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Original poster

Compulsive liars - why do you do it?

104 replies

Smokeandashes · 30/03/2021 16:26

The chat about Walter Mitty types made me think about a guy I was friends with at uni (I use the term loosely!). He would tell the most obvious lies... Like Jay from the Inbetweeners... He got 20 As at GCSE - this was before As had been brought in but they brought him in specially for him because he was so bright. Then they were introduced for the rest of the population a couple of years later. He had been offered a place at Cambridge - all paid for - but turned it down to go to our (shite) uni. He was offered a record deal by P Diddy. 99% of the time we didn't call him out on it because, I think, we were too polite? He had a bit of a mean streak and I never wanted to get on his bad side. I guess it comes from a place of insecurity but I would love to know if anyone on here is a compulsive liar? Did you grow out of it? What's it like to be related to one? I find the whole thing a bit spooky tbh. I think it's different from someone lying about their CV and then being trapped in a web of lies they can't get out of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smokeandashes · 31/03/2021 00:02

@BurbageBrook

I had a friend at uni just like this too. She told all sorts of completely implausible, outrageous lies with a straight face.
That was what my friend was like. The straight face, even when it was the most implausable claims e.g singlehandedly defeating a gang of armed robbers and that's why he was late to a lecture. It was so so weird. Sometimes it felt like he was testing us. My friend remembers it too. We didn't know much about his background or if he himself had had an abusive childhood. I almost want to get back in touch with him to see if he is still like that now
OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 31/03/2021 00:06

@Smokeandashes sounds really similar! I’d love to give examples of her lies but I think it would be too outing as I’ve told so many people about her!

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 31/03/2021 00:14

My dad wa a compulsive liar, he also had a very difficult relationship with his mother, he got blamed and yelled at a lot of the time.

MistyAsh · 31/03/2021 00:19

I am a compulsive liar. I know I am. DH knows I am (and also can tell when I'm lying). I hate myself for it but often I have told the lie before I've even realised I'm about to and then can't backtrack. It's little every day things rather than big things to make me more impressive sounding. (Although I have told big lies too). I don't know why I do it. I have always done it though and it seems easier/ more comforting to lie than to tell the truth. I don't know who I am as a person as I can mould myself easily around the people I am with and that scares me.

OutComeTheWolves · 31/03/2021 00:26

I used to lie a lot and now that I'm aware of it I have to make a really conscious effort to make sure I'm honest.

For me it's twofold. I'm a crap conversationalist so I end up exaggerating a lot when I'm telling a story to make it (and I suppose me) seem funnier/more interesting etc.

The other reason - and the one I make an effort to stop, is that I often feel like I don't have a good sense of who I am and I end up trying to present a version of me that I think people might like.

Homemadearmy · 31/03/2021 00:28

We have a compulsive liar in work. Massive lies about owning multiple properties, having a rich fiancé, to small lies about going swimming of a evening. She's in her 60s so not likely to change

MistyAsh · 31/03/2021 00:29

@OutComeTheWolves the lying because you don't know who you are is true for me too. How did you stop? I have tried so hard but just can't seem to break the cycle. Sad

MarieDelaere · 31/03/2021 00:40

she thinks no one would like the real her

I think there's a lot in this.

Pippin2028 · 31/03/2021 00:44

I have a relative who I wouldn't say is an outright liar but is prone to enormous exaggeration, for example if she goes on holiday for a week somewhere she suddenly becomes the expert in that country, she spent 3 months of her early 20s in the USA but makes out to anyone that she has lived for a long time in the USA and knows NY and LA better than anyone.
Or if she has met someone well known or semi famous suddenly she's friends with them just because they were at the same bar in London (pre covid)
Although I did see her dating profile and it was full of lies, and I thought how if you do meet anyone and hit it off with them wil you explain this away?
I really looked up to this person when I was younger and hung onto their every word, but now it's quite hard to take them seriously with some of the blatant lies and exaggerations.

AliceAliceWhoTheFook · 31/03/2021 01:54

I've known 4 compulsive liars in my life.

The first was a girl at school. I believed everything she said until the lies got bigger and more outlandish that I realised she lied about everything.

The other two were men I knew (separately) at work. One told crazy unbelievable lies and the other just lied about everything and anything so it eventually became obvious that nothing was true.

The last is my SIL. She had a difficult childhood and I can see her lies stem from low self esteem. She somehow wants to "compete" with me and so says their family has better holidays than we do (but then actually doesn't go), the kids do certain activities and are at Olympic level at age 7(!) I am in no way in competition with her - our kids are similar ages but we are all different. I just wish she would stop the lies. She would be such a lovely person if she stopped all the lies. It's just all so odd. As PP have said, the lie is always so obvious. The whole family knows she lies. She must know that we know.

OutComeTheWolves · 31/03/2021 05:22

[quote MistyAsh]@OutComeTheWolves the lying because you don't know who you are is true for me too. How did you stop? I have tried so hard but just can't seem to break the cycle. Sad[/quote]
Honestly I realised people were starting to catch on and just thought that of all the things people may or may not think of me, I didn't want one of those things to be that I talk a load of shite. If I'd been out with a friend and made shit up, I started texting them afterwards to say actually I wasn't honest before. That was sufficiently embarrassing to make me more conscious of what came out of my mouth in the first place!

I wouldn't say I've stopped completely but I'm much better. I still hate how easily I lie though. It's usually out of my mouth before my brain has even thought about it.

I read something that really resonated with me in the Philipa Perry book about kids who grow up having to please others a lot end up as adults who don't really know who they are. I've totally paraphrased there but that's definitely me!

HelpfulBelle · 31/03/2021 06:18

I don’t know if this counts as lying, but if DH hasn’t seen a certain movie, he can never admit it.

He says, ‘I’ve never seen that film ALL THE WAY THROUGH’. I snapped the other day and said, ‘you mean you not seen the film at all?’ and he replied, ‘no, I’ve seen bits of it’ at which point I left the room to rage elsewhere Hmm

Ceebeegee · 31/03/2021 07:08

I worked with someone who was a compulsive liar. You really do end up not believing anything they say.
I thought it was interesting how they could keep a straight face when telling the more elaborate lies , but does this mean that they actually believe them ?
The two that stick out , was that they had applied to join the army. They had excelled so much in their entrance exam , he had a call from the Head of MI5 to fast track him into a senior secret service position because they've never seen such outstanding results in the exam(?!). Nothing came of it , hes struggled to keep hold of a labourers job and didn't get into the army.
Another one , he found a rare Norwegian diamond when metal detecting in Scotland. Worth £10million pounds but he couldn't really talk about it because of a non disclosure agreement (?!) . Funnily enough, when he was questioned about it , he used the non disclosure excuse to change the subject. A lie to cover a lie.

Sexnotgender · 31/03/2021 08:24

I used to work with one.

Didn’t turn up for work one day. Claimed to have been hit by a car and in intensive care unconscious. All absolute nonsense.

WiseOwlOne · 31/03/2021 08:26

Core wound of not feeling seen, heard or adequate but choosing lies over self awareness :-/

WiseOwlOne · 31/03/2021 08:34

@IpDipDip that honesty is very valuable to this discussion i think.

I think my parents raised me to be what they wanted me to me, raised me to refect well on them. I was nice girl. Born to please. Trained to please. I feel like i understand why people lie. To be seen! For a moment! But it's sad because they still werent seen for anything real.

Lunariagal · 31/03/2021 08:35

@smokeandashes

I don’t think she’d had the greatest of childhoods. She’s the eldest of 3 siblings with a small age gap, and I think her parents attention was focussed on the younger ones. She lost her mum as a young adult.

I think a lot of this is due to poor self esteem. When I meet someone new, what interests me is, are they a nice person? Are they easy to be around? She thinks that they are more likely to be interested in her if they are impressed by her. But because she doesn’t shut up and talks only about herself, frequently people just avoid her. I can see how this would feed back into the need to “big herself up”:some more when she speaks to people.

I feel sorry for her in some respects, but if I was to tell her, even when w3 were friends, it would have fallen on deaf ears.

AlexCabot · 31/03/2021 08:52

Someone I know irl lies a lot on here. I'd never call her out on it as it's all about pretty harmless stuff (no awful grief trolling or anything) but it does make me quite sad. She's actually a really decent person but has a terrible inferiority complex.

DD has a friend that dh and I refer to as Jay. This kid has been everywhere, done everything, her life is just one drama after another. She told dd that her mother died giving birth to her and the woman raising her is her stepmother.

Apart from the fact that her parents recently celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary (Jay is 14) on Jays birthday her 'stepmother' posted a photo of her holding Jay right after she was born!

I worked with a fella who was a compulsive liar. Was apparently earning £2000 a week working for his dad but kept his job at McDonald's because he got bored otherwise, had a brand new Range Rover but cycled to work because he didn't want to risk the car getting scratched in the car park....

It was a shame, he wasn't a bad person, just very insecure. There was a spate of petty thefts from the staff room and because he had a reputation for being dishonest the finger was pointed at him but he was completely innocent.

Unless the lies are actually damaging to other people, I tend to view the Jays of the world with pity rather than anything else. They're quite unhappy really.

stopthrowingyourfood · 31/03/2021 09:34

I knew a girl in my teens who lied compuls

stopthrowingyourfood · 31/03/2021 09:35

Bloody fingers.

Lied compulsively. She was adopted, meeting her real parents, her dad had cancer, was having a foot amputated. No abuse at home. I stopped talking to her when she made some lies up about me.

ipseity · 31/03/2021 09:40

Unless the lies are actually damaging to other people, I tend to view the Jays of the world with pity rather than anything else. They're quite unhappy really.

Yes I feel like this too, there must be something really troubling them deep down even if they never show it to the outside world. I feel weirdly protective when others call them out on their (unproblematic) lies in front of me as I hate to think how they must feel in that moment and also how they’ll cope with what happened when alone later on in the day.

stopthrowingyourfood · 31/03/2021 09:42

@MistyAsh

I am a compulsive liar. I know I am. DH knows I am (and also can tell when I'm lying). I hate myself for it but often I have told the lie before I've even realised I'm about to and then can't backtrack. It's little every day things rather than big things to make me more impressive sounding. (Although I have told big lies too). I don't know why I do it. I have always done it though and it seems easier/ more comforting to lie than to tell the truth. I don't know who I am as a person as I can mould myself easily around the people I am with and that scares me.
What does your husband say?
wingsnthat · 31/03/2021 09:46

Not me but I think it’s a manifestation of insecurity. It’s also attention seeking behaviour.

I hate them. My thoughts are, if you’re comfortable enough to lie to me about such mundane shit, what else are you hiding? When it comes to something serious, are they going to continue to lie and twist the truth? It just shows a complete lack of respect for me and I want nothing to do with such a person

Poppercot · 31/03/2021 09:56

I know someone who lies all the time. But weirdly, not about big show off type things. Just really mundane things like if you said where did you get those shoes- they’d say x shop when it was y shop. I’ve often wondered why they lie so much about insignificant stuff. I think they must get a thrill out of ‘pulling the wool over your eyes’. In reality it just makes spending time with this person really hard work, can never just relax because I’m always thinking is this a lie or the truth??

BashfulClam · 31/03/2021 10:05

@BaggoMcoys

With both the liars in my last post, I grew to recognise they had special lying voices. I could spot the lies by the tone of voice and certain facial expressions. I'm no longer in touch with the uni friend but my ex is dd's father so we're in regular contact by phone and I can always hear if he is lying.
I had a cheating ex who was also an actor, he never could work out how I knew he was lying but his demeanour and voice would change slightly as he was in acting mode. He was a very good actor but lazy so never really made it.