WWYD? Adult child does nothing

[babymanchild]

I've name changed and asking this to see if I can offer help to a relative in this situation.

Son is 23 and lives at home. Has never left.
No friends, no job, no life. Doesn't leave the house unless it's to get food.
Has had every opportunity but didn't do well at school because he flatly refused to go, refused to go and do his exams. Despite this and due to lots of help from others got a place at a good college but then didn't turn up, again refused to go.
Won't get out of bed.
He has had a few jobs, loses them because he won't get up and go. Through work connections of family has been offered apprenticeships, again stopped going and lost the position.

He's now 23 and does absolutely nothing and is claiming depression. He's been assessed and there was/ is no SEN.

His mother does everything for him but this is not because she wants to, he has no bank account, ID etc

His upbringing was pretty normal although single mother, dad not around. His mother worked full time and stayed single until he was 18.

He spends his days in his room and doesn't leave unless it's for food. His bedroom is revolting and is never cleaned. The house was decorated recently with plans for his room too but he wouldn't leave it or help to move anything so it was left.
His mother has been paying privately for therapy for nearly a year for his depression which is over the phone. This is because he won't see a doctor or book an appointment with a GP and she is not able to do it for him since he's an adult.
Nothing has changed, if anything it's worse but he says he likes speaking to the therapist. Mother doesn't know what they talk about as nothing is shared with her.

I could go on about what he is like but it's the same stuff. A 6ft 3 man child just existing in his bedroom with no life.
It's sad, frustrating and draining for everyone.
He will not do anything to help himself at all. The tough love approach has been done to death, it doesn't work. This has been going on since he was 13/14.
The WiFi removed as he spends his days gaming- nothing changed.

We can't see an end, we just want him to be happy but what can we do/try?

@Steptoeshorse1965

I take no prisoners here. He ought to have been dealt with a while ago. The fist stage ought to have been the cleanliness of the room, then his outlook on life and getting a job of some kind, or doing some form of part time study to improve his work chances. He's an adult, and the time is clearly here for him to start acting like one.

Frankly, he'd either shape up or he'd be out. The more you cosset him, the more he will take advantage. He will be a burden to you when he's fifty if you keep this up.

Really not helpful.

The OP isn't the parent for a start.

Also what could have been done years ago is now a moot point - for whatever reason it wasn't done and OP can't travel back in time and tackle a developing situation. All that can be done is to try to put things in place to deal with the situation as it is now. There is a lot more to all of these situations than "taking advantage".

Agree with what someone else said upthread - how do you deal with a complete refusal to engage?

I thought PDA as well before I read the comments as I have a family member very similar. Refuses to do a single thing they do not want to do. In their case, they get aggressive if pushed to do something and then everyone backs off.

Yes @WallaceinAnderland she's desperate for help and really isn't happy or comfortable with the situation. We talk about it all the time.
She's stuck between a rock and a hard place. Of course it's come up before about cutting all the support, putting him on the waiting list for a place to live etc. That's how I know she won't kick him out. She thinks he'll rot away on his own. It isn't because she likes to baby him or anything like that.
She's envious of others young adult children or even my teenagers who are out enjoying life, meeting friends, studying etc or doing well in their jobs.

That's what my OP is asking really, what is there to do for someone who really won't engage or help themselves and it seems there isn't much which I expected but there's always a chance someone will say something you haven't thought of or point you in the direction of someone who could help.

@VerityWibbleWobble
Sorry I didn't mean the school assessed but I know it started with them when he was a young teenager. I don't know all the details of who or where but I know there was some referrals at some point and no definite diagnosis.

That's what my OP is asking really, what is there to do for someone who really won't engage or help themselves

There's nothing.

That is the blunt reality. Even with unlimited resources and unlimited funding, there is nothing anyone can do if the person won't engage.

If the mother won't engage either, nothing will change.

Does she know this? Is she just choosing for him to rot away in her house rather than on his own. That does not seem very kind to me.

A life crisis for a grandparent could force the Mum to leave her son to fend for himself for a while. I had to leave my lot to it and go look after a relative out of hospital after major abdominal surgery.

@ThereforeIAm

I thought PDA as well before I read the comments as I have a family member very similar. Refuses to do a single thing they do not want to do. In their case, they get aggressive if pushed to do something and then everyone backs off.

Yep, my son is this way. It is really heart-breaking but they will completely drain you and lead you to despair of being alive and, well, just are not really capable of giving much of a toss. You have to learn to disengage yourself. It's an awful, awful condition. They're vulnerable, but not in the way you'd think, particularly not at 23.

Following... my brother is exactly the same. 27 this year and no desire to help himself. But he is also being enabled too so...
We suspect he's bipolar but he refuses to go to the doctors at all because he is really stuck up about help through medication (or any mental health help at all!)
My Mum died in 2019 and he's using his inheritance to self medicate on spirits and using it as an excuse not to sign on to the job centre.
My dad is struggling to feed and house them. I dread to think what will happen when my Dad dies too because I'm not homing him here.

@EThreepwood

Following... my brother is exactly the same. 27 this year and no desire to help himself. But he is also being enabled too so... We suspect he's bipolar but he refuses to go to the doctors at all because he is really stuck up about help through medication (or any mental health help at all!) My Mum died in 2019 and he's using his inheritance to self medicate on spirits and using it as an excuse not to sign on to the job centre. My dad is struggling to feed and house them. I dread to think what will happen when my Dad dies too because I'm not homing him here.

And that's all you can do. BIL is the same but no mental health issues. He has mild dyspraxia. But he's entirely enabled by MIL (and was by FIL before he died) and steadfastly refuses to engage with anything. So all we could do is make it clear we will not be providing any care for him once MIL dies or becomes incapacitated. None.

So I'm also a bloke a similar age to the guy in question, and I too had quite severe depression, the messy room is a classic symptom of the illness, I sometimes still struggle to keep mine in order. What I would say is that I never had the lack of drive, so I can't comment on that aspect of it but other posters are absolutely correct in saying he MUST want to change.

I would strongly recommend watching Jordan Peterson stuff, most of which isn't political, its a clinical psychology talking about getting exactly the help he needs. I'd say a good goal would be to get him a warehouse job via an agency (there are loads and don't require qualifications) as I know this helped reset me after i was very ill. Its likely he'll relapse a few times, but even a depressed mind cannot ignore the implicit self worth of a payslip hitting every week. If you can get him doing this he may eventually kick on to gear amd have the desire to live, rather than simply not being dead, which is where it sounds like he is now. After you've plied him with some of those videos hopefully he'll start going down the rabbit hole of self worth stuff, and you might be able to get him to go to a GP. It's going to be very upsetting for him once he realises what he's done, so expect a very upset individual once he realises what he has before him.

Yes it is worrying to think about their future. I don’t know if/how they could ever be independent.

@ThereforeIam

Yes it is worrying to think about their future. I don’t know if/how they could ever be independent.

It is. But they have to be independent even if it means living on the street because many will not engage with anyone.

I would suggest reading about non- violent resistance tactics used in difficult family situations.
There are case studies online that seem similar and a book I would suggest is 'A non-violent resistance approach for children in distress'.
It's too long to go into detail here but there might be strategies that can help.

Having known someone with a similar son, turning the wifi off was the start of him eventually changing and accepting help from the doctor to lead a more normal life. At the same time as the wifi was turned off, because he would rarely speak to any of the family his father removed the door to his room and they would stand at the doorway and chat to him until they got some sort of response. It was a bloody awful time for the whole family.

@Crankley

Having known someone with a similar son, turning the wifi off was the start of him eventually changing and accepting help from the doctor to lead a more normal life. At the same time as the wifi was turned off, because he would rarely speak to any of the family his father removed the door to his room and they would stand at the doorway and chat to him until they got some sort of response. It was a bloody awful time for the whole family.

If he has PDA, he might become very violent at this.

She thinks he'll rot away on his own.

The family member I talked about upthread, who was moved out by his mum after his dad died, did carry on for quite a few months like this until his money ran out. He then superficially tried to get a job hoping his mum would take him back as he'd at least tried.

But as she was so incredibly fed up, she told him to go to a homeless shelter at the end of the month. He came to me and another family member, hoping we'd bale him out but we told him to get a job.

That was when he realised he'd hit rock bottom.
Unbelievably, he got a job that week and slowly he began to make a life. He was in his early twenties when this happened.

It's impossible to get someone to engage when they don't want to.