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Compulsive liars - why do you do it?

104 replies

Smokeandashes · 30/03/2021 16:26

The chat about Walter Mitty types made me think about a guy I was friends with at uni (I use the term loosely!). He would tell the most obvious lies... Like Jay from the Inbetweeners... He got 20 As at GCSE - this was before As had been brought in but they brought him in specially for him because he was so bright. Then they were introduced for the rest of the population a couple of years later. He had been offered a place at Cambridge - all paid for - but turned it down to go to our (shite) uni. He was offered a record deal by P Diddy. 99% of the time we didn't call him out on it because, I think, we were too polite? He had a bit of a mean streak and I never wanted to get on his bad side. I guess it comes from a place of insecurity but I would love to know if anyone on here is a compulsive liar? Did you grow out of it? What's it like to be related to one? I find the whole thing a bit spooky tbh. I think it's different from someone lying about their CV and then being trapped in a web of lies they can't get out of.

OP posts:
Smokeandashes · 31/03/2021 10:41

@ReginaaPhalange

An old friend of mine got a job as soon as she left school and met her sons father at work. She never had a boyfriend before him. She used to belittle him and tell him that some guy she used to date, who was 'loaded' used to buy her all the expensive Louboutin shoes, jewellery etc and one day, he died and he had left her his Range Rover in his will. It was funny cause I never knew the guy, she had never mentioned him before, I never saw the shoes or jewellery and I certainly never saw a Range Rover, just an old corsa! She just used to say this to make her sons father buy more things for her. They eventually split up and she told people he beat her up one night and detailed everything that had happened. What she doesn't know is that her ex worked with my brothers best friend and they were on a stag do that weekend in Prague. The attack didn't happen...

Thing is, she denies ever saying these things!has no recollection but I remember it clear as day! That's just the tip of the iceberg for all her lies. That's why I ended up distancing myself from her.

That is so disturbing! Sad That poor guy could have gone to prison or something.

That is so weird about not remembering, maybe she goes into altered state when she lies?? Like sleepwalking or something 🤔 or maybe she just lies about not remembering Grin

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Smokeandashes · 31/03/2021 10:50

@stopthrowingyourfood

Bloody fingers.

Lied compulsively. She was adopted, meeting her real parents, her dad had cancer, was having a foot amputated. No abuse at home. I stopped talking to her when she made some lies up about me.

Just realised that most of the compulsive liars lie about themselves (or their DC) but don't lie about others. It would be so dangerous otherwise.

I would love to know if there is a specialist "Lie Clinic" you can get referred to, the same way as there is psychological support for other things like eating disorders, gambling, self harm etc. For people really want to stop but can't

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NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 31/03/2021 10:56

I had a friend in high school like this. I’m pretty sure it was attention seeking or she was desperate for some kind of validation. Her mum died when she was in year 7 (I didn’t really know her then as we went to different primary schools) and it was quite traumatic for me so I think it stemmed from that. She would lie about silly little things, eg. In year 9/10 I smoked and she gave me a packet of cigarettes. Told me her older sister brought some back from holiday and she stole a pack for me, when in reality she bought them at the shop. Would tell daft lies all the time that were mainly harmless but she would get reallllly upset when you called her out on them. She did get better about that was we got older, sadly fell out of touch when we got to about 20 and she’s not on social media now so I don’t know if she is still like that or not.

ipseity · 31/03/2021 10:59

Perhaps lying is linked to poor memory - as in, if their memory of the lie is blurred then they assume everyone else’s must be too? Perhaps they think everyone else remembers their words in the same poor way they do? The habitual liar I worked with was a very poor listener, so perhaps she thought nobody actually took note of what she said in the same way she never listened to anyone properly?

Poor memory is linked to trauma, as are overactive minds (possible cause of lying?). Idk, so many theories!!

Salarymallory · 31/03/2021 11:03

Recent thread that OP started about her sleeping 3 year old
30 pages of support
And then someone did an advanced search
Lies, all lies
Pulled by mumsnet

That is so disturbing. Lying about your child and possible cancer

Smokeandashes · 31/03/2021 11:04

@wingsnthat

Not me but I think it’s a manifestation of insecurity. It’s also attention seeking behaviour.

I hate them. My thoughts are, if you’re comfortable enough to lie to me about such mundane shit, what else are you hiding? When it comes to something serious, are they going to continue to lie and twist the truth? It just shows a complete lack of respect for me and I want nothing to do with such a person

I have to admit I find it really creepy. I don't know why but once the penny's dropped i get chills. I used to find Jay on the Inbetweeners really freaky and it kind of put me off the show tbh. This might come from my own upbringing where it was really frowned upon to tell lies, and everyone's a really bad liar.

The other thing i cannot bear is when adults tell lies to kids! like we had friends of the family who were from X country and had a joke that they had several pets out there (e.g they were from Thailand and they told me and DSis they had some pet elephants back home). Being very young children we just believed it but it was totally bollocks, their family lived in an apartment in the city. Didnt realise it was a lie till we were well into our 20s Blush We had another friend of the family who used to say his car could fly and this was an ongoing "joke" for several years till it kind of petered out when we got older. He didn't lie to adults, it was his weird way of bonding with his friend's children.

OP posts:
Smokeandashes · 31/03/2021 11:07

@Salarymallory

Recent thread that OP started about her sleeping 3 year old 30 pages of support And then someone did an advanced search Lies, all lies Pulled by mumsnet

That is so disturbing. Lying about your child and possible cancer

OMFG - I remember that thread! I started reading it but didn't realise it turned out to be a troll. Whyyyy??? Also how did they work out it was one? Did the OP do a kind of "gotcha! LOL" message or something?
OP posts:
Smokeandashes · 31/03/2021 11:10

Would love to know if people who do these elaborate online advice lies are also liars IRL, I am guessing probably so!

OP posts:
ipseity · 31/03/2021 11:18

@Salarymallory

Recent thread that OP started about her sleeping 3 year old 30 pages of support And then someone did an advanced search Lies, all lies Pulled by mumsnet

That is so disturbing. Lying about your child and possible cancer

That’s very calculated though, they had obviously planned how that thread was going to pan out and what they were going to say to make the story evolve. I think the majority of compulsive liars are different in that they don’t really know what they’ve said until they’ve said it and then they have to think on their feet to keep the lie going so they don’t get caught (but they always are because the lies aren’t well thought out and people can straight through them).
Tara336 · 31/03/2021 11:22

I had a friend who was a compulsive liar. I would politely ignore the little ones but they got more and more outlandish, I distanced myself when I found out she was telling awful lies about me! She was telling anyone who would listen that my Exh was physically and emotionally abusing me, i was having an affair and forcing her to cover for me, that she was my carer because of my chronic illness, it was all very disturbing to be honest.

She claimed to have been date raped by two brothers, stalked, blackmailed, death threats, told people she had been thrown out of her home on Christmas Day, her parents had died tragically.

I saw her commuting on a local Facebook site recently and instantly blocked her as she was telling lies again

noblegreenk · 31/03/2021 11:36

I used to tell lies about all sorts of stuff, up until I was in my early twenties. I think most children tell fibs but I continued through my teens into early adulthood. I don't really know why I did it, maybe I was insecure and didn't feel very interesting. I remember in my teens having awareness that my friends/family knew I was lying but I couldn't help myself. It gradually phased out at around the age of 22. I'm guessing maybe I became more comfortable in my own skin and less insecure. The funny thing is that now I'm a really honest person (almost to a fault) and struggle to tell even minor fibs when necessary. I think it's because I know how ridiculous I used to make myself look with the lies I told and now I couldn't bear to look so bloody stupid.

Smokeandashes · 31/03/2021 12:00

I have realised from this thread how there are several distinct types of liars

  • the ones who tell pointless small lies e.g. which shop they bought something from
  • the ones who tell fanciful lies e.g. being recruited by MI5
  • the ones (seems to be mostly women examples on this thread) who tell lies for sympathy / drama e.g. they had a miscarriage or their partner is abusing them
  • the ones who lie for their own gain e.g. they are cheating on their wife
  • the defence mechanism liars who will say they took the bins out etc. to avoid "getting into trouble" - often had a strict upbringing
OP posts:
Catsdontlisten · 31/03/2021 12:01

Woman with a professional job in nhs. Lied about patients, was also stalking them. Absolutely bizarre, extremely dangerous, caused actual physical and emotional harm with her odd lies and whole thing was attempted to be swept under the carpet by her bosses as a lot of covering arses for her colleagues went on, as she was clearly, provably lying but they hadn't flagged it. Clearly had very deep problems both personal and professional.

Encountered other smaller 'needless' type of compulsive liars, but nothing else quite like her. I hate liars, I can't understand it.

Smokeandashes · 31/03/2021 12:01

@noblegreenk

I used to tell lies about all sorts of stuff, up until I was in my early twenties. I think most children tell fibs but I continued through my teens into early adulthood. I don't really know why I did it, maybe I was insecure and didn't feel very interesting. I remember in my teens having awareness that my friends/family knew I was lying but I couldn't help myself. It gradually phased out at around the age of 22. I'm guessing maybe I became more comfortable in my own skin and less insecure. The funny thing is that now I'm a really honest person (almost to a fault) and struggle to tell even minor fibs when necessary. I think it's because I know how ridiculous I used to make myself look with the lies I told and now I couldn't bear to look so bloody stupid.
Yes definitely most children lie a lot (or at least mine do!)
OP posts:
contrary13 · 31/03/2021 12:07

I have a friend who told small lies throughout our school years - she had a boyfriend (she didn't), she had an exotic middle name (she doesn't), she'd had an older sibling who died (to the best of my knowledge... she didn't, although it's not something I will ever ask her parents!). Then, during university, she got kicked out in the second year for not doing any work/missing lectures - and she started to claim that it was for medical reasons. She claimed to have a very specific type of cancer. And myself and another old school friend (who genuinely did have cancer at this point) were very concerned, wanted to know how best to support her and so forth. It got to the point where, a couple of years later, we approached her mother and asked "what can we do to help?" - only for the mother to look at us as if we'd somehow lost the plot, and say "what on earth are you going on about?! X doesn't have cancer of any sort!" The friendship limped on for a few more years, with friend still claiming on various "specialist" FB groups (which show up in her feed) that she's dying, that she's "had it with useless doctors who can't diagnose" her, and so forth), but then she told the biggest lie of all.

That her second husband wasn't abusing the daughter she'd had by her first husband.

And... well, I posted on here for advice about this because I was so genuinely shocked by the lies my friend was (still is) telling to herself, whilst throwing a vulnerable teenager under the proverbial bus. I reported her to social services, and her younger children are now in the care of friend's parents. Older daughter has always lived with her father (who also got tired of the constant lies friend told - he had her sectioned, according to her, because she'd "had a bad day" with regards to cleaning the house/looking after their newborn daughter. I know how hard it is to try to have someone sectioned for their own safety - it takes something drastic, not just "oh, I didn't wash a couple of saucepans up and the baby was crying when he came home from work"...!).

Friend was an only child, adored by both her parents (although her mother was very strict) and spoilt. To the best of my knowledge, there was no childhood abuse/trauma - although, frankly, my childhood probably looked the same as hers, and I was sexually abused at 7 and raped at 10, so... who can actually tell?! Her compulsion to lie got worse, the older she got. She doesn't lie to me anymore, though, because she knows, now, I've always seen through her. And because of the lies she told, mainly to herself, so that she felt better in choosing her husband over her daughter, she also knows I'm willing to call her out on them - regardless of whether that destroys our friendship forever, or not. Her lies began small, though, and escalated. I suspect that most compulsive liars like to push boundaries to see what they can get away with claiming/telling people.

amusedbush · 31/03/2021 12:22

A friend of mine did this when we were young. Lied about losing her virginity (‘you wouldn’t know him, he lives near my granny’), then a fake pregnancy scare, lied about being ill, etc. She also made a huge thing about her dad having an accident at work and breaking his leg, but my parents were good friends with her parents so of course my mum phoned hers to find out if he was okay.

It went on for years but I still bump into her now and then and she seems to have grown out of it.

SplendidSuns1000 · 31/03/2021 12:24

A very close friend of mine is a compulsive liar, though she's working through it now.

She would often lie about having other friends, boyfriends, family troubles to compete with mine. When I got married she said she was engaged to a man she'd met the day before. She lies about where she buys things- even when she was telling me about some bargain steaks she bought she told me they were from an independent butcher's she supported when they were from Morrisons. I could ask her any question and never get a fully true answer. She lies about how she feels, how she slept, what she's up to. I asked how work was going recently and she created this story about people having affairs in her office, things being stolen and a ghost seen on the cctv.

She had a rough upbringing with an early diagnosis of a condition that causes chronic pain so had few friends and experiences in her pre-teen and teen years so she often made up stories about that time which has spiralled into her lying about her current life. She's working on it with a counsellor though and now corrects herself or tells me when she's told a lie and I brush it off and ask for the truth instead.

She actually had a mumsnet account where she posted about her high income, happy family with 4 kids and loving husband. She made threads about fake family dramas, fake marital issues and even asked for advice on her fake child's school problems.

ReginaaPhalange · 31/03/2021 13:04

@Smokeandashes she did that too about someone else.

When we were at school, she went over the road at the weekend to her neighbours house and was drinking with him. She tried to kiss him but he pushed her off. Her mum came over to tell her to get home and the girl was going off on one and she told her mum he tried to have sex with her. His wife left him (she worked nightshift and was working at the time - family were friends with their family) and he was arrested etc. The family all moved away but she said he was jailed for 13 years for attempted rape but she didn't have to give evidence or have a medical examination Hmm I do know that nothing ever came of it though. She's a dangerous liar and that's why I cut ties.

MistyAsh · 31/03/2021 13:15

@stopthrowingyourfood my husband is very supportive really. More so than I deserve. He gently calls me out on lies I have told him. At the same time I know it must erode his trust in me. For example we both know if I wanted to cheat (which I would never do. Just because I lie doesn't mean I have no morals) but we both know I could easily lie convincingly about my whereabouts.

MistyAsh · 31/03/2021 13:21

Also for me lying isn't about attention or wanting to pull the wool over anyone's eyes. It's about lying feeling safer than telling the truth almost. And it's so ingrained I will have already told a lie about a stupid little thing (like what I'm having for lunch) before I've registered I'm going to do it.

Hathertonhariden · 31/03/2021 13:32

XH is a compulsive liar. Very much a self esteem issue. It started out with funny stories which were largely true, but kept getting embellished until they had lost all connection with reality. To the extent that with one story people were advising us to take legal action and couldn't understand why we weren't. Out of misplaced loyalty I wasn't admitting it was total bollocks and that was why it wasn't being pursued.

It escalated around people who were more knowledgeable about subjects than he was and he was oblivious to the eye rolling when he recounted his supposed experiences.

He firmly believed his stories and got angry when I didn't accept his account. Often they were really trivial and easily disproved but he could never admit to lying. It helped destroy our relationship and I would never take anything he said at face value.

Smokeandashes · 31/03/2021 14:48

[quote MistyAsh]@stopthrowingyourfood my husband is very supportive really. More so than I deserve. He gently calls me out on lies I have told him. At the same time I know it must erode his trust in me. For example we both know if I wanted to cheat (which I would never do. Just because I lie doesn't mean I have no morals) but we both know I could easily lie convincingly about my whereabouts.[/quote]
Did your husband know about your lying before he married you? Do you have like a line in the sand where he knows you would never lie to him about X, Y, Z etc.?

OP posts:
Smokeandashes · 31/03/2021 14:49

[quote ReginaaPhalange]@Smokeandashes she did that too about someone else.

When we were at school, she went over the road at the weekend to her neighbours house and was drinking with him. She tried to kiss him but he pushed her off. Her mum came over to tell her to get home and the girl was going off on one and she told her mum he tried to have sex with her. His wife left him (she worked nightshift and was working at the time - family were friends with their family) and he was arrested etc. The family all moved away but she said he was jailed for 13 years for attempted rape but she didn't have to give evidence or have a medical examination Hmm I do know that nothing ever came of it though. She's a dangerous liar and that's why I cut ties.[/quote]
That is absolutely terrifying! Shock

OP posts:
CarolinaWeeper · 31/03/2021 15:02

I lied a lot throughout my childhood and teens, it stopped when I hit my 20s and went to University. Not on the scale of lying about a pregnancy or something like that but I made up a boyfriend when I was about 13, used to shoplift small items once in a while. I honestly don't know why I did it and looking back I am so embarrassed. I have always put it down to being insecure and trying to make myself feel better and also that your brain is not properly formed until you hit your 20s, I was definitely lacking in self awareness. But then not all teenagers lie (I don't think?) So it's interesting to wonder why some (like me) did and others didn't, and why some people don't grow out of it.

MistyAsh · 31/03/2021 15:08

@Smokeandashes yes we have been together since we were both very young. It is impossible to hide the lies from the person you share your life with for very long. They see through it quicker than anyone. I imagine he struggles to trust that I would NEVER lie about X, Y or Z if I'm honest. I have told some big lies to him in the early stages of our relationship. I think it's more he trusts himself to know when I'm lying more than he trusts me. Which is sad.