempted to do complete tough love and evict them.

If he won't be honest and admit what the problem is and engage with health professionals it could force the issue.

Complete nightmare situation

And we wonder why suicide is so high in this generation!

This young man is definitely depressed; whether that is a stand condition or coexists with something else ie anxiety is for a medic to evaluate. He needs to see his doctor in the first instance. I know the NHS has very limited resources for MH- if family finances can run to it, please look at a private spot. We have had to resort to this (single parent/ never had much money) but DD 24 has not seen a psychiatrist in 10 years of MH diagnosis. We are currently awaiting her results.
Please get him seen.

He sounds really unwell.

This young man is definitely depressed; whether that is a stand condition or coexists with something else ie anxiety is for a medic to evaluate. He needs to see his doctor in the first instance. I know the NHS has very limited resources for MH- if family finances can run to it, please look at a private spot. We have had to resort to this (single parent/ never had much money) but DD 24 has not seen a psychiatrist in 10 years of MH diagnosis. We are currently awaiting her results.
Please get him seen.

You can't! You can't 'get him seen' or treated unless he's willing to engage because he's an adult.

And no one knows if he's depressed or what have you.

Mine has PDA. If he refuses to engage, there's no forcing him to do it. So there's no hope for it but to evict him or leave once he's old enough.

@MyPatchworkQuilt

*He doesn't have any money. His mum will give him some now and again or birthday/Xmas money but other than that he has nothing. Has a mobile phone with no contract which just uses the WiFi in the house.*

So the money he is given is spent on topping up his mobile. I'd suggest saying I'm not going to give you any money anymore.

Also have a look at The Princes Trust programmes, these are aimed at skills and confidence for 18-30 year olds.

I agree with the princes trust programme. I did that when I was 16/17 and honestly, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I wasn't as bad as the OPs relative, but I was very depressed and stayed in my room a lot. But my mum signed me up, and I forced myself to go. I learnt a lot, and was able to show myself I could do things. I went onto college after that, and ended up with a degree. I doubt it would have happened if I didn't do it.

There were lots of young people who where there for different reasons and even though I did it almost 20 years ago, I met one of the best people I have ever met in my life and she is still a treasured friend.

The tough love approach has been done to death, it doesn't work.

With free board and being waited on hand and foot, this does not surprise me.

As you have discovered, he has to help himself.

As long as he has everyone else running around after him, he is not going to do that.

I would be asking him to leave for starters.

If he asks for help, I would help. But I would not carry on doing the same thing and expect any different result.

In cases like this, I wonder whether the depression is the cause or the result of his lifestyle.

If Mum went away on holiday and just left him in his bed, how long would it be before he came out of his room to find food/water? And without Mum there to help, how long before he had to venture out of the house to get more supplies? How long before he had to find some money (applying for welfare or getting a job)?

Kicking him out seems really harsh, but leaving him to it could see results, if Mum had somewhere she could go for a week or twelve.

I'd be tempted to leave him with one loo roll, a packet of cornflakes, 4 pints of milk and nothing else. Maybe set up a spy camera to see how he fares.