Compulsive liars - why do you do it?

[Smokeandashes]

The chat about Walter Mitty types made me think about a guy I was friends with at uni (I use the term loosely!). He would tell the most obvious lies... Like Jay from the Inbetweeners... He got 20 As at GCSE - this was before As had been brought in but they brought him in specially for him because he was so bright. Then they were introduced for the rest of the population a couple of years later. He had been offered a place at Cambridge - all paid for - but turned it down to go to our (shite) uni. He was offered a record deal by P Diddy. 99% of the time we didn't call him out on it because, I think, we were too polite? He had a bit of a mean streak and I never wanted to get on his bad side. I guess it comes from a place of insecurity but I would love to know if anyone on here is a compulsive liar? Did you grow out of it? What's it like to be related to one? I find the whole thing a bit spooky tbh. I think it's different from someone lying about their CV and then being trapped in a web of lies they can't get out of.

I worked with a woman who was a compulsive liar once - I guess the clue is in the term, "compulsive": they can't stop themselves then they are too far in and can't admit the truth without looking idiots.

My brother worked for one once, but his lies were hilarious. He was a specialist builder, fair enough, he did some lovely restoration work; but claimed to have a professorship in particle physics (he didn't), to speak and think in fluent French (he didn't), and to be literally descended from Uther Pendragon (err, no).

I think he just liked bigging himself up.

If you mentioned anyone famous, he knew them; if you discussed a subject, he had a PhD in it.

I have a friend of a friend like this, I try to avoid her the I find her exhausting but I think pp is right it is compulsive she can't stop herself and doesnt seem to have any awareness at all how ridiculous she comes across.

My ex-sister in law was a compulsive liar, she had every qualification going, had held down every job known to man, was a medical expert, had been in the police force, fire service, knew everyone, could do everything. It was exhausting when in reality she was an alcoholic who had failed at pretty much everything in life but she just couldn't help herself spinning these tales. Sad really.

I used to make up stuff as a kid, I was lonely, insecure and had no social skills other than the merciless teasing and bullying that went on at home. Youngest kid, never the best at anything and naive.

I grew out of it over time. I try not to lie at all these days. I am who I am, even though it's very dull and ordinary at least it's authentic.

The excellent Scottish phrase “did you aye?” Comes into it’s own in situations such as these.

Urgh I am related to one. You won't get any answers OP because they will die before they admit it.

My youngest dd is a compulsive liar. She has bi polar and when she is manic she makes grandiose statements about herself. What is more wearing is the petty small lies for absolutely no reason. Like this morning. Downstairs stunk of egg. I asked her had she cooked an egg? No was the response. I went off muttering about the drains smelling again. Later went into the kitchen . Egg shell on the worktop. DD did you cook an egg? Answer, yes in the microwave. Well no wonder it smells, but why the lie.?

My XH was a liar (not sure if it was compulsive as that sounds more like some kind of disorder) but he used to automatically lie about really stupid stuff - If I said 'have you put the bin out' he'd say 'yes' when he hadn't - just silly unnecessary lies. I think he got a kind of thrill from being caught out - although I don't know why because nothing happened apart from me saying 'why did you say you did when you didn't?'

His ultimate lie was having an affair - so I suppose deep down he was addicted to lying. Maybe real life was too dull, or he was too dull or something so he made stuff up - who knows?

I did sometimes wonder if it was because his parents were both strict and inconsistent and unfair - they'd say 'we won't punish you if you tell the truth' but then they would punish, so at least if he lied he had a chance of getting away with things. But maybe they punished because he told so many lies.

It is pretty hellish to live with someone who can't tell the truth, especially when it's something important.

DD was friends with a girl who lied constantly, and her parents believed all the lies. It was very wearing. I know her mum pretty well, and she lies a lot too - maybe it's hereditary.

I don't know if she thinks she's telling the truth though?

Not sure if a true compulsive liar, but colleague who had husband taller than he was, she was taller than him in reality, he was short, but she felt the need to say he was taller. Kids were Oxford material, from primary to secondary yet didn’t make it into grammar, everything just perfect in general. Total and utter rubbish! He even had an affair and she was given the evidence, remained in total denial and believed it when he was apparently covering for a mate who was having the affair. Said the husband of the OW was lying. it’s a difficult one to call out and say ‘look, he’s 5’5” why say he’s 5’8? Embarrassing...

I don’t think their mouths are connected to their brains as lies just seem to tumble out without any thought. I can imagine it would be awkward to have to say “actually what I just said wasn’t true, sorry” constantly and so it continues without acknowledgement.

I used to work with a woman who used to embellish everything but from what she told me (which could have been lies, I suppose?) she had an awful time growing up. She was obviously insecure and I imagine being a habitual liar would make someone even more insecure about themselves.

I’ve always been fascinated by this.

I went to school with a girl who lied constantly about the most bizarre stuff - apparently she’d killed someone by removing their Adam’s apple(??!?) and she also told us her dad was dead, when he definitely wasn’t (her sister also went to our school and she confirmed he wasn’t dead).

It concerns me somewhat as she now works in the medical profession. I often wonder whether she’s grown out of it now, or whether she regales the people in her care with the same sort of tales

That killing by removing the adams apple is oddly specific

Istandwithjackieweaver - I honestly never put two and two together there about the compulsive part of "compulsive liar" meaning they can't help it. Is it like a tic, maybe? Similar to how someone with that particular type of tourretts can't stop themself. And if they try it really hurts them.

Because several million people voted for the party he misleads.

My dsis seems to attract them. She has had 3 people latch onto her at completely separate points in her life (school, uni, work) and the penny has dropped after a day or so. It's very strange.

I don't think my "friend" had bi-polar although the girls my dsis knew all seemed to have MH problems of some sort or another. One had a diagnosis of BPD. My friend ended up getting married - it was an arranged marriage. I can't imagine how weird it would have been for his poor wife if he carried on with his lying! I would love to know if you can grow out of it??

I used to have a friend like this.

I think she has terrible self esteem and constantly had to big up herself.
As a consequence, at the end, I simply didn’t believe a word she said, and I’d estimate that about 90% of that she said was pure shite. There may have been a grain of truth to whatever story she was telling, but not much.

It’s one of the reasons we’re no longer friends.

@CuthbertDibbleandGrubb

Because several million people voted for the party he misleads.

🤣 I think that the kind of blustering, posturing lying of politicians is a different kind of lying though? They lie for convenience / to avoid getting into trouble / to make themselves look good. Same as a cheating husband might. But they don't lie for the sake of it, I don't think. Maybe some do lol

@Lunariagal

I used to have a friend like this.

I think she has terrible self esteem and constantly had to big up herself.
As a consequence, at the end, I simply didn’t believe a word she said, and I’d estimate that about 90% of that she said was pure shite. There may have been a grain of truth to whatever story she was telling, but not much.

It’s one of the reasons we’re no longer friends.

I would be interested to know if there is a history of severe abuse or trauma for a lot of compulsive liars. Like it is some kind of disassociation.

I have a friend who tells porkies. By chance I met her the other day in a shop, and she had all sorts of tall tales to tell. One was quite specific, and a couple of minutes later she accidentally contradicted herself, realised, and covered it up. I can't help wondering if she knows I know?

The trouble is, when you know someone like this, some of it probably is true, but you end up disbelieving everything anyway. Such a shame, she's a really nice person apart from that.

@expectopelargonium

I have a friend who tells porkies. By chance I met her the other day in a shop, and she had all sorts of tall tales to tell. One was quite specific, and a couple of minutes later she accidentally contradicted herself, realised, and covered it up. I can't help wondering if she knows I know?

The trouble is, when you know someone like this, some of it probably is true, but you end up disbelieving everything anyway. Such a shame, she's a really nice person apart from that.

Oh I would love to know if they know you know! They must do, right?

I used to do this, I absolutely cringe now looking back. I embarrassingly once got compared to Jay from the inbetweeners in secondary school . I didn't watch it at the time so I never made the connection. It also never seemed to occur to me how obvious it is when someone lies a lot, now when I meet someone like this I can see right through them.

Why? For attention I suppose is the main reason. I was abused as a child and was taught to lie (by my abuser) so lying wasn't unusual for me. I've thought about this a lot and the way I can best describe it is, I couldn't get the attention I needed based on telling the truth because, well you don't tell people about child abuse so I made things up to compensate.

Yes I grew out of it. I'm in my twenties now and wouldn't dream of making things up to impress people or gain sympathy.

I think it's quite common when you're younger, I know at least two of my friends did this too or maybe I just attracted likeminded weirdos. I do wonder why some people never grow out of it.

The lying is maybe similar to the dynamic of childhood stealing (and hiding things). I've read that the stealing is a reaction to 'dysfunctional family dynamic' aka shitty childhood.

Like sad little magpies collecting shiny things and imagining shiny stories about themselves to make life bearable.

And most people grow out of it when they develop self-awareness.

The interesting thing is why some don't, I guess.

I've met a few.
One in particular I worked with. She lied over and over about having a miscarriage every other month.
No dates or anything tallied up.
She thought no one knew but her dh worked away most of the time.
She ended up slipping up once talking to a new colleague and saying she can't wait to come off the pill to start trying for a baby when her dh is home. And she was worried as been in pill since 15.

She did it everytime someone maybe had an issue at home or maybe off sick etc. Very attention seeking

I had a friend who just lies constantly - always to make herself seem better/ grander/ richer/ more popular etc. Although it's everything from "I've already bought 87466 cupcakes for your DCs party tomorrow" (turns up with something completely different, never mentions the cupcakes again) to "I am invited to x celebrity's wedding" (on the day x got married, she went to Peppa Pig World - not the wedding at Babbington House.) I've known her really well all my life, so I know she wasn't abused etc. - she actually had a very privileged upbringing but always felt that she was somehow owed more. Her father was the same. And now she's got DC and she lies in front of them about them, saying that they're at a particular private school when they're not, they're at the (excellent) local church school, and I've tried to persuade her to get help and offered to support her in getting help but she won't and I can't take the lies any more (she told w mutual friend lies about me) so we're no longer friends. It's very sad actually.